Supporting parents - when to cut them off?

[Bloobury]

Is anyone else out supporting their parents financially? Whether it's a few dollars here and there, a couple hundred bucks in a pinch, or full-on paying for their housing/groceries/other living expenses, I'd love to hear from you.

I've been supporting my parents essentially forever, and have given them thousands of dollars to help keep them fed and housed. I've been really frugal and have paid off my undergrad debt, but now I'm about to start medical school and have been trying to save a little to cover some of my cost of living. But since I have a comfortable income and money in the bank right now, how can I turn away my parents when they call and ask for money to cover the bills? I've tried talking to them about figuring out how to get their lives to a sustainable place where they are able to live within their extremely limited means (they have no retirement savings), but it's been futile (for lots of reasons).

Anyone have any experience in setting financial boundaries with your parents or other loved ones?

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[Goro]

No other siblings who can help? Extended family?

 

[zorcandpals]

The youtuber joshua fluke talks in great detail about having to cut his family off. Granted he seems to have had a much poorer relationship with them, his experience could be useful to you.

 

[Bloobury]

No other siblings who can help? Extended family?

Pretty small family, siblings are doing "ok" (enough to live on but not much to spare) and can (and do) help out sometimes. I just feel bad being in the "best" position to help, especially given that I think the opinion is now "well, Bloob's gonna be a doctor and can afford it". My mom just bypasses my siblings and goes straight to me when she needs money to fix the car, buy groceries, whatever.

 

[Goro]

Pretty small family, siblings are doing "ok" (enough to live on but not much to spare) and can (and do) help out sometimes. I just feel bad being in the "best" position to help, especially given that I think the opinion is now "well, Bloob's gonna be a doctor and can afford it". My mom just bypasses my siblings and goes straight to me when she needs money to fix the car, buy groceries, whatever.

I suggest giving them a deadline in that "at this point, as a medical student, I'll no longer have much disposable income, and won't be able to help you financially".

And in all truth, being a med student requires you to be somewhat selfish. You can't always run home every time there is an emergency.

So, you siblings are going to have to step up and do the heavy lifting now.

Also let them know that being resident doesn't exactly mean that you'll be rolling in cash, either.

Are you taking out loans?

 

[Bloobury]

I suggest giving them a deadline in that "at this point, as a medical student, I'll no longer have much disposable income, and won't be able to help you financially".

And in all truth, being a med student requires you to be somewhat selfish. You can't always run home every time there is an emergency.

So, you siblings are going to have to step up and do the heavy lifting now.

Also let them know that being resident doesn't exactly mean that you'll be rolling in cash, either.

Are you taking out loans?

That's good advice. I think you're right that I should just be direct and upfront. I have a small amount of savings but am planning to primarily rely on loans for school.

 

[Means]

On top of what Goro said, it is crucial you set boundaries with your parents now because it will likely only get worse when you are making attending $$.

 

[Goro]

That's good advice. I think you're right that I should just be direct and upfront. I have a small amount of savings but am planning to primarily rely on loans for school.

Somehow, see if you and your siblings can get your parents to meet with a financial planning expert.

 

[jhmmd]

Is anyone else out supporting their parents financially? Whether it's a few dollars here and there, a couple hundred bucks in a pinch, or full-on paying for their housing/groceries/other living expenses, I'd love to hear from you.

I've been supporting my parents essentially forever, and have given them thousands of dollars to help keep them fed and housed. I've been really frugal and have paid off my undergrad debt, but now I'm about to start medical school and have been trying to save a little to cover some of my cost of living. But since I have a comfortable income and money in the bank right now, how can I turn away my parents when they call and ask for money to cover the bills? I've tried talking to them about figuring out how to get their lives to a sustainable place where they are able to live within their extremely limited means (they have no retirement savings), but it's been futile (for lots of reasons).

Anyone have any experience in setting financial boundaries with your parents or other loved ones?

Shove 'em in a nursing home
/SARCASM!!!!!!!
Don't you care enough about your parents / want to take care of them? Sheesh.

 

[emergentmd]

Only you can make this decision based on your relationship and what they have done for you. I mean how else does someone answer this questino?

If your parents were terrible leaches who spent money like the congress driving around in high performance cars living in a gated community on top of the hill, then cut them off.

If they spent their last dime putting you through college and providing everything you needed sacrificing their retirement and now just lost their jobs doing everything they can to get back on their feet then you must be the biggest troll to cut them off.

I really never understand people asking others for advice where the question is unanswerable and no matter what, you are the one who will have to live with the decision.

 

[Bloobury]

Only you can make this decision based on your relationship and what they have done for you. I mean how else does someone answer this questino?

If your parents were terrible leaches who spent money like the congress driving around in high performance cars living in a gated community on top of the hill, then cut them off.

If they spent their last dime putting you through college and providing everything you needed sacrificing their retirement and now just lost their jobs doing everything they can to get back on their feet then you must be the biggest troll to cut them off.

I really never understand people asking others for advice where the question is unanswerable and no matter what, you are the one who will have to live with the decision.

I know. And that's why I asked "Anyone have any experience in setting financial boundaries with your parents or other loved ones?", and not "what should *I* personally do?"

I want to hear from other people who may have had to think about these things and how they handled it, resources they looked to, and how the conversation went, if they did talk to their parents about what kind of support they can/can't give.

My parents were poor and contributed nothing toward my college education (they didn't have anything to give). I appreciate that they kept me (mostly) clothed, fed, warm. They worked hard for most of my life, but didn't work smart. They made stupid decisions. Sometimes they were really selfish. They suffer(ed) from untreated mental health issues and addictions. I'm not ungrateful for what they were able to provide for me, but I also don't feel at all obligated to try to save them from the situations they're in, even if they aren't entirely at fault.

It's a really hard place to be - because I don't want to see them suffer, but I also have to draw the line somewhere of how much I'm willing to give. That's where hearing from other folks is useful - it's both validating (that I'm not the only one going through this) and informative.

 

[jhmmd]

I know. And that's why I asked "Anyone have any experience in setting financial boundaries with your parents or other loved ones?", and not "what should *I* personally do?"

I want to hear from other people who may have had to think about these things and how they handled it, resources they looked to, and how the conversation went, if they did talk to their parents about what kind of support they can/can't give.

My parents were poor and contributed nothing toward my college education (they didn't have anything to give). I appreciate that they kept me (mostly) clothed, fed, warm. They worked hard for most of my life, but didn't work smart. They made stupid decisions. Sometimes they were really selfish. They suffer(ed) from untreated mental health issues and addictions. I'm not ungrateful for what they were able to provide for me, but I also don't feel at all obligated to try to save them from the situations they're in, even if they aren't entirely at fault.

It's a really hard place to be - because I don't want to see them suffer, but I also have to draw the line somewhere of how much I'm willing to give. That's where hearing from other folks is useful - it's both validating (that I'm not the only one going through this) and informative.

Sounds like you have your answer.

 

[Bloobury]

not really. It is all you know and you do what you have to do. As stated by others this decision is really personal and no one can answer for you.

I was raised dirt poor. Started working at age 15, contributed to finances of the household, took 2 city buses to go to school, another bus to go to my high school job after classes, I was first in family to finish grammar school, high school, college and no one at home spoke English. I paid for my college while parents scraped by, and when they attended my college graduation, it was the first time they visited my college because it was so far away from home. They did not understand a word that my professors at graduation weekend told them due to language barriers. Fast forward years later, I got a job, earned 6 figures and bought my parents things they needed. But here is the thing: they never asked me, they often rejected my help, and all they wanted was for me to be happy. Before they died, they disclosed a secret private savings account they had created for me when I was a child, and it had accrued significantly. That was the type of people they were. My parents preferred to wear polyester pants, plastic shoes, worn blouses and shirts, and drive beat up used cars because, as I stated earlier, it’s all that we knew. We saw nothing wrong with it. Fact is I never knew I was poor until others told me in college in another state

again, I don’t know your situation and maybe you’re just trolling. Poverty isn’t fun but when love is present in the home, that makes you truly rich.

Wow, that is a beautiful story. I relate to a lot of it. <3

Thank you for sharing.

 

[emergentmd]

I am asian and that is what many do. You may think you are supporting them, but that is their way of "saving" money for you. I know well off parents who charges their kids rent to live in rentals they have. They take that money and put it into savings for the. People may think this is harsh but they do not know the background.

Bottom line is do what will help you sleep well at night. Only you can answer that regardless of what others have done in your circumstance.

If cutting them off and not having to deal with "being taken advantage of" makes you sleep better then cut them off.

If supporting them 100% helps you sleep better, then support them.

If giving them a 1500/mo stipend to pay for basics needs helps you sleep better, then that is your number.

If you really want what others would do, then this is what I would. If I could afford $1500/mo, I would sit down with them. Tell them I am only able give them $1500/mo towards rent/all needs and if that is not enough to live on, then I will find them an apt for $700/mo and $800/mo is plenty to live on. That is just me b/c I would sleep better knowing that they are not on the streets.

 

[jhmmd]

I am asian and that is what many do. You may think you are supporting them, but that is their way of "saving" money for you. I know well off parents who charges their kids rent to live in rentals they have. They take that money and put it into savings for the. People may think this is harsh but they do not know the background.

Bottom line is do what will help you sleep well at night. Only you can answer that regardless of what others have done in your circumstance.

If cutting them off and not having to deal with "being taken advantage of" makes you sleep better then cut them off.

If supporting them 100% helps you sleep better, then support them.

If giving them a 1500/mo stipend to pay for basics needs helps you sleep better, then that is your number.

If you really want what others would do, then this is what I would. If I could afford $1500/mo, I would sit down with them. Tell them I am only able give them $1500/mo towards rent/all needs and if that is not enough to live on, then I will find them an apt for $700/mo and $800/mo is plenty to live on. That is just me b/c I would sleep better knowing that they are not on the streets.

Why not just live with your parents and take care of them yourself? That's cheaper.

 

[emergentmd]

Why not just live with your parents and take care of them yourself? That's cheaper.

Again it comes down to what helps you sleep better at night. I am not sure living under the same roof as my parents if I can afford their basic needs would help me sleep better.

Bottom line is do what helps you sleep better at night.

 

[jhmmd]

Again it comes down to what helps you sleep better at night. I am not sure living under the same roof as my parents if I can afford their basic needs would help me sleep better.

Bottom line is do what helps you sleep better at night.

Yea I heard u the first time

 

[hmockingbird]

The only example I can give you is I had a friend in med school who grew up poor and still had a sibling at home. They wanted to help their sibling (and family in general) so would send some of their loan (cost of living allowance) money to their family each month. From my perspective, being honest sometimes I felt like they were putting themselves at a disadvantage to support their family. But, it was really important to them, and their sibling did seem to benefit from the support. And I’ve never had to make that decision myself so I thought it wasn’t my place to judge. Friend is now a successful attending.