Poll: Ladies, which last name will you use?

[ucsdhibiscus]

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Flip traditions - would you be excited to give up your name to take that of your wife?

I definitely agree with this. If it is important to share a name, then can we share the female name? I don't get/care for the tradition of taking on the male's name.

 

[Abilene85]

I definitely agree with this. If it is important to share a name, then can we share the female name? I don't get/care for the tradition of taking on the male's name.

Or we can take the one that sounds less stupid. Or just blend it all together like they do in Men In Trees to create...the O'Bachelortons. That kind of name will be great for filling out personal info on standardized tests.

 

[armybound]

Thanks for the reply. As far as the ring goes, I guess I wouldn't mind that much if he respected my decision to keep my name. Women can't pick and choose the traditions we want to keep or throw out without a willingness to compromise. I would personally rather wear a simple wedding ring everyday than a honkin' piece of engagement jewelry. I definitely support wedding rings for both partners, though. You know, since the man doesn't take the woman's name, we gotta brand him somehow.

and if he didn't agree with the tradition of wearing rings?

that's just what I'm saying. you might disagree with something he's passionate about. you have to be considerate of both sides of the argument. most guys grow up thinking one day they'll have a Mrs. HisLastName around.

my fiancee and I actually joked about combining our last names. I'm a Mc and she has a short last name so they actually wouldn't be horrible together.

 

[Sir Buckethead]

and the emasculation of the american male continues.

 

[skyeblue0610]

and the emasculation of the american male continues.

this is just "brainstorming" who knows how we'll feel when the time comes.
I'm still doing the hyphen Dr. First Middle Maiden-Married🙂

 

[Jolie South]

I just want to throw something out there. none of the actual wedding stuff matters. no matter what, you're married that's the important part.

because of difficult circumstances, i was forced to elope with my husband. it wasn't how i dreamed of my wedding, but in the end it was great and i don't regret it. i didn't have the dress or the fabulous diamond ring. i feel like it was fated for me like that. i've always been different and my husband is awesome and different too, so to have the cliche wedding wouldn't have been right for us anyways.

so, just a quick reminder to forget about all the dumb details and keep in mind what the actual point of the whole thing is.

 

[AsclepiusI]

they don't let us gays get married... yet 😳

 

[armybound]

I just want to throw something out there. none of the actual wedding stuff matters. no matter what, you're married that's the important part.

because of difficult circumstances, i was forced to elope with my husband. it wasn't how i dreamed of my wedding, but in the end it was great and i don't regret it. i didn't have the dress or the fabulous diamond ring. i feel like it was fated for me like that. i've always been different and my husband is awesome and different too, so to have the cliche wedding wouldn't have been right for us anyways.

so, just a quick reminder to forget about all the dumb details and keep in mind what the actual point of the whole thing is.

I think most girls forget what's really important 🙂

 

[skyeblue0610]

I think most girls forget what's really important 🙂

Doesn't that apply to the last name part as well?

I just want to throw something out there. none of the actual wedding stuff matters. no matter what, you're married that's the important part.

because of difficult circumstances, i was forced to elope with my husband. it wasn't how i dreamed of my wedding, but in the end it was great and i don't regret it. i didn't have the dress or the fabulous diamond ring. i feel like it was fated for me like that. i've always been different and my husband is awesome and different too, so to have the cliche wedding wouldn't have been right for us anyways.

so, just a quick reminder to forget about all the dumb details and keep in mind what the actual point of the whole thing is.

Who mentioned the "wedding" part? I thought we were all talking just about the last name?

 

[armybound]

Doesn't that apply to the last name part as well?

if that's how you want to argue it, sure. you can either argue that a woman shouldn't have to fall into tradition. or you could flip it and say that it's not important for a woman to defy tradition for the sake of her own personal satisfaction with her last name.

like I said, that's going to come between you and your fiance. I'm just here to give one guy's opinion.

 

[Jolie South]

Who mentioned the "wedding" part? I thought we were all talking just about the last name?

there were others talking about the ring and such. that's why i brought it up.

the name isn't important either. my husband doesn't give a crap about it and neither do i.

you're married. the rest is details.

 

[futuredrcrawfor]

Based on guys I know, most don't care about the wedding or engagement ring. Definitely a girl thing - most dream about it from a very young age. But those things you mention are traditions that last for the months of planning and the day of the wedding. As long as she doesn't make you buy a ring you can't afford (doesn't the girl's family pay for the wedding?), it's not a lifelong change.

The girls family traditionally pays for the wedding but the guy buys the girls ring and the girl the guys... but in all honesty most of the time the couple themselves pays for a lot of the wedding.

 

[brains]

I just want my bf's last name because it sounds better and people have a hard enough time pronouncing my last name as is. It's not because of tradition at all. When I think about it, we are the complete opposite of tradition. We have two kids together, I go to school and work, and I plan be the doctor and have him stay home to raise the little ones.

 

[taponthecloud]

You've just described me. If she doesn't respect my feelings on the matter of rings and so forth, then she isn't the right person for me. I don't like rings or gifts as societal symbols. The same should be true the other way around.

You might want to reconsider... (props to anyone who knows the reference)

 

[cbrons]

My fiancee and I were debating this for a while. She really likes her last name and always grew up wanting to be called "Dr X". Now that we're getting married, she'd obviously be called "Dr Y" if she changed her last name, and she wasn't too thrilled about that.

As a guy, I can tell you it's a little weird or even hurtful to think your wife doesn't want to take your last name. It's traditional, and it makes you wonder why she doesn't want your name. I also thought about what the kids would think if their mom didn't want my last name.

Ultimately she decided that she'd change her name to First Maiden Married and use her maiden name on publications and professional uses. She knows of other women who publish and professionally use their maiden name. So she'll still get to be Dr X in the professional world but Dr Y everywhere else. Maybe that's more confusing, but I think she's willing to live with it.

I can understand how you feel. I wouldn't want my wife keeping her old name either. I suppose I could understand her dilemma if she were an already established doctor, lawyer, whatever because keeping her old name is convenient and maybe even conducive to her continued success. But I'd probably encourage her to just swallow the bullet. I'm a pretty bull headed guy who takes pride in the big "Bronson" designation. I mean, you gotta be serious to roll with us. Know what I mean brah?

 

[Geekchick921]

Looks like Family Guy.

Sad part is it just may be the last one you'll ever get. 🙁

That's definitely Family Guy, I just forget the episode.

 

[futuredrcrawfor]

I have no plans of getting married but if I was to and I already had an MD and a practice I would keep my maiden name. If my husband was adament I would hyphenate it but I want the name that was on my first white coat to stay the whole time.

And the chances of me getting married are scarce- I have been a 100% lets stay single and explore other interest than wasting my time with guys for my whole life

 

[cbrons]

And the chances of me getting married are scarce- I have been a 100% lets stay single and explore other interest than wasting my time with guys for my whole life

You wouldn't happen to be, oh I don't know, a little jaded would you?

 

[Spin]

I took my husband's last name when we got married. I didn't want to part with either my middle or last name though, so I hyphenated my middle name. A bit odd.

I was thinking of doing that too. Nice to know I'm not the only one

 

[mikkey]

Hey, to get back on topic, where I live, women aren't allowed to change their names. Apparently it is too much paperwork. But as we live in the 21st century that is fine with me. Then again, were I live, no one even thinks of getting married, so the question doesn't even arise. I am actually scared of the word "husband"...

 

[Textuality]

I'm keeping my last name just because I find the concept of changing it to be kind of weird. I'm Chinese, and we don't change last names when we get married. lol. My boyfriend's last name is also non-asian, and my first name is actually a male name, which is confusing enough as it is. I feel like changing the last name to his would almost be false advertising on my part 😛 You would totally be expecting a WASP male doctor, as opposed to the small asian female one that would show up.

But yeah. Legally, I'm not changing it (because i also don't want to take the time to do the hassle of changing over passports and licenses and credit cards etc) but outside of work (i.e. PTA, his family functions, parties), I"ll probably just go by Mrs. X just to avoid confusion.

I think it'd be funny if I made him do some chinese marriage traditions, like wearing a big red dress-robe (with a big bow tie on it) to his wedding. Nah, I'm not that mean, heh.

 

[SpartanBlueJay2]

If I ever get married, I will be keeping my name. As others have mentioned here, my name is ethnic, complicated, and unique. It certainly makes finding your publications easier when your last name isn't Smith.

 

[doinmybest5840]

Depends on when I get married. If it's during med school or early in residency, I'll probably use his last name, unless it's awful and/or sounds stupid with my first name. However, if I get married later in residency or once I'm already practicing, I'd probably hyphenate my name legally and use my maiden name or the hyphenated name for consistency.

 

[FootballFan14]

I've already said I would, though I guess I disguised in by going into a rant.

The point I was trying to make is what if a guy told you he loved you and wants to marry you, but he doesn't want to get you an engagement ring because he thinks the tradition is stupid. That decision only lasts a short while before the wedding, sure, but do you think it won't be on your mind the rest of your life?

I'm just trying to give you one guy's perspective. I'm getting married next month so this is a topic of debate with my fiancee and me. Ultimately it comes down to what you and your fiance are comfortable with.

I think you're right it comes down to what every couple is comfortable with. I think a good question in general in adopting a tradition is asking what's the motivation behind it. Why do you want a woman to adopt your name (not asked to specifically you, ArmyBound, but as a question to people in general)? Does it make you feel more loved by her? Does it make it seem like she's more "yours"? Why is it insulting to have her keep her name? In the same vein, why do women want engagement rings? Because its a symbol of status? Because other women might (wrongly) think the fiance is a loser if he doesn't buy one? Bad reasons to follow a tradition as well. However if the woman freely changes her name as a voluntary gift. I think that's a pretty big sign of love, however its also a pretty big gift of love that the man let her keep her name if she wants to. Same thing with the wedding ring. But does a man not want to buy a wedding ring because its expensive or because he would somehow be giving up a piece of his identity if he did so?

 

[Depakote]

In my town, there is a practicing urologist, Dr. Richard (Dick) Tapper, MD.

Alas, I assure you that Abilene's name would be equally humorous in certain professions.

Still, I'd bet she's professional enough to handle it.

EDIT: can't be as bad as grade school must have been.

 

[Aynsl156]

I'm keeping my last name just because I find the concept of changing it to be kind of weird. I'm Chinese, and we don't change last names when we get married. lol. My boyfriend's last name is also non-asian, and my first name is actually a male name, which is confusing enough as it is. I feel like changing the last name to his would almost be false advertising on my part 😛 You would totally be expecting a WASP male doctor, as opposed to the small asian female one that would show up.

But yeah. Legally, I'm not changing it (because i also don't want to take the time to do the hassle of changing over passports and licenses and credit cards etc) but outside of work (i.e. PTA, his family functions, parties), I"ll probably just go by Mrs. X just to avoid confusion.

I think it'd be funny if I made him do some chinese marriage traditions, like wearing a big red dress-robe (with a big bow tie on it) to his wedding. Nah, I'm not that mean, heh.

That's totally my situation too! My mom married a white guy and didn't change her last name. But in China you're not supposed to.

I think I'll keep my maiden name, if only for scholarly reasons.

 

[mountainhare]

In the culture that I hail from, women traditionally keep their "maiden" names for life; it has nothing to do with how much they love their husbands or how deeply they are committed to their marriages or whatever -- It's just what's been done for centuries. Just as dropping one's "maiden" name is the centuries-old norm in many European cultures. So I guess that if I were a traditionalist, I'd keep my last name. Some people have talked about "hurtfulness" on this thread; another factor I would consider is that my dad would probably feel at least a little hurt if I acted like I was in a hurry to chuck his name.

Also, although I take family seriously, I believe that first and foremost I am a human person, not a wife or mother or daughter or doctor or bus-rider or compulsive crossword-player. Therefore, whatever decision I make will be a very individualized decision.

I think the fact that different cultures have different stances on this issue is important to point out, as it implies that whether or not one changes one's name isn't correlated with how loving or committed or traditional-minded one is. What you choose to do with your name is largely a cultural accident. There are plenty of loving, committed, and traditional-minded wives in the culture I'm descended from, but regardless of how loving/committed/traditional-minded they are, none of them change their names. And no matter how loving or committed or traditional-minded my husband turns out to be, he probably won't change his name when he marries me. So, rather than treating the matter of a wife changing her last name as though that were the status quo, and forcing wives who don't change their last names to defend their decision, maybe it should be the other way around. And if you're a guy and your wife changes her name for you, maybe you should view that as the gift that it is rather than taking it for granted. In any case, my basic opinion is that I don't see why some people get so passionate about what other people do with their own names if it doesn't affect you.

 

[LVBBBabe]

I'm getting married next summer (before starting med school) and I will, reluctantly, be changing my name from an incredibly simple and common name to one that is very often mispronounced as "chinball". It's awful, but it means a lot to my fiance. At least I'll be the only "chinball" in town??? 🙁

 

[Textuality]

You know, speaking of the engagement ring analogy, I think it matters more to my bf than to me. I mean, I don't really care for the big diamond ring deal (it looks like it'll snag on things and that'd it be quite heavy/bulky) but he insists on doing it because 1) he's traditional and 2) other people will think he's weird if I don't have a ring. As in, people will probably be more likely to think the guy is too cheap to buy a ring than believe that the girl didn't want one or that it was a mutual decision etc. It's kind of like guys seeing who can buy the nicest car. Haha. And anyways, I think he wants to get me a ring in general so that other people will know I'm taken, which I think is kind of cute. So I'd say that in some ways, the whole engagement ring thing is partly about the guy too.

I like my last name though, I'm used to it at this point! But if his parents/grandparents ever ask, I'm Mrs.X 😛

 

[ThisIsYourLife]

I am traditional and I would take the married name. even if i was already an established doctor.

 

[yellowumbrella]

people always mispronounce my last name, so i look fwd to changing it-- but maybe people will just say my name wrong for the rest of my life. 🙄

 

[centersharpie]

It depends... if I get married before my business cards are made... then yes I will take his name... if not I'm keeping my name... which really means that it doesn't really matter...

 

[ballerinadoctor]

i plan on hyphenating... i want to have my maiden name mostly because i think my parents would keel over and drop dead if the first professional in the family didnt have the family name somewhere... lol
and yet i do want to have the same last name my future husband and children will have, i feel that hyphenating brings me the best of both worlds
i know quite a few docs that have hyphenated names and they get used to writing both pretty quickly, it really doesnt take that long...

and i think my name will sound pretty exotic... Martinez-Orihuela
sounds oretty cool huh!? lol