Please HELP me... I am VERY CONFUSED

[GonnaBeAnMD]

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I have been dating someone for about 1 year now. I am going to be MS1 in Fall and am having second thoughts about this girl 🙁 She is not really into school, cannot talk about much more than MTV and the Music Awards. We also come from very different families (socio-economic status of our respective family, depth of religion beliefs and just how we present ourselves to others in general). Although I love her, I am thinking this might really bother me down the line (and even when medical school starts). For example, (this is not the most important, but worth mentioning) once a physician, I expect to be at dinners with other professionals and I think that I would like an intelligent partner. She has recently agreed to get serious about school and pursue a journalism degree because I expressed my concern to her... but still, it's either little studying, or MTV. I just don't know if this (and other differences) should not be a concern to me. Maybe I'm being too picky or something but I'm too involved to think clearly and need your input.
I thank you for your help

 

[GeneGoddess]

Is she good in bed? 🙂

If you love her and she loves you, what others think shouldn't matter. If appearances matter, you should find yourself a nice trophy wife (I suggest Stepford, CT).

 

[Khenon]

I agree with GeneGoddess. Your situation kind of reminds me of the movie Independence Day. Will Smith's character was dating a "dancer", and was concerned that this would get in his way to becoming an astronaut. Anyway, the moral was he needed to figure out what was more important . . . impressing others for his career, or being with the woman he loved. I think you're in the same boat, and it's really a personal choice. If you think it's going to bother you that much, then you're going to have to break up with her. If you love her, and can get over what others think, then don't worry about it. Ultimately I think what you're asking is "what should be more important; career or significant other?" Only you can really answer that question.

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

So far I have heard just what I had hoped to... thank you for your responses. I am gonna actually rent the movie Independance Day if that's the case 👍 You know, I just think about who I really want raising my kids if and when I'm not arround and that is someone intelligent. That's part of it too, it's not just what others think. Please keep your opinions/advice coming, they are VERY, VERY helpful. Thanks

 

[lemondeemon]

Why are you thinking about so much other things whether she loves you or not? If you start measuring her whether she fits into your ideal significant other criteria, I don't think you love her as much as before.
You can't change who she is. If you are confused, I'd like to suggest you should leave her the way she is and accept her. Otherwise, you can find a new person.

 

[mudbug]

In the long run, the amount of time you spend alone with your significant other is going to dwarf the amount of time you spend "at dinners with other professionals." When you're alone with this person do you enjoy her conversation? Because snobbery aside, if the thought of having to listen to her talk about her day every night for the rest of your life makes you want to poke a sharp object in your ears, that's a legitimate reason for breaking up with someone.

You say you love her, but in your post it sounds more like you think she's kind of dumb and shallow. Forget what others will think of her, if you think she's too dumb for you, then go ahead and call it off, because you each deserve to be with someone more like yourselves.

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

I really enjoy the time that I spend with her... a lot. I do get kind of annoyed when she doesn't know much about what is going on in the world though. I enjoy talking to her about life in general though and she gives me another, less stressful, perspective of life to look through. I guess I should not think about all the other stuff, other than how much I enjoy my time alone with her.
I cannot express how much your responses are helping. I could not think clearly until I read your responses and typed more stuff out. 🙂 Please keep your opinions/advice coming.

 

[justme123]

I really enjoy the time that I spend with her... a lot. I do get kind of annoyed when she doesn't know much about what is going on in the world though. I enjoy talking to her about life in general though and she gives me another, less stressful, perspective of life to look through. I guess I should not think about all the other stuff, other than how much I enjoy my time alone with her.
I cannot express how much your responses are helping. I could not think clearly until I read your responses and typed more stuff out. 🙂 Please keep your opinions/advice coming.

I think you are being selfish and have the mentality that many incoming med/dental students have when they begin school. Trust me, my boyfriend seemed to feel the same way at first. He thought he was a hot shot for going to dental school and that if he WANTED he had the option of any girl because he was going to be a Dentist. It's so funny because some of these idiots in med/dental school really think that! They think they can go out and mention to a girl that they are in med school and all of a sudden she will want them! Yeah right! Girls will look for guys who are ALREADY doctors, not a guy she has to wait 4 years or more on!! Anyway, I know that isn't exactly what you were getting at, but back to the subject....
Sometimes opposites attract. I know that my boyfriend and I are completely different in the fact that I don't take life as seriously as he does. I may not study as much as him, but I know that I am personable and fun to be around! Look at your girlfriend and the way she interacts with people around you. If she can carry a conversation and not act like a complete immature air head, then she will be liked by everyone! Just because she doesn't know everything that is going on in the world doesn't make her unintelligent. She probably knows a lot of things that you would have no clue about! Anyway, if you are worried about what people will think about you being with her, then you need to look into your own self esteem issues. By the way, to some nonmed girlfriends what you aspiring doctors talk about are a bit boring.

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

I think you are being selfish and have the mentality that many incoming med/dental students have when they begin school. Trust me, my boyfriend seemed to feel the same way at first. He thought he was a hot shot for going to dental school and that if he WANTED he had the option of any girl because he was going to be a Dentist. It's so funny because some of these idiots in med/dental school really think that! They think they can go out and mention to a girl that they are in med school and all of a sudden she will want them! Yeah right! Girls will look for guys who are ALREADY doctors, not a guy she has to wait 4 years or more on!! Anyway, I know that isn't exactly what you were getting at, but back to the subject....
Sometimes opposites attract. I know that my boyfriend and I are completely different in the fact that I don't take life as seriously as he does. I may not study as much as him, but I know that I am personable and fun to be around! Look at your girlfriend and the way she interacts with people around you. If she can carry a conversation and not act like a complete immature air head, then she will be liked by everyone! Just because she doesn't know everything that is going on in the world doesn't make her unintelligent. She probably knows a lot of things that you would have no clue about! Anyway, if you are worried about what people will think about you being with her, then you need to look into your own self esteem issues. By the way, to some nonmed girlfriends what you aspiring doctors talk about are a bit boring.

What you say is very true. Just for the record, I did not get some crazy mentality after being accepted to med school. I have never had a problem with dating since I was 15 and up to today, at 24. That's not the case at all. I appreciate her, I just was concerned that it might get annoying down the line and thought maybe others had some experience with this stuff.
Your post though was very helpful and it's true that a lot of what I talk about and do might be boring to her and she puts up with that. 👍 😀 I doubt it though because you'd never guess I was premed if you met/talked to me in school or out of school.

 

[cgr8979]

My boyfriend was the SAME way. When I met him I wasn't in school, and didn't really have plans of returning (I took off 3 years). But, after being around him, it made me want to be back in school and now I am about a year and half away from finishing and I have plans to go on to graduate school.
So, yes I do understand about how you want your SO to be in school or at least have that drive. My bf (MS3) thought that was very important as well. He wanted to have conversations about more that just what is on TV and other social issues. I feel the more I am in school the more I am able to communicate with him.
I am sure some people on here will rip me apart for going back to school and doing what he says. But, I don't care, I am in school now because I love to learn, something that when I was 19 didn't interest me at all. But now that I am 25 it does.
But as far a raising family is concerned, that is a reason he loves me so much. He knows that I will be a wonderful mother someday. Our dreams to have a family and the way we want to raise them are pretty much on target.
I think that is so important. I feel that if you aren't on the same page regarding how you want to raise your children, then you need to leave that relationship now.
I feel that money, and family issues are so important, if you don't have the same values about both, then you have a lot of work ahead.
I think that when you reach that year mark, you can tell if it's going to last. But, make sure you don't treat her like **** if you do stay with her. You know how she is now, so don't expect her to change a year from now. Med school is tough enough without relationship problems. So, if anything is making you wary now, then leave...save this girl some heartache!!!

 

[gildas]

Is she good in bed? 🙂

If you love her and she loves you, what others think shouldn't matter. If appearances matter, you should find yourself a nice trophy wife (I suggest Stepford, CT).

God damn it. what love got to do with it?

 

[MoosePilot]

I have been dating someone for about 1 year now. I am going to be MS1 in Fall and am having second thoughts about this girl 🙁 She is not really into school, cannot talk about much more than MTV and the Music Awards. We also come from very different families (socio-economic status of our respective family, depth of religion beliefs and just how we present ourselves to others in general). Although I love her, I am thinking this might really bother me down the line (and even when medical school starts). For example, (this is not the most important, but worth mentioning) once a physician, I expect to be at dinners with other professionals and I think that I would like an intelligent partner. She has recently agreed to get serious about school and pursue a journalism degree because I expressed my concern to her... but still, it's either little studying, or MTV. I just don't know if this (and other differences) should not be a concern to me. Maybe I'm being too picky or something but I'm too involved to think clearly and need your input.
I thank you for your help

If it bothers you now, it's never going to bother you less. Try to fix the relationship prior to it getting more serious, or move on.

 

[Lion-O]

Alright, here's the truth: this girl is going to cheat on you. Leave her now, find someone better when you get to school. Girls whose lives revolve around superficial things like MTV are easily persuaded by any passing whim. You will get hurt.

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

Alright, here's the truth: this girl is going to cheat on you. Leave her now, find someone better when you get to school. Girls whose lives revolve around superficial things like MTV are easily persuaded by any passing whim. You will get hurt.

😱

 

[krabmas]

I am in podiatry school (like being a med student) and watch way too much MTV, VH1, Soapoperas and E network.

My boyfriend who has not finished undergrad yet likes to talk about politics and current cr_p about the war 😴

Since you said that if you talk to people outside of school they would have no idea you were in med school why would you want her to appear so bright?

As almost everyone else has said it really matters how happy you are with yourself, her, and your relationship.

2 other things are also very important in a relationship:

1) Does your family like and accept her? it makes things so musch easier if they do. I have very understanding parents that know having a relationship is work in it self and having family disagree only makes it harder so they support me and try very hard to only say supportive things.

2) Do you ultimately want the same things in life or at least the same type of life? Have you disgussed (sp) how you want to raise your kids? Which religion if at all? These are very important issues and cause many divorces because people just assume that the other person wants that same things as them.

One last thing...
I haved learned that the best way to get someone to follow your lead is to lead by example and not persuassion. If you go to school and talk about how great it is that you learn so much everyday maybe she will want to go back.

I mentioned before that my boyfriend likes to talk current events blah blah blah (oh and sports to)

So I started learning more so I can have conversations with him.

Maybe your girlfriend will decide to take all that MTV nowlegde and get into some sort of journalism, you never know. Try to watch some MTV with her sometime and see what she sees in it. Med schools always say they like well rounded people - this will make you well rounded. You'd be suprised how many people you can connect with based on pop culture and music.

 

[cgr8979]

Alright, here's the truth: this girl is going to cheat on you. Leave her now, find someone better when you get to school. Girls whose lives revolve around superficial things like MTV are easily persuaded by any passing whim. You will get hurt.

First of all where do you get off saying she will cheat on him because she watches MTV? Maybe she has a balanced life in all areas.
I watch MTV and all reality shows, does that mean I am going to cheat on my bf? NO, I have never cheated on any guys that I've dated. I think you should try to be less judgemental. Just because your gf/bf probably cheated on you doesn't mean that will happen to everyone else!

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

Since you said that if you talk to people outside of school they would have no idea you were in med school why would you want her to appear so bright?

As almost everyone else has said it really matters how happy you are with yourself, her, and your relationship.

2 other things are also very important in a relationship:

1) Does your family like and accept her? it makes things so musch easier if they do. I have very understanding parents that know having a relationship is work in it self and having family disagree only makes it harder so they support me and try very hard to only say supportive things.

2) Do you ultimately want the same things in life or at least the same type of life? Have you disgussed (sp) how you want to raise your kids? Which religion if at all? These are very important issues and cause many divorces because people just assume that the other person wants that same things as them.

One last thing...
I haved learned that the best way to get someone to follow your lead is to lead by example and not persuassion. If you go to school and talk about how great it is that you learn so much everyday maybe she will want to go back.

Really, really good points. Thank you 👍 👍 😀

 

[Lion-O]

First of all where do you get off saying she will cheat on him because she watches MTV? Maybe she has a balanced life in all areas.
I watch MTV and all reality shows, does that mean I am going to cheat on my bf? NO, I have never cheated on any guys that I've dated. I think you should try to be less judgemental. Just because your gf/bf probably cheated on you doesn't mean that will happen to everyone else!

"Maybe she has a balanced life in all areas." Did you not read the OP's post? Here, I'll direct you to the pertinent part:

"She is not really into school, cannot talk about much more than MTV and the Music Awards."

Yeah, I know this type of girl. It's the 'I never grew out of my teenage phase and don't know nor care much about the world' girl. Why would she need a job or school when she has her doctor-to-be boyfriend ready to support her after marriage? Though I'm willing to guess that she's hot, and that the sex is pretty good, most likely she will cheat on you somewhere down the line. Can't deny the facts of life.

 

[::Seabass::]

God damn it. what love got to do with it?

just because you love someone doesn't mean they are the right person for you. its true that sometimes love isn't enough.

its good to be different but it is important to want the same things from life and be partners in that journey.

 

[jessUMD]

just because you love someone doesn't mean they are the right person for you. its true that sometimes love isn't enough.

its good to be different but it is important to want the same things from life and be partners in that journey.

Amen.

Love is strong, but love cannot conquer all, no matter how much we like to think it can. the bottom line is that you need someone to match you on your ambition level, all else aside. success is great, but it's an added bonus. if she can't share your enthusiasm for learning, i truly think you will get bored of the relationship down the line. that might sound harsh, but it's true. as you continue your education you will seek ways to vent intellectually and you will cherish those late night conversations. a smokin hot girl who's good in bed but not as bright overall just can't cut it as a life partner.
that's not to say you need to date a med student. as long as the person you're with is self-aware and passionate about whatever it is THEY enjoy, that suffices. it is true that opposites attract, but that doesn't mean every kind of opposite. people who are opposite in their interests, yes. people who are opposite in their energy levels, enthusiasm, and drive, no way.

 

[fourthyearmed]

It sounds to me by the way you talk about her that she's not the girl for you. If I were her and found out that you had described me that way, it would be over. You don't seem to have anything in common and you seem to have a lot of problems with her. As a med student, I totally understand your point about needing to be able to talk to your gf about things. I find now that sometimes it's hard to talk to my non-med school friends because they just don't understand. Maybe you don't necessarily need to date a fellow med student, but someone whose goals and education are more on par with yours might be better (law student, accountant, engineer, etc).

 

[NubianPrincess]

If she was intelligent enough for you to date for a year then why isn't she intelligent enough now? That's the only issue I have with the OP. It seems as if she was good enough to date before, but now you are having second thoughts based what others may have to say about your girl. Maybe i'm wrong, but I hope that if you truly didn't feel that you two had enough in common or were on a similar wavelength when it comes to aspirations and interests, you would not been in a serious relationship with her for this long.

I apologize if I misread. Good luck.

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

If she was intelligent enough for you to date for a year then why isn't she intelligent enough now? That's the only issue I have with the OP. It seems as if she was good enough to date before, but now you are having second thoughts based what others may have to say about your girl. Maybe i'm wrong, but I hope that if you truly didn't feel that you two had enough in common or were on a similar wavelength when it comes to aspirations and interests, you would not been in a serious relationship with her for this long.

I apologize if I misread. Good luck.

We dated... it became more and more serious and I'm wondering if I could live with this person forever in a marriage. Before that, I was not paying attention to the details.

 

[Eiko]

I have been dating someone for about 1 year now. I am going to be MS1 in Fall and am having second thoughts about this girl 🙁 She is not really into school, cannot talk about much more than MTV and the Music Awards. We also come from very different families (socio-economic status of our respective family, depth of religion beliefs and just how we present ourselves to others in general). Although I love her, I am thinking this might really bother me down the line (and even when medical school starts). For example, (this is not the most important, but worth mentioning) once a physician, I expect to be at dinners with other professionals and I think that I would like an intelligent partner. She has recently agreed to get serious about school and pursue a journalism degree because I expressed my concern to her... but still, it's either little studying, or MTV. I just don't know if this (and other differences) should not be a concern to me. Maybe I'm being too picky or something but I'm too involved to think clearly and need your input.
I thank you for your help

You know, I kind of understand where you're coming from. I was dating this wonderful guy that I just flat out couldn't talk to... the only things he was interested in were weight lifting and parties. An all around good guy though and I loved him, but it just wasn't enough. Sometimes, you just have to click on more than just one or two levels... you have to fit like puzzles pieces.

From what you're saying, it sounds like you feel that she just isn't listening to you at the level that you need... apparently, you just don't feel that she's understanding you in a way that YOU need.

So here's a few things that you might want to consider:

1. Does she admire you for who you are... no changes needed? And this includes your medical carreer.

2. Do you think (or does she think) she can handle the stress and frustrations of being a doctor's wife?

3. Does she support you in everything that you do?

4. Can you support her in her ideals and love her for who she is?

5. Do you feel a constant urge to protect and care for her?

6. Do you feel listened to and understood by her?

7. Do you feel that you can share anything and everything with her (I mean emotionally or mentally)?

8. Can you count on her to be there for you during your toughest times?

9. Do you feel judged by her? Does she feel judged/looked down upon by you?

10. Is she confident in herself as a seperate entity than you?

11. When you have a problem that needs to vented/expressed/ is she the first person that you seek out?

Then again, this is just my opinion, you can take it or leave it. 😀 😛

 

[jessi]

hey eiko, great post 👍 those are great questions to when looking for your puzzle piece 🙂

GonnaBeAnMD, is your girlfriend not in school at all? if not, what is she doing with herself right now? you mentioned something about journalism. thats not an easy field either. that takes brains and drive. just curious.

 

[nachoDoc]

If you can vow to live with her and to laugh with her; to stand by her side, and sleep in her arms; to be the joy in her heart, and the food for her soul; to bring out the best in her always, and, for her, to be the most that you can. If you promised to laugh with her in good times, to struggle with her in bad times; to solace her when she was downhearted; to wipe her tears with your hands; to comfort her with your body; to mirror her with your soul; to share with her all your riches and honors; to play with her as much as you can until you grow old; and, still loving each other sweetly and gladly, our lives shall come to an end. Yes, you love this woman! You love her completely and unconditionally. Then she is the one for you. If you have any doubts....end it. For your wife will be your lover, best friend, your soulmate, you and she will be one, working together yet not stifling. the other, growing together, yet not apart....If she is "the one", never, ever let her get away.

👍 👍
🙂

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

Your posts have really made me think more clearly and see more than I was seeing. Thank you all for your responses.

jessi: yes, she is pursuing journalism and doing quite well in her classes... but she's doing it for me and doesn't seem to be too into it, but it's her first semester and I think it will come.

Eiko: That was a great post! If anybody wanted to know my answers, here they are:
1. Does she admire you for who you are... no changes needed? And this includes your medical carreer. Very much so

2. Do you think (or does she think) she can handle the stress and frustrations of being a doctor's wife? In my opinion, yes

3. Does she support you in everything that you do?100%

4. Can you support her in her ideals and love her for who she is? Yes... but if she's educated

5. Do you feel a constant urge to protect and care for her? Absolutely

6. Do you feel listened to and understood by her? Listened, but often not understood 😡

7. Do you feel that you can share anything and everything with her (I mean emotionally or mentally)? Yes, but sometimes I don't get constructive feedback

8. Can you count on her to be there for you during your toughest times? Yes

9. Do you feel judged by her? Does she feel judged/looked down upon by you?She might feel judged by me because of my expressing my concerns about her choices in life

10. Is she confident in herself as a seperate entity than you? Yes

11. When you have a problem that needs to vented/expressed/ is she the first person that you seek out? Either her or my parents... the GF's feedback is limited b/c she does not understand everything at my level sometimes 😡
Anyway, thanks again... these thoughts make me think clearly and see what is really important 🙂

 

[::Seabass::]

jessi: yes, she is pursuing journalism and doing quite well in her classes... but she's doing it for me and doesn't seem to be too into it, but it's her first semester and I think it will come.

be very, very careful with this thought.

she isn't a 5yr who has no idea and you have to maybe nudge in a direction or two. see her as an adult. I wouldn't even think this way about my 10yr old sister. its one thing to encourage someone to try a new exotic dish, its a whole other to suggest a career.

if she only does it for you, she will at some point very much resent you for "making" her be a journalist.

 

[katiw]

I'm not sure what her intelligence has to do with anything. To me, if you are having doubts of any kind about this girl, she is not the one for you. Why are you having doubts? You should ask yourself this because it probably goes beyond just her MTV life and the fact that she doesn't know much about world happenings. Just think a little more into this.

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

be very, very careful with this thought.

she isn't a 5yr who has no idea and you have to maybe nudge in a direction or two. see her as an adult. I wouldn't even think this way about my 10yr old sister. its one thing to encourage someone to try a new exotic dish, its a whole other to suggest a career.

if she only does it for you, she will at some point very much resent you for "making" her be a journalist.

Sorry if I was unclear. I didn't "make" her pursue journalism. I just told her that I find having an educated partner very important and she decided to pursue journalism, not me.

 

[fourthyearmed]

I think you should just find an eduacated partner instead of forcing this girl to be someone she's not.

 

[MoosePilot]

Your posts have really made me think more clearly and see more than I was seeing. Thank you all for your responses.

jessi: yes, she is pursuing journalism and doing quite well in her classes... but she's doing it for me and doesn't seem to be too into it, but it's her first semester and I think it will come.

Eiko: That was a great post! If anybody wanted to know my answers, here they are:
1. Does she admire you for who you are... no changes needed? And this includes your medical carreer. Very much so

2. Do you think (or does she think) she can handle the stress and frustrations of being a doctor's wife? In my opinion, yes

3. Does she support you in everything that you do?100%

4. Can you support her in her ideals and love her for who she is? Yes... but if she's educated

5. Do you feel a constant urge to protect and care for her? Absolutely

6. Do you feel listened to and understood by her? Listened, but often not understood 😡

7. Do you feel that you can share anything and everything with her (I mean emotionally or mentally)? Yes, but sometimes I don't get constructive feedback

8. Can you count on her to be there for you during your toughest times? Yes

9. Do you feel judged by her? Does she feel judged/looked down upon by you?She might feel judged by me because of my expressing my concerns about her choices in life

10. Is she confident in herself as a seperate entity than you? Yes

11. When you have a problem that needs to vented/expressed/ is she the first person that you seek out? Either her or my parents... the GF's feedback is limited b/c she does not understand everything at my level sometimes 😡
Anyway, thanks again... these thoughts make me think clearly and see what is really important 🙂

I'd say #4 makes me think you need to grow up a little yourself. That's no way to be, because in the course of a long term relationship there may be tougher things to deal with than her not wanting to go to school. If you can't deal with no education plans, how would you deal with her losing a leg in a car accident or something similar?

 

[jessi]

ok, what is this whole "the GF's feedback is limited b/c she does not understand everything at my level sometimes"?? what level? no she's not going to understand all the boring medical-babble. no she cant help you study for the MCAT. thats obviously not her thing. but she accepts your career goals and supports you "100%". so what is she not understanding? give us a specific example if you can.

let me be blunt... is she a ditz? can she not handle words over 2 syllables? can she not discuss topics anymore profound than the latest real world episode? i'm not trying to offend, i'm just trying to get specific. hell, i have friends that fit into that category. some people are just not that bright.

 

[MoosePilot]

ok, what is this whole "the GF's feedback is limited b/c she does not understand everything at my level sometimes"?? what level? no she's not going to understand all the boring medical-babble. no she cant help you study for the MCAT. thats obviously not her thing. but she accepts your career goals and supports you "100%". so what is she not understanding? give us a specific example if you can.

let me be blunt... is she a ditz? can she not handle words over 2 syllables? can she not discuss topics anymore profound than the latest real world episode? i'm not trying to offend, i'm just trying to get specific. hell, i have friends that fit into that category. some people are just not that bright.

Your gf can probably even help you study. I had my wife help me with the MCAT. She was very, very intelligent, but not super science oriented, but more into verbal subjects, like history. I made up flashcards and once I thought I knew them well enough, I'd have her ask the questions and I'd provide the answers. She'd judge whether I got them right. Sometimes she had to ask me (You said Endoplasmic Reticulum and it says ER here, that's the same thing, right?), but it was really helpful.

 

[alison_in_oh]

What I don't get is how college classes are going to miraculously make this woman whose stupidity annoys the hell out of you into a gracious and versatile conversationalist.

I also don't get how you could go through a year of dating without noticing any details.

As someone has already said, the way you describe this poor woman makes it abundantly clear that A) it's over, it's been over, just end it already -- or better yet, send her the thread and she'll do the honors; and B) you have got a LOT of growing up to do if this is where your priorities lie.

*shuffles off grumbling about kids these days, coming to ask a group of total strangers on the internet to dictate the direction of their future*

 

[nachoDoc]

*shuffles off grumbling about kids these days, coming to ask a group of total strangers on the internet to dictate the direction of their future*

"Why can't they be like we were
perfect in every way
Oh what's the matter with kids
today?"

🙄

 

[alison_in_oh]

"Why can't they be like we were
perfect in every way
Oh what's the matter with kids
today?"

🙄

Damn straight. 😉

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

When I say at the same level, I mean we talk about things in a very simple manner and never in depth.

Allison, you can go through a year of dating without paying attention to specifics because moving away were over a year away. I would like to further commit myself before I leave and am looking into everything in more detail now. I'm sorry that is so shocking to you. And why do I have a lot of growing up to if my priority lies in my SO's education? You are the one who needs some growing up sweetheart.

P.S. I didn't come here for a group of strangers to "dictate the direction of my future..." You must be the SO of a medical student or other health professional student yourself with your response

 

[katiw]

Your gf can probably even help you study. I had my wife help me with the MCAT. She was very, very intelligent, but not super science oriented, but more into verbal subjects, like history. I made up flashcards and once I thought I knew them well enough, I'd have her ask the questions and I'd provide the answers. She'd judge whether I got them right. Sometimes she had to ask me (You said Endoplasmic Reticulum and it says ER here, that's the same thing, right?), but it was really helpful.

I helped my boyfriend study for his DAT. I am an art education major and had no idea on the subjects he was studying. But it's nice that we can spend time together this way. He doesn't want me to be interested in science because I have my own interest in art that he doesn't want anything to do with. It's good to have a lot in common but it's also good to have your own things. It's great when we girlfriends/wives can help you med/dental students study and stuff and we want to be there for you just like MoosePilot is saying. I think you need to realize that this is who she is. And if you don't think that's good enough for you, then you shouldn't be with her. Think of how this makes her feel? She probably feels stupid, like the biggest idiot in the world because her boyfriend doesn't think she's smart enough for him. If you loved her, you would accept her. Accept HER no matter what her interests are.

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

I helped my boyfriend study for his DAT. I am an art education major and had no idea on the subjects he was studying. But it's nice that we can spend time together this way. He doesn't want me to be interested in science because I have my own interest in art that he doesn't want anything to do with. It's good to have a lot in common but it's also good to have your own things. It's great when we girlfriends/wives can help you med/dental students study and stuff and we want to be there for you just like MoosePilot is saying. I think you need to realize that this is who she is. And if you don't think that's good enough for you, then you shouldn't be with her. Think of how this makes her feel? She probably feels stupid, like the biggest idiot in the world because her boyfriend doesn't think she's smart enough for him. If you loved her, you would accept her. Accept HER no matter what her interests are.

You are absolutely right. I have some thinking to do now that I've got a lot off my shoulder and opened my eyes and will figure it out. Thank you and everyone else (for the most part)

 

[alison_in_oh]

Allison, you can go through a year of dating without paying attention to specifics because moving away were over a year away. I would like to further commit myself before I leave and am looking into everything in more detail now. I'm sorry that is so shocking to you. And why do I have a lot of growing up to if my priority lies in my SO's education? You are the one who needs some growing up sweetheart.

I didn't say I was shocked, I said I didn't understand. And I still don't. My frame of reference for "dating for a year" involves, like, actually getting to know a person. It also involves a level of commitment that precludes bad-mouthing the other person to friends, family, and certainly to strangers. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned about relationships is that you must always, ALWAYS, present a united front. Always defend your girlfriend to your family. Always smooth over your little differences and put on a public face -- keep your problems between you. Once you're thinking about any kind of exclusive situation, you're a partnership and you need to act like it.

Your stated concerns about your girlfriend are that she grew up poorer than you; she is more (or less?) religious than you; she does not comport herself as someone of class would; and you fear that a decade down the line, after she has committed to you, supported and loved you through the rigorous years of medical training, she might embarrass you at a social function because she didn't go to as many hours of school as you think she should have.

That's superficial and stupid. Planning the most important decision of your entire life (whether to commit to this woman for the long term and over the long distance) around those issues and the input of faceless internet entities is incredibly immature.

Yeah, I'm the SO of a student doctor. If you're going to seek the input of anyone outside of your typical social circle, it should be that of people in my position. And I can tell you that if my husband had thought less of me when, as "merely" his girlfriend, I chose to give up my career aspirations to follow him across the country and play a support role in his medical education, he wouldn't have been a man worth marrying.

 

[MoosePilot]

When I say at the same level, I mean we talk about things in a very simple manner and never in depth.

Allison, you can go through a year of dating without paying attention to specifics because moving away were over a year away. I would like to further commit myself before I leave and am looking into everything in more detail now. I'm sorry that is so shocking to you. And why do I have a lot of growing up to if my priority lies in my SO's education? You are the one who needs some growing up sweetheart.

P.S. I didn't come here for a group of strangers to "dictate the direction of my future..." You must be the SO of a medical student or other health professional student yourself with your response

I said the same thing about you needing to grow up. If you're more concerned with your girlfriend's education than her own personal goals, whatever they may be, that's not love. You can encourage her to pursue an education, but if it's essential for you to think well of her, then you don't love her now. There will always be something for someone to improve on. It's your job to support and help, not push because you don't want a dumb girlfriend.

 

[Mens Cupida]

Wanting an educated SO isn't all that unusual. Its just statistically less important for a male. Its rarer for a woman to "marry down" after she has achieved a degree.

The desire for an intelligent partner does resonate with me. I would have to say that it is incredibly important to me. Intelligent conversation is a horrible thing to live without.

But education doesn't guarantee that. Could you - never mind what you think others may judge her as - be happy with her as she is now? I think a lot of heartache is caused by people expecting others to change. Sometimes they do, but often they do not.

 

[katiw]

It's fine to want an educated partner. We all want specific things in our partners. The difference is, you don't degrade someone because of thier education. If you knew you wanted an educated partner to begin with, you shouldn't have started dating this girl.

And if you don't match up with each other in religious belifs, you really shouldn't have started dating in the first place.

 

[Eiko]

hey eiko, great post 👍 those are great questions to when looking for your puzzle piece 🙂

Thank you. 😀

 

[Eiko]

I'd say #4 makes me think you need to grow up a little yourself. That's no way to be, because in the course of a long term relationship there may be tougher things to deal with than her not wanting to go to school. If you can't deal with no education plans, how would you deal with her losing a leg in a car accident or something similar?

Actually, what's he's really saying is that sometimes when he explains thigns that are important to him that he wants to be admired for... he probably sees her eyes glaze over or she looks disinterested or looks somewhere else other than at him.

Therefore, it translates to him that she doesn't understand things at his level, so he wishes that she is a little more educated so that she will give him that interested look when he's talking about something he's excited about.

Also, he mentioned that the feedback he's getting is a little less than constructive... this could be related to the problem as well... if he feels a little criticized by her then he's going to return the favor... in his case, he blames it on her not being educated.

In addition, he frankly is embarrassed by the fact that she isn't educated. Most likely his family pushes education and knowledge... therefore, it has become very meaningful to him... and if it is meaningful to him then it is important.

Okay, now for the other side. There are no perfect women out there. Every single one of us is going to have flaws, just like every man is going to have flaws.

Now, the key to overcoming another's flaws... that is if you love them regardless of these problems... is to look at a person like a painting: one side shadowed and the other side light. Now turn the painting so that you only "look" at the light side.... you still know that the shadowed side is there, but you're not looking at it, or focusing on it.

In otherwords, if you look for bad you will always find it; if you look for the good, then you will be content.

 

[GonnaBeAnMD]

Eiko, wanna marry me? j/k ... you've made me think about things more clearly than I was and I want to thank you for that. I'm far from perfect as well, very far. If someone was to focus on the bad, I'd be a nightmare. Anyway, the whole point of this thread was to see if this "issue" would become more problematic in the future for me. I love this girl for who she sees, how shes sees the world and her everything. I was just a little concerned that it might become a problem to be somewhat on polar opposites on our education levels but maybe not 🙂

You've all been a lot of help believe it or not (for the most part). Thank you 🙂

 

[jennie 21]

It sounds to me like an issue of basic compatibility. You mention that your educational levels are very different, your socioeconomic backgrounds are very different, your religious beliefs are different. All of those things can be very important in determining your compatibility with a particular person. In general, the people who are most compatible are those who come from similar backgrounds and who have similar values, goals, and ideas about life. There's plenty of couples out there who come from different backgrounds, religions, etc. who make it and flourish but usually they have certain similarities in common that help bridge the differences. You're talking about fairly big differences with this girl in several major areas here, and I think you're right to question your compatibility with each other. I don't think it matters so much what other people will think of this girl--if you love her, you really shouldn't care what others think--but if your interests are so dissimilar, and if you feel your conversations with her are boring, etc. that is important. I think it's legitimate to want a partner of a similar intelligence level as well. I don't think formal education matters so much, but someone of similar intelligence, who you can talk to about things and have real conversation with--that would matter very much to me. If you already feel like this girl isn't very intelligent and that bothers you I think it's likely to bother you more further down the road. I think it's very possible to be intelligent without much of a formal education, but it sounds as though you don't think she's very smart either and kind of look down on her for that. That's not good. For marriage, you want someone who's your intellectual equal, who you can really talk to and have meaningful conversations with about everything. At least, that's an important part of my marriage. If you don't have that with this girl, I'd think long and hard before marrying her. You may feel bored and resentful later.

Also, the differences in your social backgrounds and the culture in which you grew up may cause problems down the line in terms of your expectations for marriage and raising children, etc. Same thing with religious differences. Any one of these differences might not be a big deal, but put together they are a lot to overcome. If you really really loved here and she was everything you wanted in a partner, you could probably overcome all the differences--just realize you're talking about pretty large differences between you two in a number of important areas. If they bother you now they will probably only bother you more later. And honestly, she deserves a partner who loves her just the way she is and thinks she's good enough just the way she is without needing to change, and who won't be embarassed by her. If that's how you feel about her, you're not doing her any favors by staying with her either. Just my frank opinion--take it or leave it.

 

[Eiko]

Eiko, wanna marry me?

Chuckle... tempted, but I don't think your girlfriend will like that. 😉

j/k ... you've made me think about things more clearly than I was and I want to thank you for that. I'm far from perfect as well, very far. If someone was to focus on the bad, I'd be a nightmare. Anyway, the whole point of this thread was to see if this "issue" would become more problematic in the future for me. I love this girl for who she sees, how shes sees the world and her everything. I was just a little concerned that it might become a problem to be somewhat on polar opposites on our education levels but maybe not 🙂

You've all been a lot of help believe it or not (for the most part). Thank you 🙂

It's easy to see that you love this girl and from what I can tell, she apparently loves you too... you were just trying to find an excuse as to why there were small communication problems in your relationship.... Everyone has problems in their relationships... it just depends on how important the problem becomes.

Just weigh the pros and cons and you'll be fine. You seem like a very level headed guy to me otherwise you wouldn't have tried to solve your concerns before you married her... so I have no doubts that you'll come to the right decision, now that you have a better idea of what might be going on.

Good luck in your relationship. I am glad that I could be of help. If you ever need anything else, feel free to ask. 🙂

 

[jessi]

hey GonnaBeAnMD.. any updates??
😛