What to ask BEFORE you get married!

[relatively prime]

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One of the other threads inspired me to start this one...

Please add anything I'm not thinking of...


1) Why do you love me?
Yeah yeah, we all have already asked this a billion times... but you have to really get an answer. The "you're cute and smart" reason may get you in the mood, but it's too non-specific to really mean anything.

2) Where will we live? What will we do?
I think people should ask each other if they want to live in the city/country, north/south, near home/far from home, etc. etc...And I think they should ask each other what the plan is going to be... i.e. is one person going to stay home? who's going to work? what kind of hours is he/she (or we) going to be working?

3)How many kids do you want? And how do you want to raise them?
none? 1? 2? 20? It's funny how some people don't ask each other this until a few months before a wedding.

Girls, this may scare your men (or vice versa) but talk about your ideas about child care. Do you believe in public or private school? should kids have lots of discipline or a little? what comes first? Sure, a lot of these questions will be extremely premature and the answers may change, but it's good to know how each other think.

4)What would you do if...?
Come up with really great (or really horrible) scenerios and ask each other what you'd do in those cases. THis is not to prepare for those case... it's just to learn more about each other's character. For example... you might ask "what would you do if we won the lottery?" or "what would you do if I lost a limb?"

Also do this with more practical questions, like... "what if your mother wanted to live with us?" or "what if our kid turns out to be gay?"

5)Do you believe in God? what is your faith?
Your sig. other way have a whole spiritual life you never see or hear about.. so investigate. 🙂

6)What do you value most?
Other than the cute answer "you baby." 😉

7)What do you think about....?
Ask about your lovers' political views... they may not have any... but that's good to know too.



I know I'm missing a bunch... so maybe some other married people can help me out. 😀

 

[radspouse]

These are actually all very good questions and worth asking before committing to marriage.

I think the answers to these are more important than, say, making sure you have sex before marriage (interestingly, my husband and I did answer those questions prior to engagement and didn't have sex prior to marriage - we've been married over 9 years now and quite happily I might add 😉 ).

 

[radspouse]

Another good question:

What are his/her parents like? One can get a good feel for the faults of an individual by observing the people/person who raised him/her. Observing how each of a person's parents interact with a member of the opposite sex (and particularly their own spouse/s.o.) can give you a good clue with what types of habits/opinions were instilled in this person as a youngster.

 

[jeanne]

Another good question:

What are his/her parents like? One can get a good feel for the faults of an individual by observing the people/person who raised him/her. Observing how each of a person's parents interact with a member of the opposite sex (and particularly their own spouse/s.o.) can give you a good clue with what types of habits/opinions were instilled in this person as a youngster.

Be careful with this one, if my boyfriend were to judge me based on my family I think he would have RAN FAR FAR AWAY and FAST long ago!! More important I think is how your sig other interacts with their family, how they treat their rents & siblings etc. Especially important to me is seeing how my boyfriend treats his mother--not necessarily how his mother is though or how she behaves in relationships.

 

[radspouse]

Ahhh, but one can scarcely live for almost a couple of decades with another individual (and, during their most impressionable stage of life) without picking up the behavior of that person ("authority figure"). It is a very, very good indication of bad habits that may only come out after living with an individual for quite a while on a family-level. It's also good to see the interaction between a potential spouse's parents - that is the model your potential spouse had for an adult relationship; and, it's one he/she will follow unless he/she makes a conscious effort to do otherwise (and, even then it might prove difficult!).

🙂

 

[Smilemaker100]

All of the questions you wrote about are good things to consider, however, often I find that "ACTIONS SPEAK FAR MORE STRONGER THAN WORDS." Many people make promises they don't keep so words mean nothing to me anymore.

If you want to know how a man will treat you, just look at his relationship with his mother...I know from experience that this will highly predict how he relates to the opposite sex. Also, observe how a man treats people in his close environment...how does he behave with his neighbors, his co-workers, boss, or just the regular Joe Smith ( bus driver, janitor etc. ) or Jane Doe ( cleaning lady etc.). Is he philanthropic? Some men are "artificially nice" with a woman at the beginning of a courtship so one must REALLY observe his disposition toward everyone else in his immediate environment to get an indication of what his real personality is like.

I think some additional pertinent questions would be...

1)Would you still be faithful to me if I got fat and ugly?

2)Would you nurse me or care for me if I fell ill with some chronic debilitating disease?

3)What are the faults which I have which you can't stand ? How do you intend on dealing with them?

4) What are the most important things you would teach to your children?

5) Is "keeping up with the Jones" more important to you than simply living the comfortable life minus those extra luxuries? Would you rather spend time doing extra hours at work or spending it with me?

6) How will you keep our romance alive?

7) What does success mean to you? What does happiness mean to you?

8) Will you give me space to devote to my hobbies and have free time for myself (girls night out , working out , etc.) ?

9) What do you think about my parents? What do you like/not like about them?

10) How do you feel about yourself? How do you cope with stress? Do you use recreational drugs or alcohol to elevate your spirit?

If a man has a low self esteem and is not genuinely happy, this will likely pause a problem in your relationship. You want to be with a man who is emotionally and psychologically stable- someone with a strong foundation who will cope well with changes in life. It's almost a guarantee that a man who thinks lowly of himself will somehow manifest this in your relationship- send him for therapy before thinking of a serious commitment- a lot of women try to play therapists, only to feel frustrated and unhappy because the relationship gets one-sided. Marriage will not "cure" or change a man.

Very often, friends and boyfriends love being around you when the times are good, but as soon as the going gets rough they suddenly become unavailable...it is in difficult times that you will realize who authentically loves and cares about you.The ultimate proof of love or a man truly worth it is the man who will raise you when you are low...everything else is meaningless. If a man intentionally hurts you or is jealous and possesive-run away as far as you can! A man who truly loves you will never try to hurt you or make you cry.

But the ULTIMATE test to know if a man is "marriage material" is to see how he compares with my dad- if a man shows the potential of becoming as good a husband and as good a father as my dad, he will be the man for me! 👍

 

[mudbug]

There are books full of questions like this. I haven't read them all or anything, but I've looked through several and read a couple and The Hard Questions by Susan Piver is my favorite:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...f=sr_1_5/002-5773507-9218404?v=glance&s=books

The intro is cheesy, but the questions are pretty good.

 

[Biogirl361]

a word about the parents thing. parents can affect their impressionable kids in different ways, for example my bf's dad cheated on his mom and they got divorced, and it affected the bf so negatively as a child that divorce is the worst imaginable thing to him and he will do ANYTHING to avoid it, and he thinks cheating is terrible. so his not-so-much role models have made him a better person as far as relationships, having experienced the pain that divorce causes where a little boy that grew up in a perfect family might not understand the consequences and impact on everyone involved.

 

[relatively prime]

1) What is your HIV status and may I see your doctor's report?

2) What is your credit history and may I see your report?

3) Will you please provide a background check of all the cities you lives in?

4) Do you know I won't marry you if you don't provide ALL of the above? 👍

I don't know about some of these... For 1) most people have sex before they are married... so getting an AIDS test before marriage would be a bit late. As for 2), that's just kinda wierd (unless you haven't know the person very long)... but if you've know someone for a year or so, you should have a good idea of their financial situation. Now if they've borrowed money from you and haven't paid it back(and you don't know why)... then that's something to think about. But at that point I'd just say consider leaving the person even without a credit check. and 3) would only be neccessary if you couldn't meet this guys parents and friends and relatives... or if things didn't seem to make sense.

 

[Sohalia]

I definitely think the 2 of you should be tested for everything (HIV, hep C, etc.) prior to having sex without condoms. It would be best if you could show each other your reports and discuss past sexual history (who else has he had unprotected sex with and how long was he with this person?) Of course it goes without saying that if you're not using condoms then the relationship MUST be monogamous.

 

[SMW83]

1) What is your HIV status and may I see your doctor's report?

2) What is your credit history and may I see your report?

3) Will you please provide a background check of all the cities you lives in?

4) Do you know I won't marry you if you don't provide ALL of the above? 👍

ask all these questions and you sound like the psycho from hell....and you'll be doomed to being single forever.

 

[relatively prime]

I definitely think the 2 of you should be tested for everything (HIV, hep C, etc.) prior to having sex without condoms. It would be best if you could show each other your reports and discuss past sexual history (who else has he had unprotected sex with and how long was he with this person?) Of course it goes without saying that if you're not using condoms then the relationship MUST be monogamous.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Getting tested is a "before unprotected sex" thing, not a "before the wedding" thing.


With regard to the criminal background check... I guess it depends on the circumstances. If you've known the person since highschool then I think it's kinda silly. It's also kinda silly if you met this person in med school (I don't think any med school is going to accept a convicted rapist). I think it depends on how old the person is (the older you are, the more you can hide in your past) and how professional they are. If you're dating the medical director of the Mayo Clinic, I don't think you need to get a background check.... now if you're dating the Mayor of Florida... maybe 🙂


Same thing goes for credit checks. If you notice the person's phone mysteriously stops working every once in awhile, or if they have more credit cards than you have pictures of your mama, then you should get a credit check. But if you're dating Donald Trump, I'm not sure it's neccessary.

I think it's important to first ask questions... LOTS of questions. And to get to meet everyone related to that person and ask them LOTS of questions. Then if something sticks out, or if something doesn't make sense, or if you just feel a liitle uneasy about something... then you should get these things checked out.

 

[Sohalia]

People of color have the highest rates of HIV infection/disease, so I think the advice of not getting tested before marriage is just dangerous. Maybe this works just fine for the white female living in Boise Idaho, but for the black female living in Atlanta, this is a entirely different story.

You all assume that just because people say their monogamous their telling the truth. If greater than 50% of all married men cheat on their wives, what do you think the rate is for men who are NOT married? You think it's less? Give me a break !!!!! 🙄

Yes, this is a big problem, and even after asking ALL the questions and having both of you tested and coming out negative for everything it is a HUGE thing to have sex without condoms. Even in a supposedly monogamous relationship I would strongly encourage everyone to get re-tested at their annual exam each year (yes, I know about the possibility of false positives, but hey, what if that positive isn't false?). I mean, you know that you've been monogamous, but the fact is all you have is his word, and what is that worth if you end up with HIV? In an ideal world I would say never have sex without condoms, but I think we all know that at some point, say 6 months or a year into the relationship (if not before) he will start angling to do it without condoms (because it feels so much better--for him 🙂 ) and I think we women do try to protect ourselves with the tests and also do want to believe that the relationship is truly monogamous...so despite that little voice in our heads we do have sex without condoms...and keep our fingers crossed...
Does anyone know of any other way to do it? (given a "normal" non-super religious dating background) And, of course you're right pathdr2b, at the point of marriage, most people will be having sex without condoms, and the cheating rate is pretty high, so what then 😕

EDIT: I don't want to come off as sexist (as in what can we poor innocent women do to protect ourselves from those men and their cooties 🙂 ) so, I will admit women can cheat too, and can give guys diseases, but in my life experience and what I've seen from various sources, men cheat more often than women, and many studies have shown that women are more likely to contract HIV and other STDs from penetrative intercourse than men, due to the nature of the vaginal mucosa vs. penile skin.

 

[Sohalia]

With regard to the criminal background check... I guess it depends on the circumstances. If you've known the person since highschool then I think it's kinda silly. It's also kinda silly if you met this person in med school (I don't think any med school is going to accept a convicted rapist). I think it depends on how old the person is (the older you are, the more you can hide in your past) and how professional they are. If you're dating the medical director of the Mayo Clinic, I don't think you need to get a background check.... now if you're dating the Mayor of Florida... maybe 🙂

I think it's important to first ask questions... LOTS of questions. And to get to meet everyone related to that person and ask them LOTS of questions.

From past bad experience I will say that you shouldn't rely on med school to do your screening for you. I know my med school had us sign something so they could do a background check on us, but this guy I dated (at the school) apparently had stuff sealed that he'd gotten probation on (so it wasn't on his record). Also, I don't think it makes it onto the record if you weren't actually convicted for it. So, for example, if the guy has been charged with harrasment/assault multiple times, but the charges were dropped or otherwise not prosecuted, then that would not necessarily be on the record. Just because a guy is in med school, or even a doctor does not make him a good person.

Relatively_prime is right about asking questions, but you've really got to listen to the answers. If I had truly listened to all the horrible stories about things that had gone on in this person's life, and not been all idealistic and non-judgemental I would never have dated him (or had to get a restraining order against him later 😡 ) Listen to your heart and talk to your friends/family about the person you're with. Even if you're willing to look past stuff, if there are things you have to edit about your SO when you discuss him/her with people you care about, this person is probably not a great bet.

 

[relatively prime]

that is as a woman of color, I'd had better dam well be looking out for myself! 👍

OMG! Are you serious? For the past two years I've always thought you were a white guy. lol! I hope that doesn't offend you... sorry. But I think it's funny that I could be so wrong.


I guess you're right about the testing and the background checks. But I'm thinking of my own situation too much I guess. My husband and I both went to the same highschool. I was close friends with his brother. He came from a conservative culture and we were virgins when we got together. So asking for a criminal background check and an AIDS test just seemed weird to me. But I see the wisdom in it if you don't know so much about your partner.

I still believe that if you ask enough questions (to your partner and his friends and family) you can pick up enough hints to know you if any further investigative action needs to be taken.

 

[pathdr2b]

OMG! Are you serious? For the past two years I've always thought you were a white guy. lol! I hope that doesn't offend you... sorry. But I think it's funny that I could be so wrong. .

I just can't figure out why most of the time people assume I'm a white dude on SDN, but I'd guess it's the strong personality combined with virtual "cohones" the size of Texas!

My husband and I both went to the same highschool. I was close friends with his brother. He came from a conservative culture and we were virgins when we got together.

Well if I had married my high/college school sweeheart, then no I probably wouldn't ask any of the questions I listed above either. But these days, it doesn't seem that too many people are sticking with their first loves.

PS- I thought you were a white dude too! 😕

 

[relatively prime]

PS- I thought you were a white dude too! 😕

lol! Fair enough, at least you were partly right! Haha

I think in our minds "white dude" is like the generic person, then we have to get clues to make us think the person is something else. weirdness 😕

 

[Smilemaker100]

1) What is your HIV status and may I see your doctor's report?

2) What is your credit history and may I see your report?

3) Will you please provide a background check of all the cities you lives in?

4) Do you know I won't marry you if you don't provide ALL of the above? 👍

I think if you know someone long enough and trust them enough, you won't need to ask such direct questions!!!!! If you don't trust someone then that is already a bad sign!

 

[Smilemaker100]

OMG! Are you serious? For the past two years I've always thought you were a white guy. lol! I hope that doesn't offend you... sorry. But I think it's funny that I could be so wrong.


I guess you're right about the testing and the background checks. But I'm thinking of my own situation too much I guess. My husband and I both went to the same highschool. I was close friends with his brother. He came from a conservative culture and we were virgins when we got together. So asking for a criminal background check and an AIDS test just seemed weird to me. But I see the wisdom in it if you don't know so much about your partner.

I still believe that if you ask enough questions (to your partner and his friends and family) you can pick up enough hints to know you if any further investigative action needs to be taken.

High five to you girl! It is so fantastic to hear that there are still women and men out there who don't believe in pre-marital sex!!!! 👍

 

[relatively prime]

High five to you girl! It is so fantastic to hear that there are still women and men out there who don't believe in pre-marital sex!!!! 👍

Oh sorry... I think you misunderstood. We lost our virginities to each other BEFORE we got married... long before... 😳 😳


But don't be too disappointed I know there are still lots of men and women out there who don't believe in pre-marital sex (I'm just not one of them).

 

[Dodohead]

Back to the original topic, if I may...

My husband and I were long distance for a lot of our relationship. Since we knew early on that we would only do long distance if we were going to have a serious relationship (namely, for us, one headed toward marriage), we used our long hours on the phone to discuss alot of the "hot topics" mentioned above. We played a lot of "What if..." and other getting to know you games. We bought more than a few relationship books such as "Saving your Marriage before it Starts," "Finding the Love of Your Life," and a bunch of others and we read and talked about the topics in a lot of detail before we decided to get married. Alot of these books have long checklists of things that need to get discussed before marriage, such as gender roles within marriage, gender roles in your family as a child, as well as incredibly nit-picky things like, who is going to set out fresh towels and the like.

We also played a lot of board games that ask some fun and searching questions (Chicken Soup for the Soul, Imagine If), we did quizzes from psych books about roles and marriage, we even took together an on-line pre-marriage counseling class that had us examine things about our past and our perceptions of marriage, our attitudes towards sex and children, etc.

Anyway, I found that spending so much of our time productively talking about things like this really helped me determine whether or not I could marry him. There are a lot of great relationship and communication books out there, if you and your SO are seriously considering marriage and want to really discuss things that might be "hot-topics" later on down the road.

 

[JAMMAN]

ASK FOR A PRE-NUP...seriously!

 

[ArmCandy]

Women wonder why men are afraid of comitment??? Sounds like the potential spouse is interviewing for a job, rather than a marriage. Relationships are supposed to be enjoyable, not more work. If your thinking about marrying this person these thing should be known without asking.

1)Would you still be faithful to me if I got fat and ugly?

2)Would you nurse me or care for me if I fell ill with some chronic debilitating disease?

3)What are the faults which I have which you can't stand ? How do you intend on dealing with them?

4) What are the most important things you would teach to your children?

5) Is "keeping up with the Jones" more important to you than simply living the comfortable life minus those extra luxuries? Would you rather spend time doing extra hours at work or spending it with me?

6) How will you keep our romance alive?

7) What does success mean to you? What does happiness mean to you?

Where do these questions take place is there a two way mirror? A line up after? Your definately threatening life imprisonment. Why not throw in "Does this dress make me look fat?" I love that one. Kinda makes me want to run from the computer right now.

 

[LADoc00]

Didnt read over the response so maybe Im repeating someone else, but things to ask women:
Have you ever lived in Los Angeles, specifically Van Nuys?
Related to my first question, have you ever worked in porn aka the "business" aka the adult film industry aka adult modeling or had a significant period of time where you blacked out in and around the San Fernando Valley?
Have you ever been a stripper or taken your clothes off for money?
Have you ever taken your clothes in presence of multiple people and not got paid?
Have you ever dated man who wore a fur hat and had a gold tooth, even once?
Have you ever been to the Playboy mansion, yeah I know you just went there for the "party"?

I would start off with that, which would eliminate around 80% of the good looking women in LA metropolitan area.

😎

 

[Peeshee]

I think that pre marital counseling is a good idea before marriage. It will bring up a lot of issues important to making a marriage work and maybe even bring up things to work on that you didnt know existed before. It also shows that both partners are serious and committed to make the marriage last. (although I must say many have still gotten divorced after having gone through all this!)

 

[MoosePilot]

Women wonder why men are afraid of comitment??? Sounds like the potential spouse is interviewing for a job, rather than a marriage. Relationships are supposed to be enjoyable, not more work. If your thinking about marrying this person these thing should be known without asking.

1)Would you still be faithful to me if I got fat and ugly?

2)Would you nurse me or care for me if I fell ill with some chronic debilitating disease?

3)What are the faults which I have which you can't stand ? How do you intend on dealing with them?

4) What are the most important things you would teach to your children?

5) Is "keeping up with the Jones" more important to you than simply living the comfortable life minus those extra luxuries? Would you rather spend time doing extra hours at work or spending it with me?

6) How will you keep our romance alive?

7) What does success mean to you? What does happiness mean to you?

Where do these questions take place is there a two way mirror? A line up after? Your definately threatening life imprisonment. Why not throw in "Does this dress make me look fat?" I love that one. Kinda makes me want to run from the computer right now.

Don't take these questions for granted. You might think the answer is a given, but wait until your spouse is hospitalized and on the heart transplant list. My wife and I went through two heart transplants. For 7-8 years of our marriage we dealt with heart transplant issues before her passing this fall. Until something like that happens, most of us never think of it. The time to think of it is before you promise to deal with it. Be sure in your own mind that you will stick with your spouse through anything (perhaps minus some abuse issues) and then stick to that.