Worthiness

[egerdts13]

Just throwing some thoughts down on paper (or my iPhone, i guess).

I've been struggling with nerves as I am matriculating this fall. School starts in two weeks and though I'm extremely excited, I'm also impossibly nervous. This feels like the biggest precipice I've ever stood on, and I'm going to either make a perfect double-front flip into a dive or I'm going to belly flop flat on my face.

This, at least for me, stems from a feeling of unworthiness. This has been a long road, starting back in high school when I first decided that medicine would be a "fun" thing to pursue for a career. Then came college and a couple gap years and all of a sudden, now we are here. I'm about to start treating patients and learning the intricacies of this craft - but who am I to do so?? One of the most common responses I (and we) get when people ask what I do (cancer research) or what my plans are (medical school) is the "oohs" and "aahs" and the surfacey adoration. People my age, after learning this and the fact that I'm married, say "wow you make me feel like crap! You have your life so together!" Parents of my friends have remarked "man, I wish my son/daughter would've been as committed as you are to your studies." And people older than me say "oh you must be so smart!" But this all begs the question - am I? Am I worthy of all of this? Do I have a right to wield the 10-blade, to make decisions based on vital signs and various tests, and to give people advice and prescriptions and instructions on how to fix what ails them?

I'm just an ordinary 24 year old. There really isn't anything special about me. My grades weren't off the charts, my volunteer experience was nearly nonexistent, and my MCAT score was mediocre. Yet I find myself matriculating into one of the top-10 medical schools in the nation. Why? What have I done to deserve being here?

Through my quarrels with these feelings, I still don't have an answer. We are all unworthy, in my opinion, to be in charge of another's life. However, for whatever reason and through whatever path, we have ended up here. We've been given this calling - and now it's time to rise to the challenge. Be worthy. Be confident. If any of you have had any of these thoughts....discuss and get them of your chest, and let's let that be it.

Let's say it, leave it here, and then go become worthy.


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[bananafish94]

I doubt you got into a "Top 10" school by accident. I'm sure you'll be just fine, and I would imagine it's completely normal to be nervous about starting.

 

[Foot Fetish]

Humble brag: the thread.

 

[Mansamusa]

I'm eyerolling at the philosophical humblebrag lol

You are over-romanticizing things. We weren't chosen because we are worthy; we were accepted because we were capable and relatively decent people. You don't have the right to wield a 10 blade, make decisions, prescribe; you earn the ability to do those things. You won't be in charge of another life; you will be responsible for helping to care for or advise the health of another life (which is still a large responsibility).

Being a physician is a huge privilege and responsibility, but it is one you work for. It's not some big, magical, God-ordained thing. You worked for it and the only thing you have to do to be worthy is continue working hard and being ethical

 

[egerdts13]

I'm eyerolling at the philosophical humblebrag lol

You are over-romanticizing things. We weren't chosen because we are worthy; we were accepted because we were capable and relatively decent people. You don't have the right to wield a 10 blade, make decisions, prescribe; you earn the ability to do those things. You won't be in charge of another life; you will be responsible for helping to care for or advise the health of another life (which is still a large responsibility).

It actually sounds like you have an over-inflated sense of self-worth. Being a physician is a huge privilege and responsibility, but it is one you work for. It's not some big, magical, God-ordained thing. You worked for it and the only thing you have to do to be worthy is continue working hard and being ethical

I appreciate the response, thank you! It was never intended as a philosophical humblebrag as you put it....and I do have a tendency to over romanticize it. But I guess I was just wondering if I'm the only one this jittery this close to starting. That's all.


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[ChopinLiszt]

I didn't see it as a humble brag, really. There are plenty of kids on the opposite side of the ego coin - they think they're hot stuff and deserve everything due to their inherent awesomeness. So at least you seem to have some perspective.
Don't worry too much about anything but exams for a while - you won't have doctoring power or responsibility for several years and several thousand hours of training!

 

[sonicjjw]

I think I can see what the top school saw in you, potential. Such self-doubts and questioning allow one to constantly improve, don't they? for through humbleness one seeks to get better and never yield an inch of sluggishness to take part in. It may not be just your grades, MCAT scores, volunteer experiences, it may have been your attitude toward things, and world. Wish you the best.

 

[mw18]

Almost everyone gets impostor syndrome. That lasts through orientation. Then you start working so hard to make sure the test doesn't tell you that you are unworthy, that you forget about the other feelings. All that will matter to you for the next two years (at least) are tests.

 

[Mansamusa]

I appreciate the response, thank you! It was never intended as a philosophical humblebrag as you put it....and I do have a tendency to over romanticize it. But I guess I was just wondering if I'm the only one this jittery this close to starting. That's all.


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If it is just about being jittery- your classmates will all feel nervous. Once you get to orientation, you'll start having fun (at night after the school events finally end and you get to socialize) and forget about all these concerns- probably until you first start to work with patients. Good luck!

 

[Phloston]

Just throwing some thoughts down on paper (or my iPhone, i guess).

I've been struggling with nerves as I am matriculating this fall. School starts in two weeks and though I'm extremely excited, I'm also impossibly nervous. This feels like the biggest precipice I've ever stood on, and I'm going to either make a perfect double-front flip into a dive or I'm going to belly flop flat on my face.

This, at least for me, stems from a feeling of unworthiness. This has been a long road, starting back in high school when I first decided that medicine would be a "fun" thing to pursue for a career. Then came college and a couple gap years and all of a sudden, now we are here. I'm about to start treating patients and learning the intricacies of this craft - but who am I to do so?? One of the most common responses I (and we) get when people ask what I do (cancer research) or what my plans are (medical school) is the "oohs" and "aahs" and the surfacey adoration. People my age, after learning this and the fact that I'm married, say "wow you make me feel like crap! You have your life so together!" Parents of my friends have remarked "man, I wish my son/daughter would've been as committed as you are to your studies." And people older than me say "oh you must be so smart!" But this all begs the question - am I? Am I worthy of all of this? Do I have a right to wield the 10-blade, to make decisions based on vital signs and various tests, and to give people advice and prescriptions and instructions on how to fix what ails them?

I'm just an ordinary 24 year old. There really isn't anything special about me. My grades weren't off the charts, my volunteer experience was nearly nonexistent, and my MCAT score was mediocre. Yet I find myself matriculating into one of the top-10 medical schools in the nation. Why? What have I done to deserve being here?

Through my quarrels with these feelings, I still don't have an answer. We are all unworthy, in my opinion, to be in charge of another's life. However, for whatever reason and through whatever path, we have ended up here. We've been given this calling - and now it's time to rise to the challenge. Be worthy. Be confident. If any of you have had any of these thoughts....discuss and get them of your chest, and let's let that be it.

Let's say it, leave it here, and then go become worthy.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

I think it's healthy to have the perspective early that one isn't above others. Self-deprecation is important in medicine, not as an affected or disingenuous behavior, but as a sincere recognition that none of us are above anyone else. When you post on a forum like this, any tiny statement you make that could be construed as self-focused or -inflating will be blown up and back at you. But that's an important lesson because people think these things in real life, and in the healthcare setting the threshold is really low for such behavior. No, being in medicine doesn't make us special.

 

[egerdts13]

I think it's healthy to have the perspective early that one isn't above others. Self-deprecation is important in medicine, not as an affected or disingenuous behavior, but as a sincere recognition that none of us are above anyone else. When you post on a forum like this, any tiny statement you make that could be construed as self-focused or -inflating will be blown up and back at you. But that's an important lesson because people think these things in real life, and in the healthcare setting the threshold is really low for such behavior. No, being in medicine doesn't make us special.

I appreciate this. It's funny, after the first two responses I scrambled to try to find out how to delete threads (I'm pretty new to SDN). I was like "dang do I really come across like that?" But you're right, I'll encounter this kind of thing every day, regardless of my own intention.


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[Crayola227]

7/10 humble brag - because the humility was real, and the ineffective delivery was unintentional but still came off as a brag, which actually enhances the whole effect, making this post more entertaining for its irony

this is a compliment, OP. The whole thing was cute & entertatining, rather than an attempt to be obnoxious, so you earned the score.

good luck! you'll be fine! read about Imposter Syndrome
keep the humility you showed here
keep the awestruck respect you have for the profession
keep the romanticism of it as a calling
keep your sense that you're no better than anyone else
and that you will always be striving to be "worthy"
and YOU WILL BE!!

 

[giantswing]

They're being polite.

 

[Goro]

1) all new endeavors are fraught with anxiety
2) you worked very hard to get to where you are. Be proud of that.
3) if the Adcom didn't think you could make it in med school, you're wouldn't be here right now
4) have a little faith in yourself
5) look up imposter syndrome, and apply treatments accordingly
6) if none of this still helps, seek out counseling.

Just throwing some thoughts down on paper (or my iPhone, i guess).

I've been struggling with nerves as I am matriculating this fall. School starts in two weeks and though I'm extremely excited, I'm also impossibly nervous. This feels like the biggest precipice I've ever stood on, and I'm going to either make a perfect double-front flip into a dive or I'm going to belly flop flat on my face.

This, at least for me, stems from a feeling of unworthiness. This has been a long road, starting back in high school when I first decided that medicine would be a "fun" thing to pursue for a career. Then came college and a couple gap years and all of a sudden, now we are here. I'm about to start treating patients and learning the intricacies of this craft - but who am I to do so?? One of the most common responses I (and we) get when people ask what I do (cancer research) or what my plans are (medical school) is the "oohs" and "aahs" and the surfacey adoration. People my age, after learning this and the fact that I'm married, say "wow you make me feel like crap! You have your life so together!" Parents of my friends have remarked "man, I wish my son/daughter would've been as committed as you are to your studies." And people older than me say "oh you must be so smart!" But this all begs the question - am I? Am I worthy of all of this? Do I have a right to wield the 10-blade, to make decisions based on vital signs and various tests, and to give people advice and prescriptions and instructions on how to fix what ails them?

I'm just an ordinary 24 year old. There really isn't anything special about me. My grades weren't off the charts, my volunteer experience was nearly nonexistent, and my MCAT score was mediocre. Yet I find myself matriculating into one of the top-10 medical schools in the nation. Why? What have I done to deserve being here?

Through my quarrels with these feelings, I still don't have an answer. We are all unworthy, in my opinion, to be in charge of another's life. However, for whatever reason and through whatever path, we have ended up here. We've been given this calling - and now it's time to rise to the challenge. Be worthy. Be confident. If any of you have had any of these thoughts....discuss and get them of your chest, and let's let that be it.

Let's say it, leave it here, and then go become worthy.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[NWwildcat2013]

I regret reading this thread.

Just throwing some thoughts down on paper (or my iPhone, i guess).

I've been struggling with nerves as I am matriculating this fall. School starts in two weeks and though I'm extremely excited, I'm also impossibly nervous. This feels like the biggest precipice I've ever stood on, and I'm going to either make a perfect double-front flip into a dive or I'm going to belly flop flat on my face.

This, at least for me, stems from a feeling of unworthiness. This has been a long road, starting back in high school when I first decided that medicine would be a "fun" thing to pursue for a career. Then came college and a couple gap years and all of a sudden, now we are here. I'm about to start treating patients and learning the intricacies of this craft - but who am I to do so?? One of the most common responses I (and we) get when people ask what I do (cancer research) or what my plans are (medical school) is the "oohs" and "aahs" and the surfacey adoration. People my age, after learning this and the fact that I'm married, say "wow you make me feel like crap! You have your life so together!" Parents of my friends have remarked "man, I wish my son/daughter would've been as committed as you are to your studies." And people older than me say "oh you must be so smart!" But this all begs the question - am I? Am I worthy of all of this? Do I have a right to wield the 10-blade, to make decisions based on vital signs and various tests, and to give people advice and prescriptions and instructions on how to fix what ails them?

I'm just an ordinary 24 year old. There really isn't anything special about me. My grades weren't off the charts, my volunteer experience was nearly nonexistent, and my MCAT score was mediocre. Yet I find myself matriculating into one of the top-10 medical schools in the nation. Why? What have I done to deserve being here?

Through my quarrels with these feelings, I still don't have an answer. We are all unworthy, in my opinion, to be in charge of another's life. However, for whatever reason and through whatever path, we have ended up here. We've been given this calling - and now it's time to rise to the challenge. Be worthy. Be confident. If any of you have had any of these thoughts....discuss and get them of your chest, and let's let that be it.

Let's say it, leave it here, and then go become worthy.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

If I didn't know any better I'd think medicine was some Herculean task and you are but a mere mortal chosen by the Gods to complete it and all of humanity depends on your success.

The pedestal you put medicine on makes me think you are just here stroking your ego after having got in.

 

[egerdts13]

I regret reading this thread.


If I didn't know any better I'd think medicine was some Herculean task and you are but a mere mortal chosen by the Gods to complete it and all of humanity depends on your success.

The pedestal you put medicine on makes me think you are just here stroking your ego after having got in.

Then I think you have a dismal view of humanity...


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[Mad Jack]

Then I think you have a dismal view of humanity...


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Medicine is seriously just a job dude. Don't build it up, because it really isn't that fantastic. Those that suffer from hyper-idealism tend to be the ones that burn out and become disillusioned during the clinical years and residency, when they realize things are much more about doing paperwork, checking boxes, following protocols, and handling minutiae than they are about critical thinking, breaking ground, or saving lives. You make it sound as if you're entering some holy temple of a profession, without realizing the place has long-since been defiled by bureaucrats, administrators, politicians, and insurance companies. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall the moment your enthusiasm and idealism breaks.

 

[Mad Jack]

Just throwing some thoughts down on paper (or my iPhone, i guess).

I've been struggling with nerves as I am matriculating this fall. School starts in two weeks and though I'm extremely excited, I'm also impossibly nervous. This feels like the biggest precipice I've ever stood on, and I'm going to either make a perfect double-front flip into a dive or I'm going to belly flop flat on my face.

This, at least for me, stems from a feeling of unworthiness. This has been a long road, starting back in high school when I first decided that medicine would be a "fun" thing to pursue for a career. Then came college and a couple gap years and all of a sudden, now we are here. I'm about to start treating patients and learning the intricacies of this craft - but who am I to do so?? One of the most common responses I (and we) get when people ask what I do (cancer research) or what my plans are (medical school) is the "oohs" and "aahs" and the surfacey adoration. People my age, after learning this and the fact that I'm married, say "wow you make me feel like crap! You have your life so together!" Parents of my friends have remarked "man, I wish my son/daughter would've been as committed as you are to your studies." And people older than me say "oh you must be so smart!" But this all begs the question - am I? Am I worthy of all of this? Do I have a right to wield the 10-blade, to make decisions based on vital signs and various tests, and to give people advice and prescriptions and instructions on how to fix what ails them?

I'm just an ordinary 24 year old. There really isn't anything special about me. My grades weren't off the charts, my volunteer experience was nearly nonexistent, and my MCAT score was mediocre. Yet I find myself matriculating into one of the top-10 medical schools in the nation. Why? What have I done to deserve being here?

Through my quarrels with these feelings, I still don't have an answer. We are all unworthy, in my opinion, to be in charge of another's life. However, for whatever reason and through whatever path, we have ended up here. We've been given this calling - and now it's time to rise to the challenge. Be worthy. Be confident. If any of you have had any of these thoughts....discuss and get them of your chest, and let's let that be it.

Let's say it, leave it here, and then go become worthy.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

You don't need to be some sort of superhuman thinking machine to be a doctor. All it takes is average intelligence and hard work. As to being in charge of another's life, hardly. The patient is, 99% of the time, in charge of their own life. You are just trying to right the wrongs that they have done to themselves. The guy who ate too many sweets with diabetes, the one who smoked 100 pack years starting at 12, the one who is on his third MI because he can't shake the burger habit- these are your wards when their bodies begin to fail them. They want the quick fix, they want to go home, and then everything is on them. They don't have the will or desire to change most of the time, and when they've finally got it, it is often too late. Your job is most often not to save lives, it is to keep people around as long as you can despite their own treatment of themselves. The only one that can truly save them is them, if it is even possible by the point they reach you. Whether it is taking their meds on time, changing their lifestyle, or following your treatment plan, it's them doing the saving, you're just trying to guide them and hoping to god that they listen, or if they don't, that they don't die on your watch.

We aren't angels. We're just speed bumps for the Reaper. And often, we do more harm than good in many ways, but I don't care to discuss that now. That is a topic unto itself.