Med school spouse with concerns

[bakerhotel12]

Long story short, my spouse has been accepted into med school out of state. I am normally a very private person when it comes to family issues so I will keep this as generic as possible to protect the identity of the innocent parties.

I don't want to move for several reasons. We own a house (owe more than it is worth), our family and friends are nearby, and I have a great job. We have multiple children below the age of 10. I do not relish the thought of trying to rent out the house or worse foreclosing on it while out of state. Selling it is a non-starter. Forclosure or walking away from it does not sit well with me, as we both signed a piece of paper saying we would pay it off for better or worse, While our current financial situation could be better, we all live together in a house, and everyone is taken care of. Moving would require us to live on government assistance, which holds about as much appeal as dental surgery. I like to think that I am a responsible person, paying a very large part of the bills every month, as I work full time, and my spouse works part time. My coworkers and I agree that it is the job of a lifetime, the pinnacle of my personal passion. I have never had a job that I have felt this strongly about. On the other hand, my spouse works in the med field and cannot see themselves continuing to work in their current field, taking orders from doctors, being treated as if they are insignificant.

I am proud that I moved out at a younger age from home and have continued to survive on my own merit, without assistance. The thought of living hand and mouth for 4-8 years terrifies me. The thought of losing my spouse to books for another 4-8 years, and taking care of the household activities and kids on my own is daunting.

Since I have disagreed with my spouse attending med school out of state, I have understandably had hostility and friction in my marriage. I have repeatedly suggested holding out to apply to schools in the area, or retaking the MCAT to improve chances. This has been met with anger due to holding the med school dream back a year or more, and possibly having to restudy and retake the MCAT.

I have suggested to stay here and watch the kids while they go to school on their own, but they are understandably reluctant to part with the children. I am OK with them being away for long periods of time, if they are happily doing what they love to do; study and go to school.

Since med school came up, we have drifted apart. I have suggested marriage counseling, which has been repeatedly refused by them. I have been told that divorce is our only option, since I cannot support their dreams, and they cannot support mine with what they want in life. I do not want to lose my life partner, nor split up my family. That is just inconceivable to me. Where is the 'better or worse part'? I came from a stable family, and knew a close friend who's family went thru a messy divorce that ended with the mother dead from alcoholism, and 2 children that had deep-seated severe psychological issues. My children deserve 2 happy loving parents. I have been told we are too wildly different in our goals to have any chance of a reconciliation. Something has to give. We can't continue to live like this.

I recognize that my spouse has merit in wanting to go to med school due to medical conditions previously experienced and a desire to work as a doctor towards treating this condition with compassion and understanding. I have no doubt that they can complete the schooling. I also realize that being accepted is not something that happens everyday to everyone, and they have worked very hard to reach it. Is it wrong to feel jealous that the choice for med school is obviously more important than our marriage and my feelings? I have lost my partner to books. Their time is spent studying, hanging out online, and generally ignoring me. Now, they spend all of their time when we are together studying or going to school. Where is my special time?

I am sure members can weigh in here as to their experiences and advice for someone in my situation. I am open to (constructive) criticism.

Thanks!

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[DokterMom]

What are the chances of your spouse's being able to become competitive for in-state medical schools? What are the options closest to home? And how competitive/non-competitive is s/he for those schools?

Similarly, on your dream-job -- What relocation options are there? Can you find a similar job where your spouse's medical school is? Even if it's not quite as good?

You say you'd need to go on public assistance if you move to the state where your spouse's medical school is. Are you certain about that? Most med students are able to live on loans while in school, then pay them back afterwards. It's not a comfortable option, but it generally IS an option.

And lastly, how do you feel about your marriage? It seems odd to reject counseling and jump straight to divorce...

 

[bakerhotel12]

What are the chances of your spouse's being able to become competitive for in-state medical schools? What are the options closest to home? And how competitive/non-competitive is s/he for those schools?

At the moment, not so hot. Having been accepted at several schools out of state at the moment, the appeal and desire to restudy for the MCAT and reapplication cycle is a non-starter.

Similarly, on your dream-job -- What relocation options are there? Can you find a similar job where your spouse's medical school is? Even if it's not quite as good?

No relocation options. The closest facilities doing anything remotely similar would be hours from the possible campuses. I do not have a degree, and I made 70k last year. My skillset is very unique. That is why in our area, employment has never been an issue. I could work at McDonalds, or an auto parts store.

You say you'd need to go on public assistance if you move to the state where your spouse's medical school is. Are you certain about that?

Yes. We have run the numbers, and in order to have health insurance, and pay our current bills with new housing (and our house being rented), we come up short. There is zero savings or safety net for 'acts of God'. What do I do if we lose the renter? If one of us gets hurt or sick? If our car breaks down? If our own house requires expensive repairs?

Yes. We Most med students are able to live on loans while in school, then pay them back afterwards. It's not a comfortable option, but it generally IS an option.



And lastly, how do you feel about your marriage? It seems odd to reject counseling and jump straight to divorce.

I want to stay married. I want counseling from an independent marriage counselor. I think our marriage, and our children's well being deserves this. I feel like I am talking to a stone wall. My way or the highway bull-headedness. I am tired of fighting, feeling rejection, being sad and depressed. Worrying that they will leave me, take my children, force me to quit my job, or quit theirs.

 

[DokterMom]

I'm sorry. That sounds like a very tough situation.

How does your spouse envision things working? Have you asked him/her specifically, and what does s/he say?

 

[okokok]

How does your spouse envision things working? Have you asked him/her specifically, and what does s/he say?

That seems like a good idea.

I have to say, my heart truly goes out to you. From what you say, you are being very understanding and supportive of your spouse's dream, even offering suggestions on how it could work. But you can only sacrifice so much. How would you feel in ten years if you gave up your dream job and pride in self-sufficiency? That, along with a well-adjusted family, sounds integral to your sense of identity and well-being. If you lose that, you may lose the marriage down the road anyway.

I wish I could give you a solution, but of course, no one can. I just hope you recognize that you're willing to compromise while s/he isn't--or at least from your account, you feel s/he isn't. Compromising is what successful partnerships are made of. But compromising doesn't mean total self-sacrifice. They want to attain their dream job, while you have already attained yours. Just because you're there first doesn't make it any less important.

It's unfortunate to me that they are not willing to go to marriage counseling. It sounds like you are willing to compromise, while they are not. Being ok with them being away for long periods of time is hugely generous. But they don't want to leave the kids. Well: they are trying to have their cake and eat it too, from the sounds of it. And there are breaks in med school to visit home, just like any other school.

Know that kids can survive any and all family situations, as long as they know their parents love them and as long as their parents treat each other with respect, especially (or even if only) in front of them. Children need the security that comes from knowing they will always be loved and cared for, and that their parents are happy people, even if that means they live apart.

Good luck.

 

[okokok]

Also, don't be afraid to seek counseling on your own. When you're confused and afraid, it can really help to talk through your thoughts with a neutral person. It helps clarify your needs and desires and can enable you to be stronger in standing up for them. (Not that you don't sound strong--I think we all feel weak in the face of such potentially life-changing situations).

 

[medc2012]

This is a very tough situation, and I'm so sorry to hear that your family is going through this. I'm married with a young child and I was just admitted to medical school. My spouse and I were advised by a physician to attend marriage counseling, even if we didn't think we had any reason to. We've both gone to counseling since then and it has left us better equipped to handle the stresses of a medical career.

I agree with okokok that even if they are refusing to go to counseling, maybe it could still benefit you to go. Having a neutral person to talk to about the situation can, like okokok said, aid you in communicating. And I absolutely do not mean to insinuate that you need help communicating, as it sounds like you are sticking up for yourself and your family, and you are already doing so much to make this work...it's just that I personally have found counseling to be a great benefit even when I didn't expect it to (or think that I needed it). And who knows? Maybe if your spouse saw you stepping out and going to a marriage counselor first they would be more open to it.

Also, if you guys aren't able to find a solution this year, does your spouse's medical school have the option of deferring their acceptance for one year? I've heard of this sometimes being an option if there are circumstances making it difficult to attend that year. Maybe an extra year would give them time to re-take the MCAT and see if there could be any more options, all while not giving up their original acceptance.

 

[Stroganoff]

I like to think that I am a responsible person, paying a very large part of the bills every month, as I work full time, and my spouse works part time. My coworkers and I agree that it is the job of a lifetime, the pinnacle of my personal passion. I have never had a job that I have felt this strongly about.

No relocation options. The closest facilities doing anything remotely similar would be hours from the possible campuses. I do not have a degree, and I made 70k last year. My skillset is very unique. That is why in our area, employment has never been an issue. I could work at McDonalds, or an auto parts store.

Can you give more details on what kind of job you have and why your skill set is so unique and geographically limited to your current location?

 

[abolt18]

I also wonder, what do YOU see in your future? Do you expect/imagine your spouse to one day be the breadwinner, allowing you to stay home with the kids? If so, I'd say definitely consider that if you expect them to one day be the sole provider for the family, they REALLY should be doing something they love and are passionate about. Medicine may be the only option there for them.

I'm sorry for the situation that you're in. Money definitely makes things difficult (selling a house that you're upside down on), but I'll tell you having a family while in med school is definitely do-able, both financially and lifestyle-speaking. With two kids and a wife, I can't imagine coming home to an empty apartment (if they lived back home). I honestly think I'd do very poorly in school without them here. They are my lifeline. There is one guy in my class whose wife and child live back home, while many of my other classmates here brought their families. They left homes and careers etc, and they're all making it! Just want you to know the grass can be green on this side of the fence! Living on government assistance certainly IS NOT ideal, but it makes the ride a lost less painful, and it'll get us through the next xyz years until we're done and making a real income! Perhaps, you can take a sabbatical of sorts from your career, and you'll be able to find something similar in 4 years when you move for residency.

Making big decisions is tough. Some of the best advice I've been given, helped me to be much more agreeable and understanding when deciding on our future together:

In those things which are essential, let there be unity.
In those things which are not essential, let there be liberty.
But in all things, let there be charity.

 

[studentp0x]

Long story short, my spouse has been accepted into med school out of state. I am normally a very private person when it comes to family issues so I will keep this as generic as possible to protect the identity of the innocent parties.

I don't want to move for several reasons. We own a house (owe more than it is worth), our family and friends are nearby, and I have a great job. We have multiple children below the age of 10. I do not relish the thought of trying to rent out the house or worse foreclosing on it while out of state. Selling it is a non-starter. Forclosure or walking away from it does not sit well with me, as we both signed a piece of paper saying we would pay it off for better or worse, While our current financial situation could be better, we all live together in a house, and everyone is taken care of. Moving would require us to live on government assistance, which holds about as much appeal as dental surgery. I like to think that I am a responsible person, paying a very large part of the bills every month, as I work full time, and my spouse works part time. My coworkers and I agree that it is the job of a lifetime, the pinnacle of my personal passion. I have never had a job that I have felt this strongly about. On the other hand, my spouse works in the med field and cannot see themselves continuing to work in their current field, taking orders from doctors, being treated as if they are insignificant.

I am proud that I moved out at a younger age from home and have continued to survive on my own merit, without assistance. The thought of living hand and mouth for 4-8 years terrifies me. The thought of losing my spouse to books for another 4-8 years, and taking care of the household activities and kids on my own is daunting.

Since I have disagreed with my spouse attending med school out of state, I have understandably had hostility and friction in my marriage. I have repeatedly suggested holding out to apply to schools in the area, or retaking the MCAT to improve chances. This has been met with anger due to holding the med school dream back a year or more, and possibly having to restudy and retake the MCAT.

I have suggested to stay here and watch the kids while they go to school on their own, but they are understandably reluctant to part with the children. I am OK with them being away for long periods of time, if they are happily doing what they love to do; study and go to school.

Since med school came up, we have drifted apart. I have suggested marriage counseling, which has been repeatedly refused by them. I have been told that divorce is our only option, since I cannot support their dreams, and they cannot support mine with what they want in life. I do not want to lose my life partner, nor split up my family. That is just inconceivable to me. Where is the 'better or worse part'? I came from a stable family, and knew a close friend who's family went thru a messy divorce that ended with the mother dead from alcoholism, and 2 children that had deep-seated severe psychological issues. My children deserve 2 happy loving parents. I have been told we are too wildly different in our goals to have any chance of a reconciliation. Something has to give. We can't continue to live like this.

I recognize that my spouse has merit in wanting to go to med school due to medical conditions previously experienced and a desire to work as a doctor towards treating this condition with compassion and understanding. I have no doubt that they can complete the schooling. I also realize that being accepted is not something that happens everyday to everyone, and they have worked very hard to reach it. Is it wrong to feel jealous that the choice for med school is obviously more important than our marriage and my feelings? I have lost my partner to books. Their time is spent studying, hanging out online, and generally ignoring me. Now, they spend all of their time when we are together studying or going to school. Where is my special time?

I am sure members can weigh in here as to their experiences and advice for someone in my situation. I am open to (constructive) criticism.

Thanks!

Were you aware of their plan before marrying them? Or their goal?

 

[that redhead]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with with, it sounds like a heartbreaking situation.

Unfortunately, while you want to keep the marriage, he clearly does not. You will not be happier and the relationship will not be any better by forcing him to stick it out. Though it may seem counter intuitive, it isn't necessarily better for the children to stick it out either; depending on their age and grasp of the situation, they'll be very aware that there is tension and bitterness between you. Many times children take that upon themselves and it makes things worse than if the parent had stayed together.

At this point, you cannot force him to stay. I would present him the options one more time - namely, in my opinion, a long distance relationship where you and the children stay put and he visits regularly (depending how far the school is). It's the only feasible solution I see. In the long run, though, do you really want to keep a partnership where your spouse is so bent on himself and ignores your input?

 

[ThoracicGuy]

What are the chances of your spouse's being able to become competitive for in-state medical schools? What are the options closest to home? And how competitive/non-competitive is s/he for those schools?

At the moment, not so hot. Having been accepted at several schools out of state at the moment, the appeal and desire to restudy for the MCAT and reapplication cycle is a non-starter.

If he's accepted now, chances of acceptance to different schools in a different cycle is low. If he's going to go to med school, he needs to take the opportunity he has while he can.

You say you'd need to go on public assistance if you move to the state where your spouse's medical school is. Are you certain about that?

Yes. We have run the numbers, and in order to have health insurance, and pay our current bills with new housing (and our house being rented), we come up short. There is zero savings or safety net for 'acts of God'. What do I do if we lose the renter? If one of us gets hurt or sick? If our car breaks down? If our own house requires expensive repairs?

I'm pretty sure that the med school will have health insurance. You have the ability to get loans. You could probably find a job that would work somewhere as well, even if its not your trained job. That could help lower the burden.

And lastly, how do you feel about your marriage? It seems odd to reject counseling and jump straight to divorce.

I want to stay married. I want counseling from an independent marriage counselor. I think our marriage, and our children's well being deserves this. I feel like I am talking to a stone wall. My way or the highway bull-headedness. I am tired of fighting, feeling rejection, being sad and depressed. Worrying that they will leave me, take my children, force me to quit my job, or quit theirs.

You should definitely see the counselor, even if its alone. This isn't an easy decision, but if you both want to save the marriage, open communication is necessary.

 

[jlescher]

A person that wants to be a doctor that refuses to go to marriage counseling, that's interesting. I would pressure that a little bit more, or as others have said, at least go your self. Why are they so averse to this idea? It makes me think there are other issues that haven't been brought up, and they don't want them brought up.

 

[MedStud!]

I'm not sure how much my opinion counts since I'm single and not married. I've actually stayed that way on purpose because I didn't want to have to deal with these kinds of issues. I'm going to graduate from medical school in a month or so. I've seen many people make it who are married or who have families... so its definitely possible. But nearly every couple/family that I know well enough to know their business has had major issues to deal with at one point or another. We had a classmate who had a newborn baby right at the beginning of medical school.... she was always losing it and eventually had a nervous breakdown, but she finished. I know spouses who have moved to other states and expressed the same terror you have about moving. I know other couples that are constantly fighting. I don't know how they have made it. I can't even fathom having responsibilities to a significant other or children... but they did make it.

My own opinion is that your best option if you do not want to end the marriage is to let him go off to school and support him in pursuing his dreams.... and in return he does what he can to support you back at home. Clearly, in the short term you are making the much bigger sacrifice. But if you quit your job and move for him you will just resent him and resent the situation. If he gives up his dream of going to medical school... he will resent you for losing a once in a lifetime opportunity. I hate to say it but as someone who has always dreamed of practicing medicine I would definitely harbor underlying resentment if I lost that chance... which is awful to say because I know neither you or your kids deserve that; but I just wouldn't be able to help it. I guarantee he would feel the same way and that is probably why he is so resistant to going to counseling. He has already made up his mind.

I'd bet that if either you give up your good job and living situation; or if he gives up his opportunity to go to medical school.... you will probably end up with a divorce eventually. If you stay back and let him pursue his dream while taking on all of the responsibility at home it is still entirely possible that you end up in divorce.... but in THIS case you have not given up a good job and he has not given up his dream.

So... given worst case scenario of divorce... which would you rather have? It sounds to me like he's going to medical school and he is not going to change his mind. If you do end up getting a divorce would you rather still have your good job in a home you own... or would you rather have gone through all that trouble just to end up in a strange town, without a good job, and without a spouse? I say keep the job and let him pursue his dream... and try to make it work.

That means you would have to take on responsibilities at home yourself... which sucks bad. Maybe you could hire a house cleaner once or twice a week just to help with the cleaning? My parents did that when my mom started working. Its not much but it would free you to focus on more important things. Also, if money becomes an issue and he isn't scared of the military he could consider joining the National Guard. The MDSSP program pays a $25,000 per year stipend during medical school which he could use to help support you back at home (at least monetarily); and if he takes loan repayment afterward he could have medical school payed off by the end of residency. This is of course if he doesn't mind having the contract. But the Guard is ALL Reserve and NO active duty unless he gets deployed after residency (he can not be deployed till after then). Reserve duty is minimum 6 weekends a year, two weeks every other year for physicians. So it is a very good deal actually. They've taken care of me VERY well and I don't regret it a bit. I know he says he doesn't want to be away from the kids... which is understandable now but he has NO IDEA what he is in for in medical school. He will be glad to be able to focus on his studies and I guarantee he will appreciate it a hell of a lot more when he realizes how much sacrifice you are making so he can do well.

And... another thing that might might provide some solace (which I would absolutely would NOT bring up... just consider); because you are married any assets earned are considered joint assets from the marriage. That includes educational degrees. Some states are 50/50 regardless... and other states are "equitable contribution" states. Because you would be the one making the major sacrifice it would be considered QUITE the "equitable" (if not more than equitable) contribution, and if your state is 50/50 then it doesn't matter. In the event of a divorce you wouldn't have much trouble convincing a judge in your favor. I know that is no where near what you want to go through but I thought I should point it out.

Anyway.... to me it unfortunately sounds like he is going to pursue his dream of becoming a physician and no matter what you do a divorce might be in the cards. I say keep your job in case that happens.

 

[abolt18]

Something I saw today.

A husband and wife may disagree on many things but they must always agree on this: to never give up.

Just something to consider.

 

[deleted480308]

(I'm married with kids the same age as yours, and moving out of state for med school in aug)

My wife had a pretty good gig here, it's what she liked doing and it was good hours for good money. We're right next to all my extended family. but, I only got into a school 10hrs away and we talked about the split travel situation if she couldn'tfind work...not due to her happiness, but the realities of feeding children. After awhile we decided the best bet was to just make a run for it. with school loans and even a crappy job, we can feed kids.

it seems to me that you are really stressed about the dishonor of not meeting your word on this mortgage. I'd like to suggest to you (as someone who cried when first considering bankruptcy 6yrs ago after a businesss failed) is to think a little more logically about the mortgage. You never committed to shut down your entire life to pay that mortgage. All you agreed to do was give back the house if you didn't pay the mortgage. If you do that, you still have your honor.

If you are scared are scared about this life transition, you will be better equipped to face your scary situation with your family intact, and so will your children. If you are worried about losing special time with your husband to studying...you will, and will need to understand that. If you are losing special time so he can spend 10hr/wk playing call of duty, he needs to reevaluate priorities.

if you think some peer discussion (my wife) might help, you can pm a number to me and she can call you. She's not a marriage counselor but we've made through 11yrs this summer. I think that you might want to speak to a professional marriage counselor as well...even if he won't join you, they might be able to help you take a calmer perspective.

 

[that redhead]

Something I saw today.

A husband and wife may disagree on many things but they must always agree on this: to never give up.

Just something to consider.

This sounds really romantic and all that but sticking it out no matter what is not always the right answer.

I find it interesting that so many people are advising she essentially give in when it's pretty clear the husband is unwilling to meet her anywhere but his own ground. Sacrifice is often necessary (don't I know it) but there are better ways to go about asking for it.

 

[Gastrapathy]

Did I miss the part where we were sure the spouse is a woman?

There isn't always a middle ground. Sometimes one or the other has to sacrifice. In this case, there isn't a middle ground. Premed sacrifices med school or spouse sacrifices dream job, mortgage and family support. How did you reach the point that taking the MCAT was OK but moving for school wasn't? I suspect the premed thought that applying to those schools came with permission to attend, spend countless hours preparing, applied, succeeded and feels like the rug has been pulled out. Thats ok. People change their minds. But there are consequences. Alternatively, if the premed did this all under the cover of darkness, in which case the crisis has been brewing for some time.

The other part is that the premed has said divorce out loud. That's before the rigors of residency which can challenge a strong marriage. It may be that the marriage is DOA to med school.

 

[Not a real Doc]

Though I've only recently become a passive reader of this forum (for reasons which will become obvious), I feel compelled to share my sympathy and also briefly share my experience for what it's worth, which may not be much since my SO and I are not married and don't have kids. But...

Two-earner couples (specifically, highly-paid professional couples) are much more common than they used to be, and unfortunately it's often difficult to find the "perfect job" for each person in the same city (unless you want to live in NYC, LA, or a few other very large cities). Basically, I agree with what others have said that at some point, one of the two will probably need to make some kind of sacrifice. I would also add, though, that if changing professional plans for your spouse/s.o. ends up making you happier in the relationship, it can make the "sacrifice" much easier to swallow.

My story in a paragraph: I'm a recent PhD with interests in academic research. I landed a non-tenure track faculty position (basically a "fancy postdoc") out of grad school at a prestigious research university. Shortly before I finished my PhD, I began dating a pre-med student from a school 1000 miles away (a long story in itself). She applied to a medical school near me and didn't get in, but was eventually accepted into the school that was her first choice (800 miles from me...sigh). After many discussions and a lot of thinking, I decided that I was going to try to find a job in the same city so that we could finally be together after 18 months. I was hoping that something in academia would work out, but ended up "settling" (doesn't feel quite right to use that word, as the salary is actually higher) for a position in industry, which I will be starting as she begins medical school. I'm a bit sad about leaving an academic setting, but I know that both of our lives will be much better not having to get on a plane to see each other. And I figure that I can work on research in my spare time while my s.o. is holed up studying for classes/boards/etc.

I guess my advice would be to follow your instincts, and do what you believe will make you happiest. Two-body problems are a real pain, and I imagine with kids they become much harder. If you and your husband both truly want to make your situation work out, I believe you will eventually find a way, even if the process itself is painful (which it will be).

 

[Hillo]

How about letting him know that you won't be able to move with the kids but that you'll be able to support him whenever he needs it. I do not believe he will initiate a divorce because you will end up taking care of the kids while he is in school anyway.

I have a feeling that he will regret not "holding the med school dream back a year or more, and possibly having to restudy and retake the MCAT" since he'll most likely wish that he spent more time with his family rather than work as a medical doctor for an extra year before he dies... and scoring higher on the MCAT is more probable than, for example, winning a Grammy.

Not seeing family for four to eight years isn't a big deal (we have Skype for goodness sakes). And I'll bet that medical doctors look back on getting into med school as more enjoyable than they once imagined it was (due to already having overcome more difficult exams/tasks). Now regarding your sacrifices...

I personally believe the following should not be considered:
"Forclosure or walking away from it does not sit well with me"
"The thought of living hand and mouth for 4-8 years terrifies me"
"The thought of losing my spouse to books for another 4-8 years, and taking care of the household activities and kids on my own is daunting"
"My children deserve 2 happy loving parents"
"Where is my special time?"

Your most powerful argument is
"My coworkers and I agree that it is the job of a lifetime, the pinnacle of my personal passion. I have never had a job that I have felt this strongly about"

Anyways, whatever happens, think of it as an OPPORTUNITY rather than a misfortune.

 

[AsawaLang]

I just wrote a long rant about my husband. It didn't contribute anything to the conversation at all so I deleted it all. But I disrupted my entire life to support my husband going to med school and things aren't looking good for us. Its been a huge strain. The stars aligned and I was able to land a decent job after moving back after med school was over so my career wasn't devastated.

I definitely think you should see a counselor. My husband is really struggling after med school and has been out for 3 years without a residency or any income. So that is something to consider before you give up your job, foreclose on your house, etc. I trusted him and believed in him so much. I never thought he would have trouble matching. Never even considered the possibility. Never considered the possibility that things wouldn't work out the way we planned. So now I'm stuck paying back mountains of debt on one income. And having to constantly field questions from family, friends and coworkers about whats going on with my husband.

Obviously, I'm not saying that this will happen to you. But I threw caution to the wind--professionally, personally, financially--and i really regret it now. I just think you should seriously consider all the options and possibilities. And make sure you have a contingency plan.

 

[deleted480308]

I just wrote a long rant about my husband. It didn't contribute anything to the conversation at all so I deleted it all. But I disrupted my entire life to support my husband going to med school and things aren't looking good for us. Its been a huge strain. The stars aligned and I was able to land a decent job after moving back after med school was over so my career wasn't devastated.

I definitely think you should see a counselor. My husband is really struggling after med school and has been out for 3 years without a residency or any income. So that is something to consider before you give up your job, foreclose on your house, etc. I trusted him and believed in him so much. I never thought he would have trouble matching. Never even considered the possibility. Never considered the possibility that things wouldn't work out the way we planned. So now I'm stuck paying back mountains of debt on one income. And having to constantly field questions from family, friends and coworkers about whats going on with my husband.

Obviously, I'm not saying that this will happen to you. But I threw caution to the wind--professionally, personally, financially--and i really regret it now. I just think you should seriously consider all the options and possibilities. And make sure you have a contingency plan.

did your husband go to a school outside the US?...or maybe go for a competitive specialty? it's rare to go three years not matching...

 

[AsawaLang]

Yes. He went outside the us but is a citizen here. But he hasn't taken any steps or done anything since med school. I work, he stays home, goes for bike rides, etc. Im at my wits end. Ive begged, threatened, etc. And I had a baby last year which just compounds the problem. In fairness though, when I got pregnant I didn't really realize what was going on. He said he was on track to take the steps, set a date for step 1, etc. In fact, the baby was really his idea. Now I just have the added expense of daycare on top of everything else. Really I should just start my own sob story thread instead of hijacking thisn one. Im thinking divorce but haven't said it out loud. Im just so frustrated. And bitter.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

That sounds more like depression and burnout than anything else. 9 times out of 10, when high-achieving people turn into couch potatoes, it is due to that and not laziness. Have you suggested therapy? Would he be willing to go? Begging and threatening won't do anything if he's at the end of his rope and severely depressed. It becomes a downward spiral.

 

[touchpause13]

Yes. He went outside the us but is a citizen here. But he hasn't taken any steps or done anything since med school. I work, he stays home, goes for bike rides, etc. Im at my wits end. Ive begged, threatened, etc. And I had a baby last year which just compounds the problem. In fairness though, when I got pregnant I didn't really realize what was going on. He said he was on track to take the steps, set a date for step 1, etc. In fact, the baby was really his idea. Now I just have the added expense of daycare on top of everything else. Really I should just start my own sob story thread instead of hijacking thisn one. Im thinking divorce but haven't said it out loud. Im just so frustrated. And bitter.

Dear god woman get a divorce. This shouldn't even be a question

 

[okokok]

Dear god woman get a divorce. This shouldn't even be a question

It's not as easy as that for most people.

 

[okokok]

Yes. He went outside the us but is a citizen here. But he hasn't taken any steps or done anything since med school. I work, he stays home, goes for bike rides, etc. Im at my wits end. Ive begged, threatened, etc. And I had a baby last year which just compounds the problem. In fairness though, when I got pregnant I didn't really realize what was going on. He said he was on track to take the steps, set a date for step 1, etc. In fact, the baby was really his idea. Now I just have the added expense of daycare on top of everything else. Really I should just start my own sob story thread instead of hijacking thisn one. Im thinking divorce but haven't said it out loud. Im just so frustrated. And bitter.

What a difficult, frustrating, draining situation. I do wonder though, why do you need to pay for childcare if he's home all day? He should at least be taking on that responsibility, right?

 

[deleted480308]

Yes. He went outside the us but is a citizen here. But he hasn't taken any steps or done anything since med school. I work, he stays home, goes for bike rides, etc. Im at my wits end. Ive begged, threatened, etc. And I had a baby last year which just compounds the problem. In fairness though, when I got pregnant I didn't really realize what was going on. He said he was on track to take the steps, set a date for step 1, etc. In fact, the baby was really his idea. Now I just have the added expense of daycare on top of everything else. Really I should just start my own sob story thread instead of hijacking thisn one. Im thinking divorce but haven't said it out loud. Im just so frustrated. And bitter.

I'm truly sorry for your situation...I'd like to second the idea of them seeing professional help if they are willing, it does sound like they need someone to talk them through this

 

[AsawaLang]

He says he cant study with the baby. Fair enough. Im working on my professional license in a non medical field and i don't study like i want to during non work hours.

He thinks of what he's doing differently than I do. To me, if you cant set a date and take your exam, you haven't been studying. To him, he's been studying and will continue to study. Thing is. I lived with him through med school and all the exams, finals and stress. I know when he is hard at work and he isn't right now.

So we cant seem to come to an agreement about what's going on or how we should proceed.

 

[AsawaLang]

I'm truly sorry for your situation...I'd like to second the idea of them seeing professional help if they are willing, it does sound like they need someone to talk them through this

Thats a good idea. Not sure if he would go for it. Or if his insurance would cover it. But what's another couple hundred bucks down the drain. I just want this to be over. Either take the steps or quit and start thinking about what's next in life.

 

[AsawaLang]

That sounds more like depression and burnout than anything else. 9 times out of 10, when high-achieving people turn into couch potatoes, it is due to that and not laziness. Have you suggested therapy? Would he be willing to go? Begging and threatening won't do anything if he's at the end of his rope and severely depressed. It becomes a downward spiral.

Our family doc put him on antidepressants but he quit after a few months. So there is probably something to this. Im having a hard time having any empathy or compassion at the moment. But the baby is sleeping mostly through the night so I suppose I should turn my energy back to trying to figure out what is going on with my husband.

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

Totally understandable. You have a LOAD on your plate right now and him not helping, even IF it is because he's paralyzed by depression, is bound to cause frustration and even resentment. Especially with a new baby - I don't know how you've even made it this far. You feel like the workhorse, and get mad, but then feel guilty because you're mad, etc - it becomes a vicious cycle. I think another attempt at therapy might be a good idea before calling it quits. I wouldn't threaten or push him to get therapy - that usually backfires, but try to gently and firmly make it clear to him that thre stress is becoming too much, and if he is hving a rough time you would like to help him seek therapy so you two can become a team again. If after this, he still refuses, you may need to pull the ultimatum (as much as I hate ultimatums) of "I can't deal with this anymore. I love you, but if you are depressed and refuse to seek help and make a good faith effort, I can't be with you anymore because it is driving me into the ground"

 

[TitaniumPhoebe]

Just my .02, but if he's been accepted, it sounds like if he passes it up, it could diminish his chances of being able to go. I wouldn't stand in the way of him fulfilling his dreams. If you can't move, perhaps he can live with roommates and visit home when he can. It's a tough situation. I don't have kids and was only married a little over a year. I'm not a doctor, but I have a stressful job that has an irregular schedule and takes a lot out of me. It takes a partner who understands that and doesn't take it personally. My ex-husband didn't get it, and towards the end of my marriage I told him that our problems were affecting my career. He got mad and said that my priority should be us. I disagreed. While I loved him, I couldn't let him destroy my career. I don't think choosing between a spouse and their career is a choice anyone should have to make. I'm very lucky I'm not a doctor. The stress I went through during my marriage, I would have very likely killed someone if I was, say, a surgeon. Luckily no one's lives depend on what I do and the firm I work for was very understanding. I hope you can go to counseling, even if for yourself, and come to an understanding with your husband. But if you insist he doesn't go and he passes up the opportunity, he may well resent you for the rest of his life. If this is his dream, you don't necessarily have to give up your life to help him pursue it, but at the same time, I wouldn't insist that he stay.

 

[Want2Bdoc]

At some schools you can delay matriculation 1 year. This could give you all time to put a plan in place and get on the same page. I would recommend seeing a counselor by yourself & just encourage your spouse to go but don't expect it. It is very tough being a medical school student/parent because of the additional stress & guilt from not having enough time to 1) study 2) time with spouse 3) time with kids ... It is essential to have the spouses support & understanding that the "abandonment" is only temporary . Good luck!

 

[cheng994]

(I'm married with kids the same age as yours, and moving out of state for med school in aug)

My wife had a pretty good gig here, it's what she liked doing and it was good hours for good money. We're right next to all my extended family. but, I only got into a school 10hrs away and we talked about the split travel situation if she couldn'tfind work...not due to her happiness, but the realities of feeding children. After awhile we decided the best bet was to just make a run for it. with school loans and even a crappy job, we can feed kids.

it seems to me that you are really stressed about the dishonor of not meeting your word on this mortgage. I'd like to suggest to you (as someone who cried when first considering bankruptcy 6yrs ago after a businesss failed) is to think a little more logically about the mortgage. You never committed to shut down your entire life to pay that mortgage. All you agreed to do was give back the house if you didn't pay the mortgage. If you do that, you still have your honor.

If you are scared are scared about this life transition, you will be better equipped to face your scary situation with your family intact, and so will your children. If you are worried about losing special time with your husband to studying...you will, and will need to understand that. If you are losing special time so he can spend 10hr/wk playing call of duty, he needs to reevaluate priorities.

if you think some peer discussion (my wife) might help, you can pm a number to me and she can call you. She's not a marriage counselor but we've made through 11yrs this summer. I think that you might want to speak to a professional marriage counselor as well...even if he won't join you, they might be able to help you take a calmer perspective.

Is this for real? How did you persuade you wife to do this? I'm in a very similar boat as you, been married for almost 12 years, three kids. Difference is that I'm the sole income earner, will be for the foreseeable future med school or not. I'm committed to only apply to school near home to minimise disruption to family life. My wife is still very concerned about the time commitment. Any advice?

 

[deleted480308]

Is this for real? How did you persuade you wife to do this? I'm in a very similar boat as you, been married for almost 12 years, three kids. Difference is that I'm the sole income earner, will be for the foreseeable future med school or not. I'm committed to only apply to school near home to minimise disruption to family life. My wife is still very concerned about the time commitment. Any advice?

We decided to look at it as 4yrs of sacrifice money wise (residents make middle class money) in exchange for her ability to do whatever she feels like in the future with no concern for money (she likes working with churches and if you need a real salary from churches you limit your options to larger churches)

if your family ideals mean she just can't work you are down to a few very limited options. the NHSC pays your tuition and a small stipend in exchange for committing to primary care in a underserved areas. The mdssp with the national guard gives you almost 25k/yr and you do whatever civilian residency you want (the catch is if the guard doesn't need that specialty, they dump you on the reserves). The hpsp with the active military pays your tuition and a stipend but you are stuck with their residency process.

money wise with kids, your life is better if she works for your medical school years. with residency salary, you can have her stop working if you guys can live cheap.

 

[cheng994]

We decided to look at it as 4yrs of sacrifice money wise (residents make middle class money) in exchange for her ability to do whatever she feels like in the future with no concern for money (she likes working with churches and if you need a real salary from churches you limit your options to larger churches)

if your family ideals mean she just can't work you are down to a few very limited options. the NHSC pays your tuition and a small stipend in exchange for committing to primary care in a underserved areas. The mdssp with the national guard gives you almost 25k/yr and you do whatever civilian residency you want (the catch is if the guard doesn't need that specialty, they dump you on the reserves). The hpsp with the active military pays your tuition and a stipend but you are stuck with their residency process.

money wise with kids, your life is better if she works for your medical school years. with residency salary, you can have her stop working if you guys can live cheap.

Our problem is that I already make good money. Wife doesn't need to work as it is now. All the sacrifice is purely for my job satisfaction. There's not much in it for her. Financially we would make even in twenty years considering the debt and loss of income. A real hard sell.

 

[deleted480308]

If I made $100k in a secure field, i wouldn't have been able to sell it. Half that in a risky field? Easy sell

 

[drcrispmd]

Long distance marriages are difficult (even when there are no children).
I do not think the OP should just give up their dream job to follow their spouse. They will grow to resent them later on. Also the OP should not expect their spouse to give up acceptances either. If they are not successful the next cycle there will be resentment as well.
Take the 4 years by semester. Plan your vacation time around their school schedule. How far is the closest school they were accepted? Try the long distance for a year. If it is not working have a plan B. The spouse may see that not having to worry about money while studying is a bonus. Also not having to try to study crammed in a tiny apartment with children is also a plus. Set a time every evening that the family will skype (dinner time is a great time). Med student can come home on breaks. Weekend after exams plan to meet halfway and have a family weekend. Like I said. Talk to your spouse and tell them let try it this way for 1 year. Save some money during that time so you have emergency fund set up.
My ex was military so him leaving his job to follow me was not an option. I went to school out of the country. We never went more than 6 weeks without seeing each other. It was going ok until he got orders overseas and expected me to quit med school after second year and become a house wife. There were a lot of married couples at my school who were away from their spouses and children. Skype is a life saver.

You should not be expected to just give up your career just like your spouse should not give up their chance to pursue theirs. Getting into medical school is hard. Turning down acceptances is not a wise choice because they will not be accepted to those schools again.

Good luck and keep us updated.

 

[hokiefanx5]

I am also putting my 2cents in as I am also in the very same situation. Hubby just got accepted VCOM-VC and he is super excited about it. It has been a long journey for us. I will say fours years in counting. From taking all the prereqs, MCATs, apps, interviews and waiting lists. But we are blessed that it is finally happening. I share the same sentiment with other spouse about uproot and moving from Georgia to Virginia. I am still fighting it but we are also making a run for it.

I will be leaving both sets of families and a place that we grow up in the same town(we are high school sweethearts). So for me it is very scary. One I still do not have a job yet and I will not be able to collect unemployment. We have three children and so I will have to get jobs are have decent daytime hours. So far family his parents and my parents are very supportive.

For me I am at the same job for 7 years with no chance of advancement and just really tired. So, I see this as a sign to go somewhere else and start again. But being sole provider is also scary and financial aid will not last forever. I know I am taking a huge gamble but I just following the flow.

Bakerhotel and others spouse I wish you luck and hope we will be at peace with our decisions and please keep in touch.

 

[deleted480308]

I am also putting my 2cents in as I am also in the very same situation. Hubby just got accepted VCOM-VC and he is super excited about it. It has been a long journey for us. I will say fours years in counting. From taking all the prereqs, MCATs, apps, interviews and waiting lists. But we are blessed that it is finally happening. I share the same sentiment with other spouse about uproot and moving from Georgia to Virginia. I am still fighting it but we are also making a run for it.

I will be leaving both sets of families and a place that we grow up in the same town(we are high school sweethearts). So for me it is very scary. One I still do not have a job yet and I will not be able to collect unemployment. We have three children and so I will have to get jobs are have decent daytime hours. So far family his parents and my parents are very supportive.

For me I am at the same job for 7 years with no chance of advancement and just really tired. So, I see this as a sign to go somewhere else and start again. But being sole provider is also scary and financial aid will not last forever. I know I am taking a huge gamble but I just following the flow.

Bakerhotel and others spouse I wish you luck and hope we will be at peace with our decisions and please keep in touch.

don't forget the childcare while both parents are at work/school is an allowable increase in fafsa loan amounts. also, you can can consider the national guard mdssp program if you need some extra cash. you guys can do this...you are a team

 

[hokiefanx5]

Thanks......hopefully a job will come along soon.....

 

[WhtsThFrequency]

I am also putting my 2cents in as I am also in the very same situation. Hubby just got accepted VCOM-VC and he is super excited about it. It has been a long journey for us. I will say fours years in counting. From taking all the prereqs, MCATs, apps, interviews and waiting lists. But we are blessed that it is finally happening. I share the same sentiment with other spouse about uproot and moving from Georgia to Virginia. I am still fighting it but we are also making a run for it.

I will be leaving both sets of families and a place that we grow up in the same town(we are high school sweethearts). So for me it is very scary. One I still do not have a job yet and I will not be able to collect unemployment. We have three children and so I will have to get jobs are have decent daytime hours. So far family his parents and my parents are very supportive.

For me I am at the same job for 7 years with no chance of advancement and just really tired. So, I see this as a sign to go somewhere else and start again. But being sole provider is also scary and financial aid will not last forever. I know I am taking a huge gamble but I just following the flow.

Bakerhotel and others spouse I wish you luck and hope we will be at peace with our decisions and please keep in touch.

Only just noticed your username. You'll like Blacksburg. I'm a Hokie (for both college and vet school). The burg is a beautiful, friendly little place with the mountains right in your backyard If you need any advice about the town, places to live, potential areas of employment, etc. feel free to PM me.