Please help me, I'm desperate

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I'm a regular under a throwaway name because of how embarassing this is. I could use some advice. Years ago, I was in an abusive relationship with a man who was verbally and physically abusive. We were young and I did some things I'm not proud of including taking some racy photos for him and we also recorded ourselves once or twice. After we broke up, I'd hear from him from time to time, usually if he was drunk or after another breakup. I heard from him again last week and this time he knows I'm a doctor. He is threatening to send some things to the medical board and to my fellowship program that I start in July. REALLY embarassing things. My husband wants us to get an attorney but I think if we do, he'll for sure send this stuff. Right now he's just trying to scare and intimidate me but if he's threatened he'll do it. And what can an attorney do? Is this illegal? Can my license be revoked? Will my fellowship break my contract or make me resign because of mistakes like these? Like under a moral clause or something?

Please help me.
 
Troubled Resident said:
I'm a regular under a throwaway name because of how embarassing this is. I could use some advice. Years ago, I was in an abusive relationship with a man who was verbally and physically abusive. We were young and I did some things I'm not proud of including taking some racy photos for him and we also recorded ourselves once or twice. After we broke up, I'd hear from him from time to time, usually if he was drunk or after another breakup. I heard from him again last week and this time he knows I'm a doctor. He is threatening to send some things to the medical board and to my fellowship program that I start in July. REALLY embarassing things. My husband wants us to get an attorney but I think if we do, he'll for sure send this stuff. Right now he's just trying to scare and intimidate me but if he's threatened he'll do it. And what can an attorney do? Is this illegal? Can my license be revoked? Will my fellowship break my contract or make me resign because of mistakes like these? Like under a moral clause or something?

Please help me.
Click to expand...

Is it the pictures or video he’s threatening to send (as opposed to something else entirely)? I don’t know the specifics and it probably depends on the state but I think that is illegal. Also this sounds like blackmail. Does he want something from you or just trying to hurt you? I can’t imagine something like this would impact your fellowship or licensing, unless what you were doing was illegal. Even then I’d question it. I can’t say I know what I’d do in that situation, but I think getting a lawyer or talking to police might be justified if these are anything other than empty threats and he’s calmed down. Never a wrong idea to at least talk to a lawyer without actually going through with anything.

I’d probably stop all communication with him too.

Sorry you’re going through this.
 
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It's a crime referred to as "revenge porn", even if you took the photos/videos and even if you consented ever. The sociopolitical climate also favors your side at the moment. Make sure you have as much concrete evidence and let him know that if he wants to get convicted then he can try it (semi-bluff). He has motive and will easily get convicted and it is unlikely there will be any professional consequences because it can make those decision-makers look like they're "anti-woman's rights". Minor downsides for you and major downsides to the man (depending on the state). The charge alone can be a year in jail, but the probable charges of stalking and harassment can increase this.
 
darknecrosforte said:
It's a crime referred to as "revenge porn", even if you took the photos/videos and even if you consented ever. The sociopolitical climate also favors your side at the moment. Make sure you have as much concrete evidence and let him know that if he wants to get convicted then he can try it (semi-bluff). He has motive and will easily get convicted and it is unlikely there will be any professional consequences because it can make those decision-makers look like they're "anti-woman's rights". Minor downsides for you and major downsides to the man (depending on the state). The charge alone can be a year in jail, but the probable charges of stalking and harassment can increase this.
Click to expand...

This.
 
Troubled Resident said:
I'm a regular under a throwaway name because of how embarassing this is. I could use some advice. Years ago, I was in an abusive relationship with a man who was verbally and physically abusive. We were young and I did some things I'm not proud of including taking some racy photos for him and we also recorded ourselves once or twice. After we broke up, I'd hear from him from time to time, usually if he was drunk or after another breakup. I heard from him again last week and this time he knows I'm a doctor. He is threatening to send some things to the medical board and to my fellowship program that I start in July. REALLY embarassing things. My husband wants us to get an attorney but I think if we do, he'll for sure send this stuff. Right now he's just trying to scare and intimidate me but if he's threatened he'll do it. And what can an attorney do? Is this illegal? Can my license be revoked? Will my fellowship break my contract or make me resign because of mistakes like these? Like under a moral clause or something?

Please help me.
Click to expand...
the attorney can send a letter to him, letting him know that what he would be doing is a crime and that he needs to stop or will face charges. Sometimes that is enough to scare him off.
 
As above, discuss with a lawyer who has familiarity with stalking and other such matters for your particular state.

Also as distasteful as it may seem, you might want to consider filing a copyright on the images/videos that you personally took. As the person taking those images you own the rights to those images. If he tries to post them somewhere on the internet you can then subsequently file take-down notices and get them off the web.
 
Troubled Resident said:
I'm a regular under a throwaway name because of how embarassing this is. I could use some advice. Years ago, I was in an abusive relationship with a man who was verbally and physically abusive. We were young and I did some things I'm not proud of including taking some racy photos for him and we also recorded ourselves once or twice. After we broke up, I'd hear from him from time to time, usually if he was drunk or after another breakup. I heard from him again last week and this time he knows I'm a doctor. He is threatening to send some things to the medical board and to my fellowship program that I start in July. REALLY embarassing things. My husband wants us to get an attorney but I think if we do, he'll for sure send this stuff. Right now he's just trying to scare and intimidate me but if he's threatened he'll do it. And what can an attorney do? Is this illegal? Can my license be revoked? Will my fellowship break my contract or make me resign because of mistakes like these? Like under a moral clause or something?

Please help me.
Click to expand...
Agree with all of the above, and want to add that him threatening you is probably a TOS violation of his ISP, so you could complain to them as well and get him kicked off Comcast/ATT/gmail etc.

Would any of our IT jocks know that even if the guy does send a video of him doing X with the OP, would that get blocked by a spam filter at the fellowship/program director?
 
14-20-May%C4%B1s-Haftal%C4%B1k-Gezegen-Faaliyetleri-Hande-Kazanova.jpg
 
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DOFOSHO said:
Criminal courts are usually busy with murders, attempted murder, assault and battery with injury, manslaughter, vehicular homicide, larceny, arson, and burglaries, etc. The courts don't have time for your ex, and the jail as no space or funds to accommodate him.
Click to expand...

What information are you basing that claim off of?

There are currently 38 states with Revenge Porn laws on the books, the vast majority of which include jail time. It depends on the state: some conclude it's a misdemeanor. Others list it as a felony.

To put things in perspective, just about ALL first time DUIs are misdemeanors yet the courts SOMEHOW manage to process them and all the serious ramifications they entail.
 
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DOFOSHO said:
Criminal courts are usually busy with murders, attempted murder, assault and battery with injury, manslaughter, vehicular homicide, larceny, arson, and burglaries, etc. The courts don't have time for your ex, and the jail as no space or funds to accommodate him.
Click to expand...

Is there a dislike button?
 
DOFOSHO said:
Criminal courts are usually busy with murders, attempted murder, assault and battery with injury, manslaughter, vehicular homicide, larceny, arson, and burglaries, etc. The courts don't have time for your ex, and the jail as no space or funds to accommodate him.
Click to expand...

There is this thing called due process and this other thing called the constitution.
 
He’s a piece of s**t but he sounds like all these types of men, in that he is all talk and is just trying to intimidate you. But instead of freaking out, fight back and get an attorney, and make him regret he ever decided to control you again.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile
 
atomi said:
There is this thing called due process and this other thing called the constitution.
Click to expand...

i know that. but the unfortunate truth is the courts and all personnel involved don't put these cases at the top of the stack. Yes, many states have strict laws and threaten hefty punishments but the prisons don't have the space and the states don't have the funds to room and board that many people... same goes for many, many crimes.

I'm not undermining how despicable the crime is, just pointing out that the case won't go anywhere and the DB revenge porn guy won't spend any time behind bars. Correct me if I'm wrong in 2 years.
 
DOFOSHO said:
i know that. but the unfortunate truth is the courts and all personnel involved don't put these cases at the top of the stack. Yes, many states have strict laws and threaten hefty punishments but the prisons don't have the space and the states don't have the funds to room and board that many people... same goes for many, many crimes.

I'm not undermining how despicable the crime is, just pointing out that the case won't go anywhere and the DB revenge porn guy won't spend any time behind bars. Correct me if I'm wrong in 2 years.
Click to expand...
Even if you're right that it might be fruitless to try and put this guy behind bars, that wasn't the OP's question--she asked about preventing him from hurting her medical career. So I'm not sure why you felt like answering a question she didn't ask. But congrats on looking like an ass.

What this guy is threatening is definitely illegal. A competent attorney should be able to help her pursue means to ensure that this threatening stops.
 
DOFOSHO said:
i know that. but the unfortunate truth is the courts and all personnel involved don't put these cases at the top of the stack. Yes, many states have strict laws and threaten hefty punishments but the prisons don't have the space and the states don't have the funds to room and board that many people... same goes for many, many crimes.

I'm not undermining how despicable the crime is, just pointing out that the case won't go anywhere and the DB revenge porn guy won't spend any time behind bars. Correct me if I'm wrong in 2 years.
Click to expand...
Tell it to these guys:
WTOP | DC man convicted under revenge porn law sentenced to 9 years
California scores first revenge porn conviction
Oregon’s first revenge porn conviction lands 31-year-old man in jail

Even if a getting a conviction is hard, getting arrested is a smack a face too.

The courts take extortion pretty seriously too.
 
GoSpursGo said:
Even if you're right that it might be fruitless to try and put this guy behind bars, that wasn't the OP's question--she asked about preventing him from hurting her medical career. So I'm not sure why you felt like answering a question she didn't ask. But congrats on looking like an ass.

What this guy is threatening is definitely illegal. A competent attorney should be able to help her pursue means to ensure that this threatening stops.
Click to expand...

Because I contributed something that you didn't agree with makes me an ass? Again, not undermining the crime (or any crime that has yet to occur...)

Sorry if I triggered anyone.
 
DOFOSHO said:
Because I contributed something that you didn't agree with makes me an ass? Again, not undermining the crime (or any crime that has yet to occur...)

Sorry if I triggered anyone.
Click to expand...

The problem is you didn't contribute much more than an extremely negative opinion regarding a clearly serious topic without stating the basis for that opinion. Sure, this issue involves both technology and sexual content: both of which are mishandled by the US legal system on a daily basis.

But that's hardly constructive. Were you a lawyer before entering medicine? Do you have experience litigating or researching these kinds of cases? Were you or a friend affected by revenge porn? Or are you an arm chair expert just trying to be edgy?

Imagine walking past a patient room, glancing at the chart, and callously saying, "Ew gross, that CT looks bad. He's probably gonna die. Sorry." What kind of reaction would that get? Thanks? Who are you? Why did you just make the patient cry?
 
Sardonix said:
The problem is you didn't contribute much more than an extremely negative opinion regarding a clearly serious topic without stating the basis for that opinion. Sure, this issue involves both technology and sexual content: both of which are mishandled by the US legal system on a daily basis.

But that's hardly constructive. Were you a lawyer before entering medicine? Do you have experience litigating or researching these kinds of cases? Were you or a friend affected by revenge porn? Or are you an arm chair expert just trying to be edgy?

Imagine walking past a patient room, glancing at the chart, and callously saying, "Ew gross, that CT looks bad. He's probably gonna die. Sorry." What kind of reaction would that get? Thanks? Who are you? Why did you just make the patient cry?
Click to expand...

that's precisely what i was pointing out, thanks for reiterating it.

are you as neurotic and persnickety in person as you are behind your arm chair?

finally, are you still using paper charts???
 
DOFOSHO said:
that's precisely what i was pointing out, thanks for reiterating it.

are you as neurotic and persnickety in person as you are behind your arm chair?

finally, are you still using paper charts???
Click to expand...
dude, you need to let it go...you were snarky and off handed about something and really provided nothing of value to the OP and got called out...accept it and move on (kinda like you were telling the OP to do).
 
rokshana said:
dude, you need to let it go...you were snarky and off handed about something and really provided nothing of value to the OP and got called out...accept it and move on (kinda like you were telling the OP to do).
Click to expand...

lol i said one thing that is unfortunately overwhelmingly and disappointingly true. wasn't meant to offend anyone. There was one anecdotal reply. And then the thread was derailed by a bunch of people calling me names and mischaracterizing what i said. Instead of replying to me and making my notification box light up, why dont YOU actually provide something helpful to the OP?
 
DOFOSHO said:
1) that's precisely what i was pointing out, thanks for reiterating it.

2) are you as neurotic and persnickety in person as you are behind your arm chair?
Click to expand...

1. But you didn't. You said, "The courts have no time for your ex, and the jails don't have the space or funds to accommodate him." Both those statements are objectively false. Not only do courts handle misdemeanors and petty crimes on a daily basis, but they have plenty of time and funding to do so. And that's not even touching the fact a minimal google search shows that some states define Revenge Porn as a felony and worthy of prison/jail time and up to $100,000s in fines.

Also, you never commented on how state laws often lag behind technology and the complications arise from that. You also never said anything about how courts mishandle sex crimes or crimes that disproportionately affect female victims.

2. Tragically, I am.

But I've wasted enough time on this little misadventure. I wish the OP best of luck and to listen to more constructive posts here encouraging her to confront this guy with an attorney.
 
Sardonix said:
1. But you didn't. You said, "The courts have no time for your ex, and the jails don't have the space or funds to accommodate him." Both those statements are objectively false. Not only do courts handle misdemeanors and petty crimes on a daily basis, but they have plenty of time and funding to do so. And that's not even touching the fact a minimal google search shows that some states define Revenge Porn as a felony and worthy of prison/jail time and up to $100,000s in fines.

Also, you never commented on how state laws often lag behind technology and the complications arise from that. You also never said anything about how courts mishandle sex crimes or crimes that disproportionately affect female victims.

2. Tragically, I am.

But I've wasted enough time on this little misadventure. I wish the OP best of luck and to listen to more constructive posts here encouraging her to confront this guy with an attorney.
Click to expand...

that reminds me of the FBI warning before every movie which goes something like, "copying this film can result in 5 years in prison and $500,000 dollar fine". I actually find it offensive that disseminating a copy of The Little Mermaid carriers a higher sentence/fine than disseminating a revenge porn tape.

Like i suggested earlier, the crime is despicable, however, other than a few convictions here and there, the vast majority of these revenge porn crimes are being ignored or mishandled. Yall have to calm down, i'm not attacking anyone, just making an observation.
 
DOFOSHO said:
lol i said one thing that is unfortunately overwhelmingly and disappointingly true. wasn't meant to offend anyone. There was one anecdotal reply. And then the thread was derailed by a bunch of people calling me names and mischaracterizing what i said. Instead of replying to me and making my notification box light up, why dont YOU actually provide something helpful to the OP?
Click to expand...
Lol good troll, you actually got everyone going.
 
I'd imagine that cops are much more willing to work on a case that is less personally-threatening to their safety than the armed robberies, rapes, and murders that they're apparently too busy dealing with. Especially when they might get accused of being racist while doing those cases (killing criminals who resist). "Heck yeah I'll deal with a convenience store robbery instead of this safe, revenge porn case with a physician victim."

Even when being #edgy, troll's opinion does not reflect a plausible form of reality.
 
Ooooooook, I regret contributing to this side conversation.

Let's try to keep things civil and focus on offering responses that may be helpful to the OP.
 
darknecrosforte said:
I'd imagine that cops are much more willing to work on a case that is less personally-threatening to their safety than the armed robberies, rapes, and murders that they're apparently too busy dealing with. Especially when they might get accused of being racist while doing those cases (killing criminals who resist). "Heck yeah I'll deal with a convenience store robbery instead of this safe, revenge porn case with a physician victim."

Even when being #edgy, troll's opinion does not reflect a plausible form of reality.
Click to expand...

Are you serious?
 
To the OP, sorry this is happening to you. I agree that contacting a lawyer is a good idea. There are a lot of avenues to take (legal action, restraining order, etc) and a lawyer can help you navigate your options. If there is actual blackmail involved, there may be a role for law enforcement too (and please don't give into any demands).

As for your professional career, I doubt this will impact you negatively. I hope any colleagues or mentors would only react with sympathy towards you.
 
darknecrosforte said:
I'd imagine that cops are much more willing to work on a case that is less personally-threatening to their safety than the armed robberies, rapes, and murders that they're apparently too busy dealing with. Especially when they might get accused of being racist while doing those cases (killing criminals who resist). "Heck yeah I'll deal with a convenience store robbery instead of this safe, revenge porn case with a physician victim."

Even when being #edgy, troll's opinion does not reflect a plausible form of reality.
Click to expand...

That's exactly the reason they would pursue this case. What a great reply. You sure showed him. :laugh:
 
DOFOSHO said:
that reminds me of the FBI warning before every movie which goes something like, "copying this film can result in 5 years in prison and $500,000 dollar fine". I actually find it offensive that disseminating a copy of The Little Mermaid carriers a higher sentence/fine than disseminating a revenge porn tape.

Like i suggested earlier, the crime is despicable, however, other than a few convictions here and there, the vast majority of these revenge porn crimes are being ignored or mishandled. Yall have to calm down, i'm not attacking anyone, just making an observation.
Click to expand...

Clearly not much understanding of the system here.... Whether the guy goes to jail depends on 3 things only

1. How aggressively she pursues pressing charges (ie willing to spend money on a good lawyer)
2. What laws are on the books in her state for revenege porn and blackmail
3. Quality and quantity of evidence of his crimes.

Cops have minimal involvement in this type of case. And the courts have pretty much no say in whether the matter is prosecuted or not if a crime is committed....

If these cases rarely result in jail time for perps it’s due to other factors (usually victim not pursuing justice).... NOT because the courts are “bogged down” with violet crime. Latter might delay things a little but again, has no bearing on the final outcome.
 
Just ignore him as he's just trying to upset you.
 
darknecrosforte said:
It's a crime referred to as "revenge porn", even if you took the photos/videos and even if you consented ever. The sociopolitical climate also favors your side at the moment. Make sure you have as much concrete evidence and let him know that if he wants to get convicted then he can try it (semi-bluff). He has motive and will easily get convicted and it is unlikely there will be any professional consequences because it can make those decision-makers look like they're "anti-woman's rights". Minor downsides for you and major downsides to the man (depending on the state). The charge alone can be a year in jail, but the probable charges of stalking and harassment can increase this.
Click to expand...

If the victim of revenge porn was a male , would the decisions makers be less sympathetic cause it’s not “anti woman rights ?”

Is the sociopolitical climate and medical employers not sympathetic to male victims of revenge porn and is revenge porn only seen as a woman’s right issue ?
 
ehale434 said:
If the victim of revenge porn was a male , would the decisions makers be less sympathetic cause it’s not “anti woman rights ?”

Is the sociopolitical climate and medical employers not sympathetic to male victims of revenge porn and is revenge porn only seen as a woman’s right issue ?
Click to expand...

Literally nothing prompted this question.

As much as I hate to the be the person saying it, this post can probably be locked.
 
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