I
Incandescent
i am an intern who is in a mountain of educational debt from undergrad and medical school. this is for several reasons: 1. i was fortunate enough to get into great private schools for both and preferred them over my state schools, 2. my parents didn't have a whole lot of income relative to the amount of children they had, and 3. my parents weren't the most knowledgeable or responsible people when it came to financial matters. It's not like they were purposefully ignorant, but more like innocently ignorant. They didn't really learn how to properly invest and save until much later in their lives, and as a result they had nothing for my college/grad school education, wedding, etc.
I don't really blame my parents for this. Its hard for me to blame them for not saving since they always provided me with the necessities: clothing, food, shelter, love. I don't feel like I was entitled to get everything paid for by them. Money was always tight in our house but when you live like that, I guess you learn quickly that money does not have to make your world go round, and there are plenty of things that can keep you happy even if you have little fortune and struggle with debt.
That being said, there's no getting around the fact that when it came to finances, we were not savvy with what we had in terms of saving/investing. So, I assumed the debt of my education and worked a few jobs in college/med school to help with my basic needs.
My spouse has the exact opposite situation. Though he also went to private schools, he has only one other sibling and his father likely makes 3-4 times what my father did at his peak. His father still works, is younger than my father by about a decade, and my father has been retired for over a decade. My spouses parents have been able to finance in full my spouse's education (college/med school) and various other expenses (car, etc) for a long time. My spouse earns an income and has assumed responsibility for most of his life now, but has zero educational debt. Additionally, his parents saved a lot for him and are wise when it comes to investing matters.
He inherited from his parents all this knowledge about money. I inherited none of that from my parents, though I am learning. I have made a few mistakes in the past few years (I accumulated some credit card debt helping out family members and was not able to make interest payments on my debt), but have paid off the card debt and am learning how to be more responsible. There's a lot to learn.
My spouse is terrified by my mountain of debt (only educational, nothing else). Understandable...he's never been in debt before. I am not so scared by it since I am used to it now, and I know that with my income potential and ability to live frugally, we will eventually pay it off, even if it takes years. That doesn't bother me. My spouse thinks I am not concerned enough, and tells me so. What really gets me though, is his judgmental attitude about my parents. He blames our situation on them and has no compassion for them whatsoever.
Since my parents had a hard time paying for some of the wedding expenses in a timely fashion, I paid some of the expenses using only some of the money we received as wedding gifts, and my parents said they can pay us back over time (a few hundred a month). I understand that it was my wedding, and this is what they can do. For god sakes, my parents live month to month on social security and a government pension. They are in their seventies and I feel bad for them. I was never one to believe that it was entirely the parents "responsibility" to pay for their daughters wedding, and I'm happy to contribute even if it comes out of our wedding gifts. (My husband's parents helped with the wedding as well, which was very nice of them). As it is my parents feel guilty about the debt that I am in, and that they couldn't provide they way my spouse's parents did.
My spouse is so pissed by this situation and thinks it totally sucks that we had to help out my parents. He thinks this partly because he believes my parents are "supposed" to pay for the wedding, and were "supposed" to pay for my education the way his parents did. He expressed this to his mother and characterized my parents as "unconcerned" which is farthest from the truth. I hate it when wealthy people label the less fortunate as lazy, unconcerned, or stupid. My parents are none of these things. They had very different life circumstances. My inlaws are nice people, but I hate that their son is feeding them lies about what my parents are like.
I understand that he is not used to debt and would find it alarming that I am in so much. But makes me so angry inside that he has NO compassion for my parents, makes judgments about them, and doesn't even try to put himself in their shoes. Granted my parents were not the greatest to him while were engaged - I can certainly blame them for that - but since we were married they have tried to make amends and be nice. I hate it that he thinks money is the most important thing in the world. What kills me is that he expressed to his mother, "I wish I had thought twice before marrying someone in so much debt."
I don't want to talk to him about it since it will end up becoming this huge thing, and we have already fought so much about it. Why is it so hard for him to be compassionate? Why is it so hard for him to be a little forgiving? Am I being unreasonable? I don't know.
I don't really blame my parents for this. Its hard for me to blame them for not saving since they always provided me with the necessities: clothing, food, shelter, love. I don't feel like I was entitled to get everything paid for by them. Money was always tight in our house but when you live like that, I guess you learn quickly that money does not have to make your world go round, and there are plenty of things that can keep you happy even if you have little fortune and struggle with debt.
That being said, there's no getting around the fact that when it came to finances, we were not savvy with what we had in terms of saving/investing. So, I assumed the debt of my education and worked a few jobs in college/med school to help with my basic needs.
My spouse has the exact opposite situation. Though he also went to private schools, he has only one other sibling and his father likely makes 3-4 times what my father did at his peak. His father still works, is younger than my father by about a decade, and my father has been retired for over a decade. My spouses parents have been able to finance in full my spouse's education (college/med school) and various other expenses (car, etc) for a long time. My spouse earns an income and has assumed responsibility for most of his life now, but has zero educational debt. Additionally, his parents saved a lot for him and are wise when it comes to investing matters.
He inherited from his parents all this knowledge about money. I inherited none of that from my parents, though I am learning. I have made a few mistakes in the past few years (I accumulated some credit card debt helping out family members and was not able to make interest payments on my debt), but have paid off the card debt and am learning how to be more responsible. There's a lot to learn.
My spouse is terrified by my mountain of debt (only educational, nothing else). Understandable...he's never been in debt before. I am not so scared by it since I am used to it now, and I know that with my income potential and ability to live frugally, we will eventually pay it off, even if it takes years. That doesn't bother me. My spouse thinks I am not concerned enough, and tells me so. What really gets me though, is his judgmental attitude about my parents. He blames our situation on them and has no compassion for them whatsoever.
Since my parents had a hard time paying for some of the wedding expenses in a timely fashion, I paid some of the expenses using only some of the money we received as wedding gifts, and my parents said they can pay us back over time (a few hundred a month). I understand that it was my wedding, and this is what they can do. For god sakes, my parents live month to month on social security and a government pension. They are in their seventies and I feel bad for them. I was never one to believe that it was entirely the parents "responsibility" to pay for their daughters wedding, and I'm happy to contribute even if it comes out of our wedding gifts. (My husband's parents helped with the wedding as well, which was very nice of them). As it is my parents feel guilty about the debt that I am in, and that they couldn't provide they way my spouse's parents did.
My spouse is so pissed by this situation and thinks it totally sucks that we had to help out my parents. He thinks this partly because he believes my parents are "supposed" to pay for the wedding, and were "supposed" to pay for my education the way his parents did. He expressed this to his mother and characterized my parents as "unconcerned" which is farthest from the truth. I hate it when wealthy people label the less fortunate as lazy, unconcerned, or stupid. My parents are none of these things. They had very different life circumstances. My inlaws are nice people, but I hate that their son is feeding them lies about what my parents are like.
I understand that he is not used to debt and would find it alarming that I am in so much. But makes me so angry inside that he has NO compassion for my parents, makes judgments about them, and doesn't even try to put himself in their shoes. Granted my parents were not the greatest to him while were engaged - I can certainly blame them for that - but since we were married they have tried to make amends and be nice. I hate it that he thinks money is the most important thing in the world. What kills me is that he expressed to his mother, "I wish I had thought twice before marrying someone in so much debt."
I don't want to talk to him about it since it will end up becoming this huge thing, and we have already fought so much about it. Why is it so hard for him to be compassionate? Why is it so hard for him to be a little forgiving? Am I being unreasonable? I don't know.