(24F, US MD) Is a parents divorce a good reason to take a LOA for M2 year?

[peepdrip]

Sorry if this isn’t the right place to post, but I have no idea who to go to. I am not close enough to my med school friends to confide something that will almost definitely destroy my family.

I just found out my dad is cheating on my mom. I have text proof. My mom comes back from an international business trip in 2 weeks. I start M2 year in just over 2 weeks.

I am planning to tell her what I found out, and together we will confront my dad. My parents have been married for almost 3 decades. I have 3 younger siblings (22, 17, and 14).

I am worried this cheating coming to light will absolutely destroy my mother and my family unit as a whole. I expect a divorce. I am worried my mental health will be absolute **** going into M2 year, which at my school is the start of rotations and what older students have told me is the most mentally and physically draining year.

If all goes to **** as I expect after the confrontation, should I ask my school to take a LOA for a year?

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[candbgirl]

I’m sorry you are going through this mess. Are you sure your mom doesn’t already know about your dad? It will be a difficult time for your siblings for sure and they might need added support from you. How close is your medical school to your home? Can you visit regularly? I’m not sure making the decision for a LOA needs to be done now. See how things play out and how your family members respond. Good luck and take care of yourself.

 

[Dral]

This is up to you. One way to look at it is that you will have stressful events to deal with throughout your career and you won't always have the option of taking a year off. I had a parent pass a few years ago. It was a day off for bereavement to go to their funeral, then it was back to work the next day.

I'm not saying that's the right way. We are all different and handle stress in different ways. I might suggest to at least try to see if you can handle/balance things. If you are noticing quickly that it's not working, then I would talk to your school to see what your options are. In the end, if you are going to be largely affected by this, it makes no sense to sabotage your career this early by doing poorly on rotations. Thus, you would take the time you need to work through it.

Obviously you know you and have to decide the best approach.

 

[NotAProgDirector]

Taking an LOA will not impact your match, if that's what you're asking. You should do what you need. If you do take an LOA, it's unlikely you'd use 100% of the time over 12 months supporting your family -- so consider whether you can layer in some research, volunteer, or other experience.

 

[Redpancreas]

OP this breaks my heart to hear. I’m not on here as much but feel free to PM me if you need someone to vent or sound off to.

Also, as weird as this sounds, 20 years is a long time and while what your dad did is inexcusable and your mom should know, have you considered sitting on this for the sake of self preservation. It’s going to disrupt the entire family. I know, it sounds terrible. I’m just thinking aloud.

Have you considered telling your dad and mom together and then telling them that if possible, you’d like them to stay together if they could but if that’s not possible, to keep things together for a while until at least the young ones are off to college?

I’m fortunate to have been brought up in a two parent situation but the relationship between them was constantly strained and felt at times they stayed together for my sake. I feel like there’s a balance between parents needing to do what’s best for themselves vs. what’s best for the kids and in this case, there’s still a kid in the home who is about to just start his/her formative years and would benefit from having two parents. In a way, as idiotic as this sounds, being open about this will expose the younger ones to something that will open their eyes to the seriousness/strains of marriage and May teach them an important lesson without hopefully too much negativity/damage.

 

[TelemarketingEnigma]

OP this breaks my heart to hear. I’m not on here as much but feel free to PM me if you need someone to vent or sound off to.

Also, as weird as this sounds, 20 years is a long time and while what your dad did is inexcusable and your mom should know, have you considered sitting on this for the sake of self preservation. It’s going to disrupt the entire family. I know, it sounds terrible. I’m just thinking aloud.

Have you considered telling your dad and mom together and then telling them that if possible, you’d like them to stay together if they could but if that’s not possible, to keep things together for a while until at least the young ones are off to college?

I’m fortunate to have been brought up in a two parent situation but the relationship between them was constantly strained and felt at times they stayed together for my sake. I feel like there’s a balance between parents needing to do what’s best for themselves vs. what’s best for the kids and in this case, there’s still a kid in the home who is about to just start his/her formative years and would benefit from having two parents. In a way, as idiotic as this sounds, being open about this will expose the younger ones to something that will open their eyes to the seriousness/strains of marriage and May teach them an important lesson without hopefully too much negativity/damage.

hiding something like this from mom will probably eat OP alive and irreparably damage their future relationship with mom.

tell mom privately and support her in whatever action she feels is right for her own relationship.

OP, regardless of whether you take time off or not, i think your first priority should be making sure you have a good support system yourself for if/when things go south. For some people that may mean staying in school where they have support from friends and classmates. You may find school a welcome distraction. For others it means time off to be close to loved ones, in which case a LOA might make sense. I'm not sure you will know what is best for you until you see what direction the fallout is headed. I think I agree with others that you might want to hold off on a decision to take leave until you see how things unfold - but lean on your support system and have a low threshold for asking to take leave if you need it.

 

[Rachapkis]

I am sorry to hear that you're going through this. Sending good vibes your way. Assuming that the situation deteriorates as you expect and you still believe the situation is likely to derail your mental health and disrupt your medical education, the safest course of action is to request an LOA. Medical school is tough enough under ideal circumstances. It can become impossible if your mental health is under siege.

 

[deleted1139416]

I think that since Step 1 is pass-fail (which has made M2 much easier to handle) and since you get a lot of breaks in M2, you should try to handle this while simultaneously continuing with your studies. I say this for two reasons:

1) Programs are selfish and they look for any indication of a person not being able to “hack it” during residency. You don’t want to give them any reason to believe you won’t be able to tolerate it. In fact, if you show that you can continue with your studies while dealing with this, residency programs will LOVE seeing that on your application.

2) Moment like these build character. My grandmother was killed in a car accident 3 months ago whilst I was studying for Step 2. I took a week off and went back home to Korea for a couple weeks to visiting my family and just studied there. Came back to the states, took Step 2, and scored a 260. Now I feel like Superman who can do anything.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. I’m not telling you to “toughen up” but rather just offering a different perspective.

 

[LunaOri]

Let your school know that you have a family issue and may need to take an LOA. A whole year might be too much, especially if you spend it at home with a disintegrating family. Maybe start with a 1 month LOA, with the option to take more time off or do some research time.

 

[JuicedToTheSocks]

I would be crushed if my parents got divorced so yeah, it seems like that's the best option if you're thinking about it.