What happens when things get complicated and/or he changes his mind ?

[LovinPsych]

Okay so I posted a question in another thread but I'll ask here cause I need answers and well there's more complications .

So I've been in a very serious relationship now for almost one year . I've known this guy longer than that but to he and I, it feels like we've known eachother a lifetime . We're inlove and we care for eachother alot . From the time I was seven years old , I have always wanted to go to college to make something of myself, I've always believed there's so much more out there for me than what I can see right now . Along the years I've changed my major up about 10 times and that is no joke . But recently almost a year now I've wanted to become a doctor , a Clinical Psychologist in fact . I told him this was what I was considering at the time but I don't think he really payed much mind .... like guys do... so anyways .

I believe around November 2008 I started seriously looking for schools for psychology I came across a few , several wouldn't even give me a time of day but one finally did . So long story short , he found out I was applying he seemed okay until I got accepted and then saw how much I have been pursuing student loans to fund my education . He seemed to make jabs at what I wanted to do then claimed he was just playing ( I knew better ) . He mocked me sometimes cause I consider Dr. Phil one of my idols in psychology . We would argue from time to time about what i want to do , or he'd say you're in this for the ****ing money etc . I told him iI am cause of the profession , yea money is great but not the main reason why .

Today we had yet another argument and he threw kids up in my face , well he has a 6 yr old boy now with his ex gf which I am fine with but the boy will be 7 yrs old this december . He told me i want another child this time with you , I want to give my son a sibling before he gets too old . I'm like okay where did this come from cause we had a conversation that I wouldn't have any kids with him til i was about 29 years old ( i'm 22 years old now ) he's 7 years older than me so he's 28 going on 29 . Now it seems he has gone into a panic , he wants to have kids sooner with me caus ehe says his clock is ticking that he's getting older than when he wanted to be married and have more children . He wants to marry sooner and have kids sooner . The kicker is he wants me to put my career on hold for many years to raise a family with him...umm not my ideal thing right now . I admit I don't want any coming out of here anytime soon . I'm a virgin still so we're not doing it but I am afraid when we do he will find all ways possible to sabatoge my methods of birth control . I am on the pill but I want to use condoms as a backup he's not happy about that cause well it's almost fail proof with " both " . I want to know am I wrong for not wanting a family this soon and am I wrong or selfish to want my career first before a child ? I accept helping out with his current son but I don't want any of my own yet . He seems to be panicing cause he's almost 30 . Now he works 9-5 hr day jobs and he just recently wants to go to school but at my expense . He wants to further his career and make me a stay at home mom and he be the provider . It's not what i wanted nor what we talked about ...he wants to be a massage therapist and btw , he hates the length of years I'll be in school too...

I also want to add that he said in a perfect world,I'd be pregnant now and deliver by his son's birthday but he wants to start as early as next year ( early) and 2011 . I don't want this at all.

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[Teee]

you want to know what i think (not necessarily what might be right for you...)

at 22, u are too young to give up ur life (my opinion). I think you are probably more scared of not finding someone else (?) and want to please this guy. go for your future (congrats on ur acceptance) and the guy still had lots of time to have children, larry king, david letterman and mel gibson are proof.

 

[poky]

I have to agree with Teee - the guy sounds like a complete ass, frankly. Tell him to shove the **** off with his controlling self if he can't support your dreams. You're young, and have plenty of time to find someone who will care about you rather than just himself, if that's what you want.

 

[LovinPsych]

Thanks for the blunt posts lol, seriously , I am not upset . At times he does go into " a** " mode especially if I don't bend . It's not the risk of finding someone else that scares me , it's losing him , he has amazing qualities . Just he can be controlling at times and even a jerk , when I don't want to see his way . He tells me he supports me but at the sametime he really wish I thought differently about what I am doing . I told him that we have to work this out , or I don't see how we can stay together . Careers , kids , etc anything life altering is huge and from a lovely woman who gave me advice told me ? It's not something you take lightly.

Ideally I don't want our relationship falling apart over this but it's not a hey , go take out the trash thing , where he didn't and we argue. These are huge decisions .

I feel like he'll work on his career and succeed while my dream fade away , that idea hurts me , I told him nothing is coming out my lowings until I am ready . Forcing me or nagging me to give birth isn't going to make me want that child , it's going to make me resent him , myself , and the child . I don't want my own yet . His son okay i signed up for but like I said he's already established , a baby ? Uh no , I don't want to think about late night feedings , diapers , doctor appts . etc , I want to lie in bed or just watch TV , or do whatever I want without dragging a kid around .

I don't mind marrying I want that but kids are huge , everything becomes about them . He's very old fashioned with family , it's one of the things I love about him but right now I don't want a lil me .

When he says his clock is ticking he means by the time he is 30 , he wants to be married with more kids . I told him he has done all he wants and is in a different place . I'm just starting . I guess 7 years is a pretty gap afterall, isn't it ?

Oh and I must add , once he starts he wants them close together no more than 2 years so that means constantly being pregnant , how on earth do I do that and work on my career ? Also by thinking differently he means , me not get into a field that requires so much of my time and attention . He wants me to do something else , I can read that like a book....

 

[mtDNA]

You could also point out to him that he is a guy, so his biological clock is not ticking at all (guys can have kids at any age). Yeah, having kids definitely is more of a commitment for the woman, bcause she has to carry it, so you need to be comfortable with taht before you do it.
An interesting aside...there seem to be lots of pregnant girls in med school, and they seem to be doing just fine...pretty amazing stuff really, I am struggling, and am not pregnant.
Anyways, good luck.

 

[LovinPsych]

You could also point out to him that he is a guy, so his biological clock is not ticking at all (guys can have kids at any age). Yeah, having kids definitely is more of a commitment for the woman, bcause she has to carry it, so you need to be comfortable with taht before you do it.
An interesting aside...there seem to be lots of pregnant girls in med school, and they seem to be doing just fine...pretty amazing stuff really, I am struggling, and am not pregnant.
Anyways, good luck.

Why are there so many pregnant girls in med school ? Is it the age where they want to start families? or accidental pregnancies?

 

[RemiJP]

Personally, I would not be comfortable staying in a relationship with someone who mocks me, does not support my academic/career goals, and who I fear will do something to force me into an unwanted pregnancy. I can almost guarantee to you that you will be able to find someone with equally, if not more, amazing qualities, who is not as controlling. Have you ever met a senior citizen who regretted ending a relationship when they were 22 years old? There is SO much time to find the right person to spend your life with.

 

[LovinPsych]

I do see your point . It's just easier saying Oh I should break up then actually doing it .

Is there anything I can ask him or talk about to help ease this somehow? Cause I stand by what I want here . That I am unwavering .

 

[RemiJP]

I would try to find out why marrying is so important to him right now. It sounds like he is insecure and worried about losing you. If you haven't already, be sure to tell him honestly about how you feel, how his ideas about your future are exactly at odds with what you want for yourself. It sounds like this problem is causing you to lose trust in him (when you mentioned you fear he would sabotage your choice to prevent a pregnancy). You are right to think that something needs to change.

Yes, it's hard to end a relationship, but it's worse to spend a long time in one that is not right for you. If you do talk this out (maybe couples therapy would be beneficial?) and decide to stay together, marry in the near future, I would center the discussion around how becoming a step-mom is a big deal and it's likely going to be a time of adjustment for his son. The focus should be building a new family and lavishing attention on the son you already have! Stay solid about your decision not to have a child right now, firmly stating, "I will not have a baby now, or within the next five years."

 

[LadyMoreta]

I agree with the other posters. This is not a healthy relationship. You are a very smart woman, and you are seeing all the red flags, but you are also trying to rationalize the warning signs because you love him. This is a case where the logical side of you and the emotional side of you don't agree, and that is the time when you really need to focus on logic.

At this point, your boyfriend's son does not need (or probably want) a sibling. To him, you are just some woman who is taking time away from his dad. And if you have a baby, that will be just some baby who is taking time away from his dad. He will resent both you and the new child(ren). At seven, he is probably old enough to express these feelings. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is a good listener, so if I were you, I would encourage his son to write a letter to his dad, telling him that he would prefer his dad spent more time with him than have another child with someone other than his mom. Your boyfriend probably won't read it, and if he does, he'll probably think that his son will change his mind once the baby gets there, but at least your son will know that he has stated how he feels.

As for your career, I agree with you. Having children now would mean that even if you continue your education, you would not be able to focus as much on it. As wonderful as children are, they are also very demanding, especially newborns and toddlers. And if your boyfriend expects you to quit your school/job when you have children, you would absolutely resent it. (I probably sound hypocritical saying that, because I have decided to stay at home when I have children, but I believe that women should have a choice whether to stay at home or continue working. A mother who stays at home when she'd prefer to work will resent it just as much as a mother who works when she'd prefer to stay at home.)

In my blunt, personal opinion, I think you should move on. But if you want to leave things open, tell him that you would respect him more if he completed his education before you got married and had children (in that order, too - if he's old fashioned, he'll understand...) That would give you time for some of your education, and give you time to decide for sure if you want to be a stay at home mom. If you don't, but you agree to marry him and have children anyway, then you are the one being deceptive to him. He has stated his plans for his family very clearly, and if you marry him, you are agreeing those plans. If you don't want to live your life that way, then you owe it to him to let him go, so he can find a wife whose plans match up with his. Sometimes loving someone means making difficult choices like that - giving up what you want for what is best for them.

I would highly recommend reading some books by Dr. Laura Schlessinger - "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" and maybe "10 Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids Lives" (haven't read the parents one, so I'm not completely sure).

Good luck - I know this can't be easy for you.

 

[LovinPsych]

RemiJP -

Yea I think sometimes he does worry about losing me because he has had so many bad relationships and the one serious one before me really hurt him bad to the point I am his first serious g/f 5 years after the one he had fell apart . He was dumped and cheated on . You name it , it's been done to him . It's difficult cause it's on my shoulders , it's like I have to reassure him from time to time that I won't cheat on him or hurt etc . For the record he's never accused me just voices his concerns . He asked me to marry him just over 4 days after we started dating , which i felt at the time was way too soon . I thought it over and agreed to marry him but the kids I won't waver from .


LadyMoreta -

You're right I am mixed between emotion and logic, they never go well together one always wins and the other will have to lose . I'm torn between the two , cause they're both very strong sides . To a point yea I am trying to rationalize it cause my heart is planted in so damn deep here . It'd be so much easier if it wasn't . I never even thought about how the child would feel if he had another with me , that's a really good point . Perhaps I should and will run it by him . He's very intelligent to be his age and he communicates really well .

I am unsure fully of the relationship between him and his mother because she abandoned him when he was born . My bf raised him all these years and recently she wants to be a mother so they're in a custody battle over the child . It's not a great time to be honest giving the situation .

To be honest I've never seen myself or my future as a " stay" at home mom . I am not dissing it nor do I feel it's a wrong thing to do . I commend yourself and any woman willing and wanting to do it but it's not for me . I want to be a mother and I wanted to be " very " involved in my children's lives , but not at the expense of my career . I see mom's all the time who work and still are great mothers . I am willing stick around for a lil while steadily after I first have the baby but not for many years . I get time off to be with your baby but I don't want to and not work for all the time .

If we can't work this out or agree on anything then we will need to part our ways . Thank you for the book references btw .

 

[LadyMoreta]

Absolutely! My mom is amazing, and she worked full time. I never thought anything of it, and certainly never resented her decision. I think that when you're ready for kids, you'll be a great mother, but to stay at home or not is a personal decision and doesn't make you a better or worse mother. But if you are pressured into the choice that isn't right for you, there's a good chance you'll end up regretting the missed opportunities. And that kind of regret is something that is really hard to get over in a marriage.

It does sound like part of your hesitation to pursue your goals is that you feel guilt over what has happened to him in the past, and you don't want to be a part of that hurt. That is completely normal, but it is also not exactly right. He will be hurt if you break up, but he would also be hurt if you marry him but can't be the kind of wife he wants. He's 30 years old, but he seems pretty immature. He is probably just thinking that his way is best, and you will eventually conform. I can assure you that it isn't that easy. You are already who you are, and no amount of bullying from him will make you happy with giving up your dreams.

You could ask him straight out if it is a dealbreaker for you to wait five years before deciding whether or not to have children, and if it is a dealbreaker that you will not be staying at home. When he is given the choice that bluntly, it could help him decide for himself whether it is that important to him. Tell him that those are dealbreakers for you. Then, it becomes an objective decision, since it's no longer about "do you love me enough to ________". Emotions are useful in some cases, but these are very practical decisions that require logic and planning.

 

[RemiJP]

I agree with Lady Moretta.

I'm just finished my first year of an MS/PhD program. We got a dog (not a puppy, a full grown, house-broken, obedience-trained dog) in the fall and as much as I love her, it honestly felt like having a toddler at times. Sometimes I'd be in tears, waking up at 5am after working through the night so I could to get the dog out for a morning walk! As much as I love children and long to have my own someday, I really don't think I could handle grad school and a baby right now or within the next few years! I've been looking into getting this book: http://www.mamaphd.com/ to help me think more seriously about when the right time would be to have a child. From what I've heard from my professors, it's not necessarily any easier to have a child as soon as you graduate.

 

[femmes07]

Setting aside your career will bring you nothing but harm... It's not that you need to give-up the relationship but you need to play it well... Giving you an advice maybe is just not enough for you,'coz you need to decide too... If he'd ask you to marry him then let it be, yet tell him that there's no need to hurry... Mind you, it is better to have a degree than nothing...

 

[sumstorm]

No matter what anyone suggests, don't bring his child into this by having him write letters, talk to his dad, etc. It isn't fair to put adult communication responsibilities on a child. Having said that, here is my view:

You and/or your partner are/is jumbling up a couple of different issues:

1) how he treats you
2) having kids with him
3) having kids at this age for you
4) being a stay at home parent
5) his education for his career
6) your education for your career
7) your romantic relationship
8) your living situation
9) finances

You may have mentioned other issues up there that I didn't sort out. You didn't mention if this school is near you now, or requires relocation. You did mention how much it costs, which can be a real concern for a future spouse.

However, what it sounds like from this angle is that you both have very different goals and priorities. Sometimes those can be meshed together, and sometimes they can't. If they can't, without either of you sacrificing majorly and/or resenting the other for the sacrifices you do make, it is time to move on. The only way to determine that is to seperate out the issues and examine what each of you are comfortable. Would you be ok having a child sooner (not necessarily on the time line he is considering ideal) if he was a stay at home dad? Would he be ok with being a stay at home dad? Would you be ok if he gets loans and goes back to school at the same time? These are all valid compromise options, but may not be suitable for one, the other, or both of you.

Personally, unless he wants to be the primary parent, I would walk, because it sounds like control issues to me. I don't deal with control issues and poor communication very well.

Also, it sounds like some things are being blended. marriage =/= parenthood. Those should be 2 seperate considerations (not saying they shouldn't both be discussed.)

Both of you have to figure out what your absolutes are, and then determine if they are compatible. I know that is hard...I am still close friends with men that I love with all of my heart...who touched my soul in a way I can't explain, but where we walked away because we both understood that some aspect of our lifestyles/goals/plans weren't compatible, and weren't likely to become compatable (I like to travel and didn't want to live anywhere within 6 hours of my family, he wanted to live within the same town as his folks....near my family, in another case, I wanted to have kids later...he wanted them in his prime.) These are people who are still my closest friends, but we did what was best and healthiest for both of us...relegated love to friendship so that we could each find compatible individuals.

 

[VMSmith]

I'm sorry but I have to say, this relationship does not sound good, at all.

You and your boyfriend have vastly different ideas about where your relationship is at as well as vastly different short and long term goals for both of your careers and a possible family.

Your life is just beginning, and he wants you to put everything on hold (or actually, give it all up) so that he can pursue his goals?

There is also something very wrong with this picture:

Yea I think sometimes he does worry about losing me because he has had so many bad relationships and the one serious one before me really hurt him bad to the point I am his first serious g/f 5 years after the one he had fell apart . He was dumped and cheated on . You name it , it's been done to him . It's difficult cause it's on my shoulders , it's like I have to reassure him from time to time that I won't cheat on him or hurt etc . For the record he's never accused me just voices his concerns . He asked me to marry him just over 4 days after we started dating , which i felt at the time was way too soon . I thought it over and agreed to marry him but the kids I won't waver from .

That is not normal. There are so many red flags in your description of him and your relationship with him that I think you need to really step back and reevaluate this whole situation. You're going into clinical psychology, and while it's usually a good idea to "put on the filter" when it comes to your own personal life, I think this is a pretty blatant exception to that rule.

 

[VMSmith]

Ideally I don't want our relationship falling apart over this but it's not a hey , go take out the trash thing , where he didn't and we argue. These are huge decisions .

In my opinion, "this" is a very good reason for ending your relationship.

You need to be very clear about that with him if you do decide to stay with him. And he needs to understand very clearly what you want out of your life, and be willing to accept and support that. If not, I think that this relationship needs to end, for both your sakes.

 

[anesthesio]

Honestly I stopped reading once you said he wanted you to put your career, essentially, your dream, on Hold. Don't do it girl!

He is a man, he has no clock, so he needs to cut the crap. I don't think a 7 yr. old really cares about having a little brother at this time. 7 years is already quite a gap and 8 years (when you would eventually have the baby if you got knocked up right this second) would not be any better. I have an older brother who's about 8 years older and growing up it was seriously like being an only child because he was off to college by the time I was 10. Anyway...

He should be happy that you have the ambititon and drive to want to do something with yourself other than having babies, especially before your' re ready. Everything about your story is screaming in me to tell you to break up with him but obviously I don't know squat about your relationship other than what you just mentioned. Him wanting to marry you and have a child with you, after somewhat "mocking" your dreams and idol, all seem like ways to trap you. Go to school, if it's meant to be it will be (Cliche but true). If you delay or worse don't go you will always wonder what could've been. And heaven forbid the relationship comes to an end ... What will you have then, besides a rushed child potentially?

 

[LovinPsych]

Thanks for all of your thoughts and posts thus far . We've been talking and talking and he tells me he'll wait for a lil while with the kids but he doesn't know for how much longer . In my opinion that's not a very good answer cause its without a time frame . To use such statement is very subjective cause what he calls not much longer and what i call not much longer could be two different things .

I read on the excerpt from Mama Ph.D but it sounds very challenging still doable but challenging I really rather not do this now and not in the next four years of my undergrad studies . I see the chance even bleaker during my grad studies .

I still feel we have alot to get to know eachother about in terms of many things and bringing a child in just doesn't seem fair nor right at this time . Now this doesn't change his age still , he knows i want to marry him that's never been the issue but having the kids are . I still feel like the whole issue of when to become pregnant is still an issue ?

My fear has always been accidently getting knocked up at the wrong time cause most of us living on this earth is not planned . He's always told me he'd take care of me whether I am in school or not but I don't want to not work. I've been career minded my entire life .

Yes i am still torn over this . Not because I'll cave in but because I can't cave in and I want to work this out like compromise ...

 

[sumstorm]

Thanks for all of your thoughts and posts thus far . We've been talking and talking and he tells me he'll wait for a lil while with the kids but he doesn't know for how much longer . In my opinion that's not a very good answer cause its without a time frame . To use such statement is very subjective cause what he calls not much longer and what i call not much longer could be two different things .

Yes i am still torn over this . Not because I'll cave in but because I can't cave in and I want to work this out like compromise ...

What on earth gives ANYONE the idea that they have the right to pressure another human being to conceive and birth a child? That is what this amounts to, simple as that. If you and he have fundamentally different desires, you and he need to find people who match your desires. There might not be an option for compromise....but even if there was, why would you want to be with someone who wants to pressure you to do something to your body, to your life, that will affect you forever, at a time and situation where you don't want to do it? After you have a child, are you certain he won't pressure you to do other things with your body, your life (ie your education, career, day to day living) that you don't want?

What is so great about this guy that it makes it worth having this battle of control over YOU?

 

[apricot3]

This guy sounds pretty controlling and unsupportive.
I'm sure that there are wonderful things about him, and about your relationship. However, you deserve and will find someone who is all of the things that you like about this guy, but doesn't treat you like a walking uterus and instead supports your dreams and views your happiness as something that is just as important as his.
Dump him, spend the summer with your girlfriends having fun, and then work your butt off and follow your dreams. Don't look back.

I'm sorry if this all sounds blunt, but I am a little concerned about some of the stuff you described. Take a look at this: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf

good luck! only you can make the decision that is right for you.

 

[LovinPsych]

This guy sounds pretty controlling and unsupportive.
I'm sure that there are wonderful things about him, and about your relationship. However, you deserve and will find someone who is all of the things that you like about this guy, but doesn't treat you like a walking uterus and instead supports your dreams and views your happiness as something that is just as important as his.
Dump him, spend the summer with your girlfriends having fun, and then work your butt off and follow your dreams. Don't look back.

I'm sorry if this all sounds blunt, but I am a little concerned about some of the stuff you described. Take a look at this: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf

good luck! only you can make the decision that is right for you.

What on earth gives ANYONE the idea that they have the right to pressure another human being to conceive and birth a child? That is what this amounts to, simple as that. If you and he have fundamentally different desires, you and he need to find people who match your desires. There might not be an option for compromise....but even if there was, why would you want to be with someone who wants to pressure you to do something to your body, to your life, that will affect you forever, at a time and situation where you don't want to do it? After you have a child, are you certain he won't pressure you to do other things with your body, your life (ie your education, career, day to day living) that you don't want?

What is so great about this guy that it makes it worth having this battle of control over YOU?

He's not pressuring me constantly like nagging me but he was honest with what he would like in general . I don't know maybe i've given the wrong impression about him ?

We get along so well , we see eye to eye on all things but this , and with the relationship I've had with him it's best I've had . I sincerely believe he's my soulmate and he loves me dearly . I really hate to think oh dump him over this ? feels like i leave as soon as i don't get my partner to see eye to eye ? i don't know , at the same time i do see all of your points . Make no mistake , I'm not pushing any out before I am ready to . He's even told me that i don't have to have sex with him if I am nto ready to , that he's willing to wait . Does that count for soemthing ?

His son has siblings but by his mother so it's not like he's without siblings . I'd only say that either my bf is threaten by my career choice or he wants more kids of his own and wants them with me . We talk about marriage all of the time and when i pitched the idea about enjoying just eachother for now , of course including his son . He seemed receptive . Does this mean something ? or could this be telling me one thing now , change your tune later ?

I feel like the fact women choose careers and because we do have a uterus makes things way more complicated . Cause we still have to carry the kids even if we are not stay at home moms ...


I'm agonizing over this because it's the most serious relationship I've ever had and appears to be very promising .

 

[apricot3]

He's not pressuring me constantly like nagging me but he was honest with what he would like in general . I don't know maybe i've given the wrong impression about him ?

We get along so well , we see eye to eye on all things but this , and with the relationship I've had with him it's best I've had . I sincerely believe he's my soulmate and he loves me dearly . I really hate to think oh dump him over this ? feels like i leave as soon as i don't get my partner to see eye to eye ? i don't know , at the same time i do see all of your points . Make no mistake , I'm not pushing any out before I am ready to . He's even told me that i don't have to have sex with him if I am nto ready to , that he's willing to wait . Does that count for soemthing ?

His son has siblings but by his mother so it's not like he's without siblings . I'd only say that either my bf is threaten by my career choice or he wants more kids of his own and wants them with me . We talk about marriage all of the time and when i pitched the idea about enjoying just eachother for now , of course including his son . He seemed receptive . Does this mean something ? or could this be telling me one thing now , change your tune later ?

I feel like the fact women choose careers and because we do have a uterus makes things way more complicated . Cause we still have to carry the kids even if we are not stay at home moms ...


I'm agonizing over this because it's the most serious relationship I've ever had and appears to be very promising .

I obviously don't know your situation, and I don't know either of you. I just posted that based on a few things you had said, like he mocks you, you feel pressured, etc.

Life is tricky, but I don't think that any one area of our life shoudl be privileged over another. So your school/career is just as important as your family, and vis versa. You have to make the best choices for yourself and for those that you care for. I struggled with this a bit when I based my decision on where to get my MSW based on where my partner got into med school. It was tough for me, because I sort of felt like a "bad feminist" choosing my partner over an ivy league school. In my situation however, I wasn't sacrificing my career for him, instead I was finding a compromise that worked for both of us.

It sounds like you are very willing to compromise and want to find a balance. My concern is whether or not your partner is receptive and interested in make those same compromises. Perhaps giving him an idea of when you do want to start a family, or when you might be comfortable with it would give him an idea of how things will look in his future. Ultimately, it sounds like you are very excited about your school/career, and you know that is the right path for you. The ideal partner will see that, and want that for you. Sure, his opinion counts and is important, but yours counts too. And you are the person who has to carry a child, and I would assume, stay home with the child at least in the first few months.

You are still quite young, and have plenty of time to have children if that is what you decide you want. The reason he gave you for wanting to have children now was that he'd like his son to have siblings close in age. But apparently his son already does? And there is nothing to suggest that having siblings closer in age to you or farther apart in age to you is good or bad. Just different. Enroll the son in some fun programs with other kids if you're worried about him not being around peers.

I don't know if you should end the relationship or not. That is up to you. From way over here, it sounds like this guy expects things to happen on his time frame, when he wants them too, and how he wants them too. It seems like you challenge that, and stick to your guns, which is great. But just because this is your first serious relationship doesn't mean it is the only one for you. If he can find a way to support your decisions, and understand that what you are doing makes you happy, then great. If he can't, I really think you need to consider what you want your relationship to look like, because I can't imagine an unsupportive partner is it.


(On a side note, I'm glad he's not pressuring you into anything physically that you aren't comfortable with, because otherwise it would be sexual assault....sorry if I'm sensitive to this stuff, but I work for a domestic violence agency and so my perceptions are totally off. I work with women every day who are being controlled and abused, and sometimes I start to think everyone is...)

 

[sumstorm]

I told him this was what I was considering at the time but I don't think he really payed much mind .... like guys do... so anyways .

So long story short , he found out I was applying he seemed okay until I got accepted and then saw how much I have been pursuing student loans to fund my education . He seemed to make jabs at what I wanted to do then claimed he was just playing ( I knew better ) . He mocked me sometimes cause I consider Dr. Phil one of my idols in psychology . We would argue from time to time about what i want to do , or he'd say you're in this for the ****ing money etc .

Now it seems he has gone into a panic , he wants to have kids sooner with me caus ehe says his clock is ticking that he's getting older than when he wanted to be married and have more children . He wants to marry sooner and have kids sooner . The kicker is he wants me to put my career on hold for many years to raise a family with him...umm not my ideal thing right now .

I want to know am I wrong for not wanting a family this soon and am I wrong or selfish to want my career first before a child ?

Now he works 9-5 hr day jobs and he just recently wants to go to school but at my expense . He wants to further his career and make me a stay at home mom and he be the provider .

At times he does go into " a** " mode especially if I don't bend . Just he can be controlling at times and even a jerk , when I don't want to see his way . He tells me he supports me but at the sametime he really wish I thought differently about what I am doing .

Forcing me or nagging me to give birth isn't going to make me want that child , it's going to make me resent him , myself , and the child .

He wants me to do something else , I can read that like a book....

Yea I think sometimes he does worry about losing me because he has had so many bad relationships and the one serious one before me really hurt him bad to the point I am his first serious g/f 5 years after the one he had fell apart . He was dumped and cheated on . It's difficult cause it's on my shoulders , it's like I have to reassure him from time to time that I won't cheat on him or hurt etc . He asked me to marry him just over 4 days after we started dating , which i felt at the time was way too soon .

I highlighted the parts of your original posts that trouble me.

Here are the simple answers

You are NOT wrong for not wanting a family this soon. Every individuals has to find the path that is right for his/herself.

You are NOT selfish to start your career before having children, which is differnt than putting your career first before a child. Having your career will enable you to provide a secure life for your child.

There are some major idealogical differences between you. Those are not likely to get better unless one of you has a major shift in values. While you are getting along well, it sounds, in the day to day, if your desired paths in life are very different, it will be very hard to compensate.

Do not justify another person's actions/attitudes due to their gender.... my husband does listen...and when he hears that I desire something, he starts thinking of ways to help me obtain what I want. He doesn't mock me or be condescending or judgemental. He KNOWS me well enough to know that money isn't a priority but is a concern, and he would never try to throw it in my face. He would (and did) celebrate my admissions and has helped me find a home near my school, even though he won't be able to live with me. He would never ask me to be a stay at home mom. He has actually offered to be a stay at home dad.

I really believe that 2 people need to have similar core values and a similar game plan for life to have a strong foundation for a solid marriage. Oh, the age gap between my husband and myself is larger than the one you are encountering. Finally, YOU are NOT responsible for what happened in his previous relationships. He needs to take responsibility for his emotions...you can not change those, and no amount of reassurance will fix his self esteem issues...only he can do that. If he really wants kids earlier, he needs to be ready to sacrifice for it...to stay home and be the primary care giver. That is the only real compromise that I could see where you could pursue your career (highly important to you) and he could have kids earlier (highly important to him.) I agree, it isn't fair to bring another child in at this point of time, especially while he is battling for custody and dealing with other stresses.

 

[BasalGanglia]

It seems to me ya'll are at different paths in life. If he doesn't support you with what you want to do in your life then move on. You're young, going somewhere and there's plenty of men in your future. This is the time of your life where you can really define yourself and plan for your future, don't let this guy persuade you to settle for something that you really don't want. You don't want to be one of those women who drop out of college because they get knocked up and regret it for the rest of their lives.

 

[kimkenlover]

I agree with what everyone has said, and want to stress that you might be blindsided by love. It's great that you two have talked about it and he's agreed to wait and is a little more understanding, but do take into account what he says from time to time. Those little insulting remarks are one way to control you and make you feel like you're not up to snuff so that it's easier for him to have his way. I applaud you on standing your ground in arguments. But I also want to reiterate that there are other guys for you out there. You are a young, career driven, talented, woman who has a lot of time left to decide on who your significant other should be. It's not like the first serious relationship is the one that'll last a lifetime. There are other things to consider. Good luck with everything!

 

[SoFreakedOut]

Honestly, I'm not sure why you posted this (and I don't mean that in an unkind way). It's clear in the post that you feel certain things are outrageous, so why try to talk yourself into something you are pretty blatantly showing you don't want? Go with your gut, it's already decided for you.

 

[cisopen]

Have you gotten a man's perspective so far? From what I've read in this thread, the answer is no.

I agree with other posters. You are in a manipulative and abusive relationship. The fact that he offered a ring that fast is a clear sign of desperation. Guys like me who have built some success for themselves don't do this.

Talk to him in terms of numbers and facts. Your return on your psych Phd degree investment is much higher than him getting a massage therapy license!

Are you kidding? Can you not meet someone better qualified for yourself? I know a bunch of JDs, MBAs and independent consultants looking for decent girlfriends with higher degrees than some dumb blonde with a degree in sociology from Arizona State.

Type A and successful people tend to do well with others of the similar drive and life goals. Sounds like your boyfriend is a douche.