Professional Etiquette Question: Bridge Burned?

[Wildcat06]

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OK, so this is more of a professional etiquette problem, but since it's loosely related to the application process (and since y'all are so good at giving advice) I figured I'd post here. Any suggestions are MUCH appreciated.

So one of my recommenders for grad school was a private practice psychologist who I've worked for on and off for the last 4 years. We had a generally good work relationship for most of that time. However, it seemed that my applying to grad school caused a lot of resentment. He kept making sideways comments about how I wasn't going to get in, because no one gets in to clinical programs unless they are related to a faculty member. Basically he was saying that since he didn't get in (his degree is in school psych) that I shouldn't expect to either.

I tried to keep working for him as often as I could during the application process because I knew he needed the help. But between my full time job, applications, GRE studying, etc. there wasn't much time left over. And then when I found out I was going to have 8 interviews in 5 weeks, I told him that I would not be able to make it in at all in the months of February and March. That also seemed to irritate him, and that was the last conversation we had.

Toward the end of March when I made my final decision about what program to attend, I sent him an email informing him of my decison and thanking him (profusely) once again for his support. (And for some background, I got into a way better program than either of us probably imagined). I never heard back from that email. And I know he has had problems receiving emails in the past, but the fact that I still haven't heard from him at all (he used to call weekly) makes me wonder...

What should my next move be? How do I attempt to maintain/repair this professional relationship or is it too late? 😕

Thanks a ton in advance.

 

[KillerDiller]

That's a tough one due to not knowing whether or not this professor even received your email. One thought that comes to mind is that you could mail a formal thank-you card saying the same thing as your email. That way you could be assured he received at least some word of your acceptance and future plans. At that point, the ball would be completely in his court.

 

[Wildcat06]

Thanks Killer! I think I'll do that. 🙂

 

[Cosmo75]

What struck me about your post is that it's a shame that if the bridge is burned, because the reason for it happening (i.e. his ego being bruised) is rather disappointing.

 

[Wildcat06]

yeah. i'm really hoping that's not the reason, but it certainly feels that way. but if it is, the relationship hardly seems worth saving.

we'll see what happens next...

 

[psychmama]

yeah. i'm really hoping that's not the reason, but it certainly feels that way. but if it is, the relationship hardly seems worth saving.

we'll see what happens next...

I really like Killer Diller's idea...and I agree with others who suspect your mentor's wounded ego is at work in this process. I'm sorry this has happened. Let's hope he just didn't get the email.

 

[BamaPsych]

I know I shouldn't be so naive, but it still manages to shock me when I hear of this kind of behavior in our field. Granted, based on your post he still may not have gotten your email at all in which case I'm making assumptions...


But there are undoubtedly these types of personalities that emerge in our field. But hey, I guess doctors get cancer, mechanics' cars break down, and dentists get cavities. Maybe I should be a little more realistic!

 

[Wildcat06]

Yeah, I think that's the reason the situation got under my skin. I'm basically starting out in this field and really hate to imagine that I will run into more people like this along the way.

 

[LovinPsych]

Yea I like killer's idea too , you should try it out . I'm sorry things have gone the way they have but everyone's right it sounds more like a bruised ego . That's something he needs to deal with in all honesty , I mean it's not your fault . if anything he should be happy for you trying something he didn't succeed but that's how I see it .

I know I shouldn't be so naive, but it still manages to shock me when I hear of this kind of behavior in our field. Granted, based on your post he still may not have gotten your email at all in which case I'm making assumptions...


But there are undoubtedly these types of personalities that emerge in our field. But hey, I guess doctors get cancer, mechanics' cars break down, and dentists get cavities. Maybe I should be a little more realistic!

All honesty I was thinking the exact samething , I often do cause I see alot of psychologists act in a way I am shocked . But you know agreeing with you , I guess I should be more realstic as well .😉

I just figured because we are trained the way we are , we should cope better, I guess I am wrong... 😕

 

[Wildcat06]

Update: I took Killer Diller's advice and sent a card to my former supervisor. He just sent me an email saying he had gotten my card and email (why no response before?) 😕

But he congratulated me and was very nice. He also offered for me to come back and help out (not sure if I have the energy so we'll see).

Thanks a TON for the advice. I think it was just what I needed to smooth things over 🙂

 

[futureapppsy2]

Update: I took Killer Diller's advice and sent a card to my former supervisor. He just sent me an email saying he had gotten my card and email (why no response before?) 😕

But he congratulated me and was very nice. He also offered for me to come back and help out (not sure if I have the energy so we'll see).

Thanks a TON for the advice. I think it was just what I needed to smooth things over 🙂

Pehaps he was on vacation or just very busy? At times, I won't hear from my PI for days when she has a lot of deadlines coming upp--heck, when we were on the wire with our grant application, she ignored calls from her husband!

Glad everything worked out, though. 🙂