seeking help...doc hubby leaving mom & newborn..

[domni]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for any information that might help me to figure out what has happened to my husband.

The night after I (34) delivered our baby girl my husband (32) was walking around our home crying and holding our baby daughter. I thought he was overwhelmed with emotion and lack of sleep from having her (and pulling a shift the night before) but when I asked him what was wrong he said it was because he had started to leave me 2x during our marriage. From that point on it has snowballed into a hellish 10 weeks of crying, yelling, begging and everything in between including a date where we both had a good time.

My husband finished his residency 2 days before our daughter was born, he took his boards test last week and we were scheduled to move to another state in a couple weeks along with him starting in a 100+ practice.

I know that all of these things have affected him immensly but I can't make him realize it. A year ago we were planning our lives and trying to get pregnant (which took over a year to do) and now he is riding around in a sports car and talking about dividing our things up in the next couple weeks for his move to another state. I did find where he had formed a close friendship with a resident and he did admit that he put his friendship with her before me..ie: he talked to her of his issues with our marriage and not me. He swears over and over that he did not sleep etc with this woman. He has also become astonishily bizarre with "his" money and I've wondered if he is just unwilling to admit to an affair because he thinks it will cost him more of "his" money.

I also feel he has not bonded at all with our daughter. It seems that the only time he has any patience with her is when he knows he won't see her for any length of time (I've been staying off and on at my father's home) and then he begins weeping again. Otherwise he hasn't learned any of her behavorial quirkcs...such as her sucking her fists when she's hungry etc.

Has anyone ever heard of any sort of this kind of behavior?? I honestly feel that he needs counceling but he has refused it both for himself and our marriage. I am at a complete and total loss as to what to do.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[thirdunity]

He's refused counselling because he doesn't want to stay in the marriage. That message is loud and clear.

Now you need to think about the child, and about your own future.

This situation is pretty cut and dried. Let's see how little he wants to do with his child when you go after full custody and thus a full package of child support and alimony.

I can't imagine that there is an attorney in the world who wouldn't take your side on this.

You'd better act fast while he's still adjusting to finishing his residency, before he gets the money together to get better legal counsel than you can afford, and before you get screwed out of your rights in this matter.

Don't feel bad about taking him to the cleaners. He really should've thought about that when you two were working on getting pregnant, and he had one foot out the door.

A man who willingly creates a child when he's got one foot out the door, isn't a human being.

Edit:
This advice comes from my mom.
Don't divide ANYTHING before you talk to a lawyer, because that would constitute an agreement in the eyes of the law. And you should see a lawyer ASAP.

 

[f_w]

Birth of a child can be the breaking point in a relationship, sorry to hear that you have to go through this.

Just to throw in a male perspective:

> I did find where he had formed a close friendship with a resident and
> he did admit that he put his friendship with her before me..ie: he
> talked to her of his issues with our marriage and not me. He swears
> over and over that he did not sleep etc with this woman.

He is sleeping with her, and he was probably sleeping with her for a long time during your marriage.

- don't cry, don't beg, get yourself a nice place to live close to were your family lives. Do this before you file anything with the courts. Once you are in divorce or child custody proceedings, your ability to move can be curtailed by court orders.

- talk to an attorney

- hire a PI to document his infidelity. While there is nothing like a finding of 'fault' in modern divorce proceedings, dirt can still be valuable.

- wait for him to get the first couple paychecks from his attending job, then file for child support and alimony

- emphasize the emotional cruelty of leaving you the day after your child is born

- unless he was beating you and or the child, there is nothing that will allow you to cut him off from visitation with the kid

- don't get suckered into agreeing into any 'final' determinations of his level of child support. His income will develop quite nicely over the next 3-5 years, you don't want to get sold short here.

Good Luck. You are in for a year or two of the typical divorce hell. Keep your eye on the prize. If you have a good attorney, you will be able to provide your child with a nice standard of living and a college education without having to work more than part-time yourself.

 

[thirdunity]

f_w,

With you on all of this, and glad to see a guy piping in. There are guys out there who believe that if a woman demands anything at all, the guy is "getting screwed". I think this is one of those circumstances where she deserves anything she can get out of him. They were trying to get pregnant for the past year. He could've decided to break up the marriage before she got pregnant. He's made his own bed. Time to lie in it.

 

[domni]

Thank you all for your input. This past weekend I tried to reach out to him once again..things seemed to be going along pleasently when I came across yet more phonecalls and then notations on his computer about her favorite flowers and emails hoping she will visit with her children in the other state.

I can say with a definative and resounding finality that I am through with him...other than the divorce proceedings.

There is one issue I am still torn over. This woman's husband is in the dark and I was in the same boat only days ago.

Would you want to know? I sometimes think I could've gone on without knowing..that I could've been blissfully ignorant of it all. On the other hand who knows. Maybe things will work out well for me and our daughter.

I acted rashly tonight when I found the notations about her favorite flower. I emailed everyone on his addy list about just a tiny bit of what's been going on. I think I was just fed up with him being the golden boy in everyone's eyes. (He was even resident of the year..the award all the residents in the hospital vote on.) Turns out I emailed quite a lot of people they worked with and am now worried about being sued. I wasn't slanderous at all but just stated a few facts.

I wonder if I should contact her husband before everyone in else gets their emails ..or not?

 

[Mom2five]

I am so sorry...saying a prayer for you.

 

[thirdunity]

Thank you all for your input. This past weekend I tried to reach out to him once again..things seemed to be going along pleasently when I came across yet more phonecalls and then notations on his computer about her favorite flowers and emails hoping she will visit with her children in the other state.

1. The evidence of phone calls and the notations on his computer and emails? GET A HARD COPY OF IT. SAVE THIS EVIDENCE, you will need it in court.

2. Don't contact the husband of the other woman. Only contact you should have should be with an attorney, ASAP.

Don't have any contact with anyone connected to him, you'll just become the "psycho ex" and he could end up getting custody of the kid. That's what happened in the Betty Broderick case. Google "Betty Broderick".
You don't want that.

Instead, get help. Turn to your religion, your family, a good psychotherapist, a support group. Find a place to vent that *has no contact with him*. The only contact you should have with him or anyone connected, should be through an attorney. Find an attorney NOW, and follow his/her advice.

 

[DasN]

Dont jump to conclusions here!!
I think we can all learn a lesson from R. Kelly's new hit "in the closet"
Make sure that hes not batting for the other team first, he could be tellin you the truth about the other woman but he's really keepin it on the "Down Low" or being an "undercover brother" or hittin skins of his bros.
You know what i mean

 

[thirdunity]

Dont jump to conclusions here!!
I think we can all learn a lesson from R. Kelly's new hit "in the closet"
Make sure that hes not batting for the other team first, he could be tellin you the truth about the other woman but he's really keepin it on the "Down Low" or being an "undercover brother" or hittin skins of his bros.
You know what i mean

An affair is an affair, regardless of the other party's equipment.

 

[f_w]

2. Don't contact the husband of the other woman. Only contact you should have should be with an attorney, ASAP.

Don't have any contact with anyone connected to him, you'll just become the "psycho ex" and he could end up getting custody of the kid.

Amen to that !

Betrayed women have this deep urge to share their pain with the spouse of the person they are being cheated with. Don't give in to this urge. I have seen a case were this brought someone awfully close to getting killed.

 

[justawonderin]

If you are in a community property state you might own half of his degree. When in his training did you get married? If it was during medical school before his MD, then you have a shot of getting half of his income from his MD for life.

 

[thirdunity]

If you are in a community property state you might own half of his degree. When in his training did you get married? If it was during medical school before his MD, then you have a shot of getting half of his income from his MD for life.

Never heard of that one. If it's true - I'd say it's fair in many cases, given how many times a partner puts the other partner through school - only to get dumped when the other person finishes.

 

[justawonderin]

Never heard of that one. If it's true - I'd say it's fair in many cases, given how many times a partner puts the other partner through school - only to get dumped when the other person finishes.

That is exactly what the law is for, but it is state dependent. Either way, she will be able to take him to the cleaners...


http://www.familylawsoftware.com/splitgen/sp/ny/areprofessionaldegeesmaritalproperty.htm

 

[Energon]

Domini, first of all my heart totally goes out to you and your child. This is a very difficult situation and I am so sorry that it has ruined what should actually be the best time of your life (having a child).

Know that I am not a psychiatrist or anything so take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

There is definitely data that links men's succiptibility to step out on their marriage when their spouses are pregnant. I am also sure that during residency and medical school people get very close to one another and it is a perfect situation to "slip into an affair without even knowing it"

Having said that, I still believe that any man who steps out on his marriage without considering the feelings of his spouse and children is at FAULT. If you guys had a troubled marriage prior to his problems, it is a different situation. However from your post, it seems to me that you guys were happy before any of this started.

I am sure everything around you is chaotic at this moment, however there are some things that I would do:

1. Make sure the welfare of you newborn is the first priority. Ask your parents or close friends to help out with her care.

2. Ensure the etiology of your husband's behavior.
a) There is a possibility that he may have psychological issues. If he is suddenly spending a lot of money and talking as if he lives in another world there is a possibility he may be suffering from manic depression, bipolar disorder or some other condition.
b) On the other hand there is also the possibility that he is cheating or wants to leave the marriage because he suddenly finds himself unwanting to bear the "responsibility" of being a family man.

If it is (a) get him help asap for a vast number of medicolegal reasons.

If it is (b) contact a lawyer, gather all evidence as previously stated and be very very methodical about it. Ensuring your rights and the rights of your child should be the main concern here. I know it is hard not to get emotional about it.... but it has to be done and done properly.

Lastly and most importantly make sure you take care of your own emotional health. Like I said before, the best way to do this is to get help from all your loved ones and well wishers. Also posting online can be very theraputic and I am happy you have done that.
Nonetheless keep posting and keep an eye on all the support you are getting here.

 

[LADoc00]

Has anyone ever heard of any sort of this kind of behavior??

Yes, like all the time.

I would say he's not that into you and certainly not in love with you. Sucks to hear the truth but I would move on. You will probably get child support and some type of alimony until you remarry. There isnt some complex psycho babble explanation here, this happens everyday, in everytown...everywhere.

Sorry, hope you find someone better.

 

[bananaface]

If you were planning on being a stay at home mom, that dream is pretty much over. Use your alimony to make yourself independent. Make him pay his share of your daughter's care, but don't think that he owes you a lifetime cash supply. I don't care what other posters think about grabbing on and sucking the life out of him. You will be alot happier if you are independent and will serve as a much better role model for your daughter.

I would very much like to see you ask him to pay half of your daughter's college tuition for undergraduate studies, as a condition of the divorce. There is no point in waiting 18 years to negotiate this.

 

[Energon]

If you were planning on being a stay at home mom, that dream is pretty much over. Use your alimony to make yourself independent. Make him pay his share of your daughter's care, but don't think that he owes you a lifetime cash supply. I don't care what other posters think about grabbing on and sucking the life out of him. You will be alot happier if you are independent and will serve as a much better role model for your daughter.

I would very much like to see you ask him to pay half of your daughter's college tuition for undergraduate studies, as a condition of the divorce. There is no point in waiting 18 years to negotiate this.

She should be independent... but her husband HAS to pay for the child's care from now until she is done with college.
Yes marriages break, spouses cheat and this happens all the time, but the offending party has to pay for their mistakes.
I may be old fashioned but I do believe that a man is responsible to do his best to provide for his family. For whatever reason if he is going to try and get out of it he has to be penalized.

Also I say this as a male myself.

 

[bananaface]

She should be independent... but her husband HAS to pay for the child's care from now until she is done with college.
Yes marriages break, spouses cheat and this happens all the time, but the offending party has to pay for their mistakes.
I may be old fashioned but I do believe that a man is responsible to do his best to provide for his family. For whatever reason if he is going to try and get out of it he has to be penalized.

Also I say this as a male myself.

Her ex-husband to be and she should each pay a reasonable share of the child's care. Child support is not designed to punish the "bad guy", just to ensure that both parents are contributing as fairly as they can afford to towards the needs of their child.

What happens after the child is 18 can only be ensured if it is spelled out in the divorce agreement. College money is not automatically obligatory. That is why now is a good time to bring the subject to the table.

 

[TheEponine]

My father walked out on my mom when she was pregnant and he didn't keep in touch at all. I got in touch with him 5 years ago and I feel extremely uncomfortable around him and I can't forgive him so I don't keep in touch with him anymoer. I never got a phone call, birthday presents etc. He never paid child support and I was doing lots of activities outside of school like music and sports. But fortunately my family is great, I got a lot of support from my grandparents and aunts and uncles. Growing up without a father was extremely difficult, and I didn't even know where he lived, and I had to explain that to all the kids who asked when I was in school.
I really want to make him pay for tuition and I just want to sue him. On the other hand, I don't really care if I get the money or not, just that he becomes bankrupt. I hate the fact that he has fancy cars, a big house, a big boat and can buy all sorts of stuff.

That's just my story...

 

[CoffeeMug]

Nail the f#cker to the cross.

 

[CircleTheDrain]

Nail the f#cker to the cross.

I concur!

 

[DasN]

She should be independent... but her husband HAS to pay for the child's care from now until she is done with college.
Yes marriages break, spouses cheat and this happens all the time, but the offending party has to pay for their mistakes.
I may be old fashioned but I do believe that a man is responsible to do his best to provide for his family. For whatever reason if he is going to try and get out of it he has to be penalized.

Also I say this as a male myself.

Yeah by the looks of your avatar a GAY male

 

[Energon]

Yeah by the looks of your avatar a GAY male

good observation, now if you dont mind dropping your drawrs and bending over....

Child support is not designed to punish the "bad guy", just to ensure that both pares are contributing as fairly as they can afford to towards the needs of their child

Little over 50% of the married couples in our nation end up in divorce court, so obviously divorce is nothing new. But to walk out on your spouse when she is pregnant is criminal and there has to be some form of retribution, if he is a person who happens to be well paid then a financial pay out for the child he wants to abandon is probably the most fair.

 

[1Path]

good observation, now if you dont mind dropping your drawrs and bending over.

Having been through divorce myself, I feel bad for the OP. But let this be a lesson to women everywhere NOT to forget your dreams and goals in marriage. There's nothing worse than being left with nothing to "fall back" on.

 

[thirdunity]

Hi AMMD,

What bugged me most about OP's ex - he kept her believing they had a good marriage, even tried to have a kid with her, then didn't reveal he'd intended to leave until after she already had the kid. He DUPED her. He deserves to get ass-raped in court. He brought it on himself. He shouldn't have willingly gone along with getting a woman pregnant if he didn't intend to stay with her.

Little over 50% of the married couples in our nation end up in divorce court, so obviously divorce is nothing new. But to walk out on your spouse when she is pregnant is criminal and there has to be some form of retribution, if he is a person who happens to be well paid then a financial pay out for the child he wants to abandon is probably the most fair.

 

[LADoc00]

He deserves to get ass-raped in court..

Didnt AMMD say that is exactly what he had in mind?

 

[Energon]

Hi AMMD,

What bugged me most about OP's ex - he kept her believing they had a good marriage, even tried to have a kid with her, then didn't reveal he'd intended to leave until after she already had the kid. He DUPED her. He deserves to get ass-raped in court. He brought it on himself. He shouldn't have willingly gone along with getting a woman pregnant if he didn't intend to stay with her.

I concurr. Getting a divorce is not a crime if you are unhappy with the marriage. However, impregnating your wife and then leaving her right after the baby is born is wrong.

 

[bananaface]

I concurr. Getting a divorce is not a crime if you are unhappy with the marriage. However, impregnating your wife and then leaving her right after the baby is born is wrong.

Is it really worse now than in say 3 years? The sooner a bad marriage is over with the sooner all parties can get on with their lives. That's my take, anyway.

 

[LADoc00]

I wanted to add, how is it that some guys spend their whole lives working to get $ to go out on dates, meet people etc to one day get married and have kids and yet other who have all this, just chuck it away?

 

[1Path]

I wanted to add, how is it that some guys spend their whole lives working to get $ to go out on dates, meet people etc to one day get married and have kids and yet other who have all this, just chuck it away?

It's called being an orifice of the gluteus maximus!!

 

[Energon]

Is it really worse now than in say 3 years? The sooner a bad marriage is over with the sooner all parties can get on with their lives. That's my take, anyway.

My only issue here is that knowing he was unhappy he still got domni pregnant (its not like he had to get knocked up) and then unleashing this shyte storm on her when she is just learning to take care of an infant the first time in her life.... I mean come on; she is probably at the most fragile point in her life when she needs support the most... and here this guy is totally giving her a raw deal at this point in her life

 

[bananaface]

I wanted to add, how is it that some guys spend their whole lives working to get $ to go out on dates, meet people etc to one day get married and have kids and yet other who have all this, just chuck it away?

Because not all marriages are happy.

*testifies*

 

[bananaface]

My only issue here is that knowing he was unhappy he still got domni pregnant (its not like he had to get knocked up) and then unleashing this shyte storm on her when she is just learning to take care of an infant the first time in her life.... I mean come on; she is probably at the most fragile point in her life when she needs support the most... and here this guy is totally giving her a raw deal at this point in her life

It seems given that he must have had at least some glimmer of hope at that time. If he had given up on the relationship, why would he concieve a child (especially given his financial conservation themes)?

 

[LADoc00]

Because not all marriages are happy.

*testifies*

its seems even a relatively cold and icy guy would be somewhat melted by a mini cute hairless version of himself...

 

[bananaface]

its seems even a relatively cold and icy guy would be somewhat melted by a mini cute hairless version of himself...

They sometimes come with hair.

Alot of things just make no sense in the "we have a baby but don't want to be together" dynamic. I don't see why society seems to accept it as somewhat normal for a guy to cop out on child support. I don't see why men are willing to surrender their kids to their ex's so readily. I don't see why people use innocent kids as a way to manipulate and poke at each other.

Could you bring yourself to live with someone you didn't want to be with if you had a child together? I don't know that I could. It would be a hard decision. I'd imagine that if someone really wanted to stay with their kid but knew that they would not be favored for primary custody by the courts kid it'd be an even harder decision, emotionally speaking.

 

[LADoc00]

I found the OP's baby, he had a message for the dad:

 

[bananaface]

I found the OP's baby, he had a message for the dad:

He talks like you. Are you sure it's not your kid?

 

[ACanOfCortisol]

First of all, IF he had wanted to make this marriage work, he would have agreed to go to both individual and marital counseling. The fact that he refuses to seek help shows how (not) committed he is to you and your relationship.

Secondly, having a new baby is just no excuse to treat anybody else - least of your spouse - badly. If anyone should be doing any walking out, it should be YOU, not him. This is the first time I've heard of a MAN leaving his just delivered wife, simply because their newborn overwhelms HIM!

This man is a liar, a cheat and the worst type of human being you could ever get together with. I agree that marriages sometime run into problems, but the mature, sane way to counter those difficulties is to acknowledge them and to seek help in solving them. Getting you pregnant when he was having an affair with another woman, and leaving you the day after your child was born speaks volume of his character and integrity. You'll be better off without him. Do you think you could ever trust him again?

I'm sure if you dig deep enough, you'll find out that he's been lying to you and sleeping with this woman for a long, long, time. Even if he hadn't had a full-blown physical affair, he's atleast been having an emotional affair with her. Otherwise, he wouldn't have told her about the problems in YOUR marriage. These problems are plain NONE OF HER BUSINESS! This was supposed to be your private affair, and the only third party he should be confiding in, is a marriage counselor or a priest.

I suggest you start by looking out for your interests and the interests of your newborn. Find a place for yourself, get an attorney and serve him divorce papers. Kick him out FIRST. Don't even deal with him anymore. Only have your attorney contact him and communicate with him for you. Document his emails to his 'girl friend', and any photos / communication / phone records that you come across. You need to be able to prove his infidelity in court, and if he's been a crafty customer, he could get away with it, unless you do your homework carefully.

As for him suing you for slander or defamation, well, GOOD luck to him with that. Slander is defined as "Oral communication of false statements injurious to a person's reputation". There was nothing false or malicious about your email to his friends - he's been having an affair and you merely sent them a heads-up about what he's been upto these past few years. I'm sure they were very interested and very shocked to know that when he was busy winning Best Resident of the Year Award, he was also in the running for the Worst Husband and Biggest @ssh@le of the Century Prize. However, I would STRONGLY suggest that you get a hold of yourself, and not contact him, his family, friends or co-workers again. You don't want to come across as the bitter, angry wife that swears vengence on her STBX. It could go ill for you, if any of the friends or family members that you should contact, were to testify against you in court.

Don't make any financial agreements with him, without taking your attorney's advice. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR ATTORNEY'S CONSENT. If you live in a community property state, everything he owns is considered marital property and half of it belongs to you. Make sure you get your just dues and that he makes adequate provisions for your baby's upbringing and future. This man must pay for his evil ways! A marriage going sour is understandable. Bringing an innocent child into the world, to suffer for his misdeeds, is not.

 

[OzDDS]

More reasons some people should never marry in the first place.

 

[bananaface]

More reasons some people should never marry in the first place.

Hindsight is 20/20. Foresight is nonexistent.

 

[LADoc00]

He talks like you. Are you sure it's not your kid?

All my babies and baby-mommas are accounted for in my trailer park at the moment. (hey, I at least spring for the double-wide trailers when they have more than one of my kids) My hospital-issued PDA comes in handy sometimes....

 

[1Path]

Hindsight is 20/20. Foresight is nonexistent.

You can say that again!

 

[sunnyjohn]

Get a lawyer.

Go see a therapist for your own peace of mind.

 

[bananaface]

All my babies and baby-mommas are accounted for in my trailer park at the moment. (hey, I at least spring for the double-wide trailers when they have more than one of my kids) My hospital-issued PDA comes in handy sometimes....

Awww. It's refreshing to see a man take responsibility for his children. What's the PDA for? To track their space numbers and your visit dates so you know which of their kids are yours?

 

[k's mom]

If you were planning on being a stay at home mom, that dream is pretty much over. Use your alimony to make yourself independent. Make him pay his share of your daughter's care, but don't think that he owes you a lifetime cash supply. I don't care what other posters think about grabbing on and sucking the life out of him. You will be alot happier if you are independent and will serve as a much better role model for your daughter..

I agree, to an extent. After the divorce, you may no longer be the wife of a physician, but your daughter will ALWAYS be the child of a physician and thus she has the right to the lifestyle and financial security that comes with it, regardless of wether she lives with him or not. Call an attorney, call an attorney, call an attorney!!!!!!!!! (But don't file for divorce until you are in the state where YOU want to live)

 

[OzDDS]

I agree, to an extent. After the divorce, you may no longer be the wife of a physician, but your daughter will ALWAYS be the child of a physician and thus she has the right to the lifestyle and financial security that comes with it, regardless of wether she lives with him or not. Call an attorney, call an attorney, call an attorney!!!!!!!!! (But don't file for divorce until you are in the state where YOU want to live)

As long as the money is going ALL to the child! Don't encourage this woman to USE her child to twist pocket money from her ex-husband.. that too is wrong.

I've seen too many cases of da baby's mama using her sperm donors "child support" so mama can buy some new leather pants and a louis vitton purse.

 

[OzDDS]

Is it really worse now than in say 3 years? The sooner a bad marriage is over with the sooner all parties can get on with their lives. That's my take, anyway.

Agreed!!

 

[LADoc00]

Awww. It's refreshing to see a man take responsibility for his children. What's the PDA for? To track their space numbers and your visit dates so you know which of their kids are yours?

Yes, the PDA is for tracking birthdays and such, each baby gets a crisp five dollah bill on his/her bday and a kiss

With so many I have to ration my resources a bit.

 

[bananaface]

Yes, the PDA is for tracking birthdays and such, each baby gets a crisp five dollah bill on his/her bday and a kiss

With so many I have to ration my resources a bit.

Wow. You are going to give Wilt Chamberlain a run for his money.

 

[emmaizzy]

i'm sorry about your situation. i don't know what to say, but your situation frightens me.

i've been going out with my boyfriend for 7 years. we met before med school, stayed together through it, got engaged last year.

he broke off our 6 month engagement at a strange moment: a) 2 hours following his step 1 boards, which he kicked butt on, b) the day after i moved out of my apartment and moved into storage; because he asked me to move in with him, c) the day we were announcing our engagement (inexplicably secret) to his family and d)4 weeks before my step 2 boards.

i'm so sorry that he did this to you. people can be deceitful. i'm sure he loves you, but, in truth, he's an idiot.