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I've wanted to be a doctor ever since I saw an episode of Mama's Family. And you know why? Cuz my Mama died when I was 12! Her lips were made of tin because we had bad insurance, and she had an allergy. She was allergic to tin. Watching Mama struggle with that tin allergy inspired me to become a dermatologist. In particular, I remember the way my mother's doctor talked about how bears changed her life. So I became one, but my patients flip everytime they find out I don't have a medical degree yet.
Hailing from Massachusetts, her doctor bet her life savings on the New England Patriots in the 1986 Super Bowl. I don't hail from Massachusetts, but I can sure spell it, and believe I would be a great fit for Harvard Medical School. My prenatal MCAT instructor,a pediatric gerontologist from Harvard, showed me the inseparable connection between medicine and Massachusetts. Not only do they both start with "M", but they're both multisyllabic words (at three and four syllables respectively), and roll off the tongue nicely. In fact, I am told they were my first words: "Medicine. Massachusetts." I said these words while wearing my grandfather's stethoscope. You must understand that my father is a poor man who almost never gets to leave the coal mine, so I have never even been to New England. This is part of the reason why I have always dreamed of becoming an emergency gynecologist. Actually, I show up at the ER every night to volunteer as an emergency gynecologist.
I've only been arrested 3 times - I believe this shows my commitment to medicine. Especially since 2 of those arrests were for assault charges, even though I know the patient needed CPR. How do I know this? The patient told me she thought she needed CPR. So I administered it. I even performed CPR on one of the two guys I beat up and saved him from dying. But he died anyway a day later. Oh well!! Death is a part of medicine, right? Which leads me to tell you about my research about the socioeconomic effects of genital herpes in nematodes. After working closely with the nematodes, I learned firsthand about the social stigma associated with contracting interspecific genital herpes.
This is also why I have decided to file as a disadvantaged student. During my first two years of college, despite my poor grades and multiple suspensions for plagiarism and seducing the dean's wife I came to the realization that a career in medicine would let me combine my love of science and my love for helping people without forcing me to make unnecessary financial sacrifices. I do, however, understand the financial burden of attending medical school, and am willing to make that financial sacrifice. After all, I know what sacrifice means. While saving starving African babies during my summers, I lived in a hut and only had twigs and mud to eat and drink. Despite this, neurosurgery is my passion. I cannot understand how someone would squander 4 years of professional education on a primary care specialty. I'm too talented to waste my gifts just to become a glorified nurse practitioner. I've always believed I had an above average brain-to-body size ratio, and I believe that will help me in becoming a better neurosurgeon. Oh course this gift has always made me look like a watermelon wearing a toupee, but that has humbled me beyond my years.
Speaking of years, this would be the pertinent place to mention that I graduated college at infancy, and have been subsequently granted multiple honorary degrees in underwater basketweaving from major universities.
In addition to the weaving, I minored in communications. To be honest, I am not sure this medicine thing is going to pan out, but I am giving it a shot! I figure the minor will be good backup, just in case. In my upper division communications classes, I learned to save the best part of a paper for last. I am sure that once you hear this story you will let me in, so here we go.
This one time I took an hour to decide between paper and plastic. The supermarket bagger, with nerves of steel, gazed at me with passion, the same kind of passion I have for both medicine and communications. If my indecisiveness for career, or even specialty, isn't enough to impress you I'm also really ridiculously good looking as my mother often told me before she died of a combination of syphilis and a tomahawk to the head. The syphilis *I* gave to her and the tomahawk from our cat, Muffins, who flung it off of a table. Can't you see how I'm disadvantaged and deserve to get in?! And by "flung it off the table," I mean that I was about to behead my baby sibling on the table when the darn animal happened to be in the way and deflect the path of my mortal weapon. Nevertheless, my passion for anatomy prevailed and I dissected my mother. Some claim that it was my dissection and not the syphilis that made her die, but she seemed pretty active writhing in that bathtub. In my dissection I found her syphilis and with my microscope and Muffins, I created a mutant strain which is controlling cat populations around the world, much to the delight of my new best friend, Bob Barker. You should have a letter of recommendation from him soon.
Maya Angelou once told me, "get away from me! Mind your own business, young man." I felt a heart to heart connection, and took her advice and decided what she really meant was to stay away from business, and live life as a young man helping people, because helping people is my second favorite thing to do next to helping animals and the rain forests. Medicine would help me do that.
