To all community pathologists who dump cases on academic consultants during holidays

[LADoc00]

YOU SUCK.

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[b&ierstiefel]

They do suck. You tell 'em LADoc! two words come to mind: donkey balls!

 

[yaah]

They do suck. You tell 'em LADoc! two words come to mind: donkey balls!

I always get a kick out of listening to the senior residents dictate the consult letters. thank you for this interesting consult... etc. One day I would like to dictate, I hope you're happy you wasted 20 minutes of my life by sending me this pathetic case and all your wasted recuts and immunostains. Your original diagnosis is wrong and frankly disappointing. You could consider opening a book once in awhile. Synovial sarcoma? Are you serious? Did you even see the pattern of growth? You are a poor excuse for a pathologist. I hope you realize you may have caused this patient unnecessary pain and suffering in your laziness. We don't have time to babysit you so next time sack it up and make a call.

Of course I would never do that. I am nice. And I know the vast majority of people don't send out consults for no good reason.

 

[b&ierstiefel]

Is there a list of dictation translations...some of my guesses are:

1. Thank you for this interesting consult = Thank you for adding more work to my day.
2. The diagnosis is not certain; we favor ... = How could you miss this?

Then we have internal medicine consults:

1. We had the pleasure of seeing your most pleasant patient = Your patient is a total _____, I commend you for putting up with him/her for this long.
2. Thank you for referring your patient to us = Because of you, I made more cash so I'm gonna go out and have beer and pizza.

C'mon yaah...I know you can add to this list...

 

[yaah]

Then we have internal medicine consults:

1. We had the pleasure of seeing your most pleasant patient = Your patient is a total _____, I commend you for putting up with him/her for this long.
2. Thank you for referring your patient to us = Because of you, I made more cash so I'm gonna go out and have beer and pizza.

C'mon yaah...I know you can add to this list...

For IM:

"Mrs. X is a pleasant 55 year old..." : Mrs X is a total beast and it shortened my life and diminished my faith in humanity simply by spending 10 minutes with her.

"Mr. X has an extensive past medical history..." Mr. X would not shut up. I pity you for having to take care of him.

"On physical exam, he appeared older than his stated age." He looks like walking death.

"He is moderately obese." He is a tank.

"She was accompanied by her daughter who is a strong advocate for her health." Her daughter asks too many questions and won't shut up about 'Mom's medications.' If I could have gotten away with it her daughter would be buried in my backyard right now.

"This disease may be in its early stages." He's probably healthy or a malingerer. Stand up to him and don't let him play the sick role.

"The patient is on multiple medications." He forgot to bring his list with him, and thank YOU so much for letting me know his med list.

In terms of path...

"We repeated the immunostains here and they show..." Our @#$!ing immunostains did not correlate with your @#$!ing immunostains. Now the patient is #@$!ed.

"This case was reviewed at an intradepartmental consensus conference..." No one knows what the hell this is so we are going to be non committal so we don't get sued.

"This case was reviewed with our soft tissue expert Dr Y...." He told me what it was and I may or may not agree with him. Either way, complain to him.

"This may represent an atypical variant of..." Who the @#$! knows what this is. Good luck!

"We performed recuts with H&E stains." Nice histo work, schmucks. The diagnosis was fairly easy once we had a decent section to look at.

"Clinical correlation recommended..." Inadequate biopsy or we don't know what this is or the provided history blows.