Adjusting to Long Distance

[chasmeremed]

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Hi-
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a little over a year now. We just started long distance about 3 months ago and all we have been doing is fighting. Even when we visit each other we fight. We can't seem to get through to each other and we hurt each other and don't follow through on our needs. Is this normal at first? Is there an adjustment period? I was living with him before I moved out to work on my masters in a another city. He is stressed with school and I am stressed about moving to another city. I have been reading a lot of the forums on here and they are helpful, but I was just really curious if there is an adjustment period? We went from constant contact to a significant decrease and he is not the best at keeping the long distance a float because of school and maintaining a social life. I have always felt that if you love someone you would always make time for them, but I am wondering if there is fair to put on a med student.

Thanks...

 

[beannaithe]

There is a pretty significant adjustment to long distance. It can take a few weeks or it can take months. But what you need to start doing ASAP is communicating and talking about what you need to get through to each other. If one of you is mad, you can't fight...you need to learn how to rationally sit down with each other and talk it out.

I think it's fair to put on making time on a med student. But just how much time are you asking and how much time can he give up? I'm a D2 right now and have done all 1.75 years of it so far LD. My boyfriend and I fought a bit at the beginning because we never talked about it, never set boundaries, an end date, times when we would talk, or when we'd see each other. We figured out that we should talk about an hour every night (less if one of us is busy) at a regular time and try to visit once a month. Who came to visit who was dependent on who had time and what the other person's schedule was like. If he had time, he'd come to see me and if I had a big exam the following week, he'd promise not to get mad if I studied while he was here....and I promised not to study the entire time he was here.

It's all about compromising and figuring out what you need to be happy....and he needs to know what you need to be happy. You guys have to tell each other your expectations...communication is the key in LD. Once you get that, your relationship will get a lot easier.

 

[xanthines]

Interesting question. Hopefully other will chime in with their experiences, as well.

There was definitely a period of adjustment for us. I think it was fine at first and the it slowly went into decline after a few months. Then things were pretty sour for about 6 months (almost ended us!), but then we finally got into our respective grooves. I think we also got more accustomed the lifestyle too.

I'd venture to say this is pretty uncommon, but when my SO comes to live with me next year we will have spent a total of 6 years apart! 😱

I hope things work out for you!

-X