Pre-Professional Parenting FAQ

[Mumsy]

Q: How can I help/support my child through the college/professional school application process?

A: The first thing you can do for your child is just be there – and listen. That is so important. You want to try to pick up on the subtle clues. Sometimes they are telling you things they don't even know they are. Listening is so important. And then say,"I hear you say such and such," so you are clear on they are telling you. You want to be on the same page. You don't need to agree. You need to understand where they are coming from, and where they want to go.

Your children are old enough to be making their own decisions and if you want to support them, then you need to know what it is they want; not what you want for them. Sometimes they are two different things.

Q: What if my child changes his/her mind?

A: If your child changes his or her mind, let them. Life is too short to pursue a career that they are not interested in. He or she may change their mind back or not, it is their life and they ultimately know what will make them happy.



Q: Is there anything you would have done differently?

A: Oh my gosh, there are so many, I don't think there is enough space. You learn and you go on. I think I was extremely naive when my first child, Depakote, was in high school. Applying to colleges was all new to us. I think we allowed ourselves to be caught up in the hoopla of the "you are one of only 100 to be selected for this program" and didn't look to see that it wasn't a good fit. I blame myself. It was my job to help make sure he went to the right school and I didn't. Okay – still feeling guilty – need to work on it.


Q: I think school X is better for my child, but my child really wants to go to school Y... thoughts?

A: Talk to your child. Make a list of the Pros and Cons of each school. In the end, will it make a
difference which school your child attends? Why? Explain this to your child. If not, the choice should be up to your child. It is okay to give some advice, as long as you understand that they can take it or not.

Q: What role should parents have in paying for college? Professional school?

A: If parents have the desire and the ability to help children pay for college then I think it is a wonderful gift. I was able to provide a portion of my children's college and I am very happy that I was able to. My parents paid for my undergraduate school and it was a gift for which I was forever grateful. The gift of education is the greatest gift one can gift other than life, of course.

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[metalhead1023]

My parents have never pressured me to go into medicine this I think is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I'm choosing my own path and doing exactly what I want to do with my life. I think its important to not tell your children what to do because I don't know if its the teenager in me or what but what ever my mom tells me to do I don't want to. But I want some reinforcement when I start, what I mean is I want my parents to pressure me to do my best but do my best at what ever I want to do. My dad has the best outlook I could imagine he tells me he can't do anything to influence what I do in my life so he doesn't give me chores, a curfew, or positive things like allowance. But, I abide by general rules and for the most part I'm a better kid than 99% of kids that would have the options to do what I could do. I think my dad sees that I am smart enough to make good choices. I think every kid can learn this but does not know this. This is a point I want to stress, I think you can teach your kids to make good choices but you can't make them make good choices. Remember its their life, you do not control their fate but you can push them in the right way.

 

[Mumsy]

Hi Metalhead,

It sounds like you have quite a mature relationship with your parents. They trust you enough not to impose a curfew and they believe you will make the best decision for your future. Why not sit down with them and have a mature discussion about what you need from them? Tell them that in order for you to do well, you need for them to push you a bit - I don't think you really want pressure, but maybe telling you what you need to hear.

Sometimes we don't make the best choices. That is when a parent can point out to us that perhaps staying home the night before a test, would be wiser than going to that really great party. You don't want to hear it, but it is really good advise. To get into Med School means making the tough choices, tell them you are willing to that and you want their help to get there.

Good luck!

Mumsy

 

[cdmccart]

My parents have always said "we support you" and "you can do whatever you want to do" and things of the sort. But at the same time, they sometimes make subtle suggestions that say "we don't think you can do it". They've known for the last 3 years that I want to go to medical school, but they continue to suggest other, easier, career paths. My mom has suggested ICU nurse, radiology tech, and ER nurse... none of which I have any interest in pursuing. I don't think they mean to do this, I just think my parents are afraid that I won't get into med school and don't want to see me fail. I think it's critical that if you say you believe in your son or daughter, that you actually do believe in them. Don't question their abilities or determination... just stand behind them and support them in any way that you can.

 

[Mumsy]

My parents have always said "we support you" and "you can do whatever you want to do" and things of the sort. But at the same time, they sometimes make subtle suggestions that say "we don't think you can do it". They've known for the last 3 years that I want to go to medical school, but they continue to suggest other, easier, career paths. My mom has suggested ICU nurse, radiology tech, and ER nurse... none of which I have any interest in pursuing. I don't think they mean to do this, I just think my parents are afraid that I won't get into med school and don't want to see me fail. I think it's critical that if you say you believe in your son or daughter, that you actually do believe in them. Don't question their abilities or determination... just stand behind them and support them in any way that you can.

cdmccart,

It is difficult when you don't feel you are receiving full support from your parents. I know my own son, Depakote, has had to deal with this issue with his father. Even after getting into Medical School, his father occasionally questions whether he is up to the challenge. First thing, have faith in yourself.

Also, sometimes people don't realize that they are sending those messages. You might tell your parents that Medical School is your dream and that is your plan no matter what. If it takes more than one year, you are still committed. You are not interested in becoming an ICU Nurse, ER Nurse or a Rad Tech. It would mean a lot to you if they would support your dream and not try to persuade you to change your mind.

My guess is they don't even realize they are doing it. Parents try so hard to protect their children. But if you bring it to their attention, they will probably make every effort to make positive statements to support you. Ultimately, I bet they just want your happiness.

Good Luck!!

Mumsy

 

[JamminMedPeds]

Mumsy,

What a fantastic and splendid parody this is... or is it?

I can share a look at this from another perspective. I have watched with some amazement probably a dozen or more of my med school classmates just QUIT for reasons other than academics. The first one, the Monday after orientation, the FIRST DAY of school, provides an illustrative case study.

It is interesting and sadly ironic, The final day of orientation is culminated by a "white coat" ceremony, which is videotaped. Before the ceremony began the camera crew wandered around the isles interviewing "proud parents"...

In the first brief interview, the student is sitting on the isle, next is the proud mother and in the third seat in is the proud father, as the camera crew pans in, proud father reaches OVER proud mother and medical student to grab the "Oprah mike". One should appreciate the body language, the student is sitting, facing forward, arms crossed and does not LOOK at the camera (indeed until proud dad refers to him he could be a stranger who happened to be sitting there). Proud father is indeed obviously thrilled, proud mother is likewise beaming from ear to ear! The following is a direct quote, I played the DVD over and over to get it just right (I have changed the names).

"Hi, I am Bob Miller, my son Tom is going through the white coat ceremony today, we are just so excited for him and so proud of him for.. um accomplishing this and getting to this point in his career something he has looked forward to and has prepared for for many many years".

THIS was the guy who QUIT the following Monday. One must ask the question, what level of commitment did "Tommy" actually have?

Nope, I think those truly committed to medicine will find a way to succeed with or without parents saying the right or wrong thing!

 

[femmes07]

I'm so glad that my parents were very supportive that they have given me everything during my college days, that they had not pushed me to any course, and now i'm happy with what i've become and hope to do the same thing with my daughter, support her with her studies is the best way i think to achieve her goals...

 

[ucsfstudents]

- Tell them how wonderful they are and that they can do whatever they put their mind to
- Listen to them as they complain about school, relationships, etc.
- Resist the temptation to be overpowering or to heavily direct their education. They might end up being resentful or not doing well
- Encourage them to get as much financial aid as possible so that they either don't have to work, or have to work less than 10 hours a week.
- Encourage them to apply for scholarships. Winning them will boost their ego, not winning will make them stronger applicants for future scholarships because it gives them practice
- Know that they will make mistakes and make the wrong decision from time to time. Try to let them figure it out themselves while guiding them with gentle pushes and providing them with multiple solutions and choices. However, be firm when things are not going well
- Encourage volunteering, helping people in need, empathy, etc.
- There is so much to say but I'll stop here.

Good luck!

 

[MidwestPhD]

If your parents are sending messages saying that they don't think you can succeed in medicine, then I would make the following suggestions:

Have you given any indication (e.g. low to average grades in high school, shirking responsibilities at home, getting into trouble, ...) that might have given them that idea?

If so, change your behavior now and start working and behaving like a future professional health care provider.

If not, resolve to prove them wrong!!

 

[tennisball80]

If so, change your behavior now and start working and behaving like a future professional health care provider.