Relationships - need advice!

[blondMD]

Hi all,
My boyfriend of 2 years is a first year dental student and I see him considerably less then when we first began dating. Sometimes I get frustrated because I think hes on overkill mode with the studying b/c he's looking to specialize. I know it's tough, but he swears that I won't know until I get there and that I'll be the same way in medical school. At any rate, we both agreed that we want to stay together throughout all this, but it's still hard especially now that the weather is nice and he studies all day Saturday and Sunday instead of us doing something outdoorsy like we used to. And the little time we do spend together, he is usually exhausted which I am understanding of, but it gets frustrating after a while. Is anyone in a similar situation? Any advice on how to get through/makes things better? We sometimes study together, but his work is so much more intense so I feel like a burden to him. Any advice would be extremely helpful!!!

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[JRogoff]

Hi all,
My boyfriend of 2 years is a first year dental student and I see him considerably less then when we first began dating. Sometimes I get frustrated because I think hes on overkill mode with the studying b/c he's looking to specialize. I know it's tough, but he swears that I won't know until I get there and that I'll be the same way in medical school. At any rate, we both agreed that we want to stay together throughout all this, but it's still hard especially now that the weather is nice and he studies all day Saturday and Sunday instead of us doing something outdoorsy like we used to. And the little time we do spend together, he is usually exhausted which I am understanding of, but it gets frustrating after a while. Is anyone in a similar situation? Any advice on how to get through/makes things better? We sometimes study together, but his work is so much more intense so I feel like a burden to him. Any advice would be extremely helpful!!!

I was in this exact situation at the start of dental school with a girl that i thought i was going to marry. You probably don't want to hear this, but we broke up. Dental school puts a tremendous stress on any relationship. Most of my classmates also broke up with their girlfriend/boyfriend. Hope it works out for the best...

 

[Rezdawg]

Dental school (or med school) will definitely put a strain on any relationship. If you can work through it, then it shows the strength of your commitment to one another. Its a good test to see if you are meant for each other.

 

[simpledoc]

I was in this exact situation at the start of dental school with a girl that i thought i was going to marry. You probably don't want to hear this, but we broke up. Dental school puts a tremendous stress on any relationship. Most of my classmates also broke up with their girlfriend/boyfriend. Hope it works out for the best...

well, blondMD, thats not true in all cases..i know several couples who started off during their 2nd or 3rd year of collge and got throiugh 4 years of dental/medical school and one couple i know are into specialization now and are married as well...so, unless you also have other problems goin on in the relationship its not a big deal! ..i mean if everything else is perfect, the studies/time factor takes a little bit of compromise and time for both parties to get acclimatized..good luck!
i think you need to watch a little bit of dr.90210 to see the real lives of plastic surgeons and their spouses, which might inspire you..

 

[sheepfsh]

Its true that most people break up after going to dental/med school. I do not want to discourage you but everyone in our class broke up within the their 1st year, but thats them and this is you. If you to can practice a great deal of patience and try to comprimise on stuff hear and there then thing should go well w/ you all. If anything try to keep the communication open and use that as a means to finding solutions to any of the problems that may be occuring. Hope this all helps and best of luck.

 

[UDM07]

I think you have to schedule time to be together. I've found that if I build time into my schedule for my relationships, that it works beter. I'm married and have survived the first two years of dental school, and I feel my relationship with my wife is better now that when we started. The key for my wife and I is to make the time we do spend together quality time. You and your boyfriend have to make the time you spend together worth it. It takes effort. He has to focus on you, not his work, and you have to remember that he has limited time. You do have to understand that dental or medical school is extremely time consuming, you may not hang out every day like you used to. If you really want to stay with this guy, you'll give him the liberty to study when he needs to, or else you risk frustrating him and driving him off. Just make your times together priorities and don't sweat the change in the amount of time you spend together.

 

[UDM07]

By the way, relationships do work in dental school. Many of my classmates are married or got married during the first two years. There have been no divorces or marriage separations. In fact, there are three or four people who have had kids during the first couple years. Relationships do work, you just have to give it the effort it requires to make it work.

 

[SPBest]

I'm in my second year and my wife and I have been married for just over 5 years. Professional school is hard and it is EXTREMELY difficult to understand what each person in the relationshipo is going through. My wife is very supportive but I know that she gets frustrated OFTEN when I have to pay more attention to school that I do her. But I think some of that stems from the fact that she doesn't fully understand what is expected of a student in this situation. HOWEVER, on the other hand I also know that I do not understand completely how she feels neglected, playing second fiddle to school. But what we both understand is that we love eachother and this experience, no matter how diffucult, will benefit us in the end we just need to support us as much as we can and try to empathize with eachother.

 

[45540]

And you feel like asking for relationship advice on an online forum? I would think you'd get better advice from someone who knows the two of you. School's hard, that's a fact of life. In a few years he'll have time to relax, now he's putting his time in.

 

[zdaddy08]

And you feel like asking for relationship advice on an online forum? I would think you'd get better advice from someone who knows the two of you. School's hard, that's a fact of life. In a few years he'll have time to relax, now he's putting his time in.

I agree....the bright side is that after his first 2 years, it is considerably less time studying and more "you" time when he gets to clinic. But by that time, you will probably up to your ass in alligators in med school.

Like I tried to concinve my EX-fiancee...this time is a blip on the radar...just hang in there...it will be worth it....

 

[groundhog]

"Oh
girls wanna have fun
they just wanna have
they just wanna have
oh
girls just wanna have fun"
Cyndi Lauper

"Women and children can afford to be careless...men cannot"
Vito Corleone to Michael Corleone.

 

[lnn2]

"Oh
girls wanna have fun
they just wanna have
they just wanna have
oh
girls just wanna have fun"
Cyndi Lauper

"Women and children can afford to be careless...men cannot"
Vito Corleone to Michael Corleone.

True dat
Guess what'll happen to a guy who neglects his goal(s)? He took his girl out shopping, fine dinning, traveling, max out his credit cards...and the worst part: failed classes and dropped out of college. Then his girl dumped him for a Bigger Better Deal! She said that he has "no direction" and "no plans for the future" for his/their lives Yup, that's what happened to my best buddy in undergrad! He cried his eyes out. I didn't know whether to pity, hug or hold his hand! Well, I didn't do any of the above! "Move on" was all I could say! The last I heard of him was that he's finished some kind of a career training from one of those career institutions. Sad but truth!

To the OP: UDM07 and SPBest and others have excellent advices
Whatever does not kill your relationship will only make it stronger!
Touche' but it's true. Don't come between he and his career because it's a lose-lose situation I would find a good time and have a heart to heart talk with him. Just don't start out with "Honey, we need to talk"! because it'll put him in a defensive mode! You'd like to spend a little more time together, maybe going out once per week/ every 2wks/ month... or whenever possible. Make time for it. It's not easy for your bf to have fun when he's stressed out about school. But he needs to relax and chill sometimes otherwise he'll burn out, fast!

As you know, to get into a specialty is generally very competitive. It takes a LOT of time and efforts. So does a relationship, from both of you! The first 2yrs of dental school are the hardest years (arguably tougher than med school) and the last 2yrs still won't get any easier, dealing with patients, clinical requirements, residency...Now, he obviously needs your shoulder to lean on as you will need him down the road.

You might not be able to do things that you used to do (you're both in a different circumstances now) but learn to enjoy the short time/breaks that you have together such as lunch, dinner, studying breaks...or any quickies Leave him short message by paper/cell phone/notes whenever you can or feel like it (I love those little things from my ex girls!) and he can do the same in return....

You're lucky that both of you are not in a long distance relationship!
Be creative and compromise....If you truely love each other then you both will find a way to make it work....

 

[Jack Worthing]

i would suggest doing some thoughtful things for him -- cooking or doing his laundry while he's doing all that studying. I'd appreciate it if I were him. Heck I'd appreciate it, myself. I studied all day this weekend, too.

Or you could give him the gift of missing you.

good advice so far, from posters above. worthwhile thread here...
ok, more studying...

 

[AUG2UAG]

When I asked the dean of admissions at CUSDOS about marriage, I was told:
considering the two of you are going to accumulate tremendous loans, a marriage between (dental) students is like two weak corporations trying to merge!

I agree! At least find a mate without loan debts!

 

[blondMD]

True dat
Guess what'll happen to a guy who neglects his goal(s)? He took his girl out shopping, fine dinning, traveling, max out his credit cards...and the worst part: failed classes and dropped out of college. Then his girl dumped him for a Bigger Better Deal! She said that he has "no direction" and "no plans for the future" for his/their lives Yup, that's what happened to my best buddy in undergrad! He cried his eyes out. I didn't know whether to pity, hug or hold his hand! Well, I didn't do any of the above! "Move on" was all I could say! The last I heard of him was that he's finished some kind of a career training from one of those career institutions. Sad but truth!

To the OP: UDM07 and SPBest and others have excellent advices
Whatever does not kill your relationship will only make it stronger!
Touche' but it's true. Don't come between he and his career because it's a lose-lose situation I would find a good time and have a heart to heart talk with him. Just don't start out with "Honey, we need to talk"! because it'll put him in a defensive mode! You'd like to spend a little more time together, maybe going out once per week/ every 2wks/ month... or whenever possible. Make time for it. It's not easy for your bf to have fun when he's stressed out about school. But he needs to relax and chill sometimes otherwise he'll burn out, fast!

As you know, to get into a specialty is generally very competitive. It takes a LOT of time and efforts. So does a relationship, from both of you! The first 2yrs of dental school are the hardest years (arguably tougher than med school) and the last 2yrs still won't get any easier, dealing with patients, clinical requirements, residency...Now, he obviously needs your shoulder to lean on as you will need him down the road.

You might not be able to do things that you used to do (you're both in a different circumstances now) but learn to enjoy the short time/breaks that you have together such as lunch, dinner, studying breaks...or any quickies Leave him short message by paper/cell phone/notes whenever you can or feel like it (I love those little things from my ex girls!) and he can do the same in return....

You're lucky that both of you are not in a long distance relationship!
Be creative and compromise....If you truely love each other then you both will find a way to make it work....

Thanks for taking the time to reply! Your advice was very helpful and encouraging. I often cook for him on Sundays so he has lunch for the whole week and does not have to worry about getting dinner so there is more time to study. Our schedules are quite different...his 8-5 does now coincide with my lazy grad schedule of noon til sometimes 10pm if I have evening class. But I can see an improvement already after a few days. We had a long talk last week and are both living up to our ends of the agreement, so far anyways. Hes going to be more flexible, and I'm going to be less sensitive so I don't get disappointed when he can't hang out. It's tough going to family parties and friends birthdays stag, but usually if I let him know far far in advance about a social commitment, he plans his studying around it and arranges at the least a cameo.

I'm sorry it didnt work out so well for you ..but somehow I think we are going to be ok. It is easier to take a step back and look at the big picture. As zdaddy08 says "this is just a blip on the radar" .

Thanks to everyone, it's just great to hear about other people in similar situations, and how they deal with this. If he wasn't such a great guy I guess I wouldnt care as much and just walk. But I really love him and I'm not ready to move on yet. So let's see how this goes!!!

 

[Mayusea]

"Oh
girls wanna have fun
they just wanna have
they just wanna have
oh
girls just wanna have fun"
Cyndi Lauper

"Women and children can afford to be careless...men cannot"
Vito Corleone to Michael Corleone.

And women in dental school? Can they afford to be careless? I've worked just as hard as any guy to get into dental school, and I'm not going to be doing my boyfriends laundry or cooking romantic dinners anytime soon.

 

[zdaddy08]

And women in dental school? Can they afford to be careless? I've worked just as hard as any guy to get into dental school, and I'm not going to be doing my boyfriends laundry or cooking romantic dinners anytime soon.

well...why not?

 

[Jack Worthing]

And women in dental school? Can they afford to be careless? I've worked just as hard as any guy to get into dental school, and I'm not going to be doing my boyfriends laundry or cooking romantic dinners anytime soon.

Bravo.

Your entry refers indirectly to my suggestion that blondMD do her boyfriend's laundry or cook for him (I wrongly assumed she had not already thought of and done it). I realize now how wrong it sounds, but what I really meant was she could do that now, in her relatively free time as a grad student before she starts med school (I'm guessing next fall?).



Anyway you bring up a good point-- Don't expect laundry favors or free food when blondMD goes to med school.

 

[JMJRDH1]

Hi all,
My boyfriend of 2 years is a first year dental student and I see him considerably less then when we first began dating. Sometimes I get frustrated because I think hes on overkill mode with the studying b/c he's looking to specialize. I know it's tough, but he swears that I won't know until I get there and that I'll be the same way in medical school. At any rate, we both agreed that we want to stay together throughout all this, but it's still hard especially now that the weather is nice and he studies all day Saturday and Sunday instead of us doing something outdoorsy like we used to. And the little time we do spend together, he is usually exhausted which I am understanding of, but it gets frustrating after a while. Is anyone in a similar situation? Any advice on how to get through/makes things better? We sometimes study together, but his work is so much more intense so I feel like a burden to him. Any advice would be extremely helpful!!!

The main question I would ask you is whether or not you guys are 110% commited to being together for the rest of your lives without question, reservation or hesitation.

If the answer is yes, then working everything out together will not be an option, you will just make it work.

If the answer is no, then it may be time for a heart to heart talk and make some tough but realistic decisions about your future together.


Two years invested in a relationship is not a short period of time, but it is not so long either that you can't move on if that is the best thing to do for yourself. Without a 110% honest committment from both of you, there is little statistical chance of it working out for the next 5-7 years of professional schooling that will take place.

He is obviously committed to dental school, and let's presume that you are as committed to medical school. Are you both as committed to each other?

Best of luck!