My spouse is unsupportive of my desire to attend medical school.

[and 99 others]

Am I the only one that thinks it is selfish of his wife to try to dictate what he should do with his life. She should be supportive of his decisions and love him unconditionally through good times and bad, aren't those the vows you take when you stand next to the alter?

I never really understood why people are so intent on the notion of "unconditional love." There are definitely conditions to my love, as there are for literally every person ever.

And no I don't think someone is obligated to support their spouse's career choice no matter what. None of us really know the details of OP's personal and family life. He gave us literally the bare minimum info and disapparated out of here. That said, speaking generally, there are definitely a ton of valid points that OP's wife could have about not being supportive of his career choice. It's pretty well-established that the busy life of a doctor can place a great strain on family life and feeling like you're neglected or that your child doesn't have solid parental involvement is a totally legit preoccupation. A marriage is an interplay of compromise and dialogue. Not "I'll do what I want and you better support me"

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[Dr. Anonymouss]

I never really understood why people are so intent on the notion of "unconditional love." There are definitely conditions to my love, as there are for literally every person ever.

And no I don't think someone is obligated to support their spouse's career choice no matter what. None of us really know the details of OP's personal and family life. He gave us literally the bare minimum info and disapparated out of here. That said, speaking generally, there are definitely a ton of valid points that OP's wife could have about not being supportive of his career choice. It's pretty well-established that the busy life of a doctor can place a great strain on family life and feeling like you're neglected or that your child doesn't have solid parental involvement is a totally legit preoccupation.

Apparently we see it differently. And you are right, there are many details that could exude light upon this situation which would make it easier to formulate an opinion. I am using myself as a reference to his situation and assuming that this is the only career path that he sees himself in and it is a deep passion of his to become a doctor. This is why I say it is selfish for her to determine what career path he should embark on.

 

[OfMiceAndWomen]

Apparently we see it differently. And you are right, there are many details that could exude light upon this situation which would make it easier to formulate an opinion. I am using myself as a reference to his situation and assuming that this is the only career path that he sees himself in and it is a deep passion of his to become a doctor. This is why I say it is selfish for her to determine what career path he should embark on.

Also the financial burden?? You're asking someone who shares mortgage/assets/collateral/bank accounts, etc. with you to take on possibly 100k+ debt that might take 10+ years to fully pay off? I'm not saying OP shouldn't try his best to work this out, but pursuing medical school can be a serious upheaval of a married partner's & child's life.

 

[deleted770098]

Hello,

My wife and I have a newborn child and she is unsupportive of my desire to attend medical school.

Has anyone else had this issue and if so, what should I do?

Thank you in advance,

Mr. Potter

I am married with a newborn and was just accepted to my top choice DO school. I would not have been able to make it without the support of my wife. In fact, when I expressed my desire to go to med school before we got married a few years back, she did not want me to do it. But we had very honest conversations about it and she came around to it. If you really want to do it, you have to get your spouse genuinely on board.

 

[and 99 others]

Apparently we see it differently. And you are right, there are many details that could exude light upon this situation which would make it easier to formulate an opinion. I am using myself as a reference to his situation and assuming that this is the only career path that he sees himself in and it is a deep passion of his to become a doctor. This is why I say it is selfish for her to determine what career path he should embark on.

Then it is equally selfish to not consider the harm that such life choices may have on a spouse and child.

 

[Ultimakey]

I am married with a newborn and was just accepted to my top choice DO school. I would not have been able to make it without the support of my wife. In fact, when I expressed my desire to go to med school before we got married a few years back, she did not want me to do it. But we had very honest conversations about it and she came around to it. If you really want to do it, you have to get your spouse genuinely on board.

Congratulations! Best of luck to you!

 

[Detective SnowBucket]

He made the same vows.

He vowed to stand by her in sickness and health, richer or poorer until the end of their days. He did not vow to bend to her will when she wished so steer his dreams. Letting the other dictate their life is not what marriage is.

 

[907914]

Letting the other dictate their life is not what marriage is.

My guy...you are in for a world of hurt when you get married.


This is absolutely NOT "letting the other dictate their life." This is literally a wife wanting her husband around to help raise their child.

 

[and 99 others]

He vowed to stand by her in sickness and health, richer or poorer until the end of their days. He did not vow to bend to her will when she wished so steer his dreams. Letting the other dictate their life is not what marriage is.

To be fair, we don't even know if he made those vows.

 

[Detective SnowBucket]

My guy...you are in for a world of hurt when you get married.


This is absolutely NOT "letting the other dictate their life." This is literally a wife wanting her husband around to help raise their child.

Nop, I wouldn't marry someone who would expect me to give up my plans

At which point did OP say that was the reason she doesn't want him to go?

 

[BoolaHI]

OK, by way of context and background, been with my physician/wife 30 years plus. Also have a D that is a CC doc. Been there and done that.....That said, unless she is entirely down and prepared, it has a very high potential of failure—that being the marriage. Medical school and all the attendant subsequent training and obligations are profound (so much so, that you cannot even begin to comprehend what those demands will look like down the road) and they can cultivate resentment even in the most supportive and optimal of personal relationships.

You have to remember this is her life and what the next 40 years look like, and if she is not entirely supportive right now, that same attitude will not get better as the demands exponentially increase . Probably not want you want to hear—but I’ve been down this road and it’s an incredibly serious consideration.

 

[Detective SnowBucket]

I have family who was made to drop out of school because he got his the-girlfriend (now long-time wife) pregnant - why they made him drop out, who knows. Point is, he resents them - not his wife - for preventing him from following his dream! If this is what OP wants then there will be resentment either way.

Also, can't wait to see OP get back on here and see how this tread blew up in the last hour

 

[RangerBob]

I don’t know how this thread turned into almost suggesting to “leave her if she doesn’t support him.” The OP hardly provided us any info.

In life your priorities are your spouse and children. They come first. If you have more of a marriage of convenience and are independently pursuing your dreams irrespective of the other, the child still comes first.

This becomes clearer as you get older and the longer you are a parent. My son is only a couple years old and I have already made a lot of professional sacrifices for him and my wife-they are worth it. She sacrificed a lot to get me through med school and residency. She was very supportive, but it was still difficult.

OP-we really need more info to actually be able to help you. Please tell us more about your personal situation, and your/your wife’s concerns. Do you have a support network? That would make med schools and residency much easier on your wife if you have family nearby.

I would not pursue medicine without the blessing and support of your spouse. It only gets more difficult, and you need them on board. Don’t be another statistic in physician divorces/unhappy marriages.

 

[and 99 others]

Tbh, OP probably played us like a fiddle.

 

[907914]

the child still comes first

 

[IsleyOfTheNorth]

Am I the only one that thinks it is selfish of his wife to try to dictate what he should do with his life. She should be supportive of his decisions and love him unconditionally through good times and bad, aren't those the vows you take when you stand next to the alter?

Unconditional love is a myth. Love is, and should be, conditional.

Unrelated: "altar"

 

[907914]

Nop, I wouldn't marry someone who would expect me to give up my plans

Asking you to be there for your child is not asking you to give up your plans. Egocentrism does not work in a marriage. This is coming from an egocentrist.

 

[Goro]

Am I the only one that thinks it is selfish of his wife to try to dictate what he should do with his life. She should be supportive of his decisions and love him unconditionally through good times and bad, aren't those the vows you take when you stand next to the alter?

Marriage is a two way street

 

[BoolaHI]

Unconditional love is a myth. Love is, and should be, conditional.

Unrelated: "altar"

That makes the huge assumption that his desire and want is at the primacy of the relationship, and subordinates her own wants and aspiration of life.

 

[imbesrs]

Marriage is a compromise in which you must sacrifice some of your own wishes for the good of the family. This becomes 10-fold more sacrificial the moment you have a child.

 

[deleted480308]

But you will end up resenting both your wife and your kid for not enabling you to do what you want.

Plenty of people have gone into medicine with kids and done fine. There are kids of Navy vets who don't see their parent for months at a time.

Or you could be an adult and choose your family over a career and choose contentment

 

[deleted480308]

I have family who was made to drop out of school because he got his the-girlfriend (now long-time wife) pregnant - why they made him drop out, who knows. Point is, he resents them - not his wife - for preventing him from following his dream! If this is what OP wants then there will be resentment either way.

Also, can't wait to see OP get back on here and see how this tread blew up in the last hour

Resentment is a choice

 

[DNAJB6]

I agree with those telling you that your marriage would likely not survive medical school if she is already opposed to the idea. If you value your marriage and love your wife, you'll choose her over school. You will regret it if you end up getting divorced and may never forgive yourself.

 

[IsleyOfTheNorth]

That makes the huge assumption that his desire and want is at the primacy of the relationship, and subordinates her own wants and aspiration of life.

Did you quote my post by mistake?

 

[907914]

I agree with those telling you that your marriage would likely not survive medical school if she is already opposed to the idea. If you value your marriage and love your wife, you'll choose her over school. You will regret it if you end up getting divorced and may never forgive yourself.

On the flip side, opinions change and if y’all get in sync then she will likely come around in a few years because she wants you to be happy

 

[BoolaHI]

Did you quote my post by mistake?

Mistake...my bad.

 

[deleted804295]

I never really understood why people are so intent on the notion of "unconditional love." There are definitely conditions to my love, as there are for literally every person ever.

And no I don't think someone is obligated to support their spouse's career choice no matter what. None of us really know the details of OP's personal and family life. He gave us literally the bare minimum info and disapparated out of here. That said, speaking generally, there are definitely a ton of valid points that OP's wife could have about not being supportive of his career choice. It's pretty well-established that the busy life of a doctor can place a great strain on family life and feeling like you're neglected or that your child doesn't have solid parental involvement is a totally legit preoccupation. A marriage is an interplay of compromise and dialogue. Not "I'll do what I want and you better support me"

Agree. The only unconditional love that exists is that of a mother/father for their child.

 

[907914]

Agree. The only unconditional love that exists is that of a mother/father for their child.

1000% not true. My wife still loves me even when I am being a dumb ass.

 

[deleted804295]

1000% not true. My wife still loves me even when I am being a dumb ass.

10000% true. Unconditional love in relationships sets people up to believe even abuse and toxicity are acceptable in relationships

 

[907914]

10000% true. Unconditional love in relationships sets people up to believe even abuse and toxicity are acceptable in relationships

Oh, to me unconditional meant...like....in a consentual type of non-violent relationship. If there is dominance (in a non BDSM kind of way) or violence, then that is a different story altogether.

 

[imbesrs]

in a non BDSM kind of way

 

[Dr. Anonymouss]

As I am preparing for my next interview, I cant help but think about how great of an MMI question this would make. I obviously tweaked this information as it was open to interpretation… "You are an individual who has aspired to be a medical doctor for as long as you can remember, but recently your significant other has showed a lot of disinterest towards your future career decisions. They have become unsupportive and wish that you would consider alternative career options. What is your opinion of this situation."

 

[dr_kateb]

As I am preparing for my next interview, I cant help but think about how great of an MMI question this would make. I obviously tweaked this information as it was open to interpretation… "You are an individual who has aspired to be a medical doctor for as long as you can remember, but recently your significant other has showed a lot of disinterest towards your future career decisions. They have become unsupportive and wish that you would consider alternative career options. What is your opinion of this situation."

Don’t give them any ideas.

 

[deleted804295]

As I am preparing for my next interview, I cant help but think about how great of an MMI question this would make. I obviously tweaked this information as it was open to interpretation… "You are an individual who has aspired to be a medical doctor for as long as you can remember, but recently your significant other has showed a lot of disinterest towards your future career decisions. They have become unsupportive and wish that you would consider alternative career options. What is your opinion of this situation."

I actually prepared for an MMI question pretty similar to this. Never received it though. It could also be a pretty good Casper scenario.

 

[gyngyn]

As I am preparing for my next interview, I cant help but think about how great of an MMI question this would make. I obviously tweaked this information as it was open to interpretation… "You are an individual who has aspired to be a medical doctor for as long as you can remember, but recently your significant other has showed a lot of disinterest towards your future career decisions. They have become unsupportive and wish that you would consider alternative career options. What is your opinion of this situation."

Be sure to make this your wife and the mother of your child.
This will effectively eliminate any ambiguity, though...

 

[907914]

I actually prepared for an MMI question pretty similar to this. Never received it though. It could also be a pretty good Casper scenario.

Except with Casper, it would end with the Canadian wife (who is a bad actor) staring you directly in the eyes and asking "What would YOU do?"

 

[Etopn23]

How do you not have this discussion prior to getting married and having a child? Without your wife's support going to medical school is a pipe dream. You basically have to choose between your profession or your marriage in this situation. There is no right answer.

 

[907914]

How do you not have this discussion prior to getting married and having a child? Without your wife's support going to medical school is a pipe dream. You basically have to choose between your profession or your marriage in this situation. There is no right answer.

I know I personally wasn't set on medicine until after I was married and my wife was pregnant. Again, don't know OPs position, but not everyone knew they wanted to be a doctor at the age of 7.

 

[Etopn23]

I know I personally wasn't set on medicine until after I was married and my wife was pregnant. Again, don't know OPs position, but not everyone knew they wanted to be a doctor at the age of 7.

True but it's a newborn and he's in the process of applying this cycle. This is something that definitely should have been discussed IMO

 

[907914]

True but it's a newborn and he's in the process of applying this cycle. This is something that definitely should have been discussed IMO

I didn't realize OP was in the application process right now. Yah, OP - I would back out of medicine right meow for now...I know you already spent the money.....But you will be divorced in 2 years time if your wife is not on board from the get go.

 

[deleted927529]

OP needs to talk to his wife, not SDN

 

[BoolaHI]

OP needs to talk to his wife, not SDN

Indeed, this is much like talking to members of your bowling league - when the true person and answer is behind the door that your family lives in....

 

[HomeSkool]

He made the same vows.

And neither of them vowed "I'll happily support anything you do so go ahead and do whatever the hell you want." Probably.

 

[Lawpy]

Wait why is this thread 2 pages already?

 

[deleted927529]

I'll give my perspective: you're married and have a newborn child. You tell your wife that you want to go a few hundred thousands of dollars into debt and be mostly preoccupied for at least the first eight years, i.e. the most important years, of your child's life. And people think the wife is wrong to be wary???

(edit: changed "unavailable" to "preoccupied")

 

[Goro]

I'll give my perspective: you're married and have a newborn child. You tell your wife that you want to go a few hundred thousands of dollars into debt and be mostly unavailable for at least the first eight years, i.e. the most important years, of your child's life. And people think the wife is wrong to be wary???

Only the unmarried ones

 

[HomeSkool]

I think several people here have missed the point. This debate is not about whether it's advisable or even possible to have a family during medical training. The answer to that question is "duh, of course it's possible." Thousands of people have done it, myself included. (Happy Birthday a few days ago to my darling 14-year-old daughter who was born 6 weeks into my MS1 year!) The question, rather, is this: should a new father start a very demanding professional training program against the explicit wishes of his wife? The answer to that, my friends, is simple: Are you mad?

You're both adults with complete autonomy. Neither of you has the right to dictate the other's behavior. However, each of you does have the right to decide and make clear what behaviors you will not tolerate if your partnership is to continue. For example, do I have the right to share my bed with any legal, consenting partner I wish? Absolutely. Does my wife have the right to leave me if the list of people I sleep with includes any names other than hers? Of course. So you two need to have an open dialogue and clarify what each of you will and will not accept. Are you willing to leave your wife for med school? Is she willing to leave you if you go to med school? You need to talk about it and come to a decision you can both live with. "I'll cave in to your desires but then I'll be bitter and punish you forever" is the scheistiest, most immature thing either of you could do, so keep that in mind when you have your discussions.

And keep in mind, too, that you have a child who has done nothing at all wrong and is the only completely vulnerable party in this whole affair. You can be a good dad regardless of whether you become a doctor. And a good dad is exactly what your kid needs. That, and an intact, nurturing home with parents who don't hate each other.

So go to med school if you can get your wife's buy-in. If you can't get it, find peace and fulfillment doing something else -- with a 39% acceptance rate, I promise you it's possible to live a joyful and rewarding life outside medicine. But for the love of your kid, don't start med school without your wife being on board.

 

[Engrailed]

I think several people here have missed the point. This debate is not about whether it's advisable or even possible to have a family during medical training. The answer to that question is "duh, of course it's possible." Thousands of people have done it, myself included. (Happy Birthday a few days ago to my darling 14-year-old daughter who was born 6 weeks into my MS1 year!) The question, rather, is this: should a new father start a very demanding professional training program against the explicit wishes of his wife? The answer to that, my friends, is simple: Are you mad?

You're both adults with complete autonomy. Neither of you has the right to dictate the other's behavior. However, each of you does have the right to decide and make clear what behaviors you will not tolerate if your partnership is to continue. For example, do I have the right to share my bed with any legal, consenting partner I wish? Absolutely. Does my wife have the right to leave me if the list of people I sleep with includes any names other than hers? Of course. So you two need to have an open dialogue and clarify what each of you will and will not accept. Are you willing to leave your wife for med school? Is she willing to leave you if you go to med school? You need to talk about it and come to a decision you can both live with. "I'll cave in to your desires but then I'll be bitter and punish you forever" is the scheistiest, most immature thing either of you could do, so keep that in mind when you have your discussions.

And keep in mind, too, that you have a child who has done nothing at all wrong and is the only completely vulnerable party in this whole affair. You can be a good dad regardless of whether you become a doctor. And a good dad is exactly what your kid needs. That, and an intact, nurturing home with parents who don't hate each other.

So go to med school if you can get your wife's buy-in. If you can't get it, find peace and fulfillment doing something else -- with a 39% acceptance rate, I promise you it's possible to live a joyful and rewarding live outside medicine. But for the love of your kid, don't start med school without your wife being on board.

So on point

 

[deleted966164]

OP needs to talk to his wife, not SDN

Was about to post something along this line today.

“If you need to consult strangers on an Internet forum about something that should be discussed between you and your partner - something’s not right”.

Good luck OP! I hope things work out for you and your family. I am blessed with a wife who is 100% on board and kids who care about “dada being happy.” I wish you the same.

P.S. Revisit the discussion after the post partum mood swings are over.

 

[deleted859689]

Love how OP’s of these long threads never respond