please read my personal statement and give feedback

[63768]

Hey SDN people,

I saw another thread that was posted recently with the intent of revising a personal statement and I saw a lot of great feedback. Since I want to make sure my PS is perfect, I figured SDN would be able to provide me with some constructive criticism. Also if this is some violation of board rules, would the mods do what needs to be done to this thread? So, below is my personal statement. Treat me as if you were an adcom. Thank you guys very much!

"-------I rolled my eyes for what must have been the millionth time. They were doing it again. Dad was standing idly by with a small grin on his face, and Mom was bragging to the neighbors about her son, future M.D. They were bringing up the story of Dr. David Ho, Time Magazine’s Man of the Year in 1996 as a prophecy of my own rise to greatness. Before I could blink, my mom had the magazine in hand and was flipping to the article on Dr. Ho. Sometimes I think she must carry a copy of that issue in her purse for the sole purpose of embarrassing me. I turned around and walked back into the house, shaking my head and muttering how weird my parents were. Even though I’d known I wanted to be a doctor since I began volunteering in Medical City Dallas Hospital during my sophomore year of high school, I still had a lot to learn and a lot to experience. Looking back, I realize how little I knew about my intended profession and, more importantly, myself. Seeing as how this is my second time applying to medical school, I’ve learned that having the potential to be a good medical school student is not enough; I need to remember that I have to prepare myself with the skills to be a good doctor because it is a lifetime commitment. It is my experiences in shadowing Dr. Kenneth Mathis, in a classroom seminar on international health topics, and my interaction with Vietnamese community through the Rice Vietnamese Student Association (VSA) that demonstrate my potential to be a good doctor.
-------Dr. Mathis, an orthopedic surgeon at the Baylor College of Medicine, showed me how to care for my patients in the future as a physician through his example while I was shadowing him. Patients would come into his clinic with fear and concern wrinkled in their faces, but when Dr. Mathis’ hands wrapped around the patient’s joints and massaged the joint, I could see the patient’s face cringing in pain melt into a smile and a laugh. I often left his clinic shaking my head and wondering how he did it. As I watched more closely, I saw that in each interaction, Dr. Mathis is able to question and answer on the patient’s condition while having friendly conversation about anything, from last weekend's fishing trip to the family's new puppy. He showed me that making a connection and building trust, which are essential for practicing medicine, are easier when the patient and doctor share common ground. Watching Dr. Mathis work, I fully realized for the first time, that I will one day be the doctor that will heal and cure this generation and generations past, literally holding the lives of these people in my hands. He taught me that being the best textbook practitioner is not enough; that to provide true care to patients as a doctor, my knowledge must not stop at medicine.
-------While the physician-patient interaction is essential in the practice of medicine, a focus on public health is also important for the improvement in the overall health of nations. In classroom seminar on international public health issues, I was challenged to open my mind and look at “the big picture” of healthcare. It is often said that about 15% of our population is uninsured, and therefore more money must go to providing coverage for those who are unable to pay for their medical expenses. Without being partisan, I believe that this money should be used to prevent the problems before they occur instead of playing “catch-up.” This means advocating public health and awareness of the most common and pressing diseases. It is this kind of thinking that I hope to further cultivate during my employment at the Houston Center for Quality of Care and Utilization Studies. Currently, I am working on a project that looks at the prevalence of peripheral vascular disease and the level of knowledge and awareness about the disease. While it is still in the early stages of the project, it seems as if there is a lack of knowledge and awareness about a disease that is a risk factor for ischemic heart disease, which has consistently been a leading cause of death in the United States.
-------All of this research and information done in public health would be useless without being able to convey it to the rest of the world. While there are ways to communicate the information gleaned from this research, I believe it is through the physician that information can be most effectively spread because physicians hold an esteemed position in our society. So I hope to strengthen and increase my current connections to my community that I have established during my years at Rice University. During my college years, I have been actively involved in the Rice VSA and through that involvement, I have made many ties with the Vietnamese community. One of these is with Anhlan Nguyen who works at the MD Anderson Cancer Center and is the director for the Vietnamese Culture and Science Association (VCSA). Each year, the VCSA conducts a series of anti-tobacco related events called the Tobacco Prevention Program. In this program, parents and children are educated about tobacco prevention in hopes of decreasing the prevalence of smoking-related diseases in the future. This is but one example of the benefits of community involvement that I will maintain a connection to the community as a physician.
-------Although following in the footsteps of Time's 1996 Man of the Year would satisfy my parents' expectations, I know what I truly want is to touch patients on a personal level like Dr. Mathis and help improve the overall state of health."

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[CerealBox]

"-------I rolled my eyes for what must have been the millionth time. They were doing it again. Dad was standing idly by with a small grin on his face, and Mom was bragging to the neighbors about her son, future M.D. They were bringing up the story of Dr. David Ho, Time Magazine’s Man of the Year in 1996 as a prophecy of my own rise to greatness. Before I could blink, my mom had the magazine in hand and was flipping to the article on Dr. Ho. Sometimes I think she must carry a copy of that issue in her purse for the sole purpose of embarrassing me. I turned around and walked back into the house, shaking my head and muttering how weird my parents were.

what is the big connection to Dr. Ho? how did he influence you? why did your parents use his story to refer to you? why is his story a prophecy of your greatness? ... this doesn't make sense to me.

Also, i think each sentence should have a clear topic/main point. And try to make that point easy to understand. Some paragraphs have multiple ideas that don't flow together perfectly.

And make sure Dr. Mathis gives you one of your LORs.

Overall I think the statement is good and just needs lots of refining.

 

[Scarletbegonias]

The OP ties in the connection to Dr. Ho at the end. Very nice personal statement. I wouldn't make any changes. It seems kind of long. Is it within the specified AMCAS length? If not, it wouldn't be hard to cut it down to a more concise version. It makes you seem like a well-rounded applicant, with a very well-thought out mission and purpose to practice medicine.

 

[lfesiam]

"-------I rolled my eyes for what must have been the millionth time. They were doing it again. Dad was standing idly by with a small grin on his face, and Mom was bragging to the neighbors about her son, future M.D. They were bringing up the story of Dr. David Ho, Time Magazine's Man of the Year in 1996 as a prophecy of my own rise to greatness."

1) ::approach with caution:: there is a stigma of asian american parents pushing their kids to be doctors among adcoms, i would carefully tread this topic. I experienced this myself. Make sure you convey everything sincerely.

2) I think one paragraph (dr. mathis part is really good)+ wraping it up again in the conclusion about why you want to be a doctor is enough. You should include unique things about yourself that would set you apart from the crowd. Are you an atlethe? art/music inclined? unique hobbies? I mean tell them about you as a person too, don't just feed them things about healthcare, they know about that already. Talk about yourself and your personal qualities too.

3) i would condensed it a bit also, imagine that you are on the adcom and going through 50-100s of these essays per day...the shorter "to the point" essays would be best retained. hope this help.

4) America is made up of great story tellers...so be one Tell a true, sincere, clear, engaging story. I suggest you buy a book on succesful applicant essays to get the feel of length, writing style, etc...

best wishes

 

[curiouslygeorge]

It is about 700 characters too long. By cutting it down, you will improve it quite a bit. (It is rather wordy right now, and you don't want the reader to get bogged down by the words.) Also, little grammar things can change and save characters... Like "Seeing as how" should just be "As" or "Since."

I know that is picky but "As" would be two characters, while "Seeing as how" is 14. Do that throughout and you will cut it down without losing the substance.

Basic essay advice:
Shorter paragraphs.
More periods.
Fewer commas.
Words to chew on; not words to wade through.

 

[crazy_cavalier]

para one: I like the anecdotal beginning. It tells a tale that many of us have likely encountered, and I'm glad you're gutsy enough to go there. The "stigma" attached to this rises from the concern that your desire to be a doctor is not truly self-instilled, but rather a product of your parents' coercion, but here I do not get that impression, though I'm certain your parents are likely to take your med school admission as a turn-around for bragging rights. How about a clear-cut memory from volunteering in your sophomore year in HS? Use tons of descriptors if you do this. Also, maybe you can expand a little on the fact that this is your second time around applying, what you have learned since then, and why you think you didn't get in the first time around and the measures you've taken to amend that. overall the language is good, very readable, and I feel connected to you.

para two: First sentence could be reworded a touch (a little awk.) Very nice! (care/concerned wrinkled in their faces) love the details, great story-telling I can really picture him practicing! Is Dr. Mathis a DO?? If he is a DO, and you are applying to MD schools, what might you say if an interviewer asks you if you considered DO schools? I think the last sentence could be reworded a touch as well, "he taught me... that knowledge of medicine alone is not enough, it takes a special touch of kindness and an affable character" etc.

para three: "While..., a focus on public health is also important for the improvement in the overall health of nations." The adcoms do not need to be told this, they already know it. Why not say, "now I understand that public health on a global scale is critical etc" something along those lines. Also, I am a little concerned because the topic of this paragraph that you are trying to tackle is a little overwhelming and you could write a whole other PS on this alone. It would be better to write a PS about just one or two experiences and fully explore this in all its detail, rather than have 3-4 experiences thrown in, although I can certainly see how you would want to include a little spotlight on your research on the vascular ischemia. However, I advise you to remember that the PS is NOT a resume in paragraph or story form - you should really pick and choose those one or two experiences that have been the most meaningful to you, paint a story of them, explore them and share yourself as a person (using your natural voice and language that keeps the reader close to you) and then tell us about how you have matured / developed as a person and show us what qualities you have (kindness, leadership, maturity, etc.)

para four: "All of this research and information done in public health would be useless without being able to convey it to the rest of the world." Again, do not waste any part of your PS by telling the adcoms moot points like this. I realize your intent here - you are trying to throw in a topic sentence and shift into the next paragraph, but there are other ways of doing that which would be more economical to your essay. I say "economical" because writing this thing is a ratio of the meaning you can convey :: (to the) number of words you have to use. Overall, this paragraph leaves me thinking "resume" once again. The story-telling perspective is slowly dimming away... but then...

para five: hooray you tied in to the beginning! very nice that's an excellent thing to do. I would encourage you to reword this paragraph and say something along the lines of, "although becoming the next Dr. Ho would certainly satisfy my parents' hopes, I've come to have hopes of my own: to touch the lives of my patients and the lives of my neighbors / community, to lead efforts in improving health policy, to (insert YOUR other hopes and dreams etc.)

---------------------------------
OVERALL

You need to convince me that, even with all you say, the MD is right for you, if that is what you are applying for (i.e. applying to MD schools.) At this point, you should expect an interviewer to ask you, "why not DO?", along with, "why not go into health policy?" You might want to strongly reflect on leadership positions you've had in thinking about this topic.

The essay on the whole is okay/"good"; my major suggestions to you would be to CUT OUT some things, because they really are unnecessary, and to HIGHLIGHT only one or two experiences that really shaped your character and your desires for practicing medicine. The essay reads as good story-telling in some places (watching Dr. Mathis work), and a resume in paragraph form in other places. The PS is not the place for resume fodder!!! You have lots of other room in your application to get wordy on aaalllll the things you do, use it. Here, make a personal, interesting story and show me that you have the qualities that a great physician would have.

Other remarks: the language of the whole essay is good, and the organization is clean and readable

Good luck on your application and best wishes

 

[Scarletbegonias]

The essay reads as good story-telling in some places (watching Dr. Mathis work), and a resume in paragraph form in other places. The PS is not the place for resume fodder!!! You have lots of other room in your application to get wordy on aaalllll the things you do, use it.

While, a ps shouldn't list activities/qualifications like a resumé (aka be a list), some resumés do include mission statements that would probably be hard to distinguish from what is written in a ps. Also, you really don't have that much room on the rest of the app do really describe or go into depth about your activities like you do in the ps.

You need to convince me that, even with all you say, the MD is right for you, if that is what you are applying for (i.e. applying to MD schools.) At this point, you should expect an interviewer to ask you, "why not DO?", along with, "why not go into health policy?" You might want to strongly reflect on leadership positions you've had in thinking about this topic.

There's not any difference between DO and MD when it comes to proving that you are made for practicing medicine. They are both licensed and equipped to practice medicine. So I doubt that you need to prove that you are made for MD over DO.
He also makes it clear why he wants to be an MD and not go into health policy when he says, "All of this research and information done in public health would be useless without being able to convey it to the rest of the world. While there are ways to communicate the information gleaned from this research, I believe it is through the physician that information can be most effectively spread because physicians hold an esteemed position in our society. "

First sentence could be reworded a touch (a little awk.)

This sentence is fine.

I think the last sentence could be reworded a touch as well, "he taught me... that knowledge of medicine alone is not enough, it takes a special touch of kindness and an affable character" etc.

This sentence is also fine. I understood what you were trying to say right away. It was also in a conversational, personal tone.

para three: "While..., a focus on public health is also important for the improvement in the overall health of nations." The adcoms do not need to be told this, they already know it. Why not say, "now I understand that public health on a global scale is critical etc" something along those lines. Also, I am a little concerned because the topic of this paragraph that you are trying to tackle is a little overwhelming and you could write a whole other PS on this alone. It would be better to write a PS about just one or two experiences and fully explore this in all its detail, rather than have 3-4 experiences thrown in, although I can certainly see how you would want to include a little spotlight on your research on the vascular ischemia.

I think this is an interesting paragraph. I see nothing wrong with it. It tells the reader about yourself, your views on medicine, and your reasons for becoming a physician. I wouldn't take the advice to make this change: '"While..., a focus on public health is also important for the improvement in the overall health of nations." The adcoms do not need to be told this, they already know it. Why not say, "now I understand that public health on a global scale is critical etc" something along those lines." What you say is true, gives background to your experiences and reasons for seeking those experiences. Also changing it to something like: "now I understand that public health on a global scale is critical etc" would be simplifying what you want to say, and putting into other words. It's not like you are actually telling the adcoms this, it's providing back ground for what else you are going to say. They will understand why you made this statement.

Basically, I thought a lot of this advice that was given was not that great and also ascribed a ps to some sort of formula. It also seemed kind of naive, which could be attributed to someone who hasn't yet applied or been admitted to medical school, or at least isn't that familiar with writing or critiquing personal statements, or writing for that matter.

 

[LT2]

"All of this research and information done in public health would be useless without being able to convey it to the rest of the world. "

The beginning of this sentence struck me as hard to read. I might try to get rid of it or modify it because it sounds like you are saying "information done", but i think you mean all of the research done. Maybe "all of the research done and information gleaned...." or "all of the information acquired from the research done in public health..."

 

[LadyBulldog]

i also like the first line and the first paragraph....but i agree that if you're daring enough to include that, then maybe you should somehow try to emphasize that the decision to enter medicine was yours and not your parents. And how they responded to when you first applied might be interesting as well, and also bring back this theme.

i was also wondering, what else did you do with the vietnamese group? I'm interested because i'm part of my indian group and it is my major activity (15-20 hrs/wk, often more) and has been throughout my time in college......we do so many cultural and social and political things that it has really been instrumental in defining me as well as my time in college. when you first mentioned the group, i thought of it as a non-medical activity that would help define you, and yet this idea was never fully developed.....just something to think about

 

[crazy_cavalier]

The following is directed at Scarletbegonias and the response made to my evaluation:

Firstly, the MD/DO concern is valid in my opinion. I will not argue the mundane point you raised in how MD's and DO's are both made for practicing medicine with the same character and all. However, if this question popped up in my head as I was reading it, it could also pop up in an interviewer's head as well, and my warning is fully justified. ANY question that pops up in any reader's head who reads this PS, given that it is reasonable and the reader is truly interested and gives a genuine effort in reading this thing, is fair game.

Next, regarding the public policy thing: IF that is clearly his reason for MD over health policy, then that is a very poor reason and I wager he would get grilled on it in the interview. "Because doctors have prestige / hold an esteemed position" is a typical motivation that the adcoms are NOT looking for. I am merely suggesting to him that he makes it clear that he has those good qualities / motivations (leadership!)

Next, you have a good bit of room on your app to discuss your activities in detail. You get FIFTEEN slots in the EC section, and each slot has enough room for a detailed synopsis of the activity you listed. You just have to watch the economical use of language: squeeze out more meaning, using less words.

Finally, this is not your essay. Why are you responding to my feedback? This is an A-B conversion between me and the person who wrote this essay - why don't you "C" your way out of it?

To the original author of the essay:

Do not readily take any advice from anyone that tells you your essay is perfect and that they would not change anything. I would advise you that some people are corrupt enough to try to sabotage your essay by saying it is really stellar, when the reality may be otherwise.

The feedback I offer is merely my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt, but whatever. I am not a final authority on PS essay writing, for chrissake. Anyway, good luck and I hope all works out for the best for you!

 

[crazy_cavalier]

Basically, I thought a lot of this advice that was given was not that great and also ascribed a ps to some sort of formula. It also seemed kind of naive, which could be attributed to someone who hasn't yet applied or been admitted to medical school, or at least isn't that familiar with writing or critiquing personal statements, or writing for that matter.

Boy it's funny you should say that. I've only read about 6-7 books, all of them about applying to med school. I mean, I guess after reading Barron's "Essays that will get you into Medical School", along with other books of this nature, in addition to Kaplan's "Get into Medical School" and a whole other plethora of online material, resources at my career center, and other reading material, ya you're right I am soooo naive about applying to med school and I am not a good critic.

Hmmm it's so strange, since I suck at reading PS's so much, and yet here I am getting private messages from people who want me to read their PS.

Yes, and my advice to highlight the most personal experiences and shape them around your unique character is soooo totally formula. Gosh I never realized how cookie-cutter that sounds. Every essay would be the same if we all talked about what personal things were most important to us!!!!

Scarletbegonias, I ask that you no longer interact with me, the posts I make, or otherwise make any comment about anything I say. You suck

 

[Scarletbegonias]

Sorry you took my advice to the op so personally, but this is a forum. If you post your comments, publicly, and someone disagrees with you, the person might just post something. Get used to it.
Secondly, I didn't say the essay was perfect.
Also, just because those questions were raised in your mind, doesn't mean that an adcom member will necessarily be concerned with it.
He simply says that being a physician is a good way to convey health information to individuals because society holds physicians as "esteemed," which is true. I'm not saying that's such a good thing, but i don't get the sense that is his reason for going into medicine. But yes, I'll give something to you. He may want to change that a little. There are other reasons why physicians can help improve public health through education of individual patients.

 

[LT2]

i think this thread is going a bit off track, the OP asked everyone to give comments regarding their personal statement...

not to sound like mom, but we should all know that we post comments with the intent of helping, and it is up to the OP to determine what advice they will and will not ascribe to.

begonias, i believe you are entitled to your own opinion, but again, i think it is the OP who should choose what advice to listen to and what not to.
i think cavalier had some very useful advice in his/her post, but i wouldn't spend the time to go through to highlight it, by evaluating the post...

in any case, remember we're all here trying to help each other, right?

 

[crazy_cavalier]

Sorry you took my advice to the op so personally, but this is a forum. If you post your comments, publicly, and someone disagrees with you, the person might just post something. Get used to it.
Secondly, I didn't say the essay was perfect.

Your advice to the OP is irrelevant to me. I am not the OP. Just as my advice has no bearing to you. And the fact that I take what you say about me personally stems from what you wrote - the implication that I am "not familiar with writing" and all that lot. How dare you? I am offended. You have a right to disagree with me, but you do not have a right to attack me. I made no such childish remarks to you, now did I? When I read your initial feedback, I thought to myself, "well I disagree with this guy" but I did not go on to defame your reading skills or your background in the application process.

Oh, and by the way, "I wouldn't change any thing" is basically the same thing as saying "the essay is just fine (or perfect) the way it is." That's basically the tone of your feedback anyway.

 

[Scarletbegonias]

FYI: This is not meant for Cavalier... since I'm not supposed to interact with him....
I posted those comments earlier to refute some advice given, that I felt was incorrect or inaccurate. I applied this year, so I've had some experience of going through the application cycle, writing a personal statement, reading other personal statements, and critiquing peoples' writing through course work, and it's something I like to do. My main purpose was to "help" the op and not to start anything with anyone else.

 

[63768]

ok i didnt want to start a huge argument between posters. to both scarlet and cavalier, you're very valuable people on this board and your advice is sound and i'll take it with a grain of salt.

to approach some of the questions raised, yes i know my PS is longer than the length limit. since this is a first draft, i decided to go overboard since i find it easier to cut than to add.

i understand that my intro can lead adcoms to think that i was coerced into medicine. how can i change my intro so that it doesnt lead to that thought? should i explicitly say, "now i'm not one to be told what to do with my life but it did spark my thoughts on being a doctor."

dr. mathis is an MD. should i explicitly indicate that? and i dont want to get an LOR from him because i only shadowed him for 3 months. i dont think he knows me well enough to be able to write a good LOR.

in the latter paragraphs, where it seems as if i'm writing a resume, i feel as if doctors nowadays dont focus on their patients. in my research at the HCQCUS and in my experiences as a consultant in a healthcare consulting firm, i see that there's an increasing amount of distrust for physicians from patients. so i think it's important for doctors to have a connection with their community and the ability to think in publichealth terms.

more feedback is always helpful! thanks everyone.

 

[63768]

bump for more opinions =)

 

[Sundarban1]

bump for more opinions =)

Never post your personal statement on a public forum

 

[gerido]

bump for more opinions =)

If the essay you post is the first draft, then I think you're heading in the right direction. What you have to keep in mind is that there are probably thousands of essays that the adcom read that are similar to this (hard for me to comprehend at first too), so it will difficult for them to differentiate you from the other applicants to you. Make the essay about YOU! not just about the doctors that you shawdowed. talk about YOUR direct interact with the patients, how they make YOU feel and how YOU make them feel.

I think I understand the point of talking about Dr. Ho, you want to eliminate the idea of parental pressure and point out that you have thought about medicine throughly and going into medicine for the right reason. However, I think your essay is weak at demonstrating this point. Your one "learning" experience is with Dr. Mathis, and you focus more on him then yourself. One example to demonstrate thorough thinking is to talk about why you advocate public health. Other than the number 15% of uninsured people, what personal experience (friends, family, patients you deal with) make you adopt this point of view. You talk about the mission of VSA, but then you didn't emphasize on your own believe, and why you involve yourself with them in the first place.

Your essay is also very wordy. For example, "strengthen" is enough, you don't need "strengthen and increase." You list many things that you did, but keep in mind that the AMCAS will also give you space to fill out activities. Pick a few good experience and use them as examples of your progressive understanding and maturity towards medicine and its role.