Then we have internal medicine consults:
1. We had the pleasure of seeing your most pleasant patient = Your patient is a total _____, I commend you for putting up with him/her for this long.
2. Thank you for referring your patient to us = Because of you, I made more cash so I'm gonna go out and have beer and pizza.
C'mon yaah...I know you can add to this list...
"Mrs. X is a pleasant 55 year old..." : Mrs X is a total beast and it shortened my life and diminished my faith in humanity simply by spending 10 minutes with her.
"Mr. X has an extensive past medical history..." Mr. X would not shut up. I pity you for having to take care of him.
"On physical exam, he appeared older than his stated age." He looks like walking death.
"He is moderately obese." He is a tank.
"She was accompanied by her daughter who is a strong advocate for her health." Her daughter asks too many questions and won't shut up about 'Mom's medications.' If I could have gotten away with it her daughter would be buried in my backyard right now.
"This disease may be in its early stages." He's probably healthy or a malingerer. Stand up to him and don't let him play the sick role.
"The patient is on multiple medications." He forgot to bring his list with him, and thank YOU so much for letting me know his med list.
In terms of path...
"We repeated the immunostains here and they show..." Our @#$!ing immunostains did not correlate with your @#$!ing immunostains. Now the patient is #@$!ed.
"This case was reviewed at an intradepartmental consensus conference..." No one knows what the hell this is so we are going to be non committal so we don't get sued.
"This case was reviewed with our soft tissue expert Dr Y...." He told me what it was and I may or may not agree with him. Either way, complain to him.
"This may represent an atypical variant of..." Who the @#$! knows what this is. Good luck!
"We performed recuts with H&E stains." Nice histo work, schmucks. The diagnosis was fairly easy once we had a decent section to look at.
"Clinical correlation recommended..." Inadequate biopsy or we don't know what this is or the provided history blows.