What Sacrifices Have You Made?

[Omashu]

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Hi,

I'm sitting here at my computer thinking about all the changes I may need or making to become a DO. For me: I'm thinking about dropping my hours at work because it would improve my GPA. (But how is my family-bills, etc. gonna make it?) How am I gonna get my patient contact volunteer experience in - can I wake up a 4am twice week? Will I regret the toll that I'm now placing on my husband and son that some days during a semester that there only seeing me about an hour a day? I hope they know that it's just as painful for me for not being with them. But at the same time, I hope they know that I'm not just doing this for myself, but for them too.

So, I guess I'm looking for some inspiration from people. After evaluating my stats, I need to make some changes. I did very well this semester 3 A's and a B- but I need to keep on keepin on. I reassess myself periodically, and this improves my grades and it keeps me in check that i'm still in line with what I want out of life - becoming a doctor.

So anyway, BLah-BLah-Blah... What kinda of things have you given up? Any difficult things you may of had to deal with to get to the end of the "marathon"?

But if you reply and say.... not much....I will scream and go crazy because that's not what i want to hear

 

[boodthedog]

Not much, but it's easier for me. I don't live in NJ. Just kidding, it's tough. I used to value getting a lot of exercise and put on about fifteen pounds last semester. Also, I used play whiffle ball during the day. I really liked whiffle ball.

 

[DiverDoc]

I am fortunate enough that I only have to work in the summers. The sacrifices Ive made are skipping on nights out with my friends and hitting the books on a saturday night instead of slamming beers.

 

[TypeA]

Sleep. I used to sleep a lot more. I use it as incentive to get up in the morning ("you can take a nap when you get home") knowing full well that it will never happen. I have asked myself many, many, many times what I wouldn't give up to do this. My faith and my marriage. Everything else doesn't matter enough. The desire will drive you and if you are lucky (thank God I am) your family will be supportive. Heck, I find mine reading SDN and then asking me "Did you know this?" or "Shouldn't you look at this?" He even got me a plum shadowing gig with a DO CT Surgeon at work. I am really greatful for that because time with him is another thing that hasn't been as abundant.

There is a lot of guilt for taking time away from him and spending so much money. We moved here for me to go to school. He just made the best of it. Not one bit of complaining.

Maybe that was more about the spouse/family aspect of it, but I have found that that is the most significant sacrifice.

 

[Dustbunny]

Hi,

Will I regret the toll that I'm now placing on my husband and son that some days during a semester that there only seeing me about an hour a day? I hope they know that it's just as painful for me for not being with them. But at the same time, I hope they know that I'm not just doing this for myself, but for them too.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

I don't believe this line for a minute. You're doing this for you, not for them. I'm convinced people say this because there's this idiotic stigma attached to the idea that doing something for yourself is selfish somehow, and therefore wrong. But it's not wrong. It's to be commended and encouraged.

You're searching for a rewarding career that pays well and offers some security, and is respectable. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Personally I think that being a doctor and a mom who's there for her kids is incongruent 90% of the time, depending on what you do, but then there's also the stigma that the mom should be there more than the dad.

Pharmacy seems much more conducive to the type of lifestyle that that line implies, as opposed to being a doctor. Just my two cents there.

RE: the question at hand? Nothing. Nothing more or less than any other premed or med student has ever given up. Thank God. Giving up the basics is more than enough for me. Most of my friends are out of college. My step brother is married and just bought his first house. He and his wife are electrical engineers, and here I am, just starting out, basically.

I feel so far behind. So I guess that I'd have to say that I'm giving up "keeping up with the Joneses" for a few years. Not that I ever cared about that much in the first place. And I've sort of let go of the idea of ever getting married. But who knows how long that'll last.

 

[MedStudentWanna]

You're searching for a rewarding career that pays well and offers some security, and is respectable. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

And you don't think that a career that pays well and offers security is for her son? Who exactly do you think will benefit from her having such a career?

 

[Animus]

I don't believe this line for a minute. You're doing this for you, not for them. I'm convinced people say this because there's this idiotic stigma attached to the idea that doing something for yourself is selfish somehow, and therefore wrong. But it's not wrong. It's to be commended and encouraged.

You're searching for a rewarding career that pays well and offers some security, and is respectable. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

She did not say she was only doing it for them...so what you said really does not make any sense. She specifically said not only for ME but for them too. Hence she knows she wants all that comes with being a doctor and at the same time knows that this success will help her family financially and perhaps even help her child pay for college etc.

Contrary to what you say people can have both ideas in there mind and that is what she said and it can definitely be true.

 

[Animus]

Also to answer the topic at hand I have perhaps given up my relationship. Have been with my girlfriend for 6 years and now we are going to medical school across the country. We will try our best to stay together but it is a long time to be apart and only see eachother on holidays. We understand what is ahead and hope for the best.

 

[Dustbunny]

You're quite right. I suppose I was more addressing the mythical Others who often say "I'm doing XYZ for [someone other than themselves]" and more directed it at the OP because it was convenient.

That probably wasn't fair. 😛

 

[spicedmanna]

The original meaning of the word, "sacrifice," is to do the work of the heart. It is sacred work. Using this connotation, my entire journey from the day that I realized that I wanted to go down this specific path, to where I am sitting here now, about to start medical school in a couple of months, has been sacred work.

When I used to get up at 4 am to hand out towels at fitness centers in the middle of nowhere, or carry heavy bags to hotel rooms to the sound of many screaming children, I shuddered inwardly, sometimes, but always moved forward knowing that I was working toward a specific goal. When I went home, I would feel exhausted, but I went home with cash in my pocket and a sore arm that told me that I had earned my keep for the day. It was an honest day's work. Chop wood and carry water; it was very Zen, in spirit.

While the outward manifestation was different, that is essentially how I've felt underneath every single experience I've had on this medical school application journey, from the moment that I had the idea, to when I gave up everything to do a post-bacc, when I lost countless nights of sleep, shuffling off to class with deep bags underneath my eyes, to when I applied and got accepted. Each day was lived in the spirit of chop wood and carry water, and I savored all the moments that I was working, sacredly, toward my goal.

Many days, I studied physics, chemistry, and biology, late into the night by myself in a dark, roach-infested, hole somewhere, while my friends quietly got married, went to work, had their kids, and built their homes. I learned about things such as the laws of thermodynamics, the pi-system of an aromatic ring, and how the crinkly green pea differed genetically from the smooth yellow pea, and wrote lots of 5-10 page lab reports, while the college fraternity kids who lived nearby drank and played loud through the night. Beer bongs and cell apoptosis. I had to remind myself why I was doing what I was doing as I drank copious amounts of coffee to stay wake. I did what I had to do, and I finished with 35 credits of straight A's.

Then it came time to put all of my cards on the table. Time to put all of my work to the test. I took the MCAT and scored a 28P, with a 07 in PS. It was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I was left humbled, but it was over and the MCAT beast had finally been quieted. My score wasn't what I had expected, but at the end, it proved to be enough. I applied, interviewed, and stayed up and read SDN for information (as well as for my own addicted amusement). Even despite myself, despite all of the things that I had done that were non-ideal in this application process, I somehow managed to get accepted to a school that I had that deep-down in my bones feeling that I was going to be happy to attend. I am lucky and I also deserved every minute of joy that I received when I got that acceptance letter. I'm finally on my way to becoming a doctor...

So, yeah, it was sacred work, all of it. And I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[scpod]

I hope they know that it's just as painful for me for not being with them.

Be careful with that quote. If you really believe that the ends justify the means, then it's OK-- just take some time to evaluate the situation. My story is nothing new; I've told it before, but you may not have been around for it. Here goes:

I was very unhappy in my previous life because I absolutely hated what I was doing for a living. I was incredibly unhappy...and it showed. One day I made the deciscion to go back to college, finish my prereqs, and go to med school. My fiancee was my biggest supporter at the time, and my cheerleader. She thought it was the greatest thing in the world. We had been together for about 15 years at the time, but neither of us were truly happy because we had never accomplished what we wanted to do in life. I looked at this as if it was going to save us-- it was something that would make both of us happier and make out lives better. I was determined to do anything that it would take to make it become a reality.

At first, it was easy. The first semester I was actually able to take two classes at lunchtime and two more at night because the university was about 5 miles from work. But after that it became more complicated. The upper level classes I needed weren't available when I wanted them, so I had to quit work. My income went to zero overnight...but remember I was doing it for "us".

I knew that at my age, I would need to make the best grades possible and I aimed for nothing less than A's. Low and behold, I made all A's the first semester. I ran into a problem the second semester because I spent 14 days in the hospital with pancreatitis. It was an amazing comeback, but I managed to complete all my make up work before the summer began and I made all A's again. I was on a roll-- nothing could stop me at that point.

The next semester I gave up darned near everything in my life in order to make it work. I was taking Physics and Orgo and Cell Bio and some other classes all at once and I just had to make A's. I started working in the Writing Center on campus and two other part-time jobs as well to make ends meet, but I still had time for all A's. Unfortunately, there wasn't much time for my fiancee, but she was understanding. After all, I was doing this for "us", right? I'll have to say I pretty much ignored her most of the time at that point-- I just didn't have the time. Besides, we had been together for years...and we'd have lots more when this was all over, right?

Then came the MCAT and the application process on top of everything else, but she stook right beside me. We made a lot of plans for the future. She just couldn't wait for interviews to start because we were planning on visiting schools all over the country together. Finally, there was something that we could both do together and our relationship was back on the upswing. We made plans the first week of August to get married at set a date for June of the following year, the month after my graduatuion. We would take the honeymoon at the end of June, move to our new destination in July, and I would start school in August. We had put it off for a lot of years , but had planned to finally start a family and were going to begin trying in January. Nice plans, huh. All that stuff I was doing for "us" was going to pay off. All the times I had ignored her because I had a test the next day-- just for get about that. That didn't matter anymore.

Two weeks after we set the wedding date she died. She had stopped at Walmart to buy one of those visor things for her car and a box of tampons. She collapsed in the parking lot and never took another breath.

All I could think of was those times that I had the chance to be there for her and failed-- because I was doing something for "us". She needed me desparately, but I had to study that night for the MCAT-- It was written in my day planner and I couldn't go against that, could I?

You never know what is waiting for you right around the corner. There will always be sacrifices that you have to make...but there are some things more important than school-- more important than grades-- more important than than doing it for "us".

 

[spicedmanna]

...You never know what is waiting for you right around the corner. There will always be sacrifices that you have to make...but there are some things more important than school-- more important than grades-- more important than than doing it for "us".

Wow, scpod, that's one powerful and moving story. Thank you for sharing it. This reminds me to always take the time (and there is no time that is better than the present) to pause and appreciate all of the wonderful people and things that are truly important to me, no matter how deeply intrenched in the pursuit of my goals I might sometimes get.

 

[Animus]

Wow, scpod, that's one powerful and moving story. Thank you for sharing it. This reminds me to always take the time (and there is no time that is better than the present) to pause and appreciate all of the wonderful people and things that are truly important to me, no matter how deeply intrenched in the pursuit of my goals I might sometimes get.

I agree that is a crazy story man, I am truly sorry for your loss. Thinking about that happening right now I cant help but feel for you. I hope this only makes your resolve stronger though as it seems to me it would only solidify my need to finish this path if I were you.

Thanks for sharing and thanks for that reality check.

 

[Oceaner]

^ 🙁 I am sorry about your loss as well... thank you for sharing your pain with us though, that really puts everything into perespective.

 

[doinmybest5840]

So anyway, BLah-BLah-Blah... What kinda of things have you given up? Any difficult things you may of had to deal with to get to the end of the "marathon"?

But if you reply and say.... not much....I will scream and go crazy because that's not what i want to hear

I've pretty much given up any semblance of a social life, which is hard when none of my friends are pre-med, and none of them seem to have any homework. It's hard to hear about and see pictures from all the fun times my friends have had while I've been stuck studying for an orgo exam, or pchem exam, or any other heavy duty pre-med exam. I had no summer last year, thanks to my MCAT course and physics tutoring to prepare. The biggest sacrifice I've probably made, though, would be in the area of dating. I have yet to have a serious relationship, because everytime I find a guy I like, I can't give him the time he needs, so he finds someone else who can. And I can't really blame the guy, because I'd want to be paid attention as well. But my studying comes first, as it has for the last 8 years in high school and college. I am not complaining, but it gets a little hard when I have friends who are getting married, and I'm still sitting around alone. Maybe this sounds immature or selfish to someone who already has a family, but as a 22-year-old woman, it's hard not to notice you're missing out on having a love life, especially when your mother is constantly whining that she's "going to die before I have any grandkids." Thus is the curse of having a long line of young mothers (my mom married at 22, and was done having her three kids by 26). But hey, that's life, right? I want to be a doctor, so for now, this is what I have to do. Love can wait. I hope. 🙂

Hang in there, though... I'm sure your family understands what you're going through.

 

[PlAnEjaNe]

Two weeks after we set the wedding date she died. She had stopped at Walmart to buy one of those visor things for her car and a box of tampons. She collapsed in the parking lot and never took another breath.

All I could think of was those times that I had the chance to be there for her and failed-- because I was doing something for "us". She needed me desparately, but I had to study that night for the MCAT-- It was written in my day planner and I couldn't go against that, could I?

You never know what is waiting for you right around the corner. There will always be sacrifices that you have to make...but there are some things more important than school-- more important than grades-- more important than than doing it for "us".

Wow scpod, I shed a few tears after reading your story. I can't imagine how you must have felt.

I can relate to the first part of your story with my husband...I have been working so hard in my post bac classes with little time to spend with my husband, between work and school, it leaves only an hour or 2 at the most a day...half of which is spent shoving food down my throat before going to study. Your story has put perspective, I am like how you were....I 'have' to do such and such, because this will help 'us' in the long run.

I think I will remember this story when I get too wrapped up in 'us' and take a moment to appreciate what I have now and remember that the only thing I 'have' to do is be there for my family.

-PlAnEjaNe

 

[ShyRem]

And the sacrifices don't just stop with pre-med. Med school has had far more sacrifices than undergrad for me and my family. The guilt is enormous, the pressure high, and time far too short. And you make compromises. You change your whole way of thinking. You may realize that "pass" with a life is much better than "high pass" with no life at all.

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans (or trying to fulfill goals). Sometimes you need to put your goals aside and stop to smell the roses. Just remember: balance. Balance is important. And you need to find yours.

 

[Dustbunny]

The guilt is enormous,

Why guilt?

 

[Omashu]

First off, I just wanted to thank everybody for their responses....

We can all agree that life in general is never easy ....not just getting to to med school.

SCPOD -you wrote "All I could think of was those times that I had the chance to be there for her and failed-- because I was doing something for "us". She needed me desparately, but I had to study that night for the MCAT-- It was written in my day planner and I couldn't go against that, could I?"

I don't know you or your fiancee.....but I don't think that she would've wanted you to put all this guilt and blame on your shoulders. I come to this conclusion because you mentioned that you where together for 15 years, getting married, and she was moving with you to an area for you to continue your studies. I can't help but assume that she obviously loved you just as much as you love her.

Again, I don't know you....thank you for posting this experience, like the other's said....It does help me keep things in perspective.

 

[Omashu]

I am not naive. I think about All of these things all the time. It definately makes me nervous. Very nervous. But as for changing a different carreer path. I've already thought about it a while ago. I thought about teaching, Biologist, whatever.....Pharmacy....PA.....Nursing - I'm done questioning.

At one point, I made a committment. I will somehow get in the volunteering, the shadowing, the A's & B's, my paycheck, and family time in. I am gonna stop the second guessing, and move on. I'm sick and tired of second guessing myself. Because I can absolutely do this, but I need to commit myself. And I have. So that's what kills....

I don't know everything but I do know what my passion is.

Second Guessing Yourself.....is what makes someone FAIL!!!! I did that half my life. I think that there are alot of people that are extremely talented but they gave up on themselves early on in life.

I have a family. I love my husband and son. But I truly feel that If I stop now.....to spend more time with them.....there only gonna get about half of me. The other half would have died when I gave up on my dream. YES it's a dream because it won't be a reality until I get acccepted. What am I gonna teach my son? To give up on yourself?

Your only given one life. I can not....live it half a$$. I honestly could not give this up......this is part of me.

 

[spicedmanna]

I have a family. I love my husband and son. But I truly feel that If I stop now.....to spend more time with them.....there only gonna get about half of me. The other half would have died when I gave up on my dream. YES it's a dream because it won't be a reality until I get acccepted. What am I gonna teach my son? To give up on yourself?

Quit looking at everything as such absolutes; nobody is saying that you should give up. The world doesn't need to exist that way, unless you frame it that way in your mind. It isn't all-or-nothing and either/or. You aren't a struggling premedical student or a mom and wife. What I think people are saying is that you are in each moment all of these things. There are no defining lines that say one can't be involved with the other. They are through you at the very least. Find out how you can include your family more into your work; don't shut them out.

Good luck!

With love,

Spiced.

 

[arsenewenger]

The original meaning of the word, "sacrifice," is to do the work of the heart. It is sacred work. Using this connotation, my entire journey from the day that I realized that I wanted to go down this specific path, to where I am sitting here now, about to start medical school in a couple of months, has been sacred work.

When I used to get up at 4 am to hand out towels at fitness centers in the middle of nowhere, or carry heavy bags to hotel rooms to the sound of many screaming children, I shuddered inwardly, sometimes, but always moved forward knowing that I was working toward a specific goal. When I went home, I would feel exhausted, but I went home with cash in my pocket and a sore arm that told me that I had earned my keep for the day. It was an honest day's work. Chop wood and carry water; it was very Zen, in spirit.

While the outward manifestation was different, that is essentially how I've felt underneath every single experience I've had on this medical school application journey, from the moment that I had the idea, to when I gave up everything to do a post-bacc, when I lost countless nights of sleep, shuffling off to class with deep bags underneath my eyes, to when I applied and got accepted. Each day was lived in the spirit of chop wood and carry water, and I savored all the moments that I was working, sacredly, toward my goal.

Many days, I studied physics, chemistry, and biology, late into the night by myself in a dark, roach-infested, hole somewhere, while my friends quietly got married, went to work, had their kids, and built their homes. I learned about things such as the laws of thermodynamics, the pi-system of an aromatic ring, and how the crinkly green pea differed genetically from the smooth yellow pea, and wrote lots of 5-10 page lab reports, while the college fraternity kids who lived nearby drank and played loud through the night. Beer bongs and cell apoptosis. I had to remind myself why I was doing what I was doing as I drank copious amounts of coffee to stay wake. I did what I had to do, and I finished with 35 credits of straight A's.

Then it came time to put all of my cards on the table. Time to put all of my work to the test. I took the MCAT and scored a 28P, with a 07 in PS. It was much more difficult than I thought it would be. I was left humbled, but it was over and the MCAT beast had finally been quieted. My score wasn't what I had expected, but at the end, it proved to be enough. I applied, interviewed, and stayed up and read SDN for information (as well as for my own addicted amusement). Even despite myself, despite all of the things that I had done that were non-ideal in this application process, I somehow managed to get accepted to a school that I had that deep-down in my bones feeling that I was going to be happy to attend. I am lucky and I also deserved every minute of joy that I received when I got that acceptance letter. I'm finally on my way to becoming a doctor...

So, yeah, it was sacred work, all of it. And I wouldn't change a thing.

Well written and Good Luck!

 

[spicedmanna]

Well written and Good Luck!

Thank you, and luck to you, too.

 

[EastWestN2grt]

Shuntington, it seems you have already reached the point of stepping off the proverbial ledge. You have decided on the path to studying medicine, have taken the first steps by taking some classes and are now trying to justify to others, maybe your family(probably more yourself) the importance of studying medicine to reaching personal fullfillment. But unlike most premeds who are single, w/out kids you come into this married and with a child. Since marriage, and especially child-rearing is naturally stressful, adding the work necessary for getting into and getting through medical school adds a significant burden to the stress. You will find stories
(especially in the non-traditional forums) of others who have with marriage and kids sucessfully become physicians. At the same time you will find many others stories of those who have become physicians, but along the way have become divorced, ended relationships, etc.

Lets be honest though, this path is about yourself(myself). We do this because for whatever reason it is what we BELIEVE will fullfill us in our lives. Make us complete (whatever complete means). It is not for them! It is all about me(you)!

If you husband loves you, he will bend over backwards to try and help you realize this dream--because he senses, or maybe knows, at some level this will make you happy, in a way that he cannot. But some people can only bend so far and it is very likely that the stress placed on the realtionship could also break it. The time and committment of this path is akin to having another relationship/marriage--all your time and effort is now spent with this new lover/medicine and your personal relationship will undoubtedly suffer.

DO not in the least bit try to justify in your own mind that you are 'teaching' your child a lesson in perseverance and how to follow your dreams by pursuing this path. Your child will be only interested in one thing, why isn't mommy with me now? You must accept that by choosing this path your time with your child is going to be significantly impacted. This path is also like another child, for it to grow it demands nurturing/studying as well as time and commitment---all your time and effort is now spent with this new child/medicine and your relationship with your child will undoubtedly suffer. At the same time, who is going to pick up the extra child-rearing work in your absence---your husband(or some other family member if you have that support). If it is your husband, this added work just adds more strain and stress to him and thus your relationship.

In your posts, I see myself two years ago. I had stepped off the ledge and had begun the premed journey as a post bacc with a loving partner and a child. I now find myself in a somewhat state of limbo, finished with pre-med classes and waiting for medical school to begin. This downtime has made me more reflective. My situation today: seperated with two children, and ready to spend the next year in medical school a 6 hour drive away from my kids. What happens in years 2,3 and 4 when I am in the other side of the country I cant even fathom. But I accept my situation, and its consequences.

I dont remember who wrote this but its a very fitting quote:
"You can have ANYTHING you want in this world, as long as you are willing to give up everything else."

ask yourself, what are you willing to give up.

 

[scpod]

...I have a family. I love my husband and son. But I truly feel that If I stop now.....to spend more time with them.....there only gonna get about half of me....

Like Spiced said, it's not a question of absolutes. You don't have to "give up" entirely, but the one thing you will NEVER get back is the time you lose with your family now. Find a way to let them be a part of the process, like getting them to help you study, or something like that. Let them support you. You will need them along this path because it's just beginning. You think it's bad now? Just wait until you actually get into med school.

You'll never truly understand how valuable the little things are in life until you lose them. Trust me on this. I just hope that you never have to find out.

 

[ShyRem]

Why guilt?

I can't even count the number of school plays I missed. But more than that, I moved my whole family away from their home. Their friends, their schools, a way of life we have come to know and love. Due to circumstances beyond my control (read: the sellers lied), the home we were to purchase fell through the day before we were to close and move in. So, the beginning of enormous guilt. I move my whole family over 2000 miles away from home and end up begging for a spot of floor for not just me, but my children and husband to sleep on for the first two months of school, while every moment not in school we looked for a home. Guilt. We had 5 days of clothes, no toys, one pair of shoes each, no TVs, no games, no books. Nothing. No kitchen to cook in. No bathroom to go cry in. Nowhere to sit and do homework. And there are the times I couldn't make school plays, baseball/lacrosse games, parties. I sent my husband's career to the bottom of the ladder. And the bottom of the pay scale, the bottom of shift work with no vacation time. I didn't even go shopping for Christmas gifts or birthday gifts. My husband bought and wrapped his own Christmas gifts.

And you ask: why guilt?

I am fortunate. My children and husband believe in me and even while we were homeless, kept telling me they were proud of me, that it would all work out. My kids called that period of time "the extended camping trip." And while my husband's work thing really sucks, he looks at me and reminds us both that this is for our future. Because all he wants to do it be Mr. Mom at home, and what I really want is to be a doctor. This time in medical school, while difficult and guilt ridden now, will make both dreams a reality. And we are a stronger family for it. A sense of humor really helps.

And yet there is still guilt for all I have ripped my family away from, the times we have gone through, and the hard times I know are yet to come (rotations, residency...). And I know the guilt is my own, not pressed on me by someone else, but of my own doing. And if I cared less, I could turn it off. But I can't. You learn to deal with it, which isn't too bad as long as everyone is together on the journey with you. And you learn to cherish and treasure the priceless gifts that your loved ones are.

scpod, you have my condolences and my utmost respect for continuing your journey. Your loss has been the greatest of all.