- Joined
- Jan 25, 2003
- Messages
- 447
- Reaction score
- 0
Which PS is better?
- Thread starter brodaiga
- Start date
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2004
- Messages
- 359
- Reaction score
- 0
Hey buddy, I?m going to start with the second essay, since I?m almost positive it?s the one you wrote.
1) At 18, I screwed up. Highly unprofessional, especially for adcoms.
2) 2) I?m not saying I want to be a plastic surgeon, but I now have a fuller understanding of what it is that they do. Very weak sentence.
Second essay was actually good, which is why I?m assuming that it was the one that was edited. So just fix the last line in the first paragraph:
Additionally, curiosity led me to participate in the clinical side of medicine thereby further solidifying my desire to become physician.
I think it should be ?to become a physician?, you sure this was edited, as in you paid them money to do this?
I read the first essay twice, and I think its great?maybe the whole ?I?ve wanted to be a physician ever since I was a kid? is a little bit old, but you fully backed it up in the rest of the essay?..I don?t know, good thing you put it on the board, because English is not my first language and there are a lot of others here who know better then me, so don't listen to me till you can confirm the same thing from other people🙂 but that was my 0.02
Best of luck?
george
1) At 18, I screwed up. Highly unprofessional, especially for adcoms.
2) 2) I?m not saying I want to be a plastic surgeon, but I now have a fuller understanding of what it is that they do. Very weak sentence.
Second essay was actually good, which is why I?m assuming that it was the one that was edited. So just fix the last line in the first paragraph:
Additionally, curiosity led me to participate in the clinical side of medicine thereby further solidifying my desire to become physician.
I think it should be ?to become a physician?, you sure this was edited, as in you paid them money to do this?
I read the first essay twice, and I think its great?maybe the whole ?I?ve wanted to be a physician ever since I was a kid? is a little bit old, but you fully backed it up in the rest of the essay?..I don?t know, good thing you put it on the board, because English is not my first language and there are a lot of others here who know better then me, so don't listen to me till you can confirm the same thing from other people🙂 but that was my 0.02
Best of luck?
george
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2004
- Messages
- 401
- Reaction score
- 0
I second that. Although you are not writing a legal document or a business plan, you should be careful about your choice of words. Creativity is good. Writing "screwed" in your personal statement is not.
Since you didn't solicit feedback, I'm simply going to say I prefer the first one. It does seem a little long for the AMCAS statement though...
good luck!
Since you didn't solicit feedback, I'm simply going to say I prefer the first one. It does seem a little long for the AMCAS statement though...
good luck!
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2002
- Messages
- 105
- Reaction score
- 0
brodaiga said:
I think the second essay was the edited one - and I like it better. Although the end is not exactly subtle. I agree screwed up maybe a little strong. Perhaps 'messed up' would be a little better. The first essay is very wordy and hard to read. It's tangly and doesn't flow very well.
I didn't read all of it, but I think your first one sounded more educated and clear. The second one didn't seem so professional, not like a doctor. Go with the first. It means nothing bad if you have to pay to edit or just edit it to make it sound "gift wrapped". I think it's important to "speak from the heart" during the interview, rather than the ps. With the first essay, you're going to get them very interested. And you surely made me forget about your mishaps in the beginning of your undergrade career. Damn, that was a good essay. Keep the first.
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2003
- Messages
- 2,023
- Reaction score
- 2
I think the second one is edited, but I think the final version lies somewhere inbetween. Did Mr. Wanger write the second essay? It sounds like his writing.
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2002
- Messages
- 116
- Reaction score
- 0
2nd one definitely sounds like Mr. Wanger's writing. I had him edit mine too, and the writing style is exactly the same.
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2003
- Messages
- 447
- Reaction score
- 0
you guys are right, I wrote the first essay, and had the second one is the edited edition. I realize that my writing can be a little difficult to read, but I feel as if the second essay "dumbs down" my style and it is too direct, simple, and impersonal. Plus when I write my secondary essays they would be nothing like my PS since my style is so different.
If you have any more input, please let me hear it.
If you have any more input, please let me hear it.
- Joined
- May 11, 2004
- Messages
- 134
- Reaction score
- 0
brodaiga said:
Who edited the 2nd essay? I'm just wondering because the one sentence:
made me laugh - I just couldn't imagine someone putting that in their PS.
I did like the first essay better. The second one sounded like a political speech - the sentences were really clipped and short, and tended to repeat themselves, first by saying what you did, and then saying that it's something that we all do. (i.e. "I made a mistake. We all make mistakes.") I disagree with you, though - I think that the first essay was very impersonal. You take all of your experiences, and only talk about them in relation to why they confirm your desire to be a doctor. Try to take your experiences and talk about what they really meant to you, and not worry so much about "well, this shows that I've had clinical exposure, and this shows that I've taken hard classes, and this shows that I've volunteered," etc. It might make for a more personal essay.
Good luck. 🙂
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2004
- Messages
- 24
- Reaction score
- 0
I agree with the person who said that the best essay lies somewhere in between the two. I did get a little lost in your first essay, but found your second essay to be a bit "clipped" (too many short sentences in my opinion). I really liked that you tied in your mistake as a freshman back into the end of the essay (in the second essay). It really made it sound like you learned from it, whereas in the first essay, I was left wondering about it...wondering what you'd done, etc. In the second essay, I didn't really care what you had done, it didn't really matter because you explained what you learned from it.
All in all, with a little tweaking, I like your second essay better. Hope this helps. 🙂
All in all, with a little tweaking, I like your second essay better. Hope this helps. 🙂
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2004
- Messages
- 419
- Reaction score
- 1
I like the warmer "feel" of your first essay, but the second essay is much more well structured and has fewer grammatical lapses; as a result, it flows more smoothly. As others have mentioned, however, the second essay is not without its shortcomings (snipped sentences and repetition, resulting in a bumpy read)-- assuming that the first essay was edited to become the second essay by your pre-med advisor, I'd also suggest that you take whichever one you end up using to an english major (preferably a writing tutor or a professor) for some "style" adjustments to polish it up. This would also help with the syntactical and grammatical errors which abound in each (assuming they were transcribed properly; the second one suffers less in this regard). Good luck. 🙂
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2004
- Messages
- 35
- Reaction score
- 0
Hey brodaiga,
first, i don't think it's a good idea to display your PS for 'everyone'. like lucks said, someone might very well steal it.
Anyways, i think the first essay is better. It's more personal, easier to read and it flows better.
The second one as others have said seems too generic.
another thing is that, your statement seems like a list of your activities/accomplishment. I think you could cut out one or two things(like the independence highschool thingy) and add more details to the rest of the essay.
Good luck
first, i don't think it's a good idea to display your PS for 'everyone'. like lucks said, someone might very well steal it.
Anyways, i think the first essay is better. It's more personal, easier to read and it flows better.
The second one as others have said seems too generic.
another thing is that, your statement seems like a list of your activities/accomplishment. I think you could cut out one or two things(like the independence highschool thingy) and add more details to the rest of the essay.
Good luck
- Joined
- May 26, 2004
- Messages
- 262
- Reaction score
- 1
Wow, you actually paid someone to edit your essay into that debacle that is the second one? Not exactly a ringing endorsement for Essay Edge. I think I'll pass on their services, thank you. While the first could use some minor grammatical tweaks, it is infinitely superior IMHO.
This passage really got me:
"My interest in medicine also comes from the fact that study of the human body is amazing. The level of complexity, utility and efficiently is unfathomable."
How hackneyed and cliche can you be? That guy is a butcher.
This passage really got me:
"My interest in medicine also comes from the fact that study of the human body is amazing. The level of complexity, utility and efficiently is unfathomable."
How hackneyed and cliche can you be? That guy is a butcher.
- Joined
- May 16, 2004
- Messages
- 91
- Reaction score
- 0
I liked the first essay better but it needs a little more work. I think every essay they edit makes it very impersonal. It's like they are writing essays according to a formula but it doesn't really work well for me.
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2003
- Messages
- 261
- Reaction score
- 0
So you just turn your essay in to this service, and they rewrite it for you??
The second one is a much better piece of writing. You can see that an experienced writer was behind it. (Although this particular writer has a penchant for the maudlin, I gotta say.) But I wouldn't turn it in in a million years if it were me. It's easy to take risks like the "B to D cup" thing when you're not the one submitting the essay. Or "screwed up."
Another thing that gives away the fact that an actual premed didn't write it is the omniscience of the second narrator. The author of this essay clearly has seen lots of other essays. He/she knows the cliches and the usual motives, and uses that knowledge to beef up this essay. Example:
"Yes, I played doctor when I was a kid. Many of us did. However, my interest never waned. It only grew stronger with each passing year."
If you are a traditional age premed, how could you be so worldly as to know that "Many of us did?" Who's "us?" Only someone who's already started med school or else read a million essays is going to see premeds as a "group." The insight may be correct, but it sounds overly mature. Is that how you _talk_? (Plus, I think your childhood has to be pretty far in the past to start using pat phrases like "with each passing year blah blah blah"...) I would watch out for having anyone rewrite your essay. Yes, they may be a better writer--grammar and style wise. Yeah, I like how the second essay develops certain themes. But what it's missing is your actual perspective and voice.
As far as the first one, I think you are on the right track by going with that one. It could use some grammatical work though. You have some messy verb tense things going on, and I think you use the present progressive way too often. Oh, and maybe try to use the first person occasionally instead of having so many impersonal sentence subjects.
Ok, good luck. I think you have lots of good material and a nice essay. Maybe you shouldn't post it in public much longer though.
The second one is a much better piece of writing. You can see that an experienced writer was behind it. (Although this particular writer has a penchant for the maudlin, I gotta say.) But I wouldn't turn it in in a million years if it were me. It's easy to take risks like the "B to D cup" thing when you're not the one submitting the essay. Or "screwed up."
Another thing that gives away the fact that an actual premed didn't write it is the omniscience of the second narrator. The author of this essay clearly has seen lots of other essays. He/she knows the cliches and the usual motives, and uses that knowledge to beef up this essay. Example:
"Yes, I played doctor when I was a kid. Many of us did. However, my interest never waned. It only grew stronger with each passing year."
If you are a traditional age premed, how could you be so worldly as to know that "Many of us did?" Who's "us?" Only someone who's already started med school or else read a million essays is going to see premeds as a "group." The insight may be correct, but it sounds overly mature. Is that how you _talk_? (Plus, I think your childhood has to be pretty far in the past to start using pat phrases like "with each passing year blah blah blah"...) I would watch out for having anyone rewrite your essay. Yes, they may be a better writer--grammar and style wise. Yeah, I like how the second essay develops certain themes. But what it's missing is your actual perspective and voice.
As far as the first one, I think you are on the right track by going with that one. It could use some grammatical work though. You have some messy verb tense things going on, and I think you use the present progressive way too often. Oh, and maybe try to use the first person occasionally instead of having so many impersonal sentence subjects.
Ok, good luck. I think you have lots of good material and a nice essay. Maybe you shouldn't post it in public much longer though.
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2003
- Messages
- 2,023
- Reaction score
- 2
brodaiga said:
I knew it!!! That guy has a writing style of his own and it gets picked easily. Regarding people copying your PS, that would be realllllllllllllllllllllllllllly lame of someone to do that. I mean how many people have your "personal" experiences and reasons for going into medicine. Don't worry about getting your PS copied, it won't happen unless some reallllllllllllllly stupid idiot applies with your PS which really won't happen.
Regarding Charlie Wanger, isn't he working for Essay RX and not Essay Edge? He's really good but I guess his style is really picked up easily as me and another SDN'er picked it up and I guess that's really not a good thing.
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2002
- Messages
- 116
- Reaction score
- 0
Yeah, I kind of regret requesting Wanger now because everyone else asks for him too. Kinda sucks that all our essays are going to sound the same. I even noticed that he uses the exact same sentences sometimes when editing different people's essays.
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2004
- Messages
- 359
- Reaction score
- 0
hey guys, please don't be offended brodaiga, like I said, your essays are both good, but I think the second one is better....BUT, I'm sort of glad you posted both, because now I would NEVER use an essay editing service....atleast not essay edge....🙂
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2004
- Messages
- 359
- Reaction score
- 0
oh, by the way (I don't know how to edit my post)....but get your PS's off SDN as soon as you feel you had the replies your looking for...just my 0.00002
george
george
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2003
- Messages
- 44
- Reaction score
- 0
The second essay demonstrated a much more advanced grasp of writing, that being said I'm not sure you want to turn in the edited essay because you will have to turn in secondaries and if they sound like the first essay the adcomm will know you received help, unless you use Essayedge's services again. Previous posters denigraded the use of short sentences, and I agree this use is very different then the style displayed in the first essay, but short sentences have impact and clarity. Vary your sentence lengths, for example. The previous sentence said in four words what I was trying to say in all the words of the sentence begining with "Previous posters..." Also, the first essay is very verbose, only use turgid or polysyllabic words when they are apropos.
More editing comments:
1) It is not "a myriad..." only myriad
2) Don't ever say you learned to "tolerate" patients it sounds very arrogant and uncaring, if I was on the adcomm I would dump your app unless you showed elsewhere you are a very caring person.
3) If you don't use the second essay then at least use the first paragraph of the second essay, it is far superior to the first paragraph in the first essay.
4) Your essay sounds like every other personal statment, try to speak about something unique you can bring to medical school
Now everyone will have a differing opinion on your essay, so take the amalgam of comments as proper advice. Good luck!
More editing comments:
1) It is not "a myriad..." only myriad
2) Don't ever say you learned to "tolerate" patients it sounds very arrogant and uncaring, if I was on the adcomm I would dump your app unless you showed elsewhere you are a very caring person.
3) If you don't use the second essay then at least use the first paragraph of the second essay, it is far superior to the first paragraph in the first essay.
4) Your essay sounds like every other personal statment, try to speak about something unique you can bring to medical school
Now everyone will have a differing opinion on your essay, so take the amalgam of comments as proper advice. Good luck!
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2004
- Messages
- 419
- Reaction score
- 1
scott858 said:
Hate to quibble, but that's not strictly true. 😛 "Myriad" can be utilized as either an adjective or a noun (though it is most commonly employed as a noun). So it is just as acceptable to say "the myriad paths available to a medical student upon selecting a residency..." (adj. usage) as it is to say "a myriad of options present themselves to medical students upon entry into residency..." (noun usage).
I would, however, advise the latter usage unless your well of adjectives doesn't run too deep, as it both flows better in writing and is still considered by many to be the only acceptable usage, even though this is not true. Just to be safe. 😛 The rest of your advice was spot-on. 🙂
