Taking Plan B and how it's going

[pethuman]

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It's me again. I'm a two-times failed vet school applicant who decided that 30 was creeping up on me fast and I still had no career, so I took Plan B.

Up and moved to a different state to get my master's in public health epidemiology. Thought that working in a human hospital as an infection preventionist would be a better fit. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but there's this nagging in the back of my mind when I see the white coat that I could've had one too.

I still think about vet school. In fact, I'm thinking about trying again when I'm done with my master's. Husband isn't so crazy about the idea. In fact he is ultra non-supportive. He thinks I should stop at Master's and just keep working so I can finally make money.

Makes sense, but I can still hear the tick tock tick tock in my head. It's time to buy a house, start raising a family, get rid of the 13 year old car and get a new one that actually has a plug for an ipod and automatic windows, etc etc. Who's putting this pressure on me? I am, I guess.

I've read the threads about "fresh starts" and "career changes" but I still feel uncertain. I feel like the husband is not encouraging my dreams and why should I have to give up on them just to pop out a kid? I feel it's a bit unfair that because I have a uterus I have to choose between career and family.

And why didn't vet school want me? I know I could do it. I'm smart enough. It just....meh.

Anyone in a similar situation or have words of advice?

 

[kernel]

"It's never too late."

 

[hellokitty89]

Personally, I would choose the path where I would be happiest. I would not be happy if in twenty years I still had that nagging feeling of, "what if". At the same time, it would be very hard for me when I start school in the fall if I had to go the next four years without my fiance's support...

These questions/hesitations can only truly be answered by you... and your significant other. Best of luck to you and I hope that whatever path you choose, you are incredibly happy!

 

[LetItSnow]

Anyone in a similar situation or have words of advice?

Dunno your financial situation or, obviously, your 'emotional' commitment to vet school, so I can't address that.... but the one piece of advice I feel pretty good giving based on your post is: Make 125% certain that your husband is fully on board before you go back to vet school. It is hard on spouses and significant others. I don't think it's the disaster some people say it is, but it is definitely a major stress.

And, don't just consider it from the standpoint of your spouse - think about how you'll feel if you don't get to see him as much as you'd like.

G'luck.

 

[cloverbug]

Honey, I know exactly how you feel about choosing between a career and a family. I'm a bit younger than you but I worked and went to school full time in my undergrad and graduated in 3 years. I had very little free time and I'm sure it put a lot of pressure on the relationship I had with my high school sweetheart (no longer together). It's definitely hard to balance those two out and feel satisfied, especially when your spouse isn't supportive or isn't willing to compromise on both of your plans. My ex-boyfriend didn't want to do long distance while I was in school but he didn't want to move with me either, so it was never going to work out.
As others have said, I would make triple sure that your husband is willing to go along with you if you try for vet school again. I personally would want to know that "what if" answer and I wouldn't want a nagging feeling for the rest of my life. However, because you have other lives involved in this decision, you need to have a serious talk with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel about the situation. Maybe he just doesn't know how much this means to you. It's better to be open and honest now than to have resentment later.

 

[forks4spoons]

"It's never too late."

👍👍👍

 

[Jess Monster]

Anymore, being in or around your 30's entering vet school isn't that unusual. Isn't 30 like the new 20 anyway?

For me, I know that I'll benefit from being a little older than my peers when I eventually get in. I'll be more educated with an MPH. That might mean something, hopefully. I don't have a husband's opinions to contend with,so....

If you honestly feel that you are well suited to veterinary medicine and that you'll be successful and are willing to manage the debt, why not go for it? With a DVM, what will be your lifetime earning potential compared to just having an MPH? Obviously, it's not all about making money too, so what non-monetary benefits does it bring to your life?

Houses, kids, and cars can wait, in my opinion.

On a somewhat negative front:

Here's my problem with marriages, they fail, frequently... for lots of different, unforeseeable reasons. I don't know any nicer way to put it. Sure, it would be great if they all lasted, but if I were in the situation of having to weigh my own dreams and desires against those of my partner, the potential of divorce would occupy my mind. If the relationship dissolves in the next five years, will I still be happy that I allowed my partner to dissuade me from doing something that was so important to me (assuming he know the importance before we married)?

I would not be happy in that situation. I would feel cheated. As women, I feel like there is still a huge cultural push for us to sacrifice for family, as if our individual pursuits and desires are less relevant than what we're asked to do and be as wives and mothers. I would rather be called "selfish" than let my relationships dictate what is and is not a suitable goal for my life... especially while I'm young.

Certainly, for you, there is a way to compromise and not lose out on your dream or upset your husband.

 

[pethuman]

On a somewhat negative front:

Here's my problem with marriages, they fail, frequently... for lots of different, unforeseeable reasons. I don't know any nicer way to put it. Sure, it would be great if they all lasted, but if I were in the situation of having to weigh my own dreams and desires against those of my partner, the potential of divorce would occupy my mind. If the relationship dissolves in the next five years, will I still be happy that I allowed my partner to dissuade me from doing something that was so important to me (assuming he know the importance before we married)?

I would not be happy in that situation. I would feel cheated. As women, I feel like there is still a huge cultural push for us to sacrifice for family, as if our individual pursuits and desires are less relevant than what we're asked to do and be as wives and mothers. I would rather be called "selfish" than let my relationships dictate what is and is not a suitable goal for my life... especially while I'm young.

Certainly, for you, there is a way to compromise and not lose out on your dream or upset your husband.

This ^ This hit my feelings right on the head. When we met I told him nothing would stop me from my education and I feel like now that I am married, I have to "agree" with his opinion for my life. Granted, I do the same thing to him (by telling him he should get an education too but he hates school). Maybe this is why marriages fail so often these days - selfishness? But gone are the 1950s where men and "gender expectations" make the rules for women.

I appreciate the brutal honesty.

I guess I need to think of it this way: If I was dying in a hospital bed, what would my last regret be?

I wish I'd tried again to get into vet school.

or

I wish I could see my husband.

This is definitely a thought-provoking dilemma.

 

[JoAnna423]

This ^ This hit my feelings right on the head. When we met I told him nothing would stop me from my education and I feel like now that I am married, I have to "agree" with his opinion for my life. Granted, I do the same thing to him (by telling him he should get an education too but he hates school). Maybe this is why marriages fail so often these days - selfishness? But gone are the 1950s where men and "gender expectations" make the rules for women.

I appreciate the brutal honesty.

I guess I need to think of it this way: If I was dying in a hospital bed, what would my last regret be?

I wish I'd tried again to get into vet school.

or

I wish I could see my husband.

This is definitely a thought-provoking dilemma.

Sorry you are going through this. It is understandable that you want your husband's support, and that your marriage is equally as important to you as veterinary school. People like to think that they can have everything...a great marriage, career, family, social life...but IMHO, you have to make sacrifices on one front to have the others. Sacrifices does not necessarily equal unhappiness but it can equal the "what if?" I think every person, regardless of what path you take/are forced to go on wonders "what if?" So trying to eliminate the feeling of regret or wonder is probably impossible...

I agree with the other poster, that 30 is the new 20 and you have PLENTY of time to have children, regardless of veterinary school or not. We live in a time where couples are blessed to be able to wait a little longer.

 

[CanHardlyWait]

This ^ This hit my feelings right on the head. When we met I told him nothing would stop me from my education and I feel like now that I am married, I have to "agree" with his opinion for my life. Granted, I do the same thing to him (by telling him he should get an education too but he hates school). Maybe this is why marriages fail so often these days - selfishness? But gone are the 1950s where men and "gender expectations" make the rules for women.

I appreciate the brutal honesty.

I guess I need to think of it this way: If I was dying in a hospital bed, what would my last regret be?

I wish I'd tried again to get into vet school.

or

I wish I could see my husband.

This is definitely a thought-provoking dilemma.

I am one of the more rose colored glasses folks on here in regards to the pitfalls of pursuing vet med financially and believe fully in following your bliss. I'm also a super feminist, in a strong equal partnership marriage, and don't want children, so I totally get where you're going here. However, I would really caution you to re evaluate the above either or scenario. Life is really made up of the people we love and the experiences we share with them. I'm not saying that people don't change, or grow apart, or that all marriages should last forever, but if you married your husband with all the intentions that come along with making a lifetime commitment, than his input on this is as valuable and valid as your own. It's his life too, ya know. Just saying, don't throw away a marriage because he doesn't support "your dreams"-you are in a partnership now, you need to think about "our dreams". Obviously I don't know you, so other stuff could be going on that I don't know about.
Umm, also, you can have kids in vet school. I'm sure it's not easy, but plenty of people do it.

 

[Lissarae06]

It's me again. I'm a two-times failed vet school applicant who decided that 30 was creeping up on me fast and I still had no career, so I took Plan B.

Up and moved to a different state to get my master's in public health epidemiology. Thought that working in a human hospital as an infection preventionist would be a better fit. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but there's this nagging in the back of my mind when I see the white coat that I could've had one too.

I still think about vet school. In fact, I'm thinking about trying again when I'm done with my master's. Husband isn't so crazy about the idea. In fact he is ultra non-supportive. He thinks I should stop at Master's and just keep working so I can finally make money.

Makes sense, but I can still hear the tick tock tick tock in my head. It's time to buy a house, start raising a family, get rid of the 13 year old car and get a new one that actually has a plug for an ipod and automatic windows, etc etc. Who's putting this pressure on me? I am, I guess.

I've read the threads about "fresh starts" and "career changes" but I still feel uncertain. I feel like the husband is not encouraging my dreams and why should I have to give up on them just to pop out a kid? I feel it's a bit unfair that because I have a uterus I have to choose between career and family.

And why didn't vet school want me? I know I could do it. I'm smart enough. It just....meh.

Anyone in a similar situation or have words of advice?

Who says you have to give up your dreams to "pop out a kid" or that you have to choose between career and family? I'm a third year vet student. I'm getting really close to popping out my first kid. I plan on having more after a few years (we'll see how this one goes first). If you really want to go to vet school and have kids, you can find ways to make it work. I am nowhere the first person to have a baby while in school. It can be done. Is it the easiest thing in the world? No. But it's what my husband and I wanted so we went for it.

As for your husband, why does he think it's not a good idea for you to go to school? Is it strictly about the money? His concerns are valid. Vet school is crazy expensive with not much earning potential in relation to the debt. I believe that in a marriage, big decisions like this need to be made by both the husband and the wife. I'm not saying cave to his wants without voicing yours but you really need to sit down and work through it and maybe come up with a compromise (ie, try one more time and if you don't get in, continue with plan B).

 

[dyachei]

Who says you have to give up your dreams to "pop out a kid" or that you have to choose between career and family? I'm a third year vet student. I'm getting really close to popping out my first kid. I plan on having more after a few years (we'll see how this one goes first). If you really want to go to vet school and have kids, you can find ways to make it work. I am nowhere the first person to have a baby while in school. It can be done. Is it the easiest thing in the world? No. But it's what my husband and I wanted so we went for it.

As for your husband, why does he think it's not a good idea for you to go to school? Is it strictly about the money? His concerns are valid. Vet school is crazy expensive with not much earning potential in relation to the debt. I believe that in a marriage, big decisions like this need to be made by both the husband and the wife. I'm not saying cave to his wants without voicing yours but you really need to sit down and work through it and maybe come up with a compromise (ie, try one more time and if you don't get in, continue with plan B).

With the exception of the having kids part, you have said exactly what I was thinking but with better explanations

 

[capirinha]

.

 

[cs5910]

I read a pretty quote today that reminded me of this thread:

"Look for the dream that keeps coming back, it is your destiny."

 

[Lissarae06]

With the exception of the having kids part, you have said exactly what I was thinking but with better explanations

I think that is the first time anyone has said that to me on this site

 

[runswithdogs]

I wanted to pass this along from an advice column I occasionally read. While it is mostly advice for a man deciding on whether he wants to have a child or not, I think the basic tenets really resonate. I've let go of many opportunities to pursue becoming a vet and while I've never questioned that goal for myself, it doesn't mean those experiences have not been difficult to watch drift away. It was beyond rewarding to be accepted to a school and really solidified for me how right this path is for me, but not many days go by that I don't long for, or at least wonder, about the other lives I could have had. Sugar's advice came to me at a time I really needed to hear it and so I thought it would maybe help you (or anyone else battling with big life decisions too). I think she really eloquently tackles the idea of having regrets and deciding the sister lives that we can accept as not being ours, despite the beauty and importance they may have, and the life that is meant for us.

http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-s...column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

 

[hygebeorht]

It's me again. I'm a two-times failed vet school applicant who decided that 30 was creeping up on me fast and I still had no career, so I took Plan B.

Up and moved to a different state to get my master's in public health epidemiology. Thought that working in a human hospital as an infection preventionist would be a better fit. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but there's this nagging in the back of my mind when I see the white coat that I could've had one too.

I still think about vet school. In fact, I'm thinking about trying again when I'm done with my master's. Husband isn't so crazy about the idea. In fact he is ultra non-supportive. He thinks I should stop at Master's and just keep working so I can finally make money.

Makes sense, but I can still hear the tick tock tick tock in my head. It's time to buy a house, start raising a family, get rid of the 13 year old car and get a new one that actually has a plug for an ipod and automatic windows, etc etc. Who's putting this pressure on me? I am, I guess.

I've read the threads about "fresh starts" and "career changes" but I still feel uncertain. I feel like the husband is not encouraging my dreams and why should I have to give up on them just to pop out a kid? I feel it's a bit unfair that because I have a uterus I have to choose between career and family.

And why didn't vet school want me? I know I could do it. I'm smart enough. It just....meh.

Anyone in a similar situation or have words of advice?

I hate to eat up space quoting your entire entry, but there's a lot I want to tackle with you here. I read this thread earlier today and for some reason, it really struck me. I've been thinking about your difficulties all day, because I wanted to say things that would be relevant and helpful to you.

Let's start with some love and realness. First, you're 30, not dead. It's really, really discouraging to get rejected, and twice rubs it in harder. I'm nearly 30 myself, and I didn't get in on my first try, and although I would have been really disheartened not to get in on my second try, I would keep crackin'. You aren't the only one, and though you're feeling the sting of rejection, with all As and Bs (except Chem) you're definitely smart enough. (Yes, I went Suzy Stalker and read some of your old posts so I could get a handle on your situation 🙂.) While you sound very discouraged, you don't sound like you're done trying yet. I think you need some time to really reflect and decide when is too many for you, or too much. Will you be able to say "I know I tried" and be satisfied if you get rejected after 4 tries? 7? What if you're admitted, but to a stupid expensive school? How much are you willing to pay for the career you know you can excel in? Find what your own limits are, the limits you can draw for yourself. If you know you did your best and it still didn't happen for you, it can be an easier pill to swallow. But I think you probably have what it takes. PM me and we'll talk a little 🙂

Secondly, it sounds like you have no support or validation. How does your family feel about continuing to try for vet school? Friends? Do you have anyone who supports you? When you get those rejections, it can be harder to bounce back when no one is backing you, even if you're worth backing. You must be feeling so unsure of your abilities. I'm sorry your husband is unsupportive. If only for your sense of self-worth, you have got to seek the people in your life who believe in you and your abilities.

I've been happily unmarried to my partner for six years, and I am lucky to have an extraordinarily supportive mate. He's stated that he believes in my dreams and abilities and that we should move wherever we need to and sacrifice whatever we have to so that I can pursue this career.

It's funny that our mates are so similar, yet different - mine dropped out of college, and knows that school is not for him, just like yours. I won't lie - my SO was apprehensive about moving, because it's intimidating. But I have sacrificed for his career and desires before, and he is willing to do the same for me. Can you tell us more about your husband, what he does for a living, and why exactly he is so against your going to vet school?

I want to know more about this tick tock in your head. The life script says once you marry, you should have children. From your tone, I'm not sure if you're feeling the desire to have them, or you're beginning to feel the pressure of societal expectations. From the way you talk about the trappings of middle-class life, it sounds like you aren't particularly enthused about them either. Another topic for reflection: what do you require to feel truly happy? The children and picket fence, they make a lot of people happy. Do you desire them? Do you feel the need to keep up with the Joneses, and if so, does that truly make you happy, or can you make peace with what works for you, whatever that may be? I personally have zero desire for children, and I am perfectly happy with my broke-ass life. I don't feel embarrassed to be driving a car older than most of the people on this board - it's my choice, and I feel proud of my thrift. Other people prefer the luxury of newer items and the undeniable pleasure of convenience. Neither way is wrong, but you have to find what truly works for your life.

If you do things and buy things because it is expected of you by society or your family or your husband, and you neglect what you need to thrive as a person, you will become bitter. Not only will this be toxic for you, but for your relationship, and any children you have. If you accede to your husband's wishes and do not try again for vet school, you will always have that "what if" in your mind, and it may make you resent him deeply. If you have children and feel that you abandoned your dreams to have them, they will sense your bitterness. Trust me, they will.

The nice thing about having your job and having the MPH is that I think it will make you a better candidate, AND you can sock money away to pay for the eventual tuition bill if you decide to take another run at it. If your husband is against the financial toll of vet school, having savings prepared will be a good counterargument. Also, you should consider that you have approximately 30-35 years at LEAST of career ahead of you. Does 30 seem that old now?

It's easy for me to say I wouldn't stand for someone backing my dreams until they married me (I wouldn't) but I am not in your situation. You do have some tough conversations and a lot of reflecting ahead of you. I understand your frustration with feeling obliged to abandon your dreams because you have a uterus. It's hard to imagine a male posting a similar problem: "I want to go to vet school but my wife forbids it! Now what?" Women are conditioned to be more supportive than men, but it's not an excuse for your husband to become controlling now that you're married. Again, I don't have the full situation, but it sounds like he'd rather have the things money can buy than your happiness. If he gets what he wants, I suspect he will regret it in the long run.

Decide what you cannot live without. Decide what you can compromise on. You only get one life. Don't fill it with regrets.

Here's my problem with marriages, they fail, frequently... for lots of different, unforeseeable reasons. I don't know any nicer way to put it. Sure, it would be great if they all lasted, but if I were in the situation of having to weigh my own dreams and desires against those of my partner, the potential of divorce would occupy my mind. If the relationship dissolves in the next five years, will I still be happy that I allowed my partner to dissuade me from doing something that was so important to me (assuming he know the importance before we married)?

I would not be happy in that situation. I would feel cheated. As women, I feel like there is still a huge cultural push for us to sacrifice for family, as if our individual pursuits and desires are less relevant than what we're asked to do and be as wives and mothers. I would rather be called "selfish" than let my relationships dictate what is and is not a suitable goal for my life... especially while I'm young.

I agree with Jess wholeheartedly. Well put.

Who says you have to give up your dreams to "pop out a kid" or that you have to choose between career and family? I'm a third year vet student. I'm getting really close to popping out my first kid. I plan on having more after a few years (we'll see how this one goes first). If you really want to go to vet school and have kids, you can find ways to make it work. I am nowhere the first person to have a baby while in school. It can be done. Is it the easiest thing in the world? No. But it's what my husband and I wanted so we went for it.

Again, if children are what you really, really want, clearly it can be done. That said, I respect Lissarae's opinion as a pregnant person, but I think it might carry more weight it it came from someone with a newborn. Aside from the fact that your sleep and your schedule are no longer your own once you have a squalling newborn, there's the 1-in-7 chance of being affected by postpartum depression. Add vet school on that, and it'd be extraordinarily difficult. Possible, obviously, but I'd want to talk to people with newborns before you commit to a pregnancy during vet school.

I read a pretty quote today that reminded me of this thread:

"Look for the dream that keeps coming back, it is your destiny."

This is great. I also thought of a quote that may help you think about your dilemma: "You can choose what you do, but you cannot choose what you want to do."

Best of luck and godspeed, pethuman. I really, really feel for you.

 

[Lissarae06]

Again, if children are what you really, really want, clearly it can be done. That said, I respect Lissarae's opinion as a pregnant person, but I think it might carry more weight it it came from someone with a newborn. Aside from the fact that your sleep and your schedule are no longer your own once you have a squalling newborn, there's the 1-in-7 chance of being affected by postpartum depression. Add vet school on that, and it'd be extraordinarily difficult. Possible, obviously, but I'd want to talk to people with newborns before you commit to a pregnancy during vet school.

I am not the only person to ever be pregnant in vet school. There are people on this site (katryn comes to mind) that have offered their views in other threads. There is a girl in my class with a newborn and two of the current 4th years here have had babies while vet students. Anyways, if anyone wants my opinions on having a baby in vet school, PM me in May when I start clinics. Again, I know it will be extremely difficult but it will be difficult when I am in practice, too.

 

[kernel]

I hate to eat up space quoting your entire entry, but there's a lot I want to tackle with you here. I read this thread earlier today and for some reason, it really struck me. I've been thinking about your difficulties all day, because I wanted to say things that would be relevant and helpful to you.

Let's start with some love and realness. First, you're 30, not dead. It's really, really discouraging to get rejected, and twice rubs it in harder. I'm nearly 30 myself, and I didn't get in on my first try, and although I would have been really disheartened not to get in on my second try, I would keep crackin'. You aren't the only one, and though you're feeling the sting of rejection, with all As and Bs (except Chem) you're definitely smart enough. (Yes, I went Suzy Stalker and read some of your old posts so I could get a handle on your situation 🙂.) While you sound very discouraged, you don't sound like you're done trying yet. I think you need some time to really reflect and decide when is too many for you, or too much. Will you be able to say "I know I tried" and be satisfied if you get rejected after 4 tries? 7? What if you're admitted, but to a stupid expensive school? How much are you willing to pay for the career you know you can excel in? Find what your own limits are, the limits you can draw for yourself. If you know you did your best and it still didn't happen for you, it can be an easier pill to swallow. But I think you probably have what it takes. PM me and we'll talk a little 🙂

Secondly, it sounds like you have no support or validation. How does your family feel about continuing to try for vet school? Friends? Do you have anyone who supports you? When you get those rejections, it can be harder to bounce back when no one is backing you, even if you're worth backing. You must be feeling so unsure of your abilities. I'm sorry your husband is unsupportive. If only for your sense of self-worth, you have got to seek the people in your life who believe in you and your abilities.

I've been happily unmarried to my partner for six years, and I am lucky to have an extraordinarily supportive mate. He's stated that he believes in my dreams and abilities and that we should move wherever we need to and sacrifice whatever we have to so that I can pursue this career.

It's funny that our mates are so similar, yet different - mine dropped out of college, and knows that school is not for him, just like yours. I won't lie - my SO was apprehensive about moving, because it's intimidating. But I have sacrificed for his career and desires before, and he is willing to do the same for me. Can you tell us more about your husband, what he does for a living, and why exactly he is so against your going to vet school?

I want to know more about this tick tock in your head. The life script says once you marry, you should have children. From your tone, I'm not sure if you're feeling the desire to have them, or you're beginning to feel the pressure of societal expectations. From the way you talk about the trappings of middle-class life, it sounds like you aren't particularly enthused about them either. Another topic for reflection: what do you require to feel truly happy? The children and picket fence, they make a lot of people happy. Do you desire them? Do you feel the need to keep up with the Joneses, and if so, does that truly make you happy, or can you make peace with what works for you, whatever that may be? I personally have zero desire for children, and I am perfectly happy with my broke-ass life. I don't feel embarrassed to be driving a car older than most of the people on this board - it's my choice, and I feel proud of my thrift. Other people prefer the luxury of newer items and the undeniable pleasure of convenience. Neither way is wrong, but you have to find what truly works for your life.

If you do things and buy things because it is expected of you by society or your family or your husband, and you neglect what you need to thrive as a person, you will become bitter. Not only will this be toxic for you, but for your relationship, and any children you have. If you accede to your husband's wishes and do not try again for vet school, you will always have that "what if" in your mind, and it may make you resent him deeply. If you have children and feel that you abandoned your dreams to have them, they will sense your bitterness. Trust me, they will.

The nice thing about having your job and having the MPH is that I think it will make you a better candidate, AND you can sock money away to pay for the eventual tuition bill if you decide to take another run at it. If your husband is against the financial toll of vet school, having savings prepared will be a good counterargument. Also, you should consider that you have approximately 30-35 years at LEAST of career ahead of you. Does 30 seem that old now?

It's easy for me to say I wouldn't stand for someone backing my dreams until they married me (I wouldn't) but I am not in your situation. You do have some tough conversations and a lot of reflecting ahead of you. I understand your frustration with feeling obliged to abandon your dreams because you have a uterus. It's hard to imagine a male posting a similar problem: "I want to go to vet school but my wife forbids it! Now what?" Women are conditioned to be more supportive than men, but it's not an excuse for your husband to become controlling now that you're married. Again, I don't have the full situation, but it sounds like he'd rather have the things money can buy than your happiness. If he gets what he wants, I suspect he will regret it in the long run.

Decide what you cannot live without. Decide what you can compromise on. You only get one life. Don't fill it with regrets.



I agree with Jess wholeheartedly. Well put.



Again, if children are what you really, really want, clearly it can be done. That said, I respect Lissarae's opinion as a pregnant person, but I think it might carry more weight it it came from someone with a newborn. Aside from the fact that your sleep and your schedule are no longer your own once you have a squalling newborn, there's the 1-in-7 chance of being affected by postpartum depression. Add vet school on that, and it'd be extraordinarily difficult. Possible, obviously, but I'd want to talk to people with newborns before you commit to a pregnancy during vet school.



This is great. I also thought of a quote that may help you think about your dilemma: "You can choose what you do, but you cannot choose what you want to do."

Best of luck and godspeed, pethuman. I really, really feel for you.

Wow. This is an incredibly insightful and well-articulated post. Cheers.

 

[ThePiedPiper]

I hate to eat up space quoting your entire entry, but there's a lot I want to tackle with you here. I read this thread earlier today and for some reason, it really struck me. I've been thinking about your difficulties all day, because I wanted to say things that would be relevant and helpful to you.

Let's start with some love and realness. First, you're 30, not dead. It's really, really discouraging to get rejected, and twice rubs it in harder. I'm nearly 30 myself, and I didn't get in on my first try, and although I would have been really disheartened not to get in on my second try, I would keep crackin'. You aren't the only one, and though you're feeling the sting of rejection, with all As and Bs (except Chem) you're definitely smart enough. (Yes, I went Suzy Stalker and read some of your old posts so I could get a handle on your situation 🙂.) While you sound very discouraged, you don't sound like you're done trying yet. I think you need some time to really reflect and decide when is too many for you, or too much. Will you be able to say "I know I tried" and be satisfied if you get rejected after 4 tries? 7? What if you're admitted, but to a stupid expensive school? How much are you willing to pay for the career you know you can excel in? Find what your own limits are, the limits you can draw for yourself. If you know you did your best and it still didn't happen for you, it can be an easier pill to swallow. But I think you probably have what it takes. PM me and we'll talk a little 🙂

Secondly, it sounds like you have no support or validation. How does your family feel about continuing to try for vet school? Friends? Do you have anyone who supports you? When you get those rejections, it can be harder to bounce back when no one is backing you, even if you're worth backing. You must be feeling so unsure of your abilities. I'm sorry your husband is unsupportive. If only for your sense of self-worth, you have got to seek the people in your life who believe in you and your abilities.

I've been happily unmarried to my partner for six years, and I am lucky to have an extraordinarily supportive mate. He's stated that he believes in my dreams and abilities and that we should move wherever we need to and sacrifice whatever we have to so that I can pursue this career.

It's funny that our mates are so similar, yet different - mine dropped out of college, and knows that school is not for him, just like yours. I won't lie - my SO was apprehensive about moving, because it's intimidating. But I have sacrificed for his career and desires before, and he is willing to do the same for me. Can you tell us more about your husband, what he does for a living, and why exactly he is so against your going to vet school?

I want to know more about this tick tock in your head. The life script says once you marry, you should have children. From your tone, I'm not sure if you're feeling the desire to have them, or you're beginning to feel the pressure of societal expectations. From the way you talk about the trappings of middle-class life, it sounds like you aren't particularly enthused about them either. Another topic for reflection: what do you require to feel truly happy? The children and picket fence, they make a lot of people happy. Do you desire them? Do you feel the need to keep up with the Joneses, and if so, does that truly make you happy, or can you make peace with what works for you, whatever that may be? I personally have zero desire for children, and I am perfectly happy with my broke-ass life. I don't feel embarrassed to be driving a car older than most of the people on this board - it's my choice, and I feel proud of my thrift. Other people prefer the luxury of newer items and the undeniable pleasure of convenience. Neither way is wrong, but you have to find what truly works for your life.

If you do things and buy things because it is expected of you by society or your family or your husband, and you neglect what you need to thrive as a person, you will become bitter. Not only will this be toxic for you, but for your relationship, and any children you have. If you accede to your husband's wishes and do not try again for vet school, you will always have that "what if" in your mind, and it may make you resent him deeply. If you have children and feel that you abandoned your dreams to have them, they will sense your bitterness. Trust me, they will.

The nice thing about having your job and having the MPH is that I think it will make you a better candidate, AND you can sock money away to pay for the eventual tuition bill if you decide to take another run at it. If your husband is against the financial toll of vet school, having savings prepared will be a good counterargument. Also, you should consider that you have approximately 30-35 years at LEAST of career ahead of you. Does 30 seem that old now?

It's easy for me to say I wouldn't stand for someone backing my dreams until they married me (I wouldn't) but I am not in your situation. You do have some tough conversations and a lot of reflecting ahead of you. I understand your frustration with feeling obliged to abandon your dreams because you have a uterus. It's hard to imagine a male posting a similar problem: "I want to go to vet school but my wife forbids it! Now what?" Women are conditioned to be more supportive than men, but it's not an excuse for your husband to become controlling now that you're married. Again, I don't have the full situation, but it sounds like he'd rather have the things money can buy than your happiness. If he gets what he wants, I suspect he will regret it in the long run.

Decide what you cannot live without. Decide what you can compromise on. You only get one life. Don't fill it with regrets.



I agree with Jess wholeheartedly. Well put.



Again, if children are what you really, really want, clearly it can be done. That said, I respect Lissarae's opinion as a pregnant person, but I think it might carry more weight it it came from someone with a newborn. Aside from the fact that your sleep and your schedule are no longer your own once you have a squalling newborn, there's the 1-in-7 chance of being affected by postpartum depression. Add vet school on that, and it'd be extraordinarily difficult. Possible, obviously, but I'd want to talk to people with newborns before you commit to a pregnancy during vet school.



This is great. I also thought of a quote that may help you think about your dilemma: "You can choose what you do, but you cannot choose what you want to do."

Best of luck and godspeed, pethuman. I really, really feel for you.

👍 And you continue to be someone I heavily admire on SDN.

 

[LetItSnow]

It's hard to imagine a male posting a similar problem: "I want to go to vet school but my wife forbids it! Now what?" Women are conditioned to be more supportive than men, but it's not an excuse for your husband to become controlling now that you're married.

As a married guy in vet school who talks to at least some of the other married guys, I'm pretty confident in saying that our spouse's buy-in was critical to us. For all the guys I can think of that I've talked about the 'vet school stress on marriage' issue with, we all would have dropped the notion of vet school in a heartbeat had our spouses not been fully supportive. I don't recall any of them saying "I was going to bully my spouse into letting me go regardless of what she thought," like you're implying.

I guess in one sense, you're right. If my spouse disapproved, I wouldn't be on a forum complaining about my spouse; I'd be moving on with life and preserving my marriage. Vet school isn't worth more than that.

 

[DVMDream]

I am not the only person to ever be pregnant in vet school. There are people on this site (katryn comes to mind) that have offered their views in other threads. There is a girl in my class with a newborn and two of the current 4th years here have had babies while vet students. Anyways, if anyone wants my opinions on having a baby in vet school, PM me in May when I start clinics. Again, I know it will be extremely difficult but it will be difficult when I am in practice, too.

👍

One of the vets that I worked with had her daughter during her first year of vet school the week before finals week. She said that she was studying while in labor, had her daughter and went to school the following week to take her finals. She said that vet school was a bit harder with a child but not at all impossible; you learn to adjust just like anything else in life. Just some insight from someone that I talked to that had a child through the majority of vet school.

 

[Foxhunter]

As a married guy in vet school who talks to at least some of the other married guys, I'm pretty confident in saying that our spouse's buy-in was critical to us. For all the guys I can think of that I've talked about the 'vet school stress on marriage' issue with, we all would have dropped the notion of vet school in a heartbeat had our spouses not been fully supportive. I don't recall any of them saying "I was going to bully my spouse into letting me go regardless of what she thought," like you're implying.

I guess in one sense, you're right. If my spouse disapproved, I wouldn't be on a forum complaining about my spouse; I'd be moving on with life and preserving my marriage. Vet school isn't worth more than that.

This thread has highlighted to me that marriage is very subjective and means different things to different people.

While I understand that sometimes marriages fail for a variety of unexpected reasons, I'm one of those old-fashioned people who plans on going into a marriage thinking this is for life and aside from a few deal-breakers, one of my biggest responsibilities is to do what I can to keep this marriage together. Not that there aren't going to be days, months, or even years that are incredibly challenging and that I won't necessarily love my spouse the same amount/way as I did in the beginning. Just personally, I can't imagine doing something that my spouse was completely against, especially something as financially daunting, time consuming, and stressful as veterinary school.

 

[twelvetigers]

Marriage >>>>>> vet school, IMO.

If it came down to it, it's abundantly clear which one would prevail in my mind.

 

[Lissarae06]

This thread has highlighted to me that marriage is very subjective and means different things to different people.

While I understand that sometimes marriages fail for a variety of unexpected reasons, I'm one of those old-fashioned people who plans on going into a marriage thinking this is for life and aside from a few deal-breakers, one of my biggest responsibilities is to do what I can to keep this marriage together. Not that there aren't going to be days, months, or even years that are incredibly challenging and that I won't necessarily love my spouse the same amount/way as I did in the beginning. Just personally, I can't imagine doing something that my spouse was completely against, especially something as financially daunting, time consuming, and stressful as veterinary school.

👍 They asked me in one of my vet school interviews if I would put my marriage ahead of vet school. I said yes wholeheartedly. To me, my family is the most important thing in my life and I will always make it a priority over vet med. I'm not saying that if my husband told me today to quit, that I would. But that if we were having problems and it was clear that vet school was the root of it, I would take time off if needed and even quit if it came down to it after discussing all other avenues/counseling etc.

 

[Foxhunter]

Also, am I the only one who thinks if you want kids postponing it to your mid-to-late 30s (especially if you're married at 25) isn't the best idea. I think women get really high on the idea that we can have it all and by waiting to have kids until our career is settled we'll be better off. In reality though, pregnancy is a lot harder on a 30 year-old than a 20 year-old and there are increased health risks to mother and child when you have kids later in life. Plus after 30, fertility starts to drop pretty rapidly. Some women are very lucky and have no problem getting pregnant later in life (my mom being one of those), others struggle with it and spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to conceive a child. Children are one of those things that there will never be an ideal time for and if you keep putting them off because of that, you'll never have them. It's weird, but this is something I've thought a lot about. Assuming I have a loving, supportive husband I would rather have kids when I'm younger and have lower risks associated with pregnancy and more energy for the whole nightmare that is newborns to 3 year olds. Just my opinion, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I just read an article the other day by a woman who had been married since 25, but waited til 35 to have kids and now was looking back and wishing she'd had them earlier.

 

[DVMDream]

Also, am I the only one who thinks if you want kids postponing it to your mid-to-late 30s (especially if you're married at 25) isn't the best idea. I think women get really high on the idea that we can have it all and by waiting to have kids until our career is settled we'll be better off. In reality though, pregnancy is a lot harder on a 30 year-old than a 20 year-old and there are increased health risks to mother and child when you have kids later in life. Plus after 30, fertility starts to drop pretty rapidly. Some women are very lucky and have no problem getting pregnant later in life (my mom being one of those), others struggle with it and spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to conceive a child. Children are one of those things that there will never be an ideal time for and if you keep putting them off because of that, you'll never have them. It's weird, but this is something I've thought a lot about. Assuming I have a loving, supportive husband I would rather have kids when I'm younger and have lower risks associated with pregnancy and more energy for the whole nightmare that is newborns to 3 year olds. Just my opinion, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I just read an article the other day by a woman who had been married since 25, but waited til 35 to have kids and now was looking back and wishing she'd had them earlier.

There is a lot more that goes into having and raising kids though than just having a loving, supportive husband, and age...

Kids = time, money, money, money, time, time, and more time.

Yes, I agree that having kids in early to mid 20's is probably easier as far as your energy levels and fertility but those aren't the only factors that play into that decision. Just because you are 25 and married doesn't mean that you should start reproducing... you have to think about what is really going to be best for that child.... what if that kid gets really sick? What if you have pregnancy complications? What if your spouse is laid off? Are these all things that you will be prepared to handle at 23, 24, 25 while juggling school? Or would these be things better handled at 29, 30, 31 with a job? It really is an individual scenario and what is right for one person may not be right for another. I don't think it is horrible to wait until you are in your early 30's to start having kids, but I also don't see why people have kids starting as young as 20, 21, 22, 23, etc... I still felt like a kid myself back then, and I for sure didn't want to have a young one to look after, but many of my high school friends did start having families at those ages and they are getting along ok...

I guess I would just rather have a somewhat stable career before having children than to repeat what my parents did (4 kids by their mid-20s) and be struggling for all of life. Of course, at this point, I don't ever see myself wanting or having children, but that is a different story.

 

[Foxhunter]

There is a lot more that goes into having and raising kids though than just having a loving, supportive husband, and age...

Kids = time, money, money, money, time, time, and more time.

Yes, I agree that having kids in early to mid 20's is probably easier as far as your energy levels and fertility but those aren't the only factors that play into that decision. Just because you are 25 and married doesn't mean that you should start reproducing... you have to think about what is really going to be best for that child.... what if that kid gets really sick? What if you have pregnancy complications? What if your spouse is laid off? Are these all things that you will be prepared to handle at 23, 24, 25 while juggling school? Or would these be things better handled at 29, 30, 31 with a job? It really is an individual scenario and what is right for one person may not be right for another. I don't think it is horrible to wait until you are in your early 30's to start having kids, but I also don't see why people have kids starting as young as 20, 21, 22, 23, etc... I still felt like a kid myself back then, and I for sure didn't want to have a young one to look after, but many of my high school friends did start having families at those ages and they are getting along ok...

I guess I would just rather have a somewhat stable career before having children than to repeat what my parents did (4 kids by their mid-20s) and be struggling for all of life. Of course, at this point, I don't ever see myself wanting or having children, but that is a different story.

I don't disagree at all. I think it is a very personal decision, and I'm not recommending having kids at 20-23 necessarily nor just having kids because you're married. In the right context however, if you've thought about it and talked about with your spouse, etc, I think that having kids at a younger age can be a wise choice. I just feel like it's somewhat stigmatized in the more-educated/professional circles. I think that is wrong. So long as you are financially stable and do the math and know you can afford them, then it's not necessarily a problem. Will you have to make financial sacrifices that you might not have had to later in life? Yes, but it's a trade-off just like anything else.

 

[twelvetigers]

Also, am I the only one who thinks if you want kids postponing it to your mid-to-late 30s (especially if you're married at 25) isn't the best idea. I think women get really high on the idea that we can have it all and by waiting to have kids until our career is settled we'll be better off. In reality though, pregnancy is a lot harder on a 30 year-old than a 20 year-old and there are increased health risks to mother and child when you have kids later in life. Plus after 30, fertility starts to drop pretty rapidly. Some women are very lucky and have no problem getting pregnant later in life (my mom being one of those), others struggle with it and spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to conceive a child. Children are one of those things that there will never be an ideal time for and if you keep putting them off because of that, you'll never have them. It's weird, but this is something I've thought a lot about. Assuming I have a loving, supportive husband I would rather have kids when I'm younger and have lower risks associated with pregnancy and more energy for the whole nightmare that is newborns to 3 year olds. Just my opinion, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I just read an article the other day by a woman who had been married since 25, but waited til 35 to have kids and now was looking back and wishing she'd had them earlier.

I got married at 21, now I'm 26... planning on waiting until I'm done. I will not, however, be someone willing to put a lot of money into it if it's not going to happen. Adoption is fine. Alternately, I joke about not having kids and just having nice cars and a clean house instead.

But I'm generally kidding. Generally.

 

[ThePiedPiper]

Also, am I the only one who thinks if you want kids postponing it to your mid-to-late 30s (especially if you're married at 25) isn't the best idea. I think women get really high on the idea that we can have it all and by waiting to have kids until our career is settled we'll be better off. In reality though, pregnancy is a lot harder on a 30 year-old than a 20 year-old and there are increased health risks to mother and child when you have kids later in life. Plus after 30, fertility starts to drop pretty rapidly. Some women are very lucky and have no problem getting pregnant later in life (my mom being one of those), others struggle with it and spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to conceive a child. Children are one of those things that there will never be an ideal time for and if you keep putting them off because of that, you'll never have them. It's weird, but this is something I've thought a lot about. Assuming I have a loving, supportive husband I would rather have kids when I'm younger and have lower risks associated with pregnancy and more energy for the whole nightmare that is newborns to 3 year olds. Just my opinion, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I just read an article the other day by a woman who had been married since 25, but waited til 35 to have kids and now was looking back and wishing she'd had them earlier.

Isn't that controversial though? I've heard as many doctors debunk that as a myth and say it's not dangerous to have children until age x (which has increased since my mother was in college) as many times as I've had people tell me having children in your 30s is late. I haven't actually read the literature on it, and I do know that the older you are, the more risk factors there are, but risk factors don't necessarily lead to dangerous situations; they're simply additional factors you have to account for. I'm planning on having children in my 30s and having a midwife as opposed to a doctor, though, so maybe I'm weird. 😛 But I also have not heard enough convincing evidence or had enough doctors tell me that having children in your 30s is so much harder on your body than in your 20s that it's bad for you to convince me not to do it that way. I know there's no ideal time to have children, but for me, school wouldn't even be a good time. Just wanted to throw in my .02c on this.

 

[Foxhunter]

Isn't that controversial though? I've heard as many doctors debunk that as a myth and say it's not dangerous to have children until age x (which has increased since my mother was in college) as many times as I've had people tell me having children in your 30s is late. I haven't actually read the literature on it, and I do know that the older you are, the more risk factors there are, but risk factors don't necessarily lead to dangerous situations; they're simply additional factors you have to account for. I'm planning on having children in my 30s and having a midwife as opposed to a doctor, though, so maybe I'm weird. 😛 But I also have not heard enough convincing evidence or had enough doctors tell me that having children in your 30s is so much harder on your body than in your 20s that it's bad for you to convince me not to do it that way. I know there's no ideal time to have children, but for me, school wouldn't even be a good time. Just wanted to throw in my .02c on this.

Like I said, it's very personal. My thing is I'll finish here at 29 or 30. A residency would be a terrible time for children, so then I'll be 32 or 33 and trying to find a job. I think it's in somewhat poor taste to get pregnant as soon as you get a job, plus- I'll be looking for tenure-track faculty positions and trying to start a family and get tenure simultaneously sounds awful. So if I wait til all that's done, it'll be 37-40... It just gets nightmarish to think about sometimes.

I haven't truly studied the literature. I think there are a lot of increases in incidences of gestational diabetes, increased blood pressure, pre-eclampsia risk, etc. Plus the incidence of genetic abnormalities, trisomy 21, other chromosomal deletions, etc increases in the kids. There's new research out about the autism risk too.

Also, this is a weirder one, but I'd like my kids to know my parents. If I wait til 35 to have kids my mom will be 70 and my dad 67. I know my mom dreams of taking her grandkids horseback riding and my dad wants to teach them to hunt and fish. I know that's not necessarily that old anymore, but I don't see a 78 year old woman being able to take her granddaughter out for a trail ride (no matter how awesome mi madre is). I was blessed to have my grandfather til I was almost 20 and both of my grandmothers got to see me graduate college. I'd kinda like my kids to have the same thing.

Whatevers, I'm clearly crazy I don't even have a real boyfriend right now (though I might be headed that way 😍).

 

[Trilt]

My mother had me at 17, my baby brother at 34. The pregnancies were completely, absolutely different; she had contractions for the last three months of her older one, could barely move, all in general horrible. At 17, she barely showed and actually went to her morning class after giving birth the night before. 😱

With that said, I would obviously never suggest having a kid so young. And she's definitely done the "You feel like you had a good childhood... right?" conversation with me, as she sees how many more opportunities my baby brother has than when they were pinching every penny as poor immigrants. I'm rambling at this point...

I think every situation is different, and there's really never a perfect time to have kids. I don't like them or want them, but definitely understand the people who have to make that decision. And I'll be a really cool aunt someday. 😛

 

[that redhead]

I had been with my SO for six years when I got accepted to school 1200 miles from home. It was not feasible for him to come with me. It was my only acceptance and I decided to take it. I told him I wanted to go to vet school and to be with him; I didn't want to sacrifice one for the sake of the other because I figured at some point down the line, I would resent what had made me give up the other.

We're making it work. We're getting married this May. He's always been supportive of me, even though we both hate the distance (including the cost and inconvenience associated with traveling to meet up), and I'm so thankful that out of everything that is stressful in my life, he makes me feel instantly better.

In regards to children, there's no way I could have a child in vet school. I'm up here by myself, in a foreign country, without my SO or the support network of my family that I imagine I will lean on heavily when we do have children. It's just not going to happen. But there are those that can make it work, and if it's that important to your husband to start having children, you'd better make damn sure that he's ready to help you even more than he's likely expecting. (As a side note: do you want children? If not, I think that's a pretty big incompatibility that would be more cause for concern than him not being supportive of your vet school dream.)

I don't know what to tell you for your own situation. On the one hand, it's sad that he isn't supportive of you and you should be able to pursue what you want; on the other hand, he has valid concerns that shouldn't be brushed aside just because you want to go to vet school (when you already have a stable career). You entered into a partnership with him where ideally your needs, concerns and opinions carry equal weight and importance. I'd like to think that for me, marriage will come before vet school (as would family), but I hope I never have to make the decision between my career and my family. If you feel you need to choose between the two, at least make the effort to hear out his concerns and make sure he knows yours.

 

[Nekkid]

Who says you have to give up your dreams to "pop out a kid" or that you have to choose between career and family? I'm a third year vet student. I'm getting really close to popping out my first kid. I plan on having more after a few years (we'll see how this one goes first). If you really want to go to vet school and have kids, you can find ways to make it work. I am nowhere the first person to have a baby while in school. It can be done. Is it the easiest thing in the world? No. But it's what my husband and I wanted so we went for it.

As for your husband, why does he think it's not a good idea for you to go to school? Is it strictly about the money? His concerns are valid. Vet school is crazy expensive with not much earning potential in relation to the debt. I believe that in a marriage, big decisions like this need to be made by both the husband and the wife. I'm not saying cave to his wants without voicing yours but you really need to sit down and work through it and maybe come up with a compromise (ie, try one more time and if you don't get in, continue with plan B).

Yep, she's preggers and I sit next to her. I'm 34, just got married, and am trying become gravid myself. My mom is a vet and she graduated at 36yo with 2 kids and a husband. Tell your man to suck it up and he can be an active parent. I was just talking to my sister about how awesome it was that our mom went to school with 2 kids. That proves to your kids that if you want to do something enough, you can make it happen. I think it's inspirational. Given that you CAN do it all, you should re-evaluate with the hubby.

Also, I didn't get in on my first go round. I think my personal statement saying that I would haunt them yearly until they let me in convinced them

 

[Lab Rat83]

I still think about vet school. In fact, I'm thinking about trying again when I'm done with my master's. Husband isn't so crazy about the idea. In fact he is ultra non-supportive. He thinks I should stop at Master's and just keep working so I can finally make money.

I am in a similar boat as you. This is my third year applying and I will be turning 30 this fall. I'm (and my boyfriend) are getting to the point where we want to get married and start a family. We want to sell our house and buy a place with acreage so we can keep my horse at home with a few animals. My boyfriend has been soley paying our mortgage for 4 years, while I've been in school and now that I'm half way through my 2 year B.Ed program (my Plan B), we are both looking forward to living off of two respectable incomes and live our 'adult life'. He's put a lot on hold for me to pursuit vet school and my dreams, and I respect and admire him immensly for that. If he had a choice, he'd want me to continue with my B.Ed and decline an acceptance to vet school if I got one. He would never pressure me to go one way or another as he recognizes that having a career for the rest of your life that you'll love is important and the pay off in the end would be amazing (plus he'd be married to a doctor) but we do want to just get on with our lives.

As his life partner and friend I have to take his happiness in account to some degree. I wouldn't be a good partner if after all we've been through together and after all his support, I completely disregarded his future. I'm not saying I should give up my goals but instead of thinking what's best for me, I need to think of what's best for us.

If I were to be accepted this year, I'd be moving (by myself) 3 hours away. It would be tough for the both of us and choosing to do it would be a big life altering decision but we'd both be willing to suck it up for four more years.

Through all of this babbling, all I am trying to say is if that you are 100% certain this is the man you will happily be with for the rest of your life and you care about his well being then you have to genuinely care and have respect for his thoughts and qualams because another 4 years of schooling during a time where you both might rather start a family is disrupting his life as much as yours. If however, you find him being selfish and self centered about the whole thing then that's an important point to consider when deciding whether he's worth being factored into your decision making. I hope that all made sense.

 

[LetItSnow]

Isn't that controversial though? I've heard as many doctors debunk that as a myth and say it's not dangerous to have children until age x (which has increased since my mother was in college) as many times as I've had people tell me having children in your 30s is late. I haven't actually read the literature on it, and I do know that the older you are, the more risk factors there are, but risk factors don't necessarily lead to dangerous situations; they're simply additional factors you have to account for. I'm planning on having children in my 30s and having a midwife as opposed to a doctor, though, so maybe I'm weird. 😛 But I also have not heard enough convincing evidence or had enough doctors tell me that having children in your 30s is so much harder on your body than in your 20s that it's bad for you to convince me not to do it that way. I know there's no ideal time to have children, but for me, school wouldn't even be a good time. Just wanted to throw in my .02c on this.

I suppose it probably depends on whether you're talking about risk to mother, or risk of defect to child. The risk of defect obviously rises as the female gets older, so from a purely health-risk-assessment standpoint, it would be undeniably better to have children earlier. But, there are a lot more factors than just the risk of something like trisomy 21.

So to my way of thinking, the right way to characterize it is that there are increasing risks as a woman waits to have children, but that the increasing risk alone doesn't make it a 'wrong' decision to wait, simply because there are additional factors that will vary highly from person to person, ranging from value systems, to life goals, to current circumstances, to .... etc.

So I would never judge someone for having kids early, or for waiting. It's just too subjective.

If anyone were ever to ask my personal advice, though, it would be: have them as early as possible. Kids don't *REQUIRE* as much money as people like to talk about - they do just as well with two highly loved toys as they do with 50 mostly-ignored toys. They don't need a billion sets of clothing. They can sleep on just about anything. It's mostly us - the parents - that think they take a lot of money because we want to keep giving them things and buying things for them. They do obviously require <some> money (food, health care, etc.).

One of my biggest regrets in life is waiting to have kids. The amount of time I will get with them in life is shorter, and there's a substantially higher risk to my health declining while they're still young. So maybe we waited until we were 'established' with a decent suburban house; but maybe that means I rob my daughter of having a dad at her wedding.

Have them when you're young, when it's easier to handle the long nights, when you can still play football with them when they hit their teens, etc.

But that's just advice. Like I said, I'd never criticize someone for evaluating their life and deciding that waiting made more sense.

 

[DVMDream]

I suppose it probably depends on whether you're talking about risk to mother, or risk of defect to child. The risk of defect obviously rises as the female gets older, so from a purely health-risk-assessment standpoint, it would be undeniably better to have children earlier. But, there are a lot more factors than just the risk of something like trisomy 21.

So to my way of thinking, the right way to characterize it is that there are increasing risks as a woman waits to have children, but that the increasing risk alone doesn't make it a 'wrong' decision to wait, simply because there are additional factors that will vary highly from person to person, ranging from value systems, to life goals, to current circumstances, to .... etc.

So I would never judge someone for having kids early, or for waiting. It's just too subjective.

If anyone were ever to ask my personal advice, though, it would be: have them as early as possible. Kids don't *REQUIRE* as much money as people like to talk about - they do just as well with two highly loved toys as they do with 50 mostly-ignored toys. They don't need a billion sets of clothing. They can sleep on just about anything. It's mostly us - the parents - that think they take a lot of money because we want to keep giving them things and buying things for them. They do obviously require <some> money (food, health care, etc.).

One of my biggest regrets in life is waiting to have kids. The amount of time I will get with them in life is shorter, and there's a substantially higher risk to my health declining while they're still young. So maybe we waited until we were 'established' with a decent suburban house; but maybe that means I rob my daughter of having a dad at her wedding.

Have them when you're young, when it's easier to handle the long nights, when you can still play football with them when they hit their teens, etc.

But that's just advice. Like I said, I'd never criticize someone for evaluating their life and deciding that waiting made more sense.

And yet my parents had kids young.... both of them developed health problems at young ages... my mother to the point that she couldn't work any more and my father had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet so I never really saw him much... now that my sisters and I are older he has found a more stable job with a higher paying salary, but all of my sisters and I are grown up and moving away...

My father is an absolutely amazing person and I love him very much so I am not saying it was a bad thing that happened, but it would have been nice to see him a little bit more growing up. He would be gone from 4 or 5AM until midnight or later every day.. and on the weekends he didn't have to work as much (only 2 of the 3 jobs), but he wanted to sleep.. can't say that I blame him, I would have wanted to do the same.

 

[primatevetjess]

I am 31 years old and my husband just turned 39. We've been married almost 5 years and have not had children yet. Honestly, I wanted to start a family during vet school, but my husband's career kept him 360 miles away and there's no way I was doing it on my own. That's not possible. So we're planning to start while I'm in residency. I have discussed it with numerous lab animal vets, and they all say that it's totally doable while in residency. One of them even had two children during her residency. I wish I could've had children sooner, but it just didn't work out that way.

As for marriage, my husband comes before vet med a million times over. I wouldn't have been able to survive this journey without his tireless support. OP: if your husband isn't 100% on board, vet school may be the end of your marriage. It's rough on a strong, healthy, supportive marriage. I can't imagine a strained marriage surviving.

 

[hygebeorht]

One of my biggest regrets in life is waiting to have kids. The amount of time I will get with them in life is shorter, and there's a substantially higher risk to my health declining while they're still young. So maybe we waited until we were 'established' with a decent suburban house; but maybe that means I rob my daughter of having a dad at her wedding.

Have them when you're young, when it's easier to handle the long nights, when you can still play football with them when they hit their teens, etc.

But that's just advice. Like I said, I'd never criticize someone for evaluating their life and deciding that waiting made more sense.

Good advice on a sensitive topic, LIS. There are so many trade-offs for the people who want to reproduce. Older parents are usually more stable and can provide more opportunities - the toys and such don't matter much, but lessons and braces and all those expensive things are another story. I think most people would want to be able to put braces on their kids' teeth and be able to enroll them in lessons or sports. Or get them tutors if they have a hard time in school, or whatever else.

And that's assuming you have a relatively healthy, stable kid. Having children is a gamble - you're never really sure how they'll turn out. You might have a kid with special needs who needs expensive care and/or therapy. The basic care and keeping of healthy children is already expensive enough.

So yes, as parents age they trend toward being able to offer more resources, but also a greater risk of health problems for mom and baby. Young parents aren't exempt, though. I know parents in their 20s who had babies with severe skeletal problems, genetic disease, and cancer. It's always a risk. There's no guarantees. Parents-to-be are wise to try to be as prepared as they possibly can.

And when children grow up, they may throw you for a few loops too. For example, you say you dream of being there for your daughter at her wedding. (Before I go further, I must say it quite annoys me that fathers always say they want to be there to see their son graduate or play football or whatever, but with the daughter it's always the wedding...is it really downhill for her from there? Is getting married the most important thing a daughter can do? I don't get it., but I suspect I never will, as you'll see in a moment.) So you want to be at your daughter's wedding. I suspect if you'd asked my dad when I was a child what he wanted to do for me, that would have been high on his list too, but he'll never get to. I'm not getting married, ever, for many reasons that most married people find quite annoying to listen to, so I'll leave it there. I love my dad, but he's going to have to live without walking me down an aisle.

I guess what I'm saying is that while children can be wonderful, they are unpredictable, and sometimes it can seem like their only goal in life is to break your heart. Just as no one gets married thinking about divorce, no one has children thinking that they'll be disappointed by the people they become. Children come into the world through parents, not to parents, and everyone in this world does their best to make good choices and be happy with what they have chosen.

Which is why I think it's especially important that pethuman take some time to carefully evaluate every facet of her life as she tries to navigate the next few years. I hope pethuman finds a road that leads to fulfillment and stability for her and her family.