Surgeon Spousal problems??!!

[Samurai0>>]

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Have any of you working Surgeons or Residents had any serious problems with spouses or significant others concerning working hours or anything else reltaed to your profession????

 

[dry dre]

Have any of you working Surgeons or Residents had any serious problems with spouses or significant others concerning working hours or anything else reltaed to your profession????

Avoid spousal problems by not showing up at home before you're supposed to arrive.

 

[fourthyear]

I believe most problems can be avoided by understanding the lifestyle you are planning to get into before you get into it AND having a spouse who understands this too. People should not choose surgery if they don't think their spouse/sig other will be able to be understanding of the demands. Or, if they haven't yet found a spouse, they should look for one who is honestly going to be accepting of this. If you're going to be in trouble every time you come home late - this is either not the career for you or not the sig other for you.

Also, it is on the part of the resident to spend the quality time with the spouse when they do have time off. We all need to read/study. But when we arent' working or doing that, we need to give our spouse lots of attention - go out socially with them, make time to talk about their day, thank them for things they do for you, etc. Call them if you get a few quiet minutes on call just to let them know you miss them. These little things aren't hard to do I don't think, but they go a long way in keeping each other happy.

 

[RadHopeful]

I believe most problems can be avoided by understanding the lifestyle you are planning to get into before you get into it AND having a spouse who understands this too. People should not choose surgery if they don't think their spouse/sig other will be able to be understanding of the demands. Or, if they haven't yet found a spouse, they should look for one who is honestly going to be accepting of this. If you're going to be in trouble every time you come home late - this is either not the career for you or not the sig other for you.

Also, it is on the part of the resident to spend the quality time with the spouse when they do have time off. We all need to read/study. But when we arent' working or doing that, we need to give our spouse lots of attention - go out socially with them, make time to talk about their day, thank them for things they do for you, etc. Call them if you get a few quiet minutes on call just to let them know you miss them. These little things aren't hard to do I don't think, but they go a long way in keeping each other happy.

I agree wholeheartedly wih the above comments. My wife did a rather brutal preliminary year of medicine prior to starting her dermatology residency this year. She was always gone and I usually came home to an empty house at night. We had very little time together. However, the time we did spend together was always precious and worth it. She would always call home during call days and I would often times visit with her during the day.

 

[ArmCandy]

Avoid spousal problems by not showing up at home before you're supposed to arrive.

I hope you don't speak from experience.

 

[pre-doc]

My wife and i are both residents, unfortunately at separate programs. We were married quite young (just barely out of college and we graduated early) and have been together all through medical school and now into residency. Too be honest, at times, our schedule absolutely sucks. for example, this month, we are both on call q4. the trouble is is that we are on call back to back, so i basically see her once every three days. However, we knew that it would be like this going in, which, i think is very important. you have to be upfront and honest with one another and the expectations. in addition, as was previously mentioned, you must take advantage of any free time you may have together. Trust me, these moments may not come too often so take full advantage! i just had my first day off with my wife after three weeks! Finally, try to call them as much as possible and always tell them how important they are to you.

Oh, one other thing that helps - i live very close to the hospital so when i am on call, my wife often brings food and we eat dinner together. those 5-10 minutes are pretty nice.

 

[Winged Scapula]

I believe most problems can be avoided by understanding the lifestyle you are planning to get into before you get into it AND having a spouse who understands this too. People should not choose surgery if they don't think their spouse/sig other will be able to be understanding of the demands. Or, if they haven't yet found a spouse, they should look for one who is honestly going to be accepting of this. If you're going to be in trouble every time you come home late - this is either not the career for you or not the sig other for you.

Also, it is on the part of the resident to spend the quality time with the spouse when they do have time off. We all need to read/study. But when we arent' working or doing that, we need to give our spouse lots of attention - go out socially with them, make time to talk about their day, thank them for things they do for you, etc. Call them if you get a few quiet minutes on call just to let them know you miss them. These little things aren't hard to do I don't think, but they go a long way in keeping each other happy.

Excellent advice. My SO and I are both in same field, which helps...he knew exactly what I was doing (and wasn't suprised) when I'd call home and say I'd be late and rarely complained when I was later than I'd said I'd be (this was in the days prior to work hour revisions when I was an intern and he was a more senior resident).

Things have changed now...his fellowship program is rigorous, he works more hours than I do (and frankly violates work hours) so we see a lot less of each other (especially since we're in different cities now). But we still talk everyday, he puts the cats on the phone to say "hello" to me, send emails or packages in the mail, and we drive back and forth as frequently as we can. Its tiring and frankly sometimes you just don't feel like making the effort, but if your relationship is worth it, sleep is not a tradeable commodity for happiness, IMHO.

Always call your SO when you're on call, even if its just for a few minutes. Some smart friends/colleagues of mine wait to do their studying until their SO has gone to sleep (which means late nights, but if your relationship survives, its worth it) or is otherwise busy. They always spend time together at the end of the day, when they first walk in the door and don't head straight for the books, the bottle or the tv!

That said, I've seen several marriages break up (here and elsewhere) because of inattention. Its easy to come home and not give your SO any time because you're so exhausted, and sometimes its easier to stay at the hospital and avoid problems and/or work at home. Unfortunately, that only makes things worse and in the end, the problems are magnified by that kind of behavior.

 

[Foxxy Cleopatra]

Have any of you working Surgeons or Residents had any serious problems with spouses or significant others concerning working hours or anything else reltaed to your profession????

Yes. The few relationships I have pursued since starting residency have not worked out simply because I have no time. S.O.'s tend not to like it when you are not available to do anything for weeks on end. Unlike medical school where you may do a grueling month or 2 on a surgery rotation, residency has the potential to be like that almost every month. 2/3 of the time, I am either on-call or post-call and absolutely exhausted. Then there are the months where I go to work before 5 and get home at 9 or later at night. I'll be frank, it would take an absolutely exceptional and compromising individual to allow a relationship to either develop or survive a surgical residency.

 

[dr.evil]

I agree with all of the above. That's some great advice and examples.

It may actually be more difficult to sustain a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend than to be married during surgical residency. My wife knew what she was getting into. She also gets to see me a little when I come home. Granted, I may be sleeping but it's better than not seeing them at all.

Residency can be tough at times but it ends up working out for most of us.

 

[sandman1]

I'm a gas guy but I saw this post from my 'surgery bruthas from anutha mutha' and thought I'd chime in.

You all have very good points. I think that the most importanat thing is to find someone who is supportive and trustworthy.

I found myself rushing into moving in with a girlfriend who was a flight attendant (my first mistake). I had not shared a home with her yet but we moved to a new town together for the begining of my intern year. I was just comming out of my MS4 year and everything happened kind of fast. There were some red-flags for sure but I'm such an idiot that I let them slide. Turns out that she had been on various psych meds, crumped when we faced any adversity, and shifted blame for anything and everything on me. Worse were the times she was out of town and I would reach her at her hotel and she would be drunk with some other guy knocking on her door. She moved out finally and went back to the rock she crawled out of and then traveled back across state lines in order to burglarize my home.

Moral of the story is to be sure you lock-in with someone good and stable. You guys have a long and brutal road to hoe. Don't make the mistakes I did - life is short and you don't need the nonsense.

I agree with all of the above. That's some great advice and examples.

It may actually be more difficult to sustain a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend than to be married during surgical residency. My wife knew what she was getting into. She also gets to see me a little when I come home. Granted, I may be sleeping but it's better than not seeing them at all.

Residency can be tough at times but it ends up working out for most of us.

 

[cooldreams]

easy solution... dont do "it"... 😴