Spouse interfering with school/studying?!?!

[Lovemybabies]

Anyone else dealing with this? My husband says he is supportive. Yet.. today.. when he KNOWS I have a Chem final tomorrow he does nothing but start arguments.. argue with me ALL day. On top of locking the laptop, my homework, tests, notes.. cell phone, books. EVERYTHING in the car. I have 2 kids under 2.5 and today it felt like I had three kids. He goes through days like this, where one minute he's supportive and is fine with me going to school, tutoring.. or whatever. Then, there are days like today where he gets super controlling and will not let me study. Now, I'm too emotionally exhausted and upset to effectively study for my final. He just left for work and by the time the kids go to bed it will be 8pm or so. I'm just so frustrated.. He's 24.. which is still *relatively* young. Maybe this is just an immaturity thing he'll eventually get over? I'm sick of him one minute being supportive and the next minute trying to sabotage my grades.

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[ShyRem]

You're not going to like this, but he's a total jerk and if it were me, I'd seriously consider a divorce.

But it's not me. And I have no idea what you're going through because my husband was outstandingly (and still is amazingly) supportive. Almost disgustingly. Takes the kids away when I had exams coming up. Right now he's home alone with the kids while I'm on 12 weeks of away rotations and interviewing for residency. He worked graveyards for two years, got up in the middle of his night to take care of them until I got home from school, he dumped his career and started over at the bottom for my dreams.

However, studying at 8pm isn't that bad. I went through undergrad and med school basically only studying after my kids went to bed (unless my honey stayed up through his sleep time and took them away for a couple hours). It's doable. Just make sure to get organized and study smart later tonight.

And then put visine in his coffee tomorrow morning as you lovingly give him a to-go cup on his way to work tomorrow. And smile. Broadly.

 

[jinx520]

That sounds like my soon-to-be ex-husband. After he sulked for three days when I got waitlisted last cycle, I realized I could have only one--either a marriage or med school. OP, PM me if you'd like.

 

[beckhunter116]

First, off I would say that after the kids go to bed do something to relieve your tension, so that you can study later tonight. You've worked hard all semester, don't let your husbands attitude get in the way of your hardwork/sacrifice.

Next, the key to all relationships is communication. You need to plan sometime to discuss what happened today with your husband, because this can't continue to pop up over the years or it will be detrimental to your marriage. I would say that 24 is young, but he was old enough to become a husband and father, so he can't expect to act anyway he pleases. However, if you let it what happened just fade into the background he will think that it is okay to act this way. Good luck on the final!

 

[QofQuimica]

But it's not me. And I have no idea what you're going through because my husband was outstandingly (and still is amazingly) supportive. Almost disgustingly. Takes the kids away when I had exams coming up. Right now he's home alone with the kids while I'm on 12 weeks of away rotations and interviewing for residency. He worked graveyards for two years, got up in the middle of his night to take care of them until I got home from school, he dumped his career and started over at the bottom for my dreams.

You should rent him out. You'd pay off your loans in no time.

OP, I don't have any advice, since my ex and I had already parted ways long before I applied to med school. But FWIW, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Best of luck on your test tomorrow.

 

[Danae00]

.

 

[beckhunter116]

You should rent him out. You'd pay off your loans in no time.

 

[icalz]

Anyone else dealing with this? My husband says he is supportive. Yet.. today.. when he KNOWS I have a Chem final tomorrow he does nothing but start arguments.. argue with me ALL day. On top of locking the laptop, my homework, tests, notes.. cell phone, books. EVERYTHING in the car. I have 2 kids under 2.5 and today it felt like I had three kids. He goes through days like this, where one minute he's supportive and is fine with me going to school, tutoring.. or whatever. Then, there are days like today where he gets super controlling and will not let me study. Now, I'm too emotionally exhausted and upset to effectively study for my final. He just left for work and by the time the kids go to bed it will be 8pm or so. I'm just so frustrated.. He's 24.. which is still *relatively* young. Maybe this is just an immaturity thing he'll eventually get over? I'm sick of him one minute being supportive and the next minute trying to sabotage my grades.

Speaking from a guy's point of view....and this might sound silly coming from a guy, but he might be lashing out because he's hurt that you're neglecting him. I don't know what type of relationship you have and I don't know how much attention you give to the children at the expense of your husband, but small things will probably go a long way here. What I mean is, spend about 15 minutes with him before you start studying. Spend about 15 minutes with him after you study. It's not much but he only needs to have the "perception" that you're still really into him...he might feel that you guys are drifting apart and it scares him. For those 15 minutes you give him I would recommend not talking about school or talking about studying or talking about the kids....I would recommend talking about your future together (house, more kids, car, where you want to live) so that he knows that "together" is on your mind also.

If this doesn't work then I don't know what to say....you will have less time for him during med school and even less time than that once you're a resident, so it's not going to get any better.

Bottom line: just shooting from the hip, he's probably afraid he's losing you and is trying to get your attention. Divorce shouldn't be an option right now.

 

[icalz]

When a guy gets hurt his instinct is to hurt back....it may be a little immature but it is extremely common and he probably won't admit to it. Don't dismiss him as a jerk or immature.....it's when he doesn't care at all that you should worry.

 

[ChE04]

You're not going to like this, but he's a total jerk and if it were me, I'd seriously consider a divorce.

From 1 post you're pushing divorce?! Harsh!

 

[Lovemybabies]

Icalz-- I agree with what you said.. its good advice. I do alot for him to make sure he's not neglected. It seems whatever I do is not enough. He was raised where the woman did nothing but stay home and raise the kids and cater to her husband's every need and desire. Thats not me! Thats not how I was raised. It took 2 years to even CONVINCE him to let me go back to school. Then, this past year, he said he's supportive, and he really has gone beyond and out of his way for me to go to school. But then there are days like the last few where it seems he's out to sabotage my grades. Now as of this morning.. he's forbidding me to go to the final. He's locked the car and hid the keys. This is getting OLD! UGH!

 

[faith2]

My soon to be ex( we are legally seperated for 2 years Hooray) was the same way. Say he was supportive but then will pick fights, and be verbally abusive. I had enough when my daughter was 8 weeks and left. It prolonged my applying to med school, and I am doing EVERYTHING financially and physically, but this year I got into med school. If you have family support then it could be easier for you to leave because if its like this now what happens when you are in med school? You must look at the flip side as well my husband with his phd in physics decided if I am going to leave then his financial support for our daughter will not be provided. That started the back and forth to child support, and still no money. This is an important decision one that needs to be strategically made, but for me I would rather fight the world and take of my daughter on my own then come home to fight an unsupportive husband. Good Luck i hope it works out!!!!!!!!!!

 

[faith2]

FORBID????????? You are a grown woman, a mother, and a wife not a child on reprimand. Girl he has control issues, but you need to decide what you want medical school is not going to care if your husband has issues...They want productivity....What is he going to be apologetic after the final is over and your grade has sunk? please do not forget GPA is a tool needed for being a competitive applicant he gets the gasface

Icalz-- I agree with what you said.. its good advice. I do alot for him to make sure he's not neglected. It seems whatever I do is not enough. He was raised where the woman did nothing but stay home and raise the kids and cater to her husband's every need and desire. Thats not me! Thats not how I was raised. It took 2 years to even CONVINCE him to let me go back to school. Then, this past year, he said he's supportive, and he really has gone beyond and out of his way for me to go to school. But then there are days like the last few where it seems he's out to sabotage my grades. Now as of this morning.. he's forbidding me to go to the final. He's locked the car and hid the keys. This is getting OLD! UGH!

 

[ForrestG]

I think this is more than a sulky husband.

My husband waffles between supportive and not. On bad days he says things like how everything is not about me all the time when I'm annoyed at him that he isn't doing more to help. On good days he has told everyone we know that I'm going to do this and he's proud. He would never take my property or lock things away from me - he just gets grouchy and sullen with me.

That is not what your husband is doing. He's being controlling, and it's not healthy or typical. In fact, when I read your first post he reminded me of a friend's ex-husband's behavior early in their marriage. Later, he cheated on her when she was pregnant and left when their baby was 3 months old. . .after 7 yrs of marriage. I'm not saying that will happen, but if everything you're saying is true, you need to fix this.

If I were you, I would take next semester off. Get counseling with him, and get counseling without him. You need to worry about your well being and your kids first. Med school can wait a year. (I know, I know). You might be being a little unreasonable too, or he might be just be crazy, but you need to figure it out. The situation will not magically resolve itself. . .trust me, I have been married 11.5 years.

 

[faith2]

good advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this is more than a sulky husband.

My husband waffles between supportive and not. On bad days he says things like how everything is not about me all the time when I'm annoyed at him that he isn't doing more to help. On good days he has told everyone we know that I'm going to do this and he's proud. He would never take my property or lock things away from me - he just gets grouchy and sullen with me.

That is not what your husband is doing. He's being controlling, and it's not healthy or typical. In fact, when I read your first post he reminded me of a friend's ex-husband's behavior early in their marriage. Later, he cheated on her when she was pregnant and left when their baby was 3 months old. . .after 7 yrs of marriage. I'm not saying that will happen, but if everything you're saying is true, you need to fix this.

If I were you, I would take next semester off. Get counseling with him, and get counseling without him. You need to worry about your well being and your kids first. Med school can wait a year. (I know, I know). You might be being a little unreasonable too, or he might be just be crazy, but you need to figure it out. The situation will not magically resolve itself. . .trust me, I have been married 11.5 years.

 

[sindadel]

If he actually LOCKED the car, HID the keys, and FORBID you to go to the final, this is not about personality, this is about your safety. Please get out of there. Take your kids, get on a bus and go somewhere you will be safe. You can return later with some other people (preferably dad, brother etc.) to get your stuff. Controlling your access to transportation is a BIG deal.

Contact the university and tell them you need to take your exam at the rewrite date due to domestic abuse. Yes, this is abuse, and the fact that you are not reacting to it as abuse is a problem.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this - please please please treat this seriously.

 

[icalz]

Icalz-- I agree with what you said.. its good advice. I do alot for him to make sure he's not neglected. It seems whatever I do is not enough. He was raised where the woman did nothing but stay home and raise the kids and cater to her husband's every need and desire. Thats not me! Thats not how I was raised. It took 2 years to even CONVINCE him to let me go back to school. Then, this past year, he said he's supportive, and he really has gone beyond and out of his way for me to go to school. But then there are days like the last few where it seems he's out to sabotage my grades. Now as of this morning.. he's forbidding me to go to the final. He's locked the car and hid the keys. This is getting OLD! UGH!

Oh wow...this is worse than I had thought. Actively working to sabotage you is not supporting you (obviously), regardless of the statements that he makes that he is. Actions tell more truth than words: he is set against you continuing school. I don't know what to say to that because like I had stated before it only gets worse and worse as far as free time goes. Either (1) he learns to live with only seeing you every now and then, or (2) something bad is going to happen (don't know what).

If I may offer my perspective on the matter, if it comes down to having to choose between school and your husband, as bad as this sounds I really do recommend you stay with school. If you were to drop out and focus on the marriage and then years down the line the marriage fails anyways then you'll have nothing to show for your life (except the kids). I'm not a selfish person but you really do have to do what is best for you in this situation, and I do feel it is becoming a doctor. Good luck

 

[icalz]

If he actually LOCKED the car, HID the keys, and FORBID you to go to the final, this is not about personality, this is about your safety. Please get out of there. Take your kids, get on a bus and go somewhere you will be safe. You can return later with some other people (preferably dad, brother etc.) to get your stuff. Controlling your access to transportation is a BIG deal.

Contact the university and tell them you need to take your exam at the rewrite date due to domestic abuse. Yes, this is abuse, and the fact that you are not reacting to it as abuse is a problem.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this - please please please treat this seriously.

This doesn't sound a little bit alarmist to you? I'm not saying that domestic abuse isn't a big deal, but all the guy did was lock her keys in the car, not tie her up or lock her in the trunk of the car....I don't see how you could jump to the domestic abuse category so quickly. Locking her keys in the car is certainly an @$$**** thing to do, but unless he made threats or raised his hands to her I think that is a bit of a stretch.

 

[ForrestG]

. . .if it comes down to having to choose between school and your husband, as bad as this sounds I really do recommend you stay with school.

Agreed! But. . .

Like I said before, a little temporary time off to deal with the situation at hand may be necessary. I have been a mostly-straight A student except when I was a pregnant freshman. It's hard to get good grades and deal with a very stressful home situation. I mentioned previously a friend with a controlling ex. . .he did not make the divorce proceedings easy on her either. She ended up losing her job because of the time off she had to take for court, lawyers, plus taking care of her son solo when he was sick, etc. That would be an F or W in school.

 

[ForrestG]

This doesn't sound a little bit alarmist to you? I'm not saying that domestic abuse isn't a big deal, but all the guy did was lock her keys in the car, not tie her up or lock her in the trunk of the car....I don't see how you could jump to the domestic abuse category so quickly. Locking her keys in the car is certainly an @$$**** thing to do, but unless he made threats or raised his hands to her I think that is a bit of a stretch.

Maybe, but this is a public forum and no one is going to come out here and say their husband beats them or verbally abuses them nightly. People are just pointing out that his erratic controlling behavior either is abuse/borders on abuse/or could lead to abuse.

On the flip side, I have another set of friends who occassionally call the cops on each other during fights. The husband kicked the wife out of the car and made her walk home once. Hard to explain here, but they were both kind of selfish, stubborn, arrogant jerks and it really wasn't a domestic situation. So. . .it's hard to tell what's going on without all the facts. Better to err on the side of caution.

 

[faith2]

You are right control is a form of abuse. This is not a good start esp when kids are involved.

Maybe, but this is a public forum and no one is going to come out here and say their husband beats them or verbally abuses them nightly. People are just pointing out that his erratic controlling behavior either is abuse/borders on abuse/or could lead to abuse.

On the flip side, I have another set of friends who occassionally call the cops on each other during fights. The husband kicked the wife out of the car and made her walk home once. Hard to explain here, but they were both kind of selfish, stubborn, arrogant jerks and it really wasn't a domestic situation. So. . .it's hard to tell what's going on without all the facts. Better to err on the side of caution.

 

[icalz]

You are right control is a form of abuse. This is not a good start esp when kids are involved.

So when a woman says "Take out the trash or you're not getting any tonight", that's not control and therefore abuse? just kidding....trying to bring a little levity to the thread. Forrest is right, we don't know the entire story but lovemybabies does and she should really decide if he's abusing her or just annoying the hell out of her.

If there are threats of violence though she should pack up and leave (or just leave) because that will almost certainly only escalate.

 

[JoyceMD]

Wow...sounds like my soon to be ex husband. The ones that want you down are suspect. Make sure you get relaxation time within or without your home. And never give up your dream!!!

 

[ShinyDome19]

wow.. your husband == psycho.

What man in his right mind would prevent the woman he loved from pursing their dream...let alone one that will potentially make them a future sugar momma...

 

[Bones DO]

I bet he feels inferior to you because you're probably smarter than him and will make way more money than he ever will. My suggestion would be to go to a group/family therapist to get it out in the open.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

wow, it is amazing how many say this marriage is doomed. all the blame lies on the husband. none of the blame whatsoever lies on the original poster when no one knows what is really going on.

i am a father of 3 to a supportive wife. i hope to go to med school. I plan on doing everything i can, but the fact is, it isn't just about me, so i MUST approach med school in a different way. I am not a traditional student, therefore I cannot act like a traditional student. I have to take time and focus on my wife and children when it may not be the most convenient.

Do I feel like the argument was ok? No. You are right about the timing and the methods. That was wrong. But maybe you are ignoring him or not focusing on him at times when it is convenient for you. Marriage is work on both parts. Yes he does need some undivided attention and help with the children. It isn't easy being a parent and maybe he feels he is doing more than his share, or maybe you aren't showing him you do appreciate him. The fact is we see a one sided cry for help and that is all. Divorce is a major thing with detrimental effects to everybody involved, and i can't believe people are throwing it around like a decision on where they are going to dinner.

 

[faith2]

You are right I know I personally did not consider the husband's point.

wow, it is amazing how many say this marriage is doomed. all the blame lies on the husband. none of the blame whatsoever lies on the original poster when no one knows what is really going on.

i am a father of 3 to a supportive wife. i hope to go to med school. I plan on doing everything i can, but the fact is, it isn't just about me, so i MUST approach med school in a different way. I am not a traditional student, therefore I cannot act like a traditional student. I have to take time and focus on my wife and children when it may not be the most convenient.

Do I feel like the argument was ok? No. You are right about the timing and the methods. That was wrong. But maybe you are ignoring him or not focusing on him at times when it is convenient for you. Marriage is work on both parts. Yes he does need some undivided attention and help with the children. It isn't easy being a parent and maybe he feels he is doing more than his share, or maybe you aren't showing him you do appreciate him. The fact is we see a one sided cry for help and that is all. Divorce is a major thing with detrimental effects to everybody involved, and i can't believe people are throwing it around like a decision on where they are going to dinner.

 

[cher25]

Husband's point or not.. his behavior is unacceptable. Regardless of how he feels or who is at fault, locking her books in the car when she's studying for an upcoming exam and 'forbidding' her to continue school or 'letting' her go in the first place is unacceptable and immature behavior.

She's not his child, she's his wife.

 

[beckhunter116]

My concern is what if there was an emergency and you needed to take one of your children to the hospital and your husband had taken the keys with him.

Really, this is beyond him being immature. While it may not be abuse, it borders on it and it is typical controlling behavior. You really need to have some serious conversations with him, if you haven't already, and discuss all of this.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

i am aware of that and as I said, I agree that the methods were out of line. But it needs to be a discussion between her and her husband, not a bunch of random strangers on a message board. They need to make his feelings known and find a common ground where they can both be happy.

 

[Lovemybabies]

Thank you for everybody’s advice. He did eventually let me go to my final at the last possible minute(after playing mind-games all morning). I don’t feel I did very well, it was really hard to get everything done in the time limit L but we’ll see! I needed at least an 80 to get an A in the course . Anyways.. We have a lot of issues to work out in our marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father (most of the time). The good far outweighs the bad. But, if it came down to it I would choose school over him. The reason being is I am completely dependent on him right now financially. So, down the road, if we do divorce, or if something happens to him (death, injury.. etc), I want to be able to support myself and my family if I had to. Also, more than anything, I want something to show for my life. Right now, I don’t have a life outside of my family. He views my having “friends” or going to school, or talking to anyone outside of him and the kids (even my own family) as my “gaining independence from him” He thinks that every action I make outside of the home is somehow some kind of plot or scheme to leave him. His controlling spells usually only last a few hours to a day or so, but I feel when he does appear to be controlling its because of his irrational thought process. So he is “supportive” of me going to school, but he thinks that the only reason I’m doing it is so that I can leave him (This is waht he's told me). If I did end up leaving him after school, (or anytime in the future) it wouldn’t be because that was my “plan all along” it would be because of a real reason, whatever that may be. He definitely thinks that if I'm fully dependent on him that I would never leave him (thats not true).. nor is it true that I would leave him if I was completely independent. We obviously have a lot to discuss and it would probably be extremely beneficial to seek the services of a marriage counselor. I'm not without faults either, and I'm sure there are things we can both work on individually to strenthen our marriage.

 

[Lovemybabies]

Husband's point or not.. his behavior is unacceptable. Regardless of how he feels or who is at fault, locking her books in the car when she's studying for an upcoming exam and 'forbidding' her to continue school or 'letting' her go in the first place is unacceptable and immature behavior.

She's not his child, she's his wife.

I completely agree..

 

[Crelal]

Thank you for everybody's advice. He did eventually let me go to my final at the last possible minute(after playing mind-games all morning). I don't feel I did very well, it was really hard to get everything done in the time limit L but we'll see! I needed at least an 80 to get an A in the course . Anyways.. We have a lot of issues to work out in our marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father (most of the time). The good far outweighs the bad. But, if it came down to it I would choose school over him. The reason being is I am completely dependent on him right now financially. So, down the road, if we do divorce, or if something happens to him (death, injury.. etc), I want to be able to support myself and my family if I had to. Also, more than anything, I want something to show for my life. Right now, I don't have a life outside of my family. He views my having "friends" or going to school, or talking to anyone outside of him and the kids (even my own family) as my "gaining independence from him" He thinks that every action I make outside of the home is somehow some kind of plot or scheme to leave him. His controlling spells usually only last a few hours to a day or so, but I feel when he does appear to be controlling its because of his irrational thought process. So he is "supportive" of me going to school, but he thinks that the only reason I'm doing it is so that I can leave him (This is waht he's told me). If I did end up leaving him after school, (or anytime in the future) it wouldn't be because that was my "plan all along" it would be because of a real reason, whatever that may be. He definitely thinks that if I'm fully dependent on him that I would never leave him (thats not true).. nor is it true that I would leave him if I was completely independent. We obviously have a lot to discuss and it would probably be extremely beneficial to seek the services of a marriage counselor. I'm not without faults either, and I'm sure there are things we can both work on individually to strenthen our marriage.

Obviously I do not have the whole story here, but FWIW, as a former social worker, the behaviors you are describing and your reaction to them are scary. There is a difference between him being scared of losing you and controlling you. One involves communication, the other results in mind games and fits of anger. He is grown, do not make excuses for his temper tantrums.

PLEASE take this seriously. We just had two domestic violence incidents in the last week here. One involved a man shooting his girlfriend b/c she would not have sex with him. He then shot his two kids (7 and 8) because they tried to stop him. All three survived.

In a separate incident, a man shot and killed his 23 month old child and three year old child, and their respective mothers. He then shot and killed himself, not wanting them to live w/o him, according to police/media.

Both had histories of controlling types of behaviors, but no 'red flags' of past violence.

If your husband is not physically violent, he sounds as if he is a step away from being violent. Assess what is happening and really look at his behavior. There are times my husband, as great as he is, gets on my nerves, but if he locked me out of the car, forbid me to attend an exam, or repeatedly and intentionally took me away from studying, he would come home to (his) packed bags and a one-way plane ticket back to mommy. You and your children deserve better.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

looking more into the situation, i may have been wrong. i do not think this is a healthy relationship. but i think you should talk to someone. I am old fashioned and when i got married, i got married for life. sure things can happen, but i don't even consider the possibility of my wife and i not being together in the future.

but this is not your fault. it may be a product of the situation and his actions do seem almost textbook "pre-violent behavior" when it comes to relationships. so definitely see someone to help you guys out. for the kids. good luck and hopefully you can get this worked out so your schooling doesn't suffer.

another concern i have (and this is simply my opinion alone) is that I would never choose school over my wife and children. Ever. No matter what it was. Maybe you should look at if you made the right choice in the first place. And this is definitely something a counselor can help with.

 

[maxwell0]

Thank you for everybody’s advice. He did eventually let me go to my final at the last possible minute(after playing mind-games all morning). I don’t feel I did very well, it was really hard to get everything done in the time limit L but we’ll see! I needed at least an 80 to get an A in the course . Anyways.. We have a lot of issues to work out in our marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father (most of the time). The good far outweighs the bad. But, if it came down to it I would choose school over him. The reason being is I am completely dependent on him right now financially. So, down the road, if we do divorce, or if something happens to him (death, injury.. etc), I want to be able to support myself and my family if I had to. Also, more than anything, I want something to show for my life. Right now, I don’t have a life outside of my family. He views my having “friends” or going to school, or talking to anyone outside of him and the kids (even my own family) as my “gaining independence from him” He thinks that every action I make outside of the home is somehow some kind of plot or scheme to leave him. His controlling spells usually only last a few hours to a day or so, but I feel when he does appear to be controlling its because of his irrational thought process. So he is “supportive” of me going to school, but he thinks that the only reason I’m doing it is so that I can leave him (This is waht he's told me). If I did end up leaving him after school, (or anytime in the future) it wouldn’t be because that was my “plan all along” it would be because of a real reason, whatever that may be. He definitely thinks that if I'm fully dependent on him that I would never leave him (thats not true).. nor is it true that I would leave him if I was completely independent. We obviously have a lot to discuss and it would probably be extremely beneficial to seek the services of a marriage counselor. I'm not without faults either, and I'm sure there are things we can both work on individually to strenthen our marriage.

Honey, if you would choose school over him, he is not the one for you. But I do think you'd be making the right decision. Nobody would tell me I couldn't talk to my family or friends. Your flippant attitude about the situation is worrisome. Leave the bastard.

 

[Lovemybabies]

Yes, unfortunately I don't think theres an easy answer to any of this. THank you to everyone on here who has been so supportive and offering their advice. I really don't have anybody to talk to, so its nice to vent here without being judged etc. I talked to my husband and he agreed that we will go to counseling. THe thought of our marriage turning out in violence scares me to death.. especially for the kids. We need to get our marriage straightened out before anything else.. thats for sure. On a more positive note.. I made a 104 on my Chem final I almost didnt go to and that made my night. My final average is a 98. So relieved. I have 3 more finals this week and hopefully after this week some of the stress in our home will be gone!

 

[ShyRem]

If he thinks a chem class is tough, y'all will never survive med school.

 

[Lovemybabies]

If he thinks a chem class is tough, y'all will never survive med school.

I know it *sigh*

 

[Concubine]

Either way work it out now, medical school will be MUCH more demanding and put a lot of stress on your marriage. If you don't have a strong foundation & good communication, you are in for a rough ride.

 

[cher25]

THe thought of our marriage turning out in violence scares me to death.. especially for the kids. We need to get our marriage straightened out before anything else.. thats for sure.

The sooner you guys seek help/start counseling, the better. Especially for the sake of the kids. You don't want them to start picking up on these sorts of behavior patterns seen in both you and your husband.

Congrats on the chem test btw.

 

[icalz]

Thank you for everybody’s advice. He did eventually let me go to my final at the last possible minute(after playing mind-games all morning). I don’t feel I did very well, it was really hard to get everything done in the time limit L but we’ll see! I needed at least an 80 to get an A in the course . Anyways.. We have a lot of issues to work out in our marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father (most of the time). The good far outweighs the bad. But, if it came down to it I would choose school over him. The reason being is I am completely dependent on him right now financially. So, down the road, if we do divorce, or if something happens to him (death, injury.. etc), I want to be able to support myself and my family if I had to. Also, more than anything, I want something to show for my life. Right now, I don’t have a life outside of my family. He views my having “friends” or going to school, or talking to anyone outside of him and the kids (even my own family) as my “gaining independence from him” He thinks that every action I make outside of the home is somehow some kind of plot or scheme to leave him. His controlling spells usually only last a few hours to a day or so, but I feel when he does appear to be controlling its because of his irrational thought process. So he is “supportive” of me going to school, but he thinks that the only reason I’m doing it is so that I can leave him (This is waht he's told me). If I did end up leaving him after school, (or anytime in the future) it wouldn’t be because that was my “plan all along” it would be because of a real reason, whatever that may be. He definitely thinks that if I'm fully dependent on him that I would never leave him (thats not true).. nor is it true that I would leave him if I was completely independent. We obviously have a lot to discuss and it would probably be extremely beneficial to seek the services of a marriage counselor. I'm not without faults either, and I'm sure there are things we can both work on individually to strenthen our marriage.

This reinforces perfectly what I had said before about him being hurt and afraid of losing you...he gets hurt and his initial reaction is to hurt back or just do something to get attention from you. If he's agreed to counseling with you then that is a big plus. I hope you guys work it out. However, if he's not in a medically related profession and he can't relate to your job on any level then that is going to invariably result in even more distance between you two. I know of a couple of relationships where this was the case, and unfortunately they both ended up in divorce.

 

[NTF]

On top of locking the laptop, my homework, tests, notes.. cell phone, books. EVERYTHING in the car.

If he did this on purpose that's not immature that's seriously effed up.

 

[BennieBlanco]

if he did this on purpose that's not immature that's seriously effed up.

+1

 

[faith2]

On a lighter note congrats on the final....I hope you do well on the rest of them...

 

[EdLongshanks]

I know it *sigh*

I believe in marriage. I believe in people finding out what it takes to work it out and I'm sorry that you have come to the place where school is more important than your marriage. I really believe these things. When I talk on general principles with troubled people I keep repeating things like this. On the other hand, your husband's behavior is way, way, way over the line. If you were my daughter (I have a daughter of marrying age) I would tell you to let him know where the line is and then back it up.

I have a wife who stays at home and cares for me and, now that our children are older, mainly me. I want her doing this; it's very comfortable for me and I like it. There is nothing wrong with your husband desiring this. But when he tries to enforce his desires through passive physical force he is edging upon commiting not only a wrong act, but an illegal one. He needs to know how far over the line he stepped.

With only a posting on an internet chat board, we cannot know his motivations. But it is possible that he feels threatened by a wife who is brighter than him. This is very hard for a certain type of male personality to handle. For that matter, even some wives can feel threatened by a well-educated husband.

From your comments, you seem to be contemplating leaving him. This is a horrible thing to have happened. These thoughts, once contempated, are always present. Your husband senses this (you may even have said this to him) and now he is really scared. This fear may result in a downward spiral of fights, controlling fits and eventual destruction of the home either legally or violently.

But there may be an escape from this cycle. Maybe the fear can motivate him to change. This would have to be a decision on his part to make this happen, it's not automatic.

I was talking to a controlling husband the other day whose wife had thrown him out because of his behavior. I reminded him of what we all did as children when we got a new pet. We tried to make it love us by holding it real tight and close. But this never works.

Love can only grow in freedom.

 

[298116]

My parents had a nasty divorce after 23 years of marriage. They are still suing each other now... years later.

Long story short: They always fought, but it got really bad when my mom went into the workforce. They were married at 18, had two kids by the time they were my age (22), third kid by 26. She was a stay-at-home mom until my younger brother went to school. I think a lot of their problems were a result of immaturity, but my dad was "machismo", wanting the 50s lifestyle that his parents had. Very similar to your situation. Regardless, your kids will remember everything. I was very depressed as a kid and begged my mom to leave my dad over and over. Then one day HE decided to leave and take no responsibility. He stopped paying for EVERYTHING. As the main source of income for our family, our house was foreclosed, vehicles repossessed, and my siblings and I do not have a relationship with our dad at all.

I would recommend counseling NOW if you want to save your marriage, and if you want your kids to have healthy relationships with the both of you. But if you're having problems, the longer you postpone addressing the core of the problem, the worse it will be. My parents have been battling in court since I was 16. It has been very stressful and hurtful, but what really breaks my heart is seeing my mother go through all of this.

Just something to think about.

 

[dotdash]

Lovemybabies, have you ever been afraid of this man? You don't have to answer here, but answer for yourself. Because if you have, you need to think very very carefully. If you are away from him, does he call or text you all the time? He is exerting physical and emotional control over you and exhibiting a willingness to act against your interest to satisfy his emotional needs -- that is very serious. Do you have a parent or a priest or a rabbi or a sibling you can talk to about this?

 

[womp]

I've said it time and time again: I will never date a med student. It would end disastrously with me at the end feeling completely neglected and resentful. It really takes a special breed of person who can survive their spouse being in med school.

I just hope you fully appreciate the lifestyle you are asking him to have.

Um.. it's not that bad, this lifestyle. Most people in their 20s who aren't in medical school but working full-time don't have much of a "lifestyle" either aside from watching TV, playing on the Internet, hanging out with friends and the occasional night out.

You have to be pretty damn needy and selfish if you can't handle your spouse getting an education and helping others.

 

[jinx520]

lovemybabies, every thing you have written sounds like something I could've written about my own situation. I'm a devout Catholic, married in church, and don't believe in divorce. However, during the course of several years of marriage counseling, with six priests and three deacons telling me that he was emotionally abusive, I finally accepted that what I had with him wasn't a true marriage, no matter how much I wanted it to be.

There is nothing wrong with being independent from your husband. In fact, you SHOULD be independent. I'm not talking about living a life totally separate from your husband here, but being a fully functional, individual entity in your own right. Everyone has insecurities regarding losing our loved ones, but a rational person will recognize that as a personal problem. Instead, he is trying to change YOUR behavior in order to fix HIS issue. Why does he not want you to fulfil your God-given potential or to pursue a goal that would make you happy? And why don't you love yourself enough to realize his behavior is demeaning, abusive, and unacceptable? I'm not trying to judge you, I've had to ask myself these same questions and the answers aren't pretty.

Ask yourself this--if your daughter wanted to become a doctor and her husband wouldn't
"let" her, how would you feel about that?

I'm glad that you're going to counseling. I hope you guys can work it out. but if he refuses to take any personal responsibility for his actions, it's a bad sign. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Good luck, I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[sumstorm]

Icalz-- I agree with what you said.. its good advice. I do alot for him to make sure he's not neglected. It seems whatever I do is not enough. He was raised where the woman did nothing but stay home and raise the kids and cater to her husband's every need and desire. Thats not me! Thats not how I was raised. It took 2 years to even CONVINCE him to let me go back to school. Then, this past year, he said he's supportive, and he really has gone beyond and out of his way for me to go to school. But then there are days like the last few where it seems he's out to sabotage my grades. Now as of this morning.. he's forbidding me to go to the final. He's locked the car and hid the keys. This is getting OLD! UGH!

I am normally all for working on the relationship, but that is red flag scary. No one should be that controlling of another competent adult. My STRONG recommendation is counseling for both of you, because that is NOT ok by any means. I realize it probably doens't feel like there is time, energy, or money for counseling, but that level of control borders on mentally abusive.

I love my husband, but he was pretty 'old fashioned' in a lot of his views when we first met. We didn't date much at first becase of it, and he had to change his views for us to get married. There are still days that he falls into old habits, but when called on it, he is pretty good about stepping up, acknowledging the mental framework he is operating under isn't ok for our relationship, and moving forward. He was part of the decision to go to vet school...he got to share his concerns and fears, but I never needed his permission. He would never dream of ruining a semester of work by that type of power play, even on his worst day. And we have had a lot of junk going on around and between us since I got into school.