really need some advice

[Cartman80]

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I have a problem and I wanted to hear the opinions of other pre-meds who may be my classmates next year. I am gay (recently came out to a few friends, family) and I am wondering what to do about medical school. I didn't mention it on the applications and probably won't during the interviews, (partly because it wasn't really an issue for me in choosing medicine, and partly because I don't want it to work against me in admissions). But I think it would just be easier to be "out" at med school because it's going to be hard enough to be studying medicine without the added stress of lying to my roommates and friends. The problem is, I'm not really into a lot of the stereotypical "gay scene" stuff. I have great respect for people who are, but it's just not me. I like to play basketball, watch football, hate musicals, and can't dance to save my life. I'm pretty laid back too. This is not meant to put down gay people who are into that kind of stuff, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. But I'm worried that if I do come out, then being the person I am, I will be shunned by both the straight guys who are uncomfortable being around me and the gay guys who think I am betraying them.

I guess I'm asking the straight guys, would it make you uncomfortable to have a gay roommate?

And to the gay guys, would you be less friendly to someone who just doesn't share a lot of stereotypical gay interests?

Sorry if I come off as neurotic, this is a really tough time for me right now between applying to med school and dealing with all this stuff. I appreciate any honest answers.

 

[Fermata]

There are some posters here that have gone through what you are going through.

I'm sure they'll post about it. Relax.

 

[Rugger81]

Hey man, I choose my friends based on the kind of person they are and their sense of humor. If you can watch a Jets game with me and rip on the Red Sox, then you can be my friend (or roommate). I don't care if you're gay or not.

 

[OmahaMX80]

I hear you. I'm gay, but not into the stereotypical stuff. I don't think you'll be shunned. The fact of the matter is anyone going to medical school has some very challenging times ahead. Whether you like musicals or not, or like to dance, or like to watch football, I don't think you're not going to have loads of time to do those things. What I think you will be doing (spending late hours with a cadaver and studying your @$$ off) is the same as what everyone else will be doing, gay or not. I'm not really worried about it, myself. As far as straight guys... that just depends. I've never really been shunned by my straight friends. A lot of it depends on if they've had gay friends before. I think a straight guy (or girl) who's never met someone who is openly gay might be uncertain at first, simply because it's human to be uncertain/afraid of what you don't understand or don't have any experience of. But by and large everyone I've ever told has been super cool about it. It's only the thick-headed closed-minded types that have issues with it, and they have issues with a lot of things, not just gay people. I frankly don't concern myself with what those kind of people think because it's not worth my time.

I know a couple of other gay students at other medical schools and they've done fine... there will always be some idiots but like I said above, by and large people have been receptive and cool about it.

 

[synapse lapse]

I think that medical school is filled (for teh most part) with intelligent people that are not overtly biggoted. While there may still be some people that discriminate based on sexual orientation, hopefully your classmates will be respectfull to you. I can say that unfortunately the real world is not idealistic, and it is going to be harder for you than for other people. if this is a fight you want to make, and you are proud of who you are, I reccomend coming out. If you don't think it is going to be better for you, than don't. There are a lot of the older generation still unconfortable with gays (just look at the fact that many want to prohibit gay marriage in the constitution, it disgusts me that in this country people could even consider such an atrocious and biggoted act). Anyhow, being gay is part of you. I am straight and have gay friends, and i would not mind living with a gay guy, but I think for many they would have to be very confortable with their own sexuality to do so. I am an atheist, something I am reluctant to reveal as there is also a stigma against atheists by the religious majority. I have decided that that is part of me, however, so if I am ever asked about it I revel it (although I calim agnosticism in some instances where it may seriously hinder me.) Good luck to you, I hope it all works out.

 

[OmahaMX80]

Oh yeah, I didn't really note it on my applications or bring it up at interviews either. Honestly that's something I still struggle with. A part of me feels like I sold out, not being open about it throughout the application process. Another part of me feels like it really doesn't have anything to do with wanting to be a doctor and I shouldn't let it upstage my other credentials. I don't know, I still go back and forth in my head about it.

 

[MsEvolution]

Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry!

In regarsds to your peers: In general, people called to this profession are humanists. As mentioned above, they're also intelligent.

In terms of the adcoms: Sexual preferences or practices are irrelevant to your app, so don't feel for a minute that this is something you should disclose. This is private.

Heck, **I'LL** be your roommate!

Good luck and don't let this wear on you anymore! What's going to make you a great doctor has nothing to do with what you prefer behind your closed bedroom door.

 

[MsEvolution]

I think that medical school is filled (for teh most part) with intelligent people that are not overtly biggoted. While there may still be some people that discriminate based on sexual orientation, hopefully your classmates will be respectfull to you. I can say that unfortunately the real world is not idealistic, and it is going to be harder for you than for other people. if this is a fight you want to make, and you are proud of who you are, I reccomend coming out. If you don't think it is going to be better for you, than don't. There are a lot of the older generation still unconfortable with gays (just look at the fact that many want to prohibit gay marriage in the constitution, it disgusts me that in this country people could even consider such an atrocious and biggoted act). Anyhow, being gay is part of you. I am straight and have gay friends, and i would not mind living with a gay guy, but I think for many they would have to be very confortable with their own sexuality to do so. I am an atheist, something I am reluctant to reveal as there is also a stigma against atheists by the religious majority. I have decided that that is part of me, however, so if I am ever asked about it I revel it (although I calim agnosticism in some instances where it may seriously hinder me.) Good luck to you, I hope it all works out.

Agreed, agreed, and agreed. Alex, I'm also an atheist and I know exactly what you mean. I don't advertise it (save for my Darwin fishy on my car 😉 ) because I find some people take strong offense to it. I respect other people's beliefs and I wish the same were true of everyone... but it's foolish to expect that, so I err on the side of caution.

 

[OmahaMX80]

I hear you guys about religion. 🙂 I was raised Catholic... went to Catholic grade school, high school, and college... and now I'm at least agnostic, at most I am an athiest. The people I hang with don't care about any of that stuff but when I am around someone who does, they usually choose sexuality as the issue to jump on, and leave religion for another day. *shrugs* Whoever knew there was a pecking order for bigots.

 

[Cartman80]

Thanks for your responses. I guess I am just looking to see that I am not the first one to go through this. I mean, I know other people have dealt with this, but it's really hard when you have to confront this stuff yourself. I just don't want my life to change that much. I've always felt more comfortable hanging out with guys (non-sexually), and I just want to be treated the same as everyone else.

I really hope what you all said about people in medicine being more humanist and open is true. It would be great to meet some really cool people in med school who don't give a crap about whether or not I'm gay and don't feel uncomfortable around me.

 

[Cartman80]

Anyone else have any advice?

 

[DrThom]

Hey man, I choose my friends based on the kind of person they are and their sense of humor. If you can watch a Jets game with me and rip on the Red Sox, then you can be my friend (or roommate). I don't care if you're gay or not.

I'll echo this....except replace Jets with Rams and Red Sox with Cubs

 

[Stewie87]

cartman, i would room with you if you were a cool person. im more concerned with how considerate my roommate is to others, not so much his sexuality.

 

[LoneCoyote]

Believe me, you are not the first one to go through this. You may or may not have other gay and lesbian classmates depending on where you go to school. I have spoken to many gay and lesbian med students and no one really has had any major problems that I have heard of. Sure, some people may not be very cool with it, but they probably will keep that opinion to themselves. And you may be the first gay person that some of your classmates have met, so that is something to just be aware of.

As for the gay community shunning you, I really wouldn't worry to much about that. I am a lesbian and not into the lesbian "scene" really, and I have never had a problem connecting with people, gay or straight. I have gay male friends who have a wide range of interests and they seem to do just fine with other guys. gay and straight. Roommates can be tough sometimes. I had one real nightmare experience in undergrad, but I know that being up front about who I am in the beginning of that situation made it easier in the long run. I would also hope that by the time people are going to med school they are a bit more experienced with dealing with people different from themselves than they are when they start undergrad.

I was out in my interviews because I wrote about coming out and some of my experiences in GLBT organizations on my secondaries. As far as I can see, it did not hurt me in any way. But if it is not relevant to your admissions I would not feel guilty or wrong about not mentioning it.

Hope that helps and you're not neurotic. I was very concerned about this when I was in your place in the process last year.

 

[Mr. Rosewater]

if i was gay, i wouldn't put it in my app. simply b/c i feel that except in the rarest cases, it's completely irrelevant to whether u could be a doc or not. as to classmates, i'd probably be open. if you just tell a few pple, it'll get around on its own. then, the pple who are cool w/ gays will be cool w/ you and the pple that would give you problems will prolly just stay away from you.

in general, i think there's some strange compulsion for premeds to bare their souls to adcoms. i really don't think that's necessary. i treated this whole process like a job interview or any other professional endeavor. i

 

[Cartman80]

if i was gay, i wouldn't put it in my app. simply b/c i feel that except in the rarest cases, it's completely irrelevant to whether u could be a doc or not. as to classmates, i'd probably be open. if you just tell a few pple, it'll get around on its own. then, the pple who are cool w/ gays will be cool w/ you and the pple that would give you problems will prolly just stay away from you.

in general, i think there's some strange compulsion for premeds to bare their souls to adcoms. i really don't think that's necessary. i treated this whole process like a job interview or any other professional endeavor. i

the application isn't even an issue with me. i'm definitely not mentioning it. i was more curious about life at medical school. but you're probably right about people not cool with it just avoiding me. which is really not cool, but what can you do.

 

[runner1979]

There are many others in similar circumstances than you think. I just think it important to remember that you will be studying medicine as a future doctor...who just happens to be gay. It's only one part of who you actually are. I am pretty confindent that you will find other students to be supportive of you (or not) because of your merits as a person and not solely on your sexuality. You won't get along with every one you meet--you are just going to have to realize that its probably not becuase you are gay, but becuase you just have varied interests. You will be studying amongst peers who are smart, compassionate, and future professionals. If they are unable to be professional in regards to your personal life while at school than I would seriously question their ability to be professional in their future practices.

While the coming out process is difficult--it is empowering. Your friendships will be validated because you finally know that they like you for who you are and not just what [you think] they know about you.

Also, I just want to point at that there is no "typical" gay--a certain type just tends to be in the spotlight. There are plenty of other gay men who share your same interests--the difficult part is finding a way to meet them.

Best of luck these next years.

 

[calstudent]

i'd be glad to room with you. as a doctor, don't we want to treat patients? NOT straight patients, or gay patients, or short patients or tall, you get my point. same thing in our personal lives.
if there are going to be awkward times, i know i would have awkward times with a straight roomate as well.
that said, i am sure that some people might make you feel uncomfortable, but like someone else said, especially in med. school, i hope you should feel pretty comfortable.

 

[OmahaMX80]

Also, being gay, I just want to point at that there is no "typical" gay--a certain type just tends to be in the spotlight. There are plenty of other gay men who share your same interests--the difficult part is finding a way to meet them.

Amen.

 

[lorelei]

Congratulations on coming out! Some people suck, but most people you'll meet in med school will be pretty cool, I think, especially your fellow students. In my experience, most people our age are open-minded about issues of sexuality.

I date both guys and girls so I'm lucky in that I don't run into a lot of issues about it because most people just assume I'm straight. But I am fairly matter-of-fact about it, and plan to continue as such in med school (kind of like how I am about not believing in God - I don't have any bumper stickers, but if it comes up I mention it). In particular I want to be involved in an LGBTs in medicine group because I think it's a group that needs to be advocated for.

I don't feel like I fit in with the stereotypical gay culture either, but I've found that most people are really welcoming. You'll be surprised how many gay people don't take part in the flamboyant shiny shirt culture.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk any more about any of this.

 

[Cartman80]

i guess i'm afraid that if i am up front with the roommates, they won't want to live with me anymore. and i have nothing against rooming with other gay guys, but i worry that might limit my circle of friends or something. ahh, this sucks.

 

[YML]

bieng a straight male i was never asked about what positions i enjoyed with my girlfriend or how girlfriends ive had. that bieng said, i cannot see how your sexual prefrance is relevant to the application process or how it would come up in an interview.

i wish you the best of luck with the application process! 🙂

 

[wends]

live with girls, i dont know what it is, but we just love gay men! having a guy friend with no hassles, sounds good to me 👍

 

[asianpride]

i know of several gay folks at my school
i dont think they have had any problems but i dont know for sure
good luck

 

[zephyr_97]

cartman and others,

As a second year medical student, I'll add some of my experiences. I am out (as I helped start a LGBT group for medical students) and none of my classmates seem to have trouble with it. For some reasons, I seem to be able to relate to female classmates more, perhaps because of common guy issues. Some male classmates are pretty chill with it, after all, it is CA. Others still seem to have difficulty with it. All in all, med school is busy enough that there is not much free time. Given that free time is limited, you'll find that you'll hang out whoever you get along with. Med school is a give and take. How much you want to gain depends how much you put in. A realization also helped me is that I did not come to medical school to make friends, so don't worry about not getting along with everyone. No matter where you go, make sure that there is enough administrative support for student issues; happiness is very crucial to your well-being.

Personally I was out during application process because I was involved with undergrad LGBT groups. About not being typical gay, I am asian and I came to US 12 years ago, so I don't fit in anywhere I go per say in terms of Western and gay culture. You'll just find your niche and make most out of it. Personally I find refreshing that there are atypical gays out there. You'll find that Med school in general can be conservative, due to the emphasis on tradition; and there is no gay tradition in medicine. As society is changing, there will be more room for diversity. Perhaps we can be a catalyst for positive change. Good luck,

Z.

 

[velo]

I don't think you should have too much trouble finding roommates, I know I wouldn't have a problem with it if you were up front with me....for some reason I think I would find it a little wierd if you didn't tell me until after we'd been living together for a while....not sure why exactly....

but yeah, be upfront with prospective roommates and I'm sure you'll find plenty of people who are fine with having a gay roommate. Don't let the 'everyone' SDN forum fool you, I think med students in general are very open-minded people.