Firstly, it might be better not to have your essay publicly posted. I would probably PM it to people who agreed to read it for you. You may not get the help you are looking for if you only have a short time window.
Secondly, what is this for? Is this your PTCAS essay or is it a supplemental essay for a specific school?
Thirdly, when you refer to yourself as "I" in English writing, "I" must always be capitalized.
Fourthly, I wouldn't use peoples' names in your essay, even if it is just their first names. In one case you mentioned a therapist by name and the hospital he works at. That is not good. You also mentioned a patient by first name, the hospital he was admitted to and the condition he was admitted for. At best that is totally clueless, and at worst possibly illegal. It's almost certainly a violation of the policies of the hospital at which you interned.
Finally, this has a lot of basic spelling and grammar mistakes and some blatant typos. You need to go through it and fix the obvious stuff. And overall this is honestly not college level writing and would need a lot more work to get it up to snuff.
If this is for PTCAS however, it is on the wrong topic and would need to be just be thrown out entirely. So please let me know what this essay is for. Maybe we can help you rescue this situation.
