"Alternative Medicine" Family...how to approach this in the future?

[Rady Ruck]

Howdy SDNers, I have a question about family. More specifically, family-to-be. My partner's folks are in an alternative healthcare field, and while I don't necessarily appreciate the finer points of acupunture/chiropractic/TCM, it doesn't do me any harm. My partner and I have concrete plans on getting married in the future. While this is still a couple of years away, my concerns are for the child(ren) we will have. (I already have a child from a previous marriage.)

I think my future in-laws are very set in their ways, but also very prone to believing anything that rebels against allopathic medicine. They are generally anti-vaccine, and agree on performing manipulations on newborn babies! This was done to one of their younger children immediately after birth. I have read the studies on CVA post-manipulation, vaccine/anti-vaccine literature, and the like. While I don't pretend to understand everything about either subject, I am concerned that their disdain for allopathic medicine will lead them to push their daughter into making uninformed decisions about our child(ren). You see, my partner is in traditional healthcare, but has adopted some of their practices. While I hope to guide her to read the information freely available online about the consequences of neglecting shots, I realize that there is a point where pushing can just lead to stubbornness. Complicating matters is the fact that we are both females, and not in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage (and therefore, my rights as a parent as she will be the birth mother).

So how do I go about walking that fine line, especially as a pre-med with her family? My partner and I have already talked through this numerous times, but I am looking for an outsider's perspective on how to approach the subject with her or her family in the future. This is something extremely important to me, and she knows it. Our conversations always end with "we'll just have to see" or "that depends on how we feel at the time". The last thing I need right now is more stress, but maybe just typing this out will make me feel better.

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[wholeheartedly]

I don't know. That's sounds like a tough situation. I have a handful of friends on Facebook that post all kinds of hocus pocus and it's really frustrating, so I can't imagine how that would work in a family situation. It sounds like you might be getting vague or noncommittal answers when you bring it up as well. It would be one thing if your partner shared your viewpoints and was strong enough to stand up tall if the in-laws start pushing for things outside of your beliefs. It's different though if she doesn't share the same ideas about these things as you do. People get pretty impassioned when it comes to kids.

I don't have any advice other than to keep talking through this stuff and try to figure out how you two will approach things before you make that kind of commitment.

 

[kraskadva]

I'm sorry, that is a tough road to navigate. I guess the (maybe) bright side is that it sounds like you have some time to sway opinions before it becomes a critical issue.
To that end, while Penn and Teller are certainly not medical experts in any way, I thought the video below was a nice, clear explanation of the vaccine issue and maybe it'll be useful to you in ways that reason and scientific literature are not.
Best of luck.

 

[threesparrows]

I think if these issues are so important to you, you need to discuss them before you get married and come to an agreement. Perhaps you will have to give a little in regards to alternative practices that are harmless, and stay firm on vaccinations/manipulations of newborns, or whatever your main concerns are. This seems like an issue best discussed with your partner at a time when you both are un-stressed and not surrounded by her family. Not knowing the dynamics of your relationship, not sure what other advice to give. Even if you were legally married, these matters should be decided between the two of you not by the legal system.

 

[QofQuimica]

You need to figure out whether your partner really believe in vaccines but wants to avoid conflict with her family, or whether she really doesn't believe in them but wants to avoid conflict with you. As someone else already said, if it's the latter, you will have to decide whether you are willing to compromise on vaccination if she is dead-set against it and you want it.

Personally, having a partner who was an anti-vaxer would be a deal-breaker for me, because vaccination saves far more lives every year than I'll ever manage to do in an entire career. I'd be about as aghast at my partner not wanting to vaccinate our kids as I would be at them not wanting to use a flush toilet in our home. Whereas, if my partner wanted to reiki the baby or give it homeopathic remedies to "complement" allopathic medicine, I'd roll my eyes, but whatever.

 

[Goro]

Get her a subscription to Skeptical Inquirer, and hope for the best. Her family should not be making health care decisions for your children when you have them.

Howdy SDNers, I have a question about family. More specifically, family-to-be. My partner's folks are in an alternative healthcare field, and while I don't necessarily appreciate the finer points of acupunture/chiropractic/TCM, it doesn't do me any harm. My partner and I have concrete plans on getting married in the future. While this is still a couple of years away, my concerns are for the child(ren) we will have. (I already have a child from a previous marriage.)

I think my future in-laws are very set in their ways, but also very prone to believing anything that rebels against allopathic medicine. They are generally anti-vaccine, and agree on performing manipulations on newborn babies! This was done to one of their younger children immediately after birth. I have read the studies on CVA post-manipulation, vaccine/anti-vaccine literature, and the like. While I don't pretend to understand everything about either subject, I am concerned that their disdain for allopathic medicine will lead them to push their daughter into making uninformed decisions about our child(ren). You see, my partner is in traditional healthcare, but has adopted some of their practices. While I hope to guide her to read the information freely available online about the consequences of neglecting shots, I realize that there is a point where pushing can just lead to stubbornness. Complicating matters is the fact that we are both females, and not in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage (and therefore, my rights as a parent as she will be the birth mother).

So how do I go about walking that fine line, especially as a pre-med with her family? My partner and I have already talked through this numerous times, but I am looking for an outsider's perspective on how to approach the subject with her or her family in the future. This is something extremely important to me, and she knows it. Our conversations always end with "we'll just have to see" or "that depends on how we feel at the time". The last thing I need right now is more stress, but maybe just typing this out will make me feel better.

 

[ridethecliche]

I'd be more nervous for legal maneuvers from her parents given that your state won't recognize your union and what that might mean for the kids. People can be nuts, blind belief especially.

 

[Rady Ruck]

I've thought about all of these things you guys mentioned, but Q's comment about vaccines saving more lives than her career...that really hit home. I felt those words on a deep level.

*sigh* We're good on life principles, money matters, matters of faith and spiritualism, and on the whole I really believe that we have a healthy, balanced relationship. We learn from each other constantly, and know how to give and take. We have discussed at length the sacrifices our current family is making and will continue to make on my journey to becoming a physician, and so far she has been a rock. But this stuff really scares me. If I was with somebody who wasn't great with finances, then at least there would be signs, if not a red flag before the actual marriage ceremony (yes, we've had the credit/finances show and tell too) and I could appropriate that as a household chore. We have been through occasional professional counseling as well.

Unfortunately this isn't something that will necessarily rear its ugly head (in practice, not just principle) until too late. Thanks for the insight guys and gals, and I've seen that Penn and Teller vid before. Good stuff!

 

[operaman]

I've found that most of the anti-vaxxers and other alternative health folks believe what they do not because they are convinced of the truth of it all, but because it is simply part of their overarching worldview. Part of communicating with them is figuring out what that worldview is and what's feeding it. Even before debunking the myths and misinformation, figure out why they even started reading about it in the first place. I've seen all sort of motivations: social acceptance with the crunchier crowd, reaction to a bad past experience with traditional medicine, rebellion against a parent who was a physician, past abuse by a male authority figure now turned vehement anti-paternalism, etc. Whatever the reasons, I've found it much easier to communicate and find common ground once the real issues are on the table.

 

[Lawgiver]

Its simple. If you do not trust her to do whats best for your children you have a lot to think about....