- Joined
- Mar 1, 2018
- Messages
- 5
- Reaction score
- 0
hi everyone.
Long story short, I’m a medical student in the middle of medschool right now. I’ve struggle throughout medschool, I cannot lie. These grades i am getting are like they belong to a different person. I was an 80% and 90% type of student. In the beginning of medschool, i was just passing. This is my second degree and it’s the one that’s screwed me up the most.I was a high achiever during high school yada yada yada and half way through my first degree, i changed. In short, my memory wasn’t as good as before, avolition, neglect of person hygiene, auditory hallucinations, paranoia and overdosed during medical school. Now, my feelings (both hope and fear) are stunted. There is nothing pushing me or even pulling me any more.
During placements, i keep thinking the senior doctors are gossiping about me. My self esteem is non-existent and my self-doubt is through the roof. In being objective, i do not think i know enough of medicine to become a doctor unless i change things now. I have one feeling left and that is that i do want to become a doctor and a competent one. But i am neither competent nor knowledgable like i once was. I cannot answer basic question that i know the answer to in my head but I’m fearful of getting it wrong in front of seniors so I don’t answer them and appear utterly stupid.
My symptoms get worse around assessment time or around new staff so this is ongoing although I have accepted the negative symptoms as part of my personality now. I want to discuss my lack of knowledge. I plan in my head to learn but stare at a screen for 10 hours. I study a few days before exams for fear of embarrassment. I want to return to my old self - that annoying student who was top of class and loved learning. This is going to sound out of this world but i sometimes look at fellow students when they attend extra classes or go home to revise and sincerely question their motives. What would make someone go home to study. I don’t understand anymore. I cannot find it in me to sit down and study or anything i once loved - reading, painting sports. It’s all gone. Before anyone says i am depressed, i am not.
What i am asking you all as students and scientists alike, am i fighting a losing battle. Can i still do this. Can I spend my long summer and Easter breaks relearning medicine ready for next year.
For your information, i do not feel like doing anything stupid again. I am not on medication. I just want to know if i can get that yearning back again.
Long story short, I’m a medical student in the middle of medschool right now. I’ve struggle throughout medschool, I cannot lie. These grades i am getting are like they belong to a different person. I was an 80% and 90% type of student. In the beginning of medschool, i was just passing. This is my second degree and it’s the one that’s screwed me up the most.I was a high achiever during high school yada yada yada and half way through my first degree, i changed. In short, my memory wasn’t as good as before, avolition, neglect of person hygiene, auditory hallucinations, paranoia and overdosed during medical school. Now, my feelings (both hope and fear) are stunted. There is nothing pushing me or even pulling me any more.
During placements, i keep thinking the senior doctors are gossiping about me. My self esteem is non-existent and my self-doubt is through the roof. In being objective, i do not think i know enough of medicine to become a doctor unless i change things now. I have one feeling left and that is that i do want to become a doctor and a competent one. But i am neither competent nor knowledgable like i once was. I cannot answer basic question that i know the answer to in my head but I’m fearful of getting it wrong in front of seniors so I don’t answer them and appear utterly stupid.
My symptoms get worse around assessment time or around new staff so this is ongoing although I have accepted the negative symptoms as part of my personality now. I want to discuss my lack of knowledge. I plan in my head to learn but stare at a screen for 10 hours. I study a few days before exams for fear of embarrassment. I want to return to my old self - that annoying student who was top of class and loved learning. This is going to sound out of this world but i sometimes look at fellow students when they attend extra classes or go home to revise and sincerely question their motives. What would make someone go home to study. I don’t understand anymore. I cannot find it in me to sit down and study or anything i once loved - reading, painting sports. It’s all gone. Before anyone says i am depressed, i am not.
What i am asking you all as students and scientists alike, am i fighting a losing battle. Can i still do this. Can I spend my long summer and Easter breaks relearning medicine ready for next year.
For your information, i do not feel like doing anything stupid again. I am not on medication. I just want to know if i can get that yearning back again.
