plese read my PS

[FS-Pro]

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[markt]

here is my PS, can you plese read and give me any comments. thanks.
(snip)

Hi,
In case you didn't know there is a list of people willing to read personal statements. I believe it is mainly for allopathic schools, but it should probably be the same. Here's the link:
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=202839

Cheers

 

[mango2182]

it is incubate not intubate, be careful will small spelling errors

 

[UNE2009LMD]

intubate is correct...putting a tube down someone's throat. Incubation is for preemies.

as for the PS, describe more. Tell less. Don't speak in the negative, i.e. ... "A doctor that can’t relate to the patients will not be an effective doctor." Don't allow any negativity in your PS. It doesn't sound nice.

"I have participated in many group projects in my classes that have given me the experience to work well with others and be an effective communicator'..what kinds of groups? It's so general.

You're telling too much. Pick 2 or three things and describe. Leave the rest for the potential interview.

 

[izibo]

it is incubate not intubate, be careful will small spelling errors

wow... how many doctors have you seen incubate a patient? they aren't freaking eggs!

 

[kumark13]

Way to go Mango!!! make sure you know what you are talking about before putting somebody else down.

 

[1viking]

the guy probably hasn't had a day of med training but has applied; give him a break. I would have done the same thing (well, I would have dictionaried the word first).

 

[redwings54]

intubate is correct...putting a tube down someone's throat. Incubation is for preemies.

as for the PS, describe more. Tell less. Don't speak in the negative, i.e. ... "A doctor that can’t relate to the patients will not be an effective doctor." Don't allow any negativity in your PS. It doesn't sound nice.

"I have participated in many group projects in my classes that have given me the experience to work well with others and be an effective communicator'..what kinds of groups? It's so general.

You're telling too much. Pick 2 or three things and describe. Leave the rest for the potential interview.

I completely agree with UNE2009LMD. The most advice I received on my personal statement was show, dont tell. Everyone has done things that point them in the direction of a medical career, but what have your experiences given you. You list a lot of your academic achievements also. I dont think this is going to help you here for the simple reason that most everyone is a strong candidate academically. What about your academic career sets you apart? Rather than saying you were selected as a TA, say what you did and why it was beneficial. Why did working in the hospital give you that drive and direction? You start out with a specific experience, which is great, but you need to be more descriptive and choose your words carefully. Near the bottom of your essay, your experience in Mexico sounds great. Use it more. What did it teach you? How have you learned to help and relate to others? DONT LIST, show what you have done with valuable prose. As hard as it might be to do this, my suggestion would be to rewrite your essay using a few key examples, your experience in the hospital showing you know what a hospital is about and you are excited about it, your TAing and independent study showing you can handle the academic rigor of medical school, and your experience in Mexico showing your desire to help others in need and how you can relate to others as well. If you describe these few key aspects a little more effectively then I think you will have a great essay. Good luck. And bear in mind, that this is simply what I would do and what I have been told. Do what you feel is best and dont be afraid to ask for more advice on here. Cheers.

 

[DrDad]

OP....

Relax, it is a good statement, best thing you can do is just represent no one but yourself. If they dont want "you" then it is highly likely that you wont want "them".

Just a word for the wise, dont go to school somewhere you cannot see yourself being an alum of...

Best of Luck

DrDad

 

[FS-Pro]

thanks for all of the advice, it is greatly appreciated!

 

[Raven Feather]

here is my PS, can you plese read and give me any comments. thanks.

“Code 2502” sounded over the intercom while volunteering at the ER department one afternoon. This meant that an ambulance was five minutes away with a patient who was not breathing. Immediately we began to prepare a room for this new patient. When the doors swung open from the ambulance dock, I could see a young boy lying on the stretcher. The feeling of excitement immediately took over as I watched the doctors intubate the boy. Unfortunately the boy did not live. The feeling of excitement and desire to help in any way gained by this experience has continued to reassure my desire to become a doctor.

I have worked incredibly hard in my courses since deciding to pursue a career as a physician and have never been more passionate about school until starting the pre-med science courses. I made the decision to become a physician as it combined two of my passions, science and the opportunity to work with people. Another factor that led me to this decision was seeing the satisfaction my father receives as a physician and my own medical experiences. I have seen the hard work and dedication required to succeed as a physician through my father and have learned many things from my father.

I believe I will be successful in medical school as I have an aptitude and enthusiasm for science. I was selected to be a teaching assistant in physics because I performed well in class and was able to work with and help other students. I was selected for this position also because of the leadership and communication skills that I demonstrated in class. I also was selected to perform an independent research project with my physics professor.

Academically I don’t think I will have problems because of the success that I had over the last several years of undergraduate classes. A doctor must have this academic knowledge, but must also possess the ability to effectively communicate and work with others. A doctor that can’t relate to the patients will not be an effective doctor. I feel that I have developed the skills necessary to work with people through my experiences as a business student. I have participated in many group projects in my classes that have given me the experience to work well with others and be an effective communicator. I have also been able to volunteer in the ER department and traveled to Mexico with the “Flying Samaritans to set up a free medical clinic. I believe these experiences will be very helpful as a physician while working with other doctors, nurses and patients.

I am also a hard worker in other areas of my life besides school. In high school I advanced to the CIF sectionals in golf all four years. I also competed in many junior golf tournaments throughout the summers and did very well because of the hard work and commitment to succeeding in golf. I have an interest in sports medicine because I have always been an athlete. I am excited to learn the different techniques used in osteopathic medicine to treat different illnesses and sports related injuries.

Im going to be honest---not that I am the world's greatest writer but this is such an important essay that you deserve someone being 100% objective.

It does not set you apart from anyone in a positive way. Dont talk about how well you have done in your courses for your transcipts will verify that. As far as golfing, let that be something you can discuss at an interview when one of the potential questions could be, "So what are your hobbies and interests?" Dont say you dont think you will have problems in med school--if you didnt think you were successful you probably wouldnt be applying. (Im saying that in a nice way.) Dont talk so much about school, they want you to talk about YOU. Reading your PS I didnt get the essence of you.

Your opening paragraph is pretty good. Some ideas to continue your statement could be... What is medicine to you or that you see in your father beyond hardwork (ie the softer skills). What principles dealing with humanity have you learned throughout your life?

Just some thoughts. Good luck!

 

[chacem]

Personally, the beginning paragraph doesn't make me want to read the PS.
You go into a lot of detail in the first two sentences, then go right to saying "the kid didn't live."
Granted, you claim that it made your body fill w/ excitement-- but I'm sure porn does too, and I'll bet that you don't want to be a pornstar.

If it were my personal statement, I would go into a bit more detail about how in front of you, within a matter of seconds, the doctors in the ER collaborated as a team, critically thinking of ways to effectively treat the patient (then later integrate critical thinking and teamwork as an asset you posess)... Moreover, if you want to express how exciting and exhilarating it was, perhaps give specific examples about how you watch the doctors race against time...

When you talk about when the child died-- say it in a way that isn't to negative... EX: Although the boy passed on,... [insertwittywayofsayingthat manypeopleslivesweresaved]

Good luck, man!

 

[LT2]

You have "the feeling of excitement" as the beginning of two sentences almost immediately following each other in the opening paragraph.

also, i've said it before, but i'll say it again... you don't want to lecture adcoms on what a doctor is/does/should do. they know this, for the most part, they are doctors. use your experiences to demonstrate that you realize what a doctor should be/do/etc.


on an irrelevant side note, what clinic did you set up in mexico? i do a bunch of work with the flying sams as well...

good luck

 

[FS-Pro]

here is my updated version:

“Code 2502” sounded over the intercom while I was volunteering in the ER department one afternoon. This meant that an ambulance was five minutes away with a patient who was not breathing. Immediately we prepared a room for the new patient. When the doors from the ambulance dock swung open, I could see a young boy lying on a stretcher. I watched as the doctors quickly collaborated as a team and intubated the patient and started IV’s. The ability of the doctors to work together so smoothly was fascinating. It was exciting and satisfying to help. It reassured me of my desire to become a doctor.
After visiting Mexico several times, it became apparent that medical attention was desperately needed in some areas. There was an opportunity to travel to Mexico with the “Flying Samaritans” to set up a free medical clinic. This experience opened my eyes to the gratification received from directly helping patients as we helped many patients who would not have received medical attention otherwise. This gratification of helping a patient is something that I look forward to feeling everyday.
I have worked incredibly hard in my courses since deciding to pursue a career as a physician and have never been more passionate about school until starting the pre-med science courses. I made the decision to become a physician as it combined two of my passions, science and the opportunity to work with people. Another factor that led me to this decision was seeing the satisfaction my father receives as a physician. I have seen the hard work, dedication and empathy required to succeed as a physician.
I have an aptitude and enthusiasm for science, which has been apparent from the success I have had over the last several years of classes. A doctor must have this academic knowledge, but must also possess the ability to effectively communicate and work with others. After performing well in class and showing my ability to work with and help other students, I was selected to be a teaching assistant in physics. The leadership and communication skills that I demonstrated in class allowed me to attain this position and the opportunity to work on an independent research project. The ability to succeed in these areas shows that I am prepared for the rigors of medical school.
I am a hard worker in other areas of my life. In high school I advanced to the CIF sectionals in golf all four years. I competed in many junior golf tournaments throughout the summers and did very well because of the hard work and commitment to succeed in golf. I am interested in sports medicine because I have always been an athlete and would like to help other athletes. I am excited to learn the techniques of osteopathic medicine to treat different illnesses and sports related injuries. Through what I have learned of OMT, I feel that it would be an exciting and effective way to treat sports related injuries.

 

[Em&M]

here is my updated version:

“Code 2502” sounded over the intercom while I was volunteering in the ER department one afternoon. This meant that an ambulance was five minutes away with a patient who was not breathing. Immediately we prepared a room for the new patient. When the doors from the ambulance dock swung open, I could see a young boy lying on a stretcher. I watched as the doctors quickly collaborated as a team and intubated the patient and started IV’s. The ability of the doctors to work together so smoothly was fascinating. It was exciting and satisfying to help. It reassured me of my desire to become a doctor.
After visiting Mexico several times, it became apparent that medical attention was desperately needed in some areas. There was an opportunity to travel to Mexico with the “Flying Samaritans” to set up a free medical clinic. This experience opened my eyes to the gratification received from directly helping patients as we helped many patients who would not have received medical attention otherwise. This gratification of helping a patient is something that I look forward to feeling everyday.
I have worked incredibly hard in my courses since deciding to pursue a career as a physician and have never been more passionate about school until starting the pre-med science courses. I made the decision to become a physician as it combined two of my passions, science and the opportunity to work with people. Another factor that led me to this decision was seeing the satisfaction my father receives as a physician. I have seen the hard work, dedication and empathy required to succeed as a physician.
I have an aptitude and enthusiasm for science, which has been apparent from the success I have had over the last several years of classes. A doctor must have this academic knowledge, but must also possess the ability to effectively communicate and work with others. After performing well in class and showing my ability to work with and help other students, I was selected to be a teaching assistant in physics. The leadership and communication skills that I demonstrated in class allowed me to attain this position and the opportunity to work on an independent research project. The ability to succeed in these areas shows that I am prepared for the rigors of medical school.
I am a hard worker in other areas of my life. In high school I advanced to the CIF sectionals in golf all four years. I competed in many junior golf tournaments throughout the summers and did very well because of the hard work and commitment to succeed in golf. I am interested in sports medicine because I have always been an athlete and would like to help other athletes. I am excited to learn the techniques of osteopathic medicine to treat different illnesses and sports related injuries. Through what I have learned of OMT, I feel that it would be an exciting and effective way to treat sports related injuries.

WOW
👍

I just read this whole post, from your first version to the revised and all I can say is that it is 10x better

I think that you have used good examples, explained them and have given the reader a very good belief in why you feel that medicine is the career for you!

 

[Taj]

second one is much better than the previous..one thing i would like to share is that I was told that I should not start paragraphs with "I". it apparently turns the adcoms off because it sounds like your preeching...i myself am having a LOT of trouble with this, but i kind of see their point...just sharing what I was told!
good luck
taj

here is my updated version:

“Code 2502” sounded over the intercom while I was volunteering in the ER department one afternoon. This meant that an ambulance was five minutes away with a patient who was not breathing. Immediately we prepared a room for the new patient. When the doors from the ambulance dock swung open, I could see a young boy lying on a stretcher. I watched as the doctors quickly collaborated as a team and intubated the patient and started IV’s. The ability of the doctors to work together so smoothly was fascinating. It was exciting and satisfying to help. It reassured me of my desire to become a doctor.
After visiting Mexico several times, it became apparent that medical attention was desperately needed in some areas. There was an opportunity to travel to Mexico with the “Flying Samaritans” to set up a free medical clinic. This experience opened my eyes to the gratification received from directly helping patients as we helped many patients who would not have received medical attention otherwise. This gratification of helping a patient is something that I look forward to feeling everyday.
I have worked incredibly hard in my courses since deciding to pursue a career as a physician and have never been more passionate about school until starting the pre-med science courses. I made the decision to become a physician as it combined two of my passions, science and the opportunity to work with people. Another factor that led me to this decision was seeing the satisfaction my father receives as a physician. I have seen the hard work, dedication and empathy required to succeed as a physician.
I have an aptitude and enthusiasm for science, which has been apparent from the success I have had over the last several years of classes. A doctor must have this academic knowledge, but must also possess the ability to effectively communicate and work with others. After performing well in class and showing my ability to work with and help other students, I was selected to be a teaching assistant in physics. The leadership and communication skills that I demonstrated in class allowed me to attain this position and the opportunity to work on an independent research project. The ability to succeed in these areas shows that I am prepared for the rigors of medical school.
I am a hard worker in other areas of my life. In high school I advanced to the CIF sectionals in golf all four years. I competed in many junior golf tournaments throughout the summers and did very well because of the hard work and commitment to succeed in golf. I am interested in sports medicine because I have always been an athlete and would like to help other athletes. I am excited to learn the techniques of osteopathic medicine to treat different illnesses and sports related injuries. Through what I have learned of OMT, I feel that it would be an exciting and effective way to treat sports related injuries.

 

[redwings54]

It is better, but it still sounds very preachy. Almost like you are saying, "I am smart...really I am, trust me....I like science too...I am good at it...please believe me." I know that I am being a bit harsh, but I was told that they have your grades, they have your activities, and your essay is a chance to know you beyond that. To show how they affected you and your love for medicine. If you are just saying you like medicine because you are a TA and like science, why not go into research? Bit harsh but you gotta look at it from the point of view of someone reading your essay. Why will this person make a good doctor as opposed to a good researcher? This is directly from my advisor. I think osteopathic schools take this question into account more than allopathic schools, or at least I hope. If you cant tell, I really believe the difference between medicine and research are the people we treat and feel that that needs to shine through in your essay. Thus far I see two great opportunities to show it, with the Flying Sams and with your work in the ER, but you dont show it. If you can show it and cut out how you are such a good student, then I think your essay will be much, much improved. Keep working on it.

 

[Raven Feather]

I agree with the above poster. Just FYI, I didnt even write about "I want to be a doctor b/c I have done this or that"--everyone is going to be writing about their volunteer/clinical experience to show they will be a compassionate doc.