Self-directed anger marring confidence.

[S.Rae]

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Does anyone else feel embarrassed of their earlier life choices, and may be struggling to mediate self-directed anger?

I grew up in a household that was poor, moved a lot, and was a little less than loving. I coped by escaping into art and music, and while i was an honors student from k-12 I certainly did not make great grades. I was a smart little ship but I was unfocused, and I started working at 16, full time (illegal, yes ) and hanging out with boys, and later, partying hard. My teachers reached out to me in the most helpful ways but I shied away, kind of knowing that while I was college smart, I wasnt college ready. I'm the first in my family to even graduate hs. I started cc three years ago at 24, wanting medicine, and I've gotten spectacular grades. But, because of my high school escapism, I never took beyond alg 2, no chemistry, no physics. I dropped ap bio (after getting an award from the science dept) for work, and graduated with a low gpa. Now I pay for it, as my undergrad is taking me forever and a half. I am loving science and I'm kicking myself for not having gotten it together back then. I feel so angry and embarrassed that as the semesters go by, I'm more and more embarrassed and angry with myself. I get As, but getting the top A is all I want. I'm terrified that even one B will mean I'm a failure. I am near tears when I get a low A- even if the class average was a C. I feel as though not getting these grades makes me less of a candidate for med school- because otherwise all I have to go on is my younger years of foolishness.

As an aside, I know that anger and hostility are unhealthy emotions, and I'm here to talk to others who feel the same, have been there and have helpful advice.

Who's with me??

 

[s5260205]

Seems to me you are doing quite well in your courses. Don't fret too much with not excelling in all your courses. Getting a B, or even a C won't affect your GPA much in the grand scheme. It's still quite a bit of road ahead of you (preparing for MCAT, finishing your degree), and it's much better if you could relax and not be so harsh on yourself all the time. Consider this process a marathon and not a sprint, take a break from all the studying once in a while, go outdoor (it's winter now but hopefully it's not too cold where you live) and momentarily let go of all your worries and concerns.

Do you have someone close you could chat with? Do you have a hobby to release stress? How do you deal with your anger and hostility? Ask yourself these questions and be content knowing that you are doing well academically, you are on the right path, and you are closer to your goal of becoming a physician with each passing day.

 

[deleted480308]

Seek out the mental health counseling at your school, they are better equipped for this than the internet. But we're rooting for you

 

[S.Rae]

Thanks, s52

I do have my boyfriend, and he's amazing. I think I internalize my fears and frustration so as not to be a burden on him, and because my friends are mostly out of college and successful and probably not concerned with my problems- and, may not be able to relate. While you're right about relaxing, there's a certain threshold of laid back that's acceptable for a medical hopeful as opposed to other paths.
I like your analogy of the marathon vs the sprint. I could do to spread myself more evenly, and be more consistent in certain areas.

 

[S.Rae]

Seek out the mental health counseling at your school, they are better equipped for this than the internet. But we're rooting for you

I knew someone would say this. I'm not crazy about mental health counseling in that setting. I'm working on the money to afford some sliding scale visits, but I'm on this forum to hear about other people's relatable experience. I find it improbable that no one here has or currently feels the same way.

 

[Goro]

You can't change the past. But it's important that you learn from it.

Does anyone else feel embarrassed of their earlier life choices, and may be struggling to mediate self-directed anger?

I grew up in a household that was poor, moved a lot, and was a little less than loving. I coped by escaping into art and music, and while i was an honors student from k-12 I certainly did not make great grades. I was a smart little ship but I was unfocused, and I started working at 16, full time (illegal, yes ) and hanging out with boys, and later, partying hard. My teachers reached out to me in the most helpful ways but I shied away, kind of knowing that while I was college smart, I wasnt college ready. I'm the first in my family to even graduate hs. I started cc three years ago at 24, wanting medicine, and I've gotten spectacular grades. But, because of my high school escapism, I never took beyond alg 2, no chemistry, no physics. I dropped ap bio (after getting an award from the science dept) for work, and graduated with a low gpa. Now I pay for it, as my undergrad is taking me forever and a half. I am loving science and I'm kicking myself for not having gotten it together back then. I feel so angry and embarrassed that as the semesters go by, I'm more and more embarrassed and angry with myself. I get As, but getting the top A is all I want. I'm terrified that even one B will mean I'm a failure. I am near tears when I get a low A- even if the class average was a C. I feel as though not getting these grades makes me less of a candidate for med school- because otherwise all I have to go on is my younger years of foolishness.

As an aside, I know that anger and hostility are unhealthy emotions, and I'm here to talk to others who feel the same, have been there and have helpful advice.

Who's with me??

 

[threesparrows]

I knew someone would say this. I'm not crazy about mental health counseling in that setting. I'm working on the money to afford some sliding scale visits, but I'm on this forum to hear about other people's relatable experience. I find it improbable that no one here has or currently feels the same way.

I think there are probably many on this forum who feel some degree of shame/regret at past choices. I do, and it caused me lots of unnecessary angst when I went to work on my AMCAS and personal statement. Honestly, counseling is the most helpful thing you could do. Its a safer place to bare your soul than the internet, and you'll make progress quickly since you seem very smart and self-aware already. If school-based counseling is the only affordable option for you at the moment, I say give it a shot until you have the funds to go elsewhere. Or find a sliding scale place that takes credit cards—it's money well spent.

It sounds like you are holding yourself to a standard of perfection now because you are so disappointed in how you performed earlier. Dealing with those emotions will help you be more reasonable with your expectations and decrease your anxiety about the future. Beating yourself up for screwing up in the past is holding you back now. Forgive yourself and move on.

 

[Drogo]

Right there with you....I dropped out of high school as well. I was very behind in credits and said to hell with it and dropped out at 18. My past came back to haunt me big time when I went back to CC at 23. I had to start literally from the bottom just taking introductory algebra, chemistry and English. It has taken me a long while to get to where I am today. But I'm very fortunate to finally be at my dream school now with grants and scholarships covering everything. Even though I've gotten my A## kicked a bit, but hey I came here to really learn my stuff and not get handed easy A's. I just started working in a clinical research lab as well and I'm very grateful to be given the chance to hang out with medical school students and MD/PhD's and other undergraduates doing research.

Do not ever hesitate to use resources wherever you find yourself. Work hard at just aim for the best you can do in your given situation. As long as you toll away, work smart, and stay humble things will generally come out ok. Next thing you'll know a few years have gone by and you'll look back like 'damn did I really accomplish all that?!'. PM me if you'd like to talk about anything. Psychotherapy has helped me a lot btw. A 'B' or a 'B+' in a difficult course is not going to mean the end of it. As long as you have the whole package (great overall sGPA, strong extracurric's etc.) that's all that matters.

 

[S.Rae]

I think there are probably many on this forum who feel some degree of shame/regret at past choices. I do, and it caused me lots of unnecessary angst when I went to work on my AMCAS and personal statement. Honestly, counseling is the most helpful thing you could do. Its a safer place to bare your soul than the internet, and you'll make progress quickly since you seem very smart and self-aware already. If school-based counseling is the only affordable option for you at the moment, I say give it a shot until you have the funds to go elsewhere. Or find a sliding scale place that takes credit cards—it's money well spent.

It sounds like you are holding yourself to a standard of perfection now because you are so disappointed in how you performed earlier. Dealing with those emotions will help you be more reasonable with your expectations and decrease your anxiety about the future. Beating yourself up for screwing up in the past is holding you back now. Forgive yourself and move on.

Thank you for a well thought out response, I appreciate this. I may look into the school counseling.

I did go speak with an academic advisor today about solidifying my undergrad path to be more or less told that I should either look into attending med school in another country or looking into other careers. I was referred to a career counselor who more or less was more supportive but was honestly informative and stated that I may not be a competitive applicant. Because of my foolishness and naivety, I have been basically completing GES for three years waiting to get to where I am now; from here my (optimistically) bachelor's degree will occur in 2019. That's a solid 8 year undergrad, most of it in CC. I am sort of losing sight and hope (Ie crushing, existential nightmare).

 

[S.Rae]

Right there with you....I dropped out of high school as well. I was very behind in credits and said to hell with it and dropped out at 18. My past came back to haunt me big time when I went back to CC at 23. I had to start literally from the bottom just taking introductory algebra, chemistry and English. It has taken me a long while to get to where I am today. But I'm very fortunate to finally be at my dream school now with grants and scholarships covering everything. Even though I've gotten my A## kicked a bit, but hey I came here to really learn my stuff and not get handed easy A's. I just started working in a clinical research lab as well and I'm very grateful to be given the chance to hang out with medical school students and MD/PhD's and other undergraduates doing research.

Do not ever hesitate to use resources wherever you find yourself. Work hard at just aim for the best you can do in your given situation. As long as you toll away, work smart, and stay humble things will generally come out ok. Next thing you'll know a few years have gone by and you'll look back like 'damn did I really accomplish all that?!'. PM me if you'd like to talk about anything. Psychotherapy has helped me a lot btw. A 'B' or a 'B+' in a difficult course is not going to mean the end of it. As long as you have the whole package (great overall sGPA, strong extracurric's etc.) that's all that matters.

Congrats to you! That's a story. I'm in almost the exact same boat, but was told today that I'm likely not going to succeed because my undergrad is taking about 8 years. How long did yours take?

 

[S.Rae]

Right there with you....I dropped out of high school as well. I was very behind in credits and said to hell with it and dropped out at 18. My past came back to haunt me big time when I went back to CC at 23. I had to start literally from the bottom just taking introductory algebra, chemistry and English. It has taken me a long while to get to where I am today. But I'm very fortunate to finally be at my dream school now with grants and scholarships covering everything. Even though I've gotten my A## kicked a bit, but hey I came here to really learn my stuff and not get handed easy A's. I just started working in a clinical research lab as well and I'm very grateful to be given the chance to hang out with medical school students and MD/PhD's and other undergraduates doing research.

Do not ever hesitate to use resources wherever you find yourself. Work hard at just aim for the best you can do in your given situation. As long as you toll away, work smart, and stay humble things will generally come out ok. Next thing you'll know a few years have gone by and you'll look back like 'damn did I really accomplish all that?!'. PM me if you'd like to talk about anything. Psychotherapy has helped me a lot btw. A 'B' or a 'B+' in a difficult course is not going to mean the end of it. As long as you have the whole package (great overall sGPA, strong extracurric's etc.) that's all that matters.

Wait, how to PM? I'm fairly green on this forum.

 

[Drogo]

Congrats to you! That's a story. I'm in almost the exact same boat, but was told today that I'm likely not going to succeed because my undergrad is taking about 8 years. How long did yours take?

Who's telling you that you're unlikely to succeed ? Who gives a F*** what others think unless that person understands where you're coming from and is on their way or are already at the place you'd like to be one day. I started in winter of 2010, so I've been at this around ~5 years, obviously having to take remedial courses has been the main reason for it taking me so long (plus I've had to work 2 jobs at times while going to school, at CC it was easy, not so much at my Uni).

Each of us has a unique story to tell, that's why the personal essay exists, to tell YOUR story and what motivated you to accomplish your goals and pursue a career medicine.

I still feel like I have a huge mountain to climb though. Just stay true to yourself and keep moving forward. I wouldn't be on these forums too much until you're pretty close to actually applying or else it can prove to be detrimental in some respects.

The only way that taking so long to finish can be a red flag is if towards the end you don't demonstrate how well you do in rigorous course loads. So just be prepared to show a nice trend towards more and more rigorous course loads as you progress and get better at studying harder material. That way you build up great study habits and show that you do have that 'academic horsepower' to succeed in medical school ( just common advice here on the forums).

You can just click on my profile and go to 'Start a conversation' and it'll let you have a private conversation with me. I've made plenty of mistakes thus far in undergrad and wouldn't mind giving any feedback if it could prove helpful for you.

 

[DepressedEngineer]

What are you majoring in op? and how soon will you graduate?

 

[S.Rae]

What are you majoring in op? and how soon will you graduate?

I'm looking at biochemistry, and will graduate in Fall 2019.

 

[Non Trad 2015]

Regret for poor choices is healthy, this produces growth and maturing.

Anger at parents is fine - although immature - but you don't control what happened.

You also don't (immediately) control the anger and critical dialgue that bubbles up from the subconscious. You do control what you do the portions of the dialgue you do control; you can ameliorate the degree and effects of tis anger with a brand of stoicism in the vein of Seneca and Montaigne, which modern therapists call CBT.

You also control how and how often you interact with your parents.

I struggle with (profound) anger at myself for poor career choices I've made, for wasted time spent chasing luxuries. The anger has (significant) merit, but there's nothing to be done about the poor choices, except fixing them in the present and in the future.

I also went through a phase where I blamed my parents for my poor choices, and although there were serious flaws in their parenting, I forgive them for those mistakes. This does not require that I interact with them; a candid inventory of the character of my father is extremely negative, and I choose to no longer interact with him.

Hope this helps 🙂 - it sounds like we've been through many of the same things and experiences. If you have access to mental health counseling at your school that's a great option, but if you have to pay for it, you'd probably benefit more from a careful study of Montaigne or Seneca than from $250 per hour for 5 years.

 

[Darth Doc]

Does anyone else feel embarrassed of their earlier life choices, and may be struggling to mediate self-directed anger?

My situation was different from yours, but painful all the same. It took me a few years and a great spouse, but I've learned to be thankful for where I am and where I'm going. If I hadn't gone through those horrible experiences I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today. I'm 35+ and just starting med school. Life is plenty long to accomplish my goals.

I think that's probably true for you too. Sure you're a few years behind where you could have been in a perfect world, but it gives you insight and strength you wouldn't have otherwise. Did you make perfect choices? No. Do any of us make perfect choices? No. Have you learned from your mistakes? Yes. Are you on a good path now? Yes.

Forgive yourself for being human.

You're not in as bad a place as you seem to think.