Problems with friends who have no plan for next year?

[pinklvr1014]

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This is more of a personal problem but I have been having some problems with some of my best friends recently. We had a little arguement about something really trivial that one of my friends blew into a huge deal. I had been feeling some resentment about the fact that I got accepted into med school and was starting in just a few months from this friend for awhile as she would make snotty comments about how i need to not complain about loans and quit being lazy and get a full time job in school (which is ridiculous on its own, yes). But she then admitted more or less that she resents me because im doing what she can't (as she is convinced she will never get into med school b/c of her gpa).

I feel like there is an awkward line with a lot of people, as a lot of friends and other seniors at my undergrad (Im still in school) do not have plans for next year. I don't want to be braggy about my situation and have it ruin friendships, but I don't think it is fair not be able to ever talk about it either or to pretend it isn't happening. Plus, it isn't my fault that they don't have plans...

Anyone going through simular situations? Anyone have some advice? Maybe I'll feel better if Im not the only one going through it...envy, jealousy and resentment aren't really great for friendships...how do you get people to put those aside?

 

[Cheshyre]

I'm sure everybody has had this happen to them. Either you're the successful one who now has friends who got cut in the process of applying to graduate schools/jobs, or, you're the one on the bottom, watching your friends climb the ladders. Life is competitive, emotions flare, things get awkward.

This, to me, is a great opportunity to show everybody that you're an adult who can handle interpersonal conflict. In reading your situation, I think both you and your friend have been a little insensitive towards each other. Is that unexpected? No. Most of us have no idea what 200K even looks like, yet we're taking that debt burden on our shoulders. On the other hand, realizing for the first time that medical school, a goal you've worked towards for years, is now near unattainable is heartbreaking. Try to be a little more careful in your speech. Perhaps, quite simply, it's too early to bring up your medical school fears with this particular friend.

In any case, it sounds like they need some support too. Realize now that you're the successful one. To me, this is the territory that comes with it. You're the so-called 'victim of success.' If you care about your friend, you'll be there for them. I'm not saying that you need to pay for them to take a Kaplan class or give them all of your waking hours to tutor them, but maybe they just need somebody to listen instead of talk, give instead of take.

 

[Poliphilo]

If they are not happy for you and are resentful about your success, they don't really sound like a good friend. You will make new ones in med school.

 

[starburstsbabe]

I am also in that same position. I'm getting to the point where the only place I can talk about this fall is on SDN and facebook groups.

 

[NerdyAndrea]

First off congratulations on med school.

Secondly....I am in a sort of similar situation. I have a roomie who is in the nursing program. She is graduating with her BSN. We have a great nursing program here. I am in the pre-med program. She made the comment to me that she had wanted to be in the pre-med program.

I thought everything was fine. She's been really confrontational, and quite rude. she's cussed at me for no particular reason, left nasty notes and been quite unpleasant in general. She is in that last stretch with lots of testing, but I've been completely nice to everyone. I can only figure that she's angry at me for going after med school.

She came in one day announcing she was crabby and going to be taking it out on people. So far I have been the focal point, and I believe it has to do with her pre-med comment.

I spend a lot of time in the library, my bedroom, and in other campus areas. I don't speak with her unless she says hello to me. I say hi back and act pleasant. I don't seek her out though. Confrontation of any kind is an emotonal drain, and not worth i when you're putting all your energy into your school work and making sure you'r getting everything done. I'd let you best friend alone, obviously she isn't believing in herself, and you don't need snide remarks. You've underwent a lot probbly for pre-med and now you'll ndergo a lot with med school. Let her be. It's not worth the anguish.

 

[xxAtreusxx]

I agree with cheshyre completely. Just give it some time and put yourself in their shoes now and again.

 

[pinklvr1014]

Thanks, everyone. Im glad to know i'm not alone.

I guess why it came as a surprise to me is that she hasn't planned on going to med school for several years now and hasn't really talked about still wanting to go to me ever...she had other plans about going through a different program within a year or two. So I guess i didnt give it two thoughts talking about going next year as I am thrilled to be going..so i probably don't realize how much i talk about it. I will have to watch that i guess.

But I have found that it is definitely a touchy subject with a lot of people, especially since a lot of people are ending up going back home next year because of the economy. I just have to be grateful for what I have. I know that if I didn't have something to do next year I'd probably be a little touchy about it..maybe not by lashing out and placing blame on my friends..but I guess we all handle things differently.

I didn't want the end of my college to be so tense..but i guess im just going to look forward to the future 🙂

Plus, i feel like being a doctor in general will cause simular resentment for our entire lives/careers for people that didn't do what they wanted to do...i guess its just something to get used to and something to learn how to deal with.

 

[NerdyAndrea]

Pinkylvr,

No matter what field you are in there will always be someone that is jealous. Some think youdon't study or do work, and it was easy for you, others are just plain jealous of a particular lifestyle they perceive, and some well....you just never know what some are thinking.

I am still going to roomies graduation and cheering her on. I frankly do nt care what people do, I just love seeing positive success of any kind. I know that with her the jealousy too shall pass.

Your friend will be okay soon I have no doubt of that. Tell her that you love her, and you hope that she realizes soon she has the ability to accomplish anything she dreams of. It's what I plan ontelling roomie on the night of her pinning, and then on the night they give her a degree.

Avoidance is more for me to make sure I am not angry with her for two wonderful successes in her life, and I can show her the same love an care I have throughout living with her.

Andrea

 

[Postal]

Agree with cheshyre. True friends should be happy for you, but as human nature goes...they will be jealous of you too. Personally, it was a touchy subject for me because I couldn't go to medschool straight out of college. My more successful friends in med school don't bring up med school every 10 min. so that really helps. I say that as long as you talk to different people about your med school plans and not that one person, friendship should be fine. And *don't* ask your less sucessful friends what their plans are after graduation.avoid that topic at all costs

 

[creativename]

Agree with cheshyre. True friends should be happy for you, but as human nature goes...they will be jealous of you too. Personally, it was a touchy subject for me because I couldn't go to medschool straight out of college. My more successful friends in med school don't bring up med school every 10 min. so that really helps. I say that as long as you talk to different people about your med school plans and not that one person, friendship should be fine. And *don't* ask your less sucessful friends what their plans are after graduation.avoid that topic at all costs

Oh wow, great topic guys. For starters, I am with cheshyre on this as well. It's a delicate give/take dynamic and tends to breakdown when either side isn't given adequate consideration. But at the same rate you MUST BY NO MEANS ask what is going on in their lives. "So what about you man? Here I've been gloating about how I can't stand all the time I'm spending learning clinical procedures, things you only wish you could do and I haven't asked once how worthless your life must feel not being me." Also, Postal is imparting timeless advice for saving friendships. Seriously, I speak from experience as being the rejected premed for 5 years with all my friends moving forward to receive their MD's while I was stuck feeling left behind. If they want to tell you about their mediocre to banal career endeavors then trust me they'll happily shift the conversation in that direction. Odds are they are unsatisfied with the job, if any, they were able to land as a pre-med major.

The most important thing you can do is to spend your non-medical downtime with them. Above all else do not complain about the hardships of your situation. It's very insensitive and I would liken it to complaining about your feet aching to a paraplegic. It'll either get awkward or if your friend is polite they will simply not respond but if your friend is the kind of person that would take a bullet for you they'll actually listen and somehow without sarcasm they'll give you encouragement. With my friends, I would always strive for the latter but sometimes with limited success. And if the friend would incessantly engage in "dream-deprecation" I would resort to telling them they were ungrateful, undeserving and even taking a page from the father in Walk Hard the Dewey Cox Story by declaring the wrong guy got accepted. If it was their dream to be a physician and you're attitude shifts into the negative about it then it's best to save the crybaby griping moments for fellow med students, otherwise you're likely to get a face full of steaming hot stfu gth.

 

[Cybii]

This is more of a personal problem but I have been having some problems with some of my best friends recently. We had a little arguement about something really trivial that one of my friends blew into a huge deal. I had been feeling some resentment about the fact that I got accepted into med school and was starting in just a few months from this friend for awhile as she would make snotty comments about how i need to not complain about loans and quit being lazy and get a full time job in school (which is ridiculous on its own, yes). But she then admitted more or less that she resents me because im doing what she can't (as she is convinced she will never get into med school b/c of her gpa).

I feel like there is an awkward line with a lot of people, as a lot of friends and other seniors at my undergrad (Im still in school) do not have plans for next year. I don't want to be braggy about my situation and have it ruin friendships, but I don't think it is fair not be able to ever talk about it either or to pretend it isn't happening. Plus, it isn't my fault that they don't have plans...

A similar thing happened with someone I thought was a friend of mine. She completely overreacted to something I said and so we sat and talked it out, I thought everything was fine between us... Med school applications talk came up and I told her where I was accepted, where I was interviewed at, where I was rejected, etc... I asked her how her application cycle was going and with a blank face she said "Fine." Sooo, I assumed things weren't going fine since she didn't tell me anything. We switched the subject and talked about other things for a while, but I noticed she wasn't in a good mood so then I hugged her and went home. Next day I found out she doesn't consider me a friend anymore since "I am a mean, coldhearted person." 🙄 Right.



I have friends who are truly happy for other's accomplishments, even though they might be going through a rough time in their lives. So I say if people resent you for your success, then drop them from your life. There is a difference between being braggy and such (which would justify people being angry at you), but I don't think there is anything wrong with telling people you think are important in your life what's going on.

 

[phEight]

I know one thing... if people want something bad enough they go after it. I've noticed the people who bust their ass and do whatever it takes (in a non-gunner way) to accomplish their goals are usually the ones who won't resent someone for accomplishing something they may not reach. I don't intend to use myself as an example or anything but my chances have been slim to none for acceptance... my GPA was less than a 2.0 at the end of my 2nd year in college and even after fixing many of my issues and doing better I'm barely going to scratch the surface of a 3.0 on my 5th year. I probably won't even get that, even though I've improved tremendously. But not once have I, or could I resent someone else for having a solid GPA and getting into medical school. I'm never going to make it to a top medical school but I know some who want to only make it into the top 10... that might be a little snobbish but I truly wish them success nonetheless. I'll have known they worked hard for what they wanted... the acceptance didn't just fall out of the sky. It says a lot about a person and what sort of things they value when people resent someone else's success. Even if someone got accepted cause their daddy donated $millions.. there's no need to resent them for it. Life is too short for all that mess.

I agree that being considerate is a good thing... it's not very friend like to 'brag' about getting into medical school... but there's a very clear cut difference in those who brag and those who simply are sharing an important exciting piece of their life. If any of my friends resented me for getting into medical school I simply wouldn't bring it up in front of them... but I know most will congratulate me because they see that it didn't come easy.

Some people are just very selffish... best to let them be. Chances are they werent exactly the greatest friend.

 

[Earl Grey]

Wow, if they are going to be so selfish at least do it right (a.k.a be behind you all through medical school, brag about it to all their friends, keep in contact and then mooch off of you once you get a job).

 

[Mohammed1989]

Well I learned it the hard way that friends come and go. Since the 7th grade I stayed with the same group of friends and I am the only one busting my butt to make my dream a reality. Some of them are just worried about making money and school is a joke to them, they just attend part time at a local cc so they can see "yeah we go to college". Others are too busy trying to impress the "ladies" by drinking, partying all night and gambling at the local hookah bar. These friends I stay away from because they just seem to drag you down with them.

The only friend I do keep contact with is a nice, hard working person who is working full time to save up for his papers(citizenship). He has plans to go to college and become a engineer, so he studies physics and etc. Now are all you friends perfect? No, my friend is a pot smoker but has set his goals and is working towards them.

About the bragging part, well I've been down that road. My cousin is in the islands, he feels he's superior because he's in med school and I'm here trying to get in. He's in one of those straight our of high school med schools. People will always try to put others down and the best thing to do is avoid it. If you do however accidently put someone down, it is best to apologize and have a clear understanding of the situation.

The last thing you want is someone angry at you for trying to make something of yourself. Also no one likes a show off 🙂

 

[tncekm]

Get used to some people resenting you for your success. It's a nasty little human proclivity, but it's part of life.

 

[pinklvr1014]

Yeah, I think the main problem is that to someone who has no plans anyone talking at all about their own plans is seen as "bragging" to them. I'm typically never a braggy person..i hate talking with people about my grades, or gpa in general, or MCAT scores, etc. I think it is annoying when people do. So I was definitely not intending on sounding "braggy" or conceited, rather I was just talking about a huge thing that is happening in my life.

But I have worked my ass off to get to this point..and I agree that if someone can't be happy for me then we are always going to have some sort of tension whether I talk to them about it or not. Not talking about it doesn't change the fact that I'm still going to be in med school shortly..and they will be trying to find a job and living at home. I guess that if they can't overcome their own issues with their life decisions that got them to that point it will be hard to keep being friends w/out awkward tension and resentment.

I guess it happens..people grow apart. Sometimes it is just hard to watch happen. 🙁

 

[tncekm]

Yeah, I think the main problem is that to someone who has no plans anyone talking at all about their own plans is seen as "bragging" to them.

Perspective is a funny thing.

 

[creativename]

I have friends who are truly happy for other's accomplishments, even though they might be going through a rough time in their lives. So I say if people resent you for your success, then drop them from your life. There is a difference between being braggy and such (which would justify people being angry at you), but I don't think there is anything wrong with telling people you think are important in your life what's going on.

Everyone here that feels their friends are being a*holes, just give them time and they'll come around. Their jealousy will subside. Your friends may be realizing that your paths are diverging somewhat and that can cause problems in itself. Just be patient and don't talk about your wonderful life with them unless you want to sabotage your friendship. It's just that simple. Don't bring it up again around them and everything will work itself out. Friends with similar dreams would be wise to keep their prowess in competitive matters to themselves. It applies to a wide spectrum of careers besides medicine. You're not colleagues anymore. You just got the promotion and your friend just got stiffed. Your accomplishment is not a topic up for discussion over beers. It's not a matter of narcissism so much as a favor for your friend. Don't rub salt in their wounds.

 

[o Farside o]

I went through a similar situation with someone who I held in high regards. We were both pre-med and this past summer we prepped to take the MCAT. I studied 4 books and took 10 practice exams and ended up rocking the thing. He half-acetaled it by studying one book he bought at a garage sale for 50 cents. The book was dated for 2001. Needless to say, he did not fare well. When he spoke to me about it, I tried my hardest to console him but what was I to do? Eventually I said "maybe you shouldnt study from a 50 cent review book next time." He flipped out on me and told me I was conceited and an inconsiderate friend. Sometimes these situations cant be helped? Either way, we are not close friends anymore and I just realized as people have said in earlier posts, true friends do not put you in those situations and resent you for your success.