The Shaggy Dog ER Story

[docB]

I caught part of an intern lecture the other day. The topic was that we should all try to empathize with our patients. “Try to understand them and their expectations, try to understand what it’s like to be them.” I believe was the charge. So I’ve been trying to empathize and understand and even emulate my patients.

Last night I had some mild transient nausea. So of course I called 911. At the ER I was placed in triage so I peed on the floor and stormed out. Once I was out walking around I realized that I didn’t have a ride. That kind of stressed me out. The ambulance crew was really mean. They said “stressed out” wasn’t a reason to call 911. Who knew? I see that delivered to my ER about 6 times a week. So I knew I’d need to think of something fast or they’d just leave me there. Vaginal bleeding didn’t fly (the whole discrimination issue about male vaginal bleeding aside) so I decided on back pain. They reluctantly loaded me up and off we went. I demanded to be driven past every hospital in town and then taken to the geographically farthest one. They got mad again. I pointed out that was not an unusual thing for them but talk about deaf ears. Anyway, I eventually made it to the ER again. I told them how I’m allergic to everything but Demerol when it’s given in high doses, IV, with Vistaril and pushed fast. I’m not but that’s what all my patients say so I assumed it was like some kind of code to let the nurses know that you’re a regular and deserve special treatment. So they put me in a bed and I kept getting up and eloping to go smoke. I don’t smoke but again I’ve been trying to empathize with my patients. So the doctor finally comes in and says “I’ve been watching you walk around and you don’t look like you’re in 10/10 pain to me.” I said that I actually had chest pain. He pointed out that I had told the EMTs and triage that it was back pain. I realized that I had gotten a little confused and that it probably was back pain, whatever. I can’t believe how annoyed he seemed. So anyway I wind up back on the street with a script for Motrin. I still didn’t know what to do though so I sat down to think. My butt started to itch so I called 911 again. I mean why should I scratch my own ass when there’s this big, free system to provide someone to do it for me? This time EMS takes me to the big county hospital. I had to wait for like 6 hours. I keep bugging the triage nurse about when they were going to see me, when could I get pain meds and could I have another box lunch and what if my butt itch was more serious than it seemed. I asked to talk to the hospital administrator but he didn’t listen. Eventually I got my butt scratched by an intern and then a resident. When the attending showed up I demanded to know how they were going to prove to me that the scratching was sufficient. I wanted a PET scan. When security showed up I thought it was to take me to my PET scan but instead they just took me outside and left me there by myself. I kept shouting back at the building that my butt was getting tingly again but they didn’t care. Bastards. Out on the sidewalk was a beer bottle. Having learned from my patients I started trying to figure out how to get the bottle into my colon. So then I...

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[Dimoak]

I caught part of an intern lecture the other day. The topic was that we should all try to empathize with our patients. “Try to understand them and their expectations, try to understand what it’s like to be them.” I believe was the charge. So I’ve been trying to empathize and understand and even emulate my patients.

Last night I had some mild transient nausea. So of course I called 911. At the ER I was placed in triage so I peed on the floor and stormed out. Once I was out walking around I realized that I didn’t have a ride. That kind of stressed me out. The ambulance crew was really mean. They said “stressed out” wasn’t a reason to call 911. Who knew? I see that delivered to my ER about 6 times a week. So I knew I’d need to think of something fast or they’d just leave me there. Vaginal bleeding didn’t fly (the whole discrimination issue about male vaginal bleeding aside) so I decided on back pain. They reluctantly loaded me up and off we went. I demanded to be driven past every hospital in town and then taken to the geographically farthest one. They got mad again. I pointed out that was not an unusual thing for them but talk about deaf ears. Anyway, I eventually made it to the ER again. I told them how I’m allergic to everything but Demerol when it’s given in high doses, IV, with Vistaril and pushed fast. I’m not but that’s what all my patients say so I assumed it was like some kind of code to let the nurses know that you’re a regular and deserve special treatment. So they put me in a bed and I kept getting up and eloping to go smoke. I don’t smoke but again I’ve been trying to empathize with my patients. So the doctor finally comes in and says “I’ve been watching you walk around and you don’t look like you’re in 10/10 pain to me.” I said that I actually had chest pain. He pointed out that I had told the EMTs and triage that it was back pain. I realized that I had gotten a little confused and that it probably was back pain, whatever. I can’t believe how annoyed he seemed. So anyway I wind up back on the street with a script for Motrin. I still didn’t know what to do though so I sat down to think. My butt started to itch so I called 911 again. I mean why should I scratch my own ass when there’s this big, free system to provide someone to do it for me? This time EMS takes me to the big county hospital. I had to wait for like 6 hours. I keep bugging the triage nurse about when they were going to see me, when could I get pain meds and could I have another box lunch and what if my butt itch was more serious than it seemed. I asked to talk to the hospital administrator but he didn’t listen. Eventually I got my butt scratched by an intern and then a resident. When the attending showed up I demanded to know how they were going to prove to me that the scratching was sufficient. I wanted a PET scan. When security showed up I thought it was to take me to my PET scan but instead they just took me outside and left me there by myself. I kept shouting back at the building that my butt was getting tingly again but they didn’t care. Bastards. Out on the sidewalk was a beer bottle. Having learned from my patients I started trying to figure out how to get the bottle into my colon. So then I...

That was great.

 

[Wackie]

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Slow night DocB?

 

[lattimer13]

holy $hite!

 

[docB]

…called 911 again and gave them my chief complaint of needing to get the beer bottle into my rectum. I told them that I had been hanging chandeliers, naked and falling off my ladder all day but not once did the bottle wind up in my ass. Go figure. I thought it was practically impossible to fall off a ladder naked and not have something go up there but oh well. Anyway EMS took me to the psych hospital. The crisis worker asked me if I wanted to kill myself and I said no. She told me she was going to let me go and asked me how I ended up there in the first place. I explained about EMS and the beer bottle and the naked ladder falling and the next thing I know I’m on a 72 hours psych hold. So I hung around the psych ward for a few days. I spent the time shoving crayons up my nose and telling the paranoiacs that I was from the CIA and I could steal their thoughts. I convinced one guy that the only way to keep me from reading his mind was to keep his head submerged in a toilet. He actually made himself pass out trying to keep his head under water. I didn’t get in trouble because the staff assumed he was trying to kill himself. Luckily when he did come to he tried to tell on me but he kept telling the staff I was a spy from the CIA and they didn’t believe him. I did convince on of the psychologists that I believed I was the reincarnation of William Shatner. He tried to trip me up by noting that Shatner is still alive but I explained to him about the Shatner clones and the decoy robots and then he left me alone. Eventually 72 hours passed and someone asked me if I was suicidal and I said no so I was back on the street. I wandered around for a while and then I had to pee. So I called 911 and told them I had to pee. When EMS arrived I…

 

[docB]

Everyone can play. That's what the shaggy dog story is all about.

 

[ERMudPhud]

So when EMS arrived I told them how I had been holding it in rather than just pee on a building or in an alley or in detox like I used to because I had come to realize that there was a whole system out there just waiting to help me solve all my problems. They were going to leave me there but then I told them I had to go so bad it made my belly hurt so they transported me as a belly pain. When I got to the ED the doc there already knew me. He remembered me from that whole back pain/ chest pain thing and refused to help me pee. When I realized that no one was going to help me pee and that I had already missed out on all the dinner trays I asked for a phone. Then I used it to call 911 and ask them to take me to different hospital where they still had food

 

[EC3]

The 911 operator promptly hung up on me. Who did this she-thing of a telephone commando think she was? I wasn't going to sit here and starve all night, though, something had to be done! I had to think fast and with little time to spare, i proceeded to nearest intersection. There i found what i was looking for, the most perfect corner, complete with a nice ambiance of flood lighting and the hum of highway traffic behind me. Just a matter of time, I thought. It's gotta happen soon. **pssst!** Hey, who's there?! I'm just minding my business! **whap!** **thud** **scurry,scurry**

 

[docB]

... I looked up and saw some dude running away in the night. There was something about that guy. I knew I'd see him again. I was flat on my back bleeding for a big lac on my head. I really hurt my butt because I fell on my Bible. This whole thing sucked pretty bad but then I heard it. Off in the distance, a siren. It got louder and louder as my salvation approached. When the paramedics came to help me I was so happy I tried to hug them. I accidentally smacked one when I put my arms out to embrace him and the next thing I know I'm strapped down to a gurney with a scoop on top of me. What's up with that. Well I'll tell you what, in a situation like that you can only do one thing, fight. So I fought and spit and yelled until I felt a sharp pain and a burning in my thigh. Everything got real fuzzy until I started to wake up. I was pretty disoriented. The only thing I was really sure of was that there was something in my penis that wasn't there before. I started to look around the room when...

 

[BklynWill]

I felt a cold, wet, gloved finger probe a region where only bottles should be. I opened my eyes wider but could only make out a blurry figure in a white coat. I told him I wanted to talk to my lawyer but he said he was just a student and that he didn't know how to page him yet. I don't deserve this punishment! Just a few minutes ago I was only standing on a corner minding my own...

 

[bulgethetwine]

I felt a cold, wet, gloved finger probe a region where only bottles should be. I opened my eyes wider but could only make out a blurry figure in a white coat. I told him I wanted to talk to my lawyer but he said he was just a student and that he didn't know how to page him yet. I don't deserve this punishment! Just a few minutes ago I was only standing on a corner minding my own...

pimp-ass piece of real estate, and now I am being subject to care by a student! I wonder when I'm going to get my turkey sandwich? If I could just get...this...tube...out...of...my THERE! Now I can breathe better through my nose. I live in the wealthiest country in the world, and although I don't pay taxes, well... I live in the wealthiest country in the world, damnit, and I deserve my health care whoever and whenever I want. It's all free anyway.

WHERE is my turkey sandwich?

And why do I have an iv in my arm? I don't need that, I'm here because of backache. Or was it chest pain? Or the bottle in the... either way, I don't need this iv and since I'm not strapped anymore I'll take it out...

Where is the remote for the TV, god damnit? ...

 

[Perrin]

...maybe it's here in this small red box. Oh holy jesus it's the motherload. All these needles in here will be really usefull later. No, I won't put them back. Ya'll used them already, so you don't need them anymore. Finders Keepers. Oh, is that so, huh. Well, here, let's see you and the big guy try and catch these. That's right you motherfcukers, now bring me my sandwich and where the hell are my pants and my bible. Hmmm...I wonder whats in these drawers over here......

 

[EM_Rebuilder]

..Thats funny, these look like a duck bill, quack quack. Hmm, theres some of these in this trash can too. Looks like they have blood on them, I wonder what they are for... This one smells familiar. Forget this, I am taking off. You know, this wheel chair would be fun, maybe I could sale it with some of these duck bills for crack money. I gotta get this tube out of my penis first... UGH. Ouch. Man. That thing is swelling up now, guess I wont have to steal my buddies little blue pills now. Who knew just putting a plastic tube and pulling it out would make it swell.... wait, blood. There should not be blood from there, I mean the green stuff has been running out for some time... but blood? Alright, this IV I will keep in, that will be good easy access. Nobody is looking, I am outta hear. Cool. A helicopter is landing. I am going to go lay on the pad and see what happens...

 

[EctopicFetus]

A guy showed up at our ED and walked into triage and asked for a C Collar when we realized dude had been there this am looking for narcs we let him wait.. He took off the c collar himself, eventually it was explained that narcs were not an option.. He tried to wait us out but guess what we have other things to do. Anyways he eventually left no doubt to go to another ED.

 

[igcgnerd]

..Thats funny, these look like a duck bill, quack quack. Hmm, theres some of these in this trash can too. Looks like they have blood on them, I wonder what they are for... This one smells familiar. Forget this, I am taking off. You know, this wheel chair would be fun, maybe I could sale it with some of these duck bills for crack money. I gotta get this tube out of my penis first... UGH. Ouch. Man. That thing is swelling up now, guess I wont have to steal my buddies little blue pills now. Who knew just putting a plastic tube and pulling it out would make it swell.... wait, blood. There should not be blood from there, I mean the green stuff has been running out for some time... but blood? Alright, this IV I will keep in, that will be good easy access. Nobody is looking, I am outta hear. Cool. A helicopter is landing. I am going to go lay on the pad and see what happens...

I layed on the giant H but dammit the landing gears facing the other way. The flight nurse if getting out lets see if she has something in her orange box that can put this iv to good use. Apparently she doesnt like me showing her what happens when I play with the tube in my junk. Lets see if she has a bottle handy...

 

[Miami_med]

I layed on the giant H but dammit the landing gears facing the other way. The flight nurse if getting out lets see if she has something in her orange box that can put this iv to good use. Apparently she doesnt like me showing her what happens when I play with the tube in my junk. Lets see if she has a bottle handy...

I tried to approach her, but she just ignored me and kept walking. What could be more important than me in that helicopter? Oh well. I realized that I had to pee (atleast that's what I thought that burning sensation was). I thought about going inside, but when I noticed that it had started raining, I decided that it would be a better idea to pee off of the roof. I walked to the edge and pulled down my shorts. Before I could stop myself I fell off. Who thought a wet roof could be so slippery? I landed in a dumpster. Just my luck! It was full of bottles. I was screaming in pain from my broken appendages, but I realized that one of the bottles had lodged itself in my...

 

[basementbeastie]

http://www.williamshatner.com/

 

[docB]

It was full of bottles. I was screaming in pain from my broken appendages, but I realized that one of the bottles had lodged itself in my...

…rectum. I was actually really happy because I had always been told you could fall and wind up with a bottle up there and now I knew it was true. But after the initial exhilaration it seemed kind of silly, you know, walking around with this bottle up my rear. It chafed my cheeks and since I was wearing a hospital gown it made the gown stick up in the back. I wandered around the side of the hospital and some teenages started laughing and pointing at me and yelling “Hey! Check out that idiot with the bottle up his butt!” Sheesh. Kids can be so disrespectful. Anyway I pulled the bottle out and wandered off down the street. I saw a liquor store and decided to go on in. No one said anything which surprised me because I was still wearing nothing but a hospital gown that kept riding up and left little to the imagination. I also had blood dripping out of my penis from pulling that sadistic balloon tube thingy. My head was all swollen up from the beating I got from that one dude (I still have the feeling I’ll be seeing him again). So all in all I looked like kind of a freak except that I was carrying a Bible. I think that put people at ease. So like I said no one in the liquor store cared about my current state of affairs until I started to drink those bottles of vodka. That got a reaction. The clerk called the cops. I was able to drink two beers, which in my town means four liters of vodka, before the cops came and tossed me back out on the sidewalk. I thanked the officers politely. At least that’s how I remember it. The vodka may have made me remember things a little differently than they really came out though because the cops got kind of annoyed and started tazing me. I think they tazed me nonstop for about a half an hour until EMS showed up. Then they tazed me a few more times. EMS and the cops talked for a while and I just sat there on the pavement. They eventually decided that one of the nice officers should take me for a little drive. 30 minutes later I was standing buck naked on the side of a deserted country road on the other side of the county line. Well, there was only one thing to do in that situation…

 

[bulgethetwine]

…rectum. I was actually really happy because I had always been told you could fall and wind up with a bottle up there and now I knew it was true. But after the initial exhilaration it seemed kind of silly, you know, walking around with this bottle up my rear. It chafed my cheeks and since I was wearing a hospital gown it made the gown stick up in the back. I wandered around the side of the hospital and some teenages started laughing and pointing at me and yelling “Hey! Check out that idiot with the bottle up his butt!” Sheesh. Kids can be so disrespectful. Anyway I pulled the bottle out and wandered off down the street. I saw a liquor store and decided to go on in. No one said anything which surprised me because I was still wearing nothing but a hospital gown that kept riding up and left little to the imagination. I also had blood dripping out of my penis from pulling that sadistic balloon tube thingy. My head was all swollen up from the beating I got from that one dude (I still have the feeling I’ll be seeing him again). So all in all I looked like kind of a freak except that I was carrying a Bible. I think that put people at ease. So like I said no one in the liquor store cared about my current state of affairs until I started to drink those bottles of vodka. That got a reaction. The clerk called the cops. I was able to drink two beers, which in my town means four liters of vodka, before the cops came and tossed me back out on the sidewalk. I thanked the officers politely. At least that’s how I remember it. The vodka may have made me remember things a little differently than they really came out though because the cops got kind of annoyed and started tazing me. I think they tazed me nonstop for about a half an hour until EMS showed up. Then they tazed me a few more times. EMS and the cops talked for a while and I just sat there on the pavement. They eventually decided that one of the nice officers should take me for a little drive. 30 minutes later I was standing buck naked on the side of a deserted country road on the other side of the county line. Well, there was only one thing to do in that situation…

Cow-tipping! Except it turns out it's kinda hard to actually tip over a cow. Especially when you're still kind of tipsy yourself. But as I wandered the fields of goo, grass and glue, one particular "cow" caught my eye. As it was charging towards me. With a ring in its ear...

So I'm running and running and running for the fence and I just barely beat the bull to the chain link fence which I scramble over and scale just in time, landing on my head on the other side with a grotesque laceration in the nether regions from the sharp bit at the top. Or maybe it was blood from my urethra, I'm not sure. Either way, I sure was lucky when Country Jimmy came along in his pickup when I was hitchhiking. Still naked. I flagged him down and asked him to take me to the nearest ER, and he leered at me with missing chicklets and offered to not only take me there, but to let me sit up front with him. As Jimmy put his foot on the gas, and his hand on the gear shift, I settled into a nice little snooze in the summer breeze when curiously, I felt a hand...

 

[emtp6811]

Oh Lord... tell me it ain't so...

 

[Hayduke]

Cow-tipping! Except it turns out it's kinda hard to actually tip over a cow. Especially when you're still kind of tipsy yourself. But as I wandered the fields of goo, grass and glue, one particular "cow" caught my eye. As it was charging towards me. With a ring in its ear...

So I'm running and running and running for the fence and I just barely beat the bull to the chain link fence which I scramble over and scale just in time, landing on my head on the other side with a grotesque laceration in the nether regions from the sharp bit at the top. Or maybe it was blood from my urethra, I'm not sure. Either way, I sure was lucky when Country Jimmy came along in his pickup when I was hitchhiking. Still naked. I flagged him down and asked him to take me to the nearest ER, and he leered at me with missing chicklets and offered to not only take me there, but to let me sit up front with him. As Jimmy put his foot on the gas, and his hand on the gear shift, I settled into a nice little snooze in the summer breeze when curiously, I felt a hand...

inside my mouth. Then there was this awful pain in my jaw and a little giggle. I opened my eyes to see Jimmy standing over me with a pair of needle nosed pliers clenching my gold molar.
I got that thing paid for after pawning my mom's TV. I remember it took me a half hour to scratch off the rent-a-center sticker.
"Just what the hell are you doing?" I asked.
He plunked my jewel into an ashtray full of what looked like teeth and some of those duckbills only made from pewter.
"I've always had an interest in the dental arts. Of course I do all sorts of arts..." He nodded toward my chest. Tattooed in black just like it came off a chevy, was an enormous #3 wrapped in a wreath. My arms had new additions including an eagle carrying a tiny little jesus with the letters a-r-m-i-g-i-d-d-i-n, and a picture of a pit-bull with the caption "lil' boogar RIP".
"What are you doing?" I asked again.
"I'm looking for a little symmetry in the world is all. Between the number of choppers you have left and the love 'spressions I give ya in ink I think you're just about evened up. Let's count."
He opened my bleeding maw with his grubby hand and counted to 9 real slow. Then he went over my tats and counted to 8.
"D@mn! I know I counted to nine before.....oh yeah....now I remember." He reached down between my legs and picked up what used to be my manprod. On the hood over the top of the gaping blood-crusted hole were two words drawn in prison style. It took me a moment to figure out what it said from that angle. I sounded out the letters one at a time so I could make sense. I mouthed out the letters "y-o-u-r n-a-m-e".
"Nine! Nine! I tell ya. You're all evened up!"
I staggered to my feet in front of the giggling creep and swung hard enough to put him down.
"No you idiot. It isn't nine! You didn't check did you?"
I turned around so he could see my hind parts. I spread real slow so I was sure he could see my pride. That's right. I have a little blue rabbit on my grundle that looks like it's leapin' into my bottle hole.
I spun round quick and yelled in his face. "Ten. ya got that! Ten!"

With that I ran out the door of what turned out to be garage on a pretty busy street. Right acroos the road was a city fire station. It was lit up like a stadium. The trucks were there all bright and shiny. I felt like a kid walking toward a new bike. Kinda dreamy. All I heard was a honk, a squeal and...

 

[Hayduke]

bump
Pleez y'all. I gotta know what happens.

 

[ERMudPhud]

Next thing I knew a little kid had just run over my foot with his bike. Compared to Jimbo's dental and derm work it hardly hurt at all but I still fell to the ground clutching my mangled foot. The little rugrat rode away around the corner. Eventually, the firefighters from across the street saw me lying in the street. They saw the blood coming from my mouth thanks to Jimbo's dental work and all the bleeding new tat's that looked like road rash plus all the other injuries I got earlier in the day. They strapped me back to the scoop and put the collar on. This time I knew not to fight back or spook them in any way so my transport was much less eventful. They brought me in as something called an "autoped." Before long that same damn medical student had is finger in my bottom again. He still didn't know how to get a hold of my lawyer. They xrayed me all over, scrubbed off the "road rash", and still didn't give me a turkey sandwich. The blood from my urethra, remember that, caused them to squirt some **** into my johnson while taking xrays! They also sewed up the lacs I got from falling off the helipad and jumping the fence when the cow was chasing me. They didn't do squat for all the bleeding sockets in my mouth. Where are those damn turkey sandwiches! All they found was a little broken bone in my foot. Could've been the rug rat, could've been the fall from the helipad, could've been last week when my Harley tipped over. They sent me out with a little boot on my foot and a script for some T-3's. I guess they were getting tired of seeing my ass in the ER cause they loaded me in a cab with a voucher and sent me home. Once I got home I realized that even though I didn't smoke now seemed like a good time to start. I thought I'd pick up some smokes while I was out filling the script for the pain pills. I only had enough cash for the smokes. I had no idea they were so expensive. So even though my medicaid copay was only like $5 I went home with no pain pils. Before long my foot started to hurt. I wasn't sure what to do but then I remember those people who were there to help me so I called 911 and told them my foot hurt real bad...

 

[Y2KPSD]

bump,

We need some additions to this....

 

[EM2BE]

...so they reluctantly came to get me. Took way too long to reach me too - a whole 14 minutes. I'm going to make sure I tell my lawyer that when the medical student figures out how to page him. This time I'll ask for a ham sammich and see if it comes. I remember vaguely I did something to the paramedics a few days ago that really made them mad at me, but I couldn't remember what exactly. Then they decided to stick me with this needle, so I reasonably reacted by swinging at them. Then came the restraints again. Maybe that's what I did to them last time. I'll have to see if I get the same reaction tomorrow from them. So I finally arrive at the ER after a really long ride - I think they took the side roads with the most bumps before finally getting to the hospital - another thing to talk to my lawyer about. When the nurse came in and asked what brought me in, I told her I needed some pain killers because I lost my piece of paper I was supposed to take to the pharmacy. Maybe this will get me some of the good stuff. So I told her exactly what I wanted - that one that starts with a d, like demerol. I thought if I told her then it wouldn't take as long to get the medication. Boy was I wrong. So then...

 

[Dr.Evil1]

...so they reluctantly came to get me. Took way too long to reach me too - a whole 14 minutes. I'm going to make sure I tell my lawyer that when the medical student figures out how to page him. This time I'll ask for a ham sammich and see if it comes. I remember vaguely I did something to the paramedics a few days ago that really made them mad at me, but I couldn't remember what exactly. Then they decided to stick me with this needle, so I reasonably reacted by swinging at them. Then came the restraints again. Maybe that's what I did to them last time. I'll have to see if I get the same reaction tomorrow from them. So I finally arrive at the ER after a really long ride - I think they took the side roads with the most bumps before finally getting to the hospital - another thing to talk to my lawyer about. When the nurse came in and asked what brought me in, I told her I needed some pain killers because I lost my piece of paper I was supposed to take to the pharmacy. Maybe this will get me some of the good stuff. So I told her exactly what I wanted - that one that starts with a d, like demerol. I thought if I told her then it wouldn't take as long to get the medication. Boy was I wrong. So then...

...I was out on the street again. I wandered around a bit, it was kind of tough with the splint that they had put on my broken foot. I know that they said that I shouldn't bear any weight on it until I saw the orthopedic surgeons or podiatrists or whoever they put on my paperwork. Oh yeah, my paperwork, lost that about 30 seconds after I left the ED. Not like I have a phone anyway, well, actually I have about 3 cell phones but they are all out of minutes from my baby's momma calling me to let me know that I have to get to the health department. She says "I burned her" and something about Mona, I told her that I hadn't screwed Mona but once and I even used a condom for half the time. I saw that I was right in front of a church just then. Sometimes they have sandwiches, right? I wandered inside to find a full congregation in the middle of Sunday mass. I guess that the feeling took hold of me cause next thing I knew I was back in the ED and I had friends from the church with me now....

 

[docB]

...I was irritated that EMS made me put on a dress, a wig and a little pillbox hat but they said that was the required uniform for anyone who done fell out in church. So EMS put me in a gurney in the ED and my 37 visitors began to gather all the chairs and lunch trays in the ED in a rapid and systematic manner. Then some mean nurse said I could only have one visitor at the bedside. We're all reasonable people so we naturally began to trash the ED and set fire to the place. After the police standoff I was walking along the sidewalk naked (I'm not gonna wear a dress outside) and I really needed an ambulance because I got a snoot full of tear gas so I...

 

[Hard24Get]

...was wise enough to insist on being taken to a different ER this time when EMS FINALLY came for me. Sure, it was a ways down the road but that's what people get paid for. What better do they have to do? Once I got there, the service was pretty crappy: it took them forever to see me (why should a code and a car accident ruin my service), I complained out of 10/10 pain and only got some lousy percocets, and was starving and only got only little sandwich, and the stupid nurse kept yelling at me to stop walking around the ER naked and put on a gown! I have my rights! Oh, and I couldn't breathe because of the tear gas and got only 1 albuterol neb - I should have gotten admitted! At least I finally made a big enough stink to get a few hits of IV morphine, but I didn't even get a work excuse this time! I mean, really work on a regular basis but you never know, right? When I was checking out they said I was "self-pay" because my medicaid hadn't come through yet. F*cking greedy b*stards these doctors, I have a right to excellent medical care at any time for any reason and they are trying to charge me. I gave them the wrong address so the joke is on them. On my way out, I tried to do that cool thing where you back out while giving someone the finger, but then my finger got caught in the door and it hurted! So then I....

 

[EM_Rebuilder]

....kicked the door and my finger came right on out. Just a little skin nick. I decided it was time to go back to church...Churchs Chicken that is. Nothing like that spicy goodness with a little red beans. I cant wait to get me a two piece. <Whoooooo Whoo whoooooooo> D**m what was that? <whoooooooo whooo> Oh man, the train is coming thru, right by this place where I am up at. I always wanted to ride me a train. I think I can jump on. Here it goes. Shazzam, right in the box car. Wow, as I look around all I see is...

 

[loo]

...Oh my goodness! Antique cars! I'm gonna go right over to that there El Camino an set a spell since my finger's aching and it's been awhile since I had any pain meds. Door's open. I got to look at myself, cause I'm styling in this here dark purple glittering El Camino. What? Some fool left the keys in the ignition...

 

[Faze2]

..So I decide to drive it out of the train Dukes of Hazzard stlye and go for a spin. I am feeling so good about my new El Camino I decide to stop and get a fifth of Chivas Regal and some PCP to celebrate my new car. I get so high that I feel like I am driving in a video game. The next thing I know I am on the highway doing 110 on the wrong side. I am too high to remember where the brakes are so i decide the best way to stop is by driving head on into an SUV containing a father bringing his youngest daughter home from her first semester at college. The plan worked!!!!! My car stopped almost instantly. The man and his daughter were both killed instantly, but miraculously I was okay! Today must be my day!!! Serves them right for being on the road at 7:00 PM on a Sunday. I decide that I do not feel like sticking around because this is only going to ruin my high, so I run across the highway and cause two more accidents when a car swerves to avoid hitting me. Excuse me dingus, but pedestrians have the right of way. As I am walking back towards downtown, I start to come down really hard, so I figure now is a good time to........

 

[lucky_deadman]

BUMP.

I missed the thread. Now that over a year has passed, let's see where else we can take things.

 

[Drawing Dead]

..So I decide to drive it out of the train Dukes of Hazzard stlye and go for a spin. I am feeling so good about my new El Camino I decide to stop and get a fifth of Chivas Regal and some PCP to celebrate my new car. I get so high that I feel like I am driving in a video game. The next thing I know I am on the highway doing 110 on the wrong side. I am too high to remember where the brakes are so i decide the best way to stop is by driving head on into an SUV containing a father bringing his youngest daughter home from her first semester at college. The plan worked!!!!! My car stopped almost instantly. The man and his daughter were both killed instantly, but miraculously I was okay! Today must be my day!!! Serves them right for being on the road at 7:00 PM on a Sunday. I decide that I do not feel like sticking around because this is only going to ruin my high, so I run across the highway and cause two more accidents when a car swerves to avoid hitting me. Excuse me *******, but pedestrians have the right of way. As I am walking back towards downtown, I start to come down really hard, so I figure now is a good time to........

Lay down on the two yellow lines in the middle of the road like that college football movie years ago before they took that part out. Damn Republicans. So, I'm laying (lying?) there, trying to catch a cat-nap, when I'm rudely awoken by a loud screeching and feeling like my arm had just been crushed by an alligator. This nervous guy gets out of his car that had stopped next to me and asked me if I was ok. He said he didn't see me, and didn't want to get sued. Hopefully that student figured out how to page my lawyer. Then he says he was callin the ambolance, but I told him not to, that all I needed was sleep. He said he was doing it anyway, something about my arm looked bad. So, the EMS workers showed up, and take me away to the County hospital again. I said I didn't want to go there, cuz I'd be waiting forever, but they tolds me this was the best place fo me and I would be seen right away. They take me right away to this big special room with bright lights and so many people running around. Next thing I know I'm being stabbed with IVs, people are asking me so many questions, and they are turning my head. They tip me over and start feeling up and down my back. As I was lying on my side, I see another group of doctors sticking a tube down a man's throat and pushing down on his chest. They were saying summin about "MVA" from that highway I was on before. Whats that? Most Valuble ******* taking up my medical care? Then, I thought he ate some bad chicken and were trying to get it out. Just when I was about to tell them they had to press on his stomach instead, I felt a violation in my bottle hole. I knew it wasn't a bottle cuz it was smaller and moved. They shot me up and down with x-rays, tryin to give me cancer. I tolds them, "I ain't so science experiment!". They moved me back into the main ER next to the "MVA" guy. He still had the tube in, and I guess theys was still tryin to get that food out, cuz nows he was on a big machine, musta been a vaccuum. His wife came in to see him, and then stared directly at me...

 

[Dimoak]

.....like it was my fault or sumpin'! Ain't my fault mofo can't drahv! But I figured this'd be a great time to serve her with mah lawsuit just like I saw in that one movie where you gots to serve people when you gotta take 'em to court and stuff. I opened my mouf to lay it on her, but noticed I couldn't talk! That's when I found those sadistic hospital folks done hooked me up to some kinda robot that's violatin' me in my mouf! I tried ta protest but noone could hear me and they hads me strapped down to some kinda bondage table and that's when I realized this dang here hospital's tryin' ta pimp me out ta alien robots to earn back they moneys that they think I owe them! Just wait till mah lawyer gets wiff of dis.....

 

[docmartin252]

...when I come to, praise be to jeebus that my baby's momma was there. I told her that these stupid doctors don't care about me and all they want to do is kill people because I still haven't gotten my turkey sandwich. So she goes and gets me some KFC and McDonald's with some airplane bottles and brings them back to me. Since they still had me in my arm and leg bracelets attatched to the bed in case I fell off while sleeping, my baby momma had to feed me.

Next thing I know, "dat ho" walks in, and in a calm manner inquires as to why my baby momma here. I explain that she's my "bottom b***h" and can go wherever she wants, and if I didn't have these love cuffs on I would slap her. Instead, my baby momma mediated the situation by showing "dat ho" the way back to the lobby while patting her on the back and head on the way out. The doctor walks in passing my two visitors on the way and asks why I'm eating fried foods and liquor when I have DM. He says my foot trauma from earlier is getting worse and they may have to do an AKA. I tell him I appreciate his concern but decline the offer by telling him "go f*** yourself, that'll ruin my pimp walk." To which the Doctor replied...

 

[ParamedicMan]

So I guess our Shaggy Dog(g) lives in Austin:

9 patients made nearly 2,700 ER visits in Texas

• AUSTIN, Texas – Just nine people accounted for nearly 2,700 of the emergency room visits in the Austin area during the past six years at a cost of $3 million to taxpayers and others, according to a report. The patients went to hospital emergency rooms 2,678 times from 2003 through 2008, said the report from the nonprofit Integrated Care Collaboration, a group of health care providers who care for low-income and uninsured patients.

"What we're really trying to do is find out who's using our emergency rooms ... and find solutions," said Ann Kitchen, executive director of the group, which presented the report last week to the Travis County Healthcare District board.
The average emergency room visit costs $1,000. Hospitals and taxpayers paid the bill through government programs such as Medicare and Medicaid, Kitchen said.
Eight of the nine patients have drug abuse problems, seven were diagnosed with mental health issues and three were homeless. Five are women whose average age is 40, and four are men whose average age is 50, the report said, the Austin American-Statesman reported Wednesday.
"It's a pretty significant issue," said Dr. Christopher Ziebell, chief of the emergency department at University Medical Center at Brackenridge, which has the busiest ERs in the area.
Solutions include referring some frequent users to mental health programs or primary care doctors for future care, Ziebell said.
"They have a variety of complaints," he said. With mental illness, "a lot of anxiety manifests as chest pain."

 

[BlondeDocteur]

...when I come to, praise be to jeebus that my baby's momma was there. I told her that these stupid doctors don't care about me and all they want to do is kill people because I still haven't gotten my turkey sandwich. So she goes and gets me some KFC and McDonald's with some airplane bottles and brings them back to me. Since they still had me in my arm and leg bracelets attatched to the bed in case I fell off while sleeping, my baby momma had to feed me.

Next thing I know, "dat ho" walks in, and in a calm manner inquires as to why my baby momma here. I explain that she's my "bottom b***h" and can go wherever she wants, and if I didn't have these love cuffs on I would slap her. Instead, my baby momma mediated the situation by showing "dat ho" the way back to the lobby while patting her on the back and head on the way out. The doctor walks in passing my two visitors on the way and asks why I'm eating fried foods and liquor when I have DM. He says my foot trauma from earlier is getting worse and they may have to do an AKA. I tell him I appreciate his concern but decline the offer by telling him "go f*** yourself, that'll ruin my pimp walk." To which the Doctor replied...

"Excuse me, ma'am, are you all right?"
My lady started groaning like she did that night back in the red Trans Am I swiped offa the tracks behind 8th Street. I'm pretty sure that was when little Trayvazion'ique got started... or was it PreciousPrincess? Or Icy8 SpecialK SpicySauce? No, Icy's mama was that ho I met cruisin' last spring. Too many f***ing kids.

My lady said she appreciated the attention. "F*** you, you f***ing p****!" She thought she gots da gas bad. Suddenly she fell out. They had to call twelve men to lift her to the bed seeing as she put on a good hunnerd pounds per kid so far.

She started thrashing and heaving and bam! a little mucus-slicked 8 pounder shot out between her tree trunk-sized legs. I started feelin' like a real man cause you know it takes a real man to impregnate 8 women 12 times. Or was it 14? Couple of 'em came when I was in prison so I can't be too sure.

Then I remembered... I been in jail the past year. Just got out 3 weeks ago. Bitch done cheated on me!

I can't take that kind of disrespect, you know? A man's gotta be respected by his lady. That's the way things is. Gotta take that bitch OUT. But then I remembered....

 

[leviathan]

"Excuse me, ma'am, are you all right?"
My lady started groaning like she did that night back in the red Trans Am I swiped offa the tracks behind 8th Street. I'm pretty sure that was when little Trayvazion'ique got started... or was it PreciousPrincess? Or Icy8 SpecialK SpicySauce? No, Icy's mama was that ho I met cruisin' last spring. Too many f***ing kids.

My lady said she appreciated the attention. "F*** you, you f***ing p****!" She thought she gots da gas bad. Suddenly she fell out. They had to call twelve men to lift her to the bed seeing as she put on a good hunnerd pounds per kid so far.

She started thrashing and heaving and bam! a little mucus-slicked 8 pounder shot out between her tree trunk-sized legs. I started feelin' like a real man cause you know it takes a real man to impregnate 8 women 12 times. Or was it 14? Couple of 'em came when I was in prison so I can't be too sure.

Then I remembered... I been in jail the past year. Just got out 3 weeks ago. Bitch done cheated on me!

I can't take that kind of disrespect, you know? A man's gotta be respected by his lady. That's the way things is. Gotta take that bitch OUT. But then I remembered....

...that I need some money first to buy a new gat. And since they won't give me my welfare checks anymore, I gotta make some money fast. I heard suin people was easy enough, so then I decided to run in front of a car and let it hit me. I was gettin tired of the big shot doctor tellin me what to do wit my life, and then sayin somethin about 'fatty mcfattypants' to his friends when he walked away from my baby momma, I knew I would be back to seek my revenge. Lo' and behold, I peer through the sliding glass doors and I spot an ambulance backing out of the bay. I walked out the door and...

 

[Drawing Dead]

Bump...please, this was getting good.

 

[Apollyon]

...walked right up to the exhaust pipe and took a deeeeep breath. Now THAT is a high! They say it's "diesel", and I know why - dey sell it for a profit! Now, re-energized by the "breath of life", I was thinkin' what I was gonna do for the long green - maybe I could be a spy? I got skillz, man - I can cap a bro, drink Cristal (that's the good stuff - that "Perrier Jouet" is nothin'), and wave a bottle of Hypnotiq around like I'm in the best rap video (nobody drinks it, really) - I'm like James Bond and the cousin's friend's sister of the man from U.N.C.L.E. and Horatio Hornblower all rolled into one (without blowing anyone). Or maybe I could be a financial adviser - you give me money, and I'll advise you not to do that. Or maybe I could just roll somebody. Hey, there's a guy in fine threads - with a Patek on the wrist and Cole Haan on the feet. I approach him and ask him if he has $20 I can hold...

 

[FiremedicMike]

I give all the respect in the world to you ER docs, but this thread is exactly why I could never do ER medicine. I've been riding the truck too long to see the truth in every single one of these posts.

I hate dealing with these turds for 30-40 minutes, I can't imagine babysitting them for several hours.

Again, props to you guys