Not sure where to begin with my story... I'll try to keep this short. No promises though.
Two years into undergrad I decided I wanted to try for admission to medical school. I have always had an interest in neuroscience and psychology, and decided that medicine would be a good way to explore those fields while also providing good job security, mobility, and a decent income. I have never been the stereotypical "starry-eyed premed" with a lifelong passion for medicine; I would say that I have never had a true passion for medicine, though I find some of the science quite interesting and always did well in my prereqs. I should mention at this point that I started college at 25, so I was certainly a nontraditional applicant. I loved being a student again and was actually excited at the prospect of four more years of school after college.
At first I really didn't expect that I would get in, because I had come to this decision so late in the game and had many hurdles to overcome. Once I began the application process, it was so all-consuming (I was working 50 hours per week in addition to full-time classes during the application process) that I never took the time to seriously think about my decision again. Last year I was accepted to three schools and chose the one that I thought would challenge me the most, figuring it would make me a better doctor in the end.
The very first day of classes I came home and said to my SO, "I think I've made a huge mistake." I felt completely out of place in medical school, not because I was older than the other students in my class, but because they all were so much more enthusiastic about medicine than me. As the weeks went by, I just couldn't shake that sense of wrongness, and though I continued to do well in classes and made some great friends, it became harder and harder to focus. I am typically a very fast reader, but with my med school textbooks I was able to read only four or five pages an hour, and even then I couldn't have told you right afterward what I had just read. I would come home from classes every single day and google "dropping out of medical school" before I studied, because only when I thought about leaving did I feel any kind of peace. I missed the life I had left behind terribly -- I had a management job before I left for med school, and I had genuinely enjoyed going to work every morning.
Finally I gave up and took a leave of absence. I moved back home, felt ashamed for leaving med school, and frankly wasted the past half a year telling myself that I needed to stay miserable so I wouldn't miss my old life again when I returned to school. A few months ago I would have told you that I was definitely going to go back, but as the time has drawn closer, I have been feeling a growing sense of dread. I can't sleep unless I am so tired that I can't keep my eyes open. Classes start in less than a month and I haven't found a place to live for school yet or made any of the other arrangements I know I should be making. My SO is against going back because he says I don't really seem like I want this, and it's hard to be supportive if my heart isn't in it. I've seen a psychiatrist for the anxiety, who hasn't been a lot of help (quote: "I only became a doctor so I could come to America. Your reasons are better than mine, so if I can be happy in this job, so can you.").
I am angry with myself that I don't feel enthusiastic about returning to medical school. Everyone I know is constantly telling me what a privilege and a gift it is to have the chance to become a doctor. On these boards I always read, "you shouldn't become a physician unless you can't imagine doing anything else," and while every doctor I've spoken to thinks that's a bit of an exaggeration, I do agree that medical school and residency are huge commitments requiring a lot of sacrifice. I don't see medicine as a calling, but as a job, and while I have no doubts about my ability to handle med school academically, I just don't know if I'll have the fortitude to want to see it through, especially in third year when the hours are so much worse. If I knew that I could be in a different job eight years from now making, say, $100k, I don't think I would feel badly about not being a doctor.
I guess I'm here posting because I'm afraid that these doubts might be within normal limits, and I don't want to have regrets down the road because I gave up something that I would have actually enjoyed. On the other hand, I don't want to get deep into debt ($60k/year) going back only to find out that medicine really wasn't for me. Any constructive advice about how I might make this decision, and perhaps overcome my anxiety about returning, would be eternally appreciated.
Two years into undergrad I decided I wanted to try for admission to medical school. I have always had an interest in neuroscience and psychology, and decided that medicine would be a good way to explore those fields while also providing good job security, mobility, and a decent income. I have never been the stereotypical "starry-eyed premed" with a lifelong passion for medicine; I would say that I have never had a true passion for medicine, though I find some of the science quite interesting and always did well in my prereqs. I should mention at this point that I started college at 25, so I was certainly a nontraditional applicant. I loved being a student again and was actually excited at the prospect of four more years of school after college.
At first I really didn't expect that I would get in, because I had come to this decision so late in the game and had many hurdles to overcome. Once I began the application process, it was so all-consuming (I was working 50 hours per week in addition to full-time classes during the application process) that I never took the time to seriously think about my decision again. Last year I was accepted to three schools and chose the one that I thought would challenge me the most, figuring it would make me a better doctor in the end.
The very first day of classes I came home and said to my SO, "I think I've made a huge mistake." I felt completely out of place in medical school, not because I was older than the other students in my class, but because they all were so much more enthusiastic about medicine than me. As the weeks went by, I just couldn't shake that sense of wrongness, and though I continued to do well in classes and made some great friends, it became harder and harder to focus. I am typically a very fast reader, but with my med school textbooks I was able to read only four or five pages an hour, and even then I couldn't have told you right afterward what I had just read. I would come home from classes every single day and google "dropping out of medical school" before I studied, because only when I thought about leaving did I feel any kind of peace. I missed the life I had left behind terribly -- I had a management job before I left for med school, and I had genuinely enjoyed going to work every morning.
Finally I gave up and took a leave of absence. I moved back home, felt ashamed for leaving med school, and frankly wasted the past half a year telling myself that I needed to stay miserable so I wouldn't miss my old life again when I returned to school. A few months ago I would have told you that I was definitely going to go back, but as the time has drawn closer, I have been feeling a growing sense of dread. I can't sleep unless I am so tired that I can't keep my eyes open. Classes start in less than a month and I haven't found a place to live for school yet or made any of the other arrangements I know I should be making. My SO is against going back because he says I don't really seem like I want this, and it's hard to be supportive if my heart isn't in it. I've seen a psychiatrist for the anxiety, who hasn't been a lot of help (quote: "I only became a doctor so I could come to America. Your reasons are better than mine, so if I can be happy in this job, so can you.").
I am angry with myself that I don't feel enthusiastic about returning to medical school. Everyone I know is constantly telling me what a privilege and a gift it is to have the chance to become a doctor. On these boards I always read, "you shouldn't become a physician unless you can't imagine doing anything else," and while every doctor I've spoken to thinks that's a bit of an exaggeration, I do agree that medical school and residency are huge commitments requiring a lot of sacrifice. I don't see medicine as a calling, but as a job, and while I have no doubts about my ability to handle med school academically, I just don't know if I'll have the fortitude to want to see it through, especially in third year when the hours are so much worse. If I knew that I could be in a different job eight years from now making, say, $100k, I don't think I would feel badly about not being a doctor.
I guess I'm here posting because I'm afraid that these doubts might be within normal limits, and I don't want to have regrets down the road because I gave up something that I would have actually enjoyed. On the other hand, I don't want to get deep into debt ($60k/year) going back only to find out that medicine really wasn't for me. Any constructive advice about how I might make this decision, and perhaps overcome my anxiety about returning, would be eternally appreciated.
