Question re: burnout and finishing my program

[Peritus_Medicus]

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Hey - G2 MSTP student here. I'm in a tough spot emotionally. I joined a immunology lab for my thesis work that relies on a very technical mouse model. I am 20 months into grad work, and just starting to figure things out. Ever since joining, I have felt this fear/dread of failing out of the program (2 out of the 8 in my cohort are already gone). My data is crap, and I just got called out (rightly) in my lab for not being honest enough about how crappy my data is. My PI (big name) is essentially never seen, and my sub-mentors never respond to what I send them. There are good people in the lab, but I am wondering whether it is worth finishing my PhD or throwing in the towel. I feel miserable, and alone, and like I am just trying to find a foothold while slipping down a cliff.
At the same time, I have seen some wins. Last week, I found out that I won an F30. I have won some other awards, but only 1 review paper published.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Neuronix]

The F30 is a really big deal! Congratulations!

It's not uncommon to feel lost in a laboratory the first year or two. Some of the details may be better for a local advisor to help you with. They will typically know your lab or at least have heard of it, and then have strategies. Is there someone in your MSTP that you can talk to?

A lot of the PhD does have to do with independence and dealing with criticism. A physician-scientist career is full of this kind of stuff. A thick skin is necessary. Big name PI labs can be a challenge. People join them because they want to get high impact papers and the big name PI clout, but the mentor and mentorship are often lacking. They are notorious for putting multiple people on the same project and seeing who wins, requiring publications only in top-tier journals that can really take a long time, and just expecting their PhDs and post-docs to work very hard and "sink or swim". This is a generalization, but is a generalization for a reason.

So you have to decide if this is a place you can swim in. Sometimes taking a little time to reflect is helpful. Maybe it's just burnout that you can push through. You can consider working on a different project or a different lab. You may be in these situations again in the future, and you have to decide if being an MD/PhD with and within a prestigious program is worth these sorts of setbacks and difficulties. Many people have been in this position in the past, and the fact that you are in the position you are in means you have the potential to get through the program if you want to keep pushing for it.

 

[SurfingDoctor]

F grants were always a big deal but in today’s climate… getting a F award is HUGE!

Congrats!

 

[eteshoe]

Congrats on the F award!

Don't be afraid to change labs if need be. I was in a similar situation to you and ended up switching labs after my first year of grad school. I had a supportive mentor in the new lab and didn't realize just how stressed I'd been in my first lab and how close I came to quitting science.

 

[Peritus_Medicus]

Thank you all for your feedback - working with my program to look into changing labs