Dear UMB Financial Aid Lady:
It has come to my attention that you have not yet finalized your financial aid packages for the 2006-2007 school year. I would like to take this opportunity to petition you for more aid for the following incoming medical students, as we, upon graduation, will be facing a lifetime of student debt, malpractice insurance and suits, and expensive repairs for the massively oversized homes, cars, and boats that we are expected to buy to perpetuate the appearance of the "physician lifestyle."
First and foremost is yours truly. I would like more money because, let's face it, I don't like spending money. Especially money that I don't have. I know that there's money somewhere in Maryland. I know because the state of Maryland took 98.348% of my income during the 2005 tax year. I don't know where this money goes. I heard that Governor Ehrlich withdraws it all in $100 bills and has a dump truck deposit it on his bed so he can roll around with 3 supermodels and have lots of hot sex on top of huge piles of cash. Apparently that works better than Viagra for ED.
So, like I said, there's definiely money somewhere in Maryland. If my 5 bazillion dollars in taxes can be used to treat Bob Ehrlich's ED, don't you think a small percentage of that could go to subsidize my medical education? Especially since I will be working basically for free for the next 4 years in your state's hospitals?
If you do not give me more money, I will be forced to hide in your closet until a most inopprotune time (e.g. 3am), upon which I will exit said closet and proceed to scare the bejeezus out of you. Did I mention that I look like a scary clown?
Please also give the following students more money: Cozmosis, LucidSplash, SuzieQ. They are the ones who have posted the most on SDN and have therefore been giving UMB free advertising. The average advertising executive in this area makes roughly 386,000 per year. That means you should give all 3 of them free rides. So, actually, you're making money here if you subtract all of their scholarships from the free advertising.
I hope that you will seriously consider my requests. If you don't, I will be very, very upset and forced to expose Governor Ehrlich's ED problem on the 5 o'clock news. Furthermore, you don't want to upset a scary clown. Believe me.
While you're at it, can I get a pony, too?