Relationships and Vet School

[cdo96]

Just so you know, you're responding to some very old posts

Hopefully in the last 12 years they’ve figured out their problems though!

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[JustPaws]

Oh lol nope, didn't look at the posting date at all.

Brain is apparently already on Thanksgiving break

Not enough activity in wolf chat and we thread to keep you satiated lol

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[PippyPony]

Not enough activity in wolf chat and we thread to keep you satiated lol

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This is exactly what is happening lololol

 

[britzen]

I will chime in with something more substantive than I put on the other thread about relationships...

I'm not in vet school yet, but my husband and I spent more time apart than we did together for the first 2.5 years of our relationship, often on different continents. The beginning of our relationship went something like this:

-5 months together
-11 months apart (visits only possible for 4 out of 11 months)
-3 months together
-10 months apart (no visits possible)
-Together after for the last 5 years except for one 6 month window that involved an interstate move

So, for our first ~2.5 years as a couple:
Total time together: 8 months
Total time apart: 21 months (with visits only possible during 4 of them because I was overseas for work most of the time)

Was it fun? Nope. Workable? Obviously. We got married in that little 3 month window where we were together and have been together for 7 years total.

You can do some things to make it more manageable. We make lots of time for each other while apart, including scheduling at least an hour on the phone to talk every night. We send each other snail mail letters and care packages too. Most of the time texting or skyping wasn't really possible based on where I was overseas, but we did that too when we were able.

We also had lots of good, adult conversations about what we wanted our relationship to be and where we wanted to go in life. Very unromantic, but very necessary to building a solid life together. And having an idea of what your plans are for the future is very helpful, I think, to start building a life together even when you are apart (and even if that life is imaginary, for the moment).

Something like "When [X happens]...., we will.... [do Y]" in whatever fashion you want your shared life to take. (ie "When I finish vet school, we will move to Alaska. I'll look for a job as a veterinarian for grizzly bears and you'll pursue your dream of Arctic underwater basket weaving. We'll build a yurt in the wilderness and have 17 babies.")

My husband and I are doing the same thing now that I am looking at vet school because it will mean that we have to move for 4 years and then move again afterward. He's supportive and on board, but the only vet schools I am looking at are ones where we could live in the same place because we're not willing to live separately again. (If I were still 22 at freshly out of college, then maybe, but I'm way past that point....) As a result, there are plenty of vet schools that I won't even consider applying to.

We have also talked about and have some realistic plans in place - can my husband find a job in that location while we are there? When I'm done with vet school, where do we want to live? Do I want to pursue a specialty? What does all of this mean for having a family? Being able to retire? Etc, etc, etc. You should be able to talk about this type of stuff with your partner and find reasonable compromises to make your relationship work.

If your partner gives you a lot of pushback about wanting to move... or spend that much time apart... or being with somebody who has a zillion dollars in student debt... you can't really hold it against them if that's not what they want their life to look like. Their happiness and fulfillment matters too, and shouldn't necessarily come at the expense of you pursuing your happiness. That may be selfish of them, but it would also be selfish of you to do something that you know will make your partner miserable for 4+ years.

If no compromise is possible you'll have to ask yourself, what do you want your life to look like? Do you want to be a veterinarian but not have that person in your life? Or would you rather pursue a different career but you get to stay with them? (And could you do that without resentment?)

 

[britzen]

I personally want to be married to him, as clingy as that sounds; but I've been with him for 8 years. I realize that something this important should not be rushed or pushed, but I feel insecure about what will happen to us

Marry your boyfriend if you want to get married and are ready to not because you are insecure about your relationship or simply because you have been together for a long time. That is a recipe for disaster.

If your relationship is not strong enough to survive vet school, I don't think being married will make any difference other than making the eventual fallout much messier.

 

[britzen]

What I truly suggest since you've been together so long is have good sit down conversation about all of this. Talk to him about it. You can't really figure out where you are going to end up until the schools tell you, but you can start planning for that. Rank your schools now on your choices of acceptance should you receive them. Then you can start looking at living arrangements in the area and get a feel for what you both want, etc. Ask him if he is willing to follow you where you may end up. Talk to him about wanting to get married and when and all of the different outlooks. I really think if you two have an honest conversation about this it will help ease your mind for sure and probably his even if he hasn't really thought about all of this he will have to soon enough.

As far as how do I keep my mind off of all of it, I just take it one day at a time. You can't change what is going to ultimately happen, but you can help direct the course and prepare. Have those serious conversations so you can be best prepared for you as a couple.

But we had a mature, adult conversation and as unromantic as it was, it was also important that we were on the same page in regards to our relationship. It has worked out very well.

Highlighting a few things from others that seem to be a theme: Talk to your partner and see if you are on the same page. Make compromises and plans where you can so that you are in a relationship that works for both of you.

 

[PippyPony]

Marry your boyfriend if you want to get married and are ready to not because you are insecure about your relationship or simply because you have been together for a long time. That is a recipe for disaster.

If your relationship is not strong enough to survive vet school, I don't think being married will make any difference other than making the eventual fallout much messier.

100% this.

Also applies to having kids (or so I am told by friends who now have kids).

 

[britzen]

I would imagine long distance may actually even be a little easier sometimes in some respects, because then there's just the expectation that you won't see each other

I will second this

When my husband and I were apart, it was much easier to focus on work because his only expectation of me was a nightly phone call. It was scheduled into my day, and the rest of the day was my own to work my butt off with an occasional scheduled weekend visit or something where I knew I wouldn't get anything done.

Now that we are together all the time, if I have an overwhelming amount of work to do there is a lot of whining about how we never get to do anything together. And he distracts that bejesus out of me every day when I'm trying to study.... ::grumble:: Obviously better in many ways to have him around (unconditional love and support, among other things), but I am not as productive as I would be if I lived alone.

The advice from a vet who wrote one of my recommendation letters was to make sure my hubby had a time-consuming hobby (or several) before we move because he will need something to keep him busy while I am grumpy and locked in my study dungeon room

 

[PippyPony]

Now that we are together all the time, if I have an overwhelming amount of work to do there is a lot of whining about how we never get to do anything together. And he distracts that bejesus out of me every day when I'm trying to study.... ::grumble::

^i complain about this a lot. A lot a lot. And then feel guilty about it, but then also simultaneously feel justified. Which is often even more distracting than the original distraction lol

 

[WildZoo]

I would imagine long distance may actually even be a little easier sometimes in some respects, because then there's just the expectation that you won't see each other

Can definitely second this as well and agree with what @britzen said. It was a lot easier for me to be productive at home last year when we were still long distance. The pros outweigh the cons but it has been an adjustment.

 

[britzen]

^i complain about this a lot. A lot a lot. And then feel guilty about it, but then also simultaneously feel justified at the same time. Which is often even more distracting than the original distraction lol

We had to make a compromise about it because I would get grumpy that he was distracting me. And then he would get grumpy that I was grumpy at him for just wanting to spend time with me....

We settled on:
-He is allowed to distract me for ~30 minutes when he first gets home from work
-I will take a proper break at some point to have dinner with him
-After dinner, he is limited to 5 minutes of distraction, once per hour

 

[Frozenshades]

^i complain about this a lot. A lot a lot. And then feel guilty about it, but then also simultaneously feel justified. Which is often even more distracting than the original distraction lol

"Whatcha doinnn?"

"15 minute explanation/rant why I'm too busy right now to talk for 15 minutes"

 

[MixedAnimals77]

Exactly- everyone is different. Just wanted to point out that wanting one's diploma to read something specific is not something needing to delay a marriage.

Yeah I know I could do that also, but there's other reasons for it as well (this is the easy explanation). But thanks you for the input!

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[Squeaksmom]

Too lazy to quote everyone I agree with, but I wanted to chime in.... This is going to be long, sorry!

My hubby and son are ~3.5 hours away by highway while I'm in school. We were apart for all of first year as well. These days I get home about once a month, and when I'm there I have no expectation of being particularly productive. I know it isn't nearly as far as some have to go, but I won't lie, it has been **hard**! We've been married for 17 years and value communication very highly, so we're able to make it work. We also both have serious chronic medical conditions, which adds another element of fun to the whole situation. After graduation I'm hoping to specialize, which will likely mean at least a few years in a different country. He likely won't be able to get a work visa to come with me, so we're hoping the skills we're developing now will carry us through.

Communicate and keep busy! My hubby has no real grasp of what my day's like in terms of workload and time commitment - how could he when he's not here and has never been through it? But if I say that I'm busy, he takes that at face value and isn't offended by it. He wants me to apply myself fully if I'm going to do this, so there's no underhanded attempts to make me feel guilty. We make sure to talk on the phone nightly with very few exceptions, even if it's just a quick check in - staying in touch is non-negotiable for both of us. At the same time, he's working 21 days in a row this stretch and many of his shifts are 12 hours, so he's keeping busy as well. Neither of us has time to be pining for the other.

We both live with the fear of what if something happens to the other medically while we're apart, and I've been panicked a couple of times when my son missed the bus and the school called my cell asking where he was. Umm... I'm in a different city and have no idea... he'd better have missed the bus and not any of the other possibilities! My parents and siblings (with their families) are there, so I know my family has support, but all I really have are my classmates. But we make it work. And I do a lot of driving!

 

[SkiOtter]

When I finish vet school, we will move to Alaska. I'll look for a job as a veterinarian for grizzly bears and you'll pursue your dream of Arctic underwater basket weaving. We'll build a yurt in the wilderness and have 17 babies.

Blitzen you'd fit right in in Alaska since you're a reindeer.

 

[britzen]

Blitzen you'd fit right in in Alaska since you're a reindeer.

My hubby's ideal climate is approximately the surface of the sun and he won't entertain the idea that we could become nomadic reindeer herders in the Yukon.

Meanwhile, my dream life:

 

[SkiOtter]

My hubby's ideal climate is approximately the surface of the sun and he won't entertain the idea that we could become nomadic reindeer herders in the Yukon.

Meanwhile, my dream life:

View attachment 225646

Divorce him and we can be manasister wives. @finnickthedog is probably cool with a cooler climate for our future farm since we already live in Michigan anyway

 

[Trilt]

My hubby's ideal climate is approximately the surface of the sun and he won't entertain the idea that we could become nomadic reindeer herders in the Yukon.

your hubby is reasonable. Warrrmmmsssss.

 

[britzen]

your hubby is reasonable. Warrrmmmsssss.

He grew up in the Australian outback and somehow thinks it's not an acceptable temperature unless its above 85 degrees. Meanwhile, I melt if it's above like 65. If he keeps turning up the thermostat, @SkiOtter might just be able to convince me to leave him to be her manasister wife instead...

 

[SkiOtter]

He grew up in the Australian outback and somehow thinks it's not an acceptable temperature unless its above 85 degrees. Meanwhile, I melt if it's above like 65. If he keeps turning up the thermostat, @SkiOtter might just be able to convince me to leave him to be her manasister wife instead...

Ew gross

My house is max 68 year round but sometimes lower in the summer of it's really hot out. If I get cold, I get a blanket. I can't take my skin off if I get too hot.

(But also omg I had to share a hotel room with someone from work this weekend and she had the room set super warm and I just about died. Kept waking up in the middle of the night to turn it down some more because the previous adjustment wasn't enough, was trying not to freeze her out but omg I was dyin')

 

[britzen]

Ew gross

My house is max 68 year round but sometimes lower in the summer of it's really hot out. If I get cold, I get a blanket. I can't take my skin off if I get too hot.

I knew we were perfect for each other!

We had to compromise on 68 for the current heat setting in the house for the winter and he's constantly complaining that it's too cold and sometimes sneaks it up higher. I woke up sweating today because he turned it up when he got up in the morning even though I slept in shorts and a tank top... (I'd honestly just turn off the heat for the next few months if I lived alone - it's like 50 degrees outside. It would be fine in the house.).

He was constantly turning off the AC in the summer when I wasn't home and would it get 80+ in the house. Plus the humidity, just awful.

 

[JaynaAli]

Just listening to you all makes me feel cold. I run the AC at 76-78 in the summer. Partly because I'm cheap and AC is expensive, and partly because 75ish is my ideal temperature. I wear a fleece jacket at work because my university loves its air conditioning to 70 degrees year round. It's currently 70s during the day and 50s at night here now so even though the AC is technically on, it doesn't ever kick on since it's high 60s to low 70s in the house for the most part...I'm currently sleeping with a sheet, comforter, and at least one fleece blanket. Plus the dog wants under the blankets too if it's under 70.

When I lived in a place where we actually had winter, I sat the heater on 68. My roommate was more like you all and liked it cold and one weekend she had turned it off and it was 57 in my house! Gross. Any time she was gone I'd increase it to 74, but then we'd go back to 68 when she came home. I also had an electric blanket and a space heater in my room to appease her need for cold and my need for warmth.

 

[SkiOtter]

I knew we were perfect for each other!

We had to compromise on 68 for the current heat setting in the house for the winter and he's constantly complaining that it's too cold and sometimes sneaks it up higher. I woke up sweating today because he turned it up when he got up in the morning even though I slept in shorts and a tank top... (I'd honestly just turn off the heat for the next few months if I lived alone - it's like 50 degrees outside. It would be fine in the house.).

He was constantly turning off the AC in the summer when I wasn't home and would it get 80+ in the house. Plus the humidity, just awful.

Oh god why

 

[britzen]

Just listening to you all makes me feel cold. I run the AC at 76-78 in the summer. Partly because I'm cheap and AC is expensive, and partly because 75ish is my ideal temperature. I wear a fleece jacket at work because my university loves its air conditioning to 70 degrees year round.

They do that to help avoid Sick Building Syndrome, which homes don't tend to get even if they are warmer... I think 72 degrees is the cap that commercial buildings will use to lessen the chances that their workforce will have issues with it. I've also been told it's actually cheaper to keep the air colder (since it has to be cooled to ~55 degrees to remove moisture and then be heated back up to human comfort levels).


I think comfort level as an adult really depends what you were used to growing up... I grew up in the Pacific Northwest with no central heat, just a woodstove in the living room. So, lots of 50-60 degree days and rainy weather and the bedrooms that were not all that warm overnight because it dropped into the 30s and 40s.

Hubby grew up in a hot desert where it was above 90 a lot of the time during the day and 60s overnight, so that's "normal" to him. If he had it his way, he'd leave it at 78 degrees in the house in the summer and probably closer to 75 in the winter.

Meanwhile, I would have no issue if it was 57 degrees in the house. In fact, my study room thermometer says it's 64 back here right now and I'm quite happy! I start to object when it's below 55. (Which happens sometimes since the room isn't connect to the central HVAC system...) But even then, I just throw on a blanket.

 

[JaynaAli]

They do that to help avoid Sick Building Syndrome, which homes don't tend to get even if they are warmer... I think 72 degrees is the cap that commercial buildings will use to lessen the chances that their workforce will have issues with it. I've also been told it's actually cheaper to keep the air colder (since it has to be cooled to ~55 degrees to remove moisture and then be heated back up to human comfort levels).

Yeah, I've heard that kind of thing before! I also work in a laboratory and the fancy six-figure analyzers are required to be kept between a certain, very small temperature range or else we can't guarantee results, since the reactions needed to determine those results can be slowed or sped up by changes ambient temperature. So it's even more critical for our area to be at a steady temperature. I've resigned myself to always being cold. I do agree that it's easier to mitigate being cold than hot, even though I'm not too warm very often.

 

[DVMDream]

Just listening to you all makes me feel cold. I run the AC at 76-78 in the summer.

All summer long I have been listening to my mom and dad bicker back and forth about the AC setting. My mom wants it on 76 and constantly complains about being hot. My dad wants it on 77 and constantly complains about being cold. Every ****ing day. They argue about the fan being on/off. So annoying. Especially since it is still getting up to the 80's around here during the day so the AC still needs to be run.

 

[britzen]

Oh god why

All summer long I have been listening to my mom and dad bicker back and forth about the AC setting. My mom wants it on 76 and constantly complains about being hot. My dad wants it on 77 and constantly complains about being cold. Every ****ing day. They argue about the fan being on/off. So annoying. Especially since it is still getting up to the 80's around here during the day so the AC still needs to be run.

Arguing over 1 degree?

At least my marital discord is over a 10 or so degree difference of opinion.

 

[DVMDream]

Arguing over 1 degree?

At least my marital discord is over a 10 or so degree difference of opinion.

Exactly.. over 1 degree. It is insane.

 

[Filly Bay]

I think keeping the house at 80 deg in the summer (or any time of year for that matter) is grounds for divorce.

Above 75 deg is questionable, I'd have to love her/him an awful lot.

 

[Trilt]

I think keeping the house at 80 deg in the summer (or any time of year for that matter) is grounds for divorce.

Above 75 deg is questionable, I'd have to love her/him an awful lot.

we'd never work out.

 

[Filly Bay]

we'd never work out.

Mr. Trilt has survived thus far I think I could make an exception as long as you're okay with a constant lack of clothing.

 

[twelvetigers]

73 summer, 70 winter but 65 overnight with an electric blanket. No arguments ever (over that anyway).