For those of you going through this again or dealing with Phase II now, I wanted to share my story with going through this process twice and how I'm feeling about the whole situation...
I've been feeling disillusioned and burnt out with this career in general. I'm currently finishing up internship and got a great postdoc, but I just feel so burnt out and unmotivated after everything grad school and all these applications processes put me through that I've lost my drive and energy and question whether or not I really want to do this anymore. I always knew when starting grad school that I would be research focused and on the academic path. I knew others got burnt out and changed course, but I always thought I was up for the challenge and can make it, and maybe I still can, but right now I just don't feel the passion and drive for it I used to.
It all started when I didn't match for internship the first time I applied 2 years ago. I was one of the top students in the program, had done everything right, applied broadly, and still didn't match. Everyone thought I was so awesome and were so shocked that I didn't match and it was so hard to see everyone's disappointment and fear that they would one day go through the same thing if it happened to someone like me, although everyone was very supportive of me. I worked on improving my clinical hours further as well as my interviewing skills, and did match the 2nd time. However, it was to one of my lower ranking sites, and involved me being forced to move all the way across the country far from any of my friends or family so I was taken far away from any source of social support. And the internship I got is actually a great top ranking site, and it's great training, but I just feel like I don't care anymore. I felt that after 2 years of spending so much effort, time, and money (over $10,000) applying, as well as countless hours of anxiety and depression over the whole situation, that internship has got to be this amazing life changing experience to be worth all that, right? At least it was built up in my mind that way. But although I got a great site in the end it just didn't seem worth it. I'd never had to work so hard and go through so much for any one thing in my life and it just seemed so pointless since I don't even want to be a clinician, although I enjoy doing a little bit of clinical work as part of a primarily research position. Sure getting into grad school was hard too, but that process just seemed so much more fair and reasonable so that by working hard you would get in somewhere, it just made more sense. But for internship having a good CV, being good at what you do and being hardworking and well-liked don't necessarily matter; I've realized it's all just a crap shoot in the end. I've also seen others in my program, including a close friend of mine, go through the same thing when they were also well qualified. I hate seeing the pain they've gone through as well, and questioning their own competence and future career in psychology. It's really heartbreaking to see and I hate what this field is doing to new young psychologists in breaking their spirit, even for people who are so hard working with some much potential and previously had so much passion for what they do. It kind of makes me hate this field and what it takes to be successful. I feel like networking and schmoozing and putting on an act help you more in this field than real competence, intelligence hard work and passion for what you do.
This year I also tried applying for faculty positions hoping to skip the postdoc since I've already felt so burnt out and ready to have a real job and not be so poor. My brother never even went to college but he makes 3 times my income in a manual labor job. But applying for faculty jobs didn't work out and has drained me further going through that laborious process with no offers. I do have a great postdoc and I'm sure I can be successful but I'm just so drained now from all of this and not even sure this will make me happy anymore, but not sure what else I might want to do. I hope once I get started with it some of my energy and excitement for what I do will come back, but I'm just not sure at this point. But after being in school and preparing for this career for so long it seems impossible to consider other options.
Sorry I can't be more positive, but that's how I feel right now...
Anyone else feeling this way?