An example update email... how does this sound?

[johnwandering]

To whom it may concern,

My name is John Wandering (AAMC ID is: XXXXX) and I am an applicant to your M.D. program. I would like to update you on my activities since my application was submitted:
-I finished my summer session at XXXXXXXX (07/2010-08/2010) with an A in both FREN 102 and CHEM 135, receiving a 4.0 for the session.
-I have been working full-time as a Research Specialist in the XXXXXX in XXXX,NY.

Thank you very much for your time!
XXXXXXX is one of my top choices for medical school.
As a medical school that offers students a rich assortment of research opportunities at great facilities such as the XXXXXXX, and as a medical school that supports volunteer experiences in both the community and abroad (opportunities I hope to take advantage of), I believe that the XXXXXXXX is one of the few medical schools where I can become the kind of doctor I want to be: and experienced and research minded physician that can make a difference in the community.

I hope I can soon be offered an opportunity to meet with representatives at your university to further discuss my candidacy.

Again, thank you for your time and consideration
John Wandering

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[tabascosauce]

To whom it may concern,

My name is John Wandering (AAMC ID is: XXXXX) and I am an applicant to your M.D. program. I would like to update you on my activities since my application was submitted:
-I finished my summer session at XXXXXXXX (07/2010-08/2010) with an A in both FREN 102 and CHEM 135, receiving a 4.0 for the session.
-I have been working full-time as a Research Specialist in the XXXXXX in XXXX,NY.

Thank you very much for your time!
XXXXXXX is one of my top choices for medical school.
As a medical school that offers students a rich assortment of research opportunities at great facilities such as the XXXXXXX, and as a medical school that supports volunteer experiences in both the community and abroad (opportunities I hope to take advantage of), I believe that the XXXXXXXX is one of the few medical schools where I can become the kind of doctor I want to be: and experienced and research minded physician that can make a difference in the community.

I hope I can soon be offered an opportunity to meet with representatives at your university to further discuss my candidacy.

Again, thank you for your time and consideration
John Wandering

is this post or pre-interview?

 

[johnwandering]

Pre-interview

I was wondering if the school interest part might be too long. A few suggestions would be great.

But any thumbs up/down with a little commentary would be nice~~

 

[tabascosauce]

yes make it shorter. they were probably mentioned in your secondary. lets not turn this into another love fest

 

[johnwandering]

They were actually not mentioned in the secondaries as this school does not require secondary essays.

Should I still leave it out?

 

[Catalystik]

Besides the fact that you need to proofread it better before sending it off, I think it's fine. Are you not also involved in a volunteer activity since submitting?

 

[mtbtx]

It's kind of bland. I would cut out the driveling about how XXXX school is your top choice and add more that you've done or expand on something you've already written.

 

[Longshanks]

Talk about what you're doing as a "research specialist". Saying you're doing research tells me, or the adcom, nothing about what it is you're doing, what is your involvement, relevant interests, etc. If I were an adcom: It tells me you are someone checking off a box on your applicant checklist and nothing about your enthusiasm or why I should remember you from some other applicant I am reviewing if you just state that one sentence without giving me a description of the activity.

 

[tomh98]

I agree that it seems bland and a little bit cookie-cutter.

Shorten it if possible but do a better job of linking your experiences with what the school offers.

I don't like the following paragraph:

As a medical school that offers students a rich assortment of research opportunities at great facilities such as the XXXXXXX, and as a medical school that supports volunteer experiences in both the community and abroad (opportunities I hope to take advantage of), I believe that the XXXXXXXX is one of the few medical schools where I can become the kind of doctor I want to be: and experienced and research minded physician that can make a difference in the community.

They know people go to that school for those reasons. Give examples. And they know their facilities are good and that all applicants like them. So unless there is some reason why specific facilities uniquely suit you as an individual leave it out.

Show them you like the school for it's research opportunities and volunteer opportunities without having to say this explicitly. Don't use phrases like "hope to take advantage of," instead just say you look forward to actually doing them. Or say "I will do xyx" (and you can add "if I am admitted" if you are worried it's sounding cocky or presumptuous).

Continuing this trend, lose the "I believe" "can be" and other wishy-washy phrases. Another: "one of the few schools." Make them believe that it is THE school for you by not mentioning the existence of others.

Ok I feel like offering my take on a re-write:
(it's a rough re-write but I think it demonstrates some of my points)

Dear Dr./Dean Smith and the rest of the admissions committee,

***updates***

I hope these give you further insight into how I will succeed as a student at StateU. My experiences partaking in research XXXX will enable me to actively contribute in the research groups XXXXX. Having developed a commitment to cause XXXX, I look forward to volunteering through program(s) yyyyyyyy. StateU offers these and other opportunities matching my interests and experiences, and it is a clear top choice for my medical education. If I am admitted to your school I will become a research minded physician who will make lasting differences in my community.

I hope I can soon be offered an opportunity to meet with representatives at your university to further discuss my candidacy.

Again, thank you for your time and consideration
John Wandering
​

And yes, this will need to be tailored to each school

 

[DbDan]

<snip>

+1 good advice

 

[happyparty]

I would laugh if I received an update email like this. It is so standard and cliche that its almost insulting.

 

[S6MD]

It's just really poorly written, boring, and standard. I wouldn't send that. Like the others said, keep it short. And avoid using colons when you don't know how to use them.

 

[johnwandering]

Thanks for the honesty everyone

I've rewritten the letter and was wondering if anyone was willing to receive a PM and give general feedback on it?

 

[mtbtx]

I would challenge you to research your top schools and send a more personal and well thought email with more detail on your activities. Also, instead of "to whom it may concern", why don't you address the actual dean of admission? He's probably one of the few people that has the power to send you an auto invite anyway. I sent an update email and got interviews. Feel free to send me a pm if you wish.

 

[johnwandering]

Thanks!!

Also, I am sorry if I didn't make it clear (and I really did not), but this was NOT an email that I ever thought to send out.

It was an "example email," and I was more inquiring on the structure of the piece. I was not sure if I should just write a long piece/short piece, just paragraphs for each of the updates, list the updates and then an interest paragraph, or just the updates with a short thank you.

I have written an actual draft and would really appreciate any insight into the piece.
=)