An unforeseen problem, need serious advice only

BU Medical Sciences
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Cease all communication. All. Today.
Get a new email. Keep it private.
Get a new cell number and tell all your friends she is harassing you and not to share your number.
Tell the university you want to keep your phone number private, they may publish it for your classmates on a roster. She'll almost certainly have your school email no matter what.
Keep a log of all the attempted contact as far back as possible. You may need it later.
Continue the total cold shoulder 24/7. Do everything you can to avoid any group activity with her.
If she is impeding your education, bring all your documentation to the dean of student affairs and seek their advice.
Don't threaten legal action, don't talk to her at all. When the time comes, bring the mountain of evidence to the dean showing incessant harassing behavior with zero reciprocal contact. Make it clear that it is impeding your ability to function as a student, assuming it is.
They'll take it from there. This is evidence of mental illness. She'll get the come to Jesus talk, and if that doesn't get her attention, she'll get dismissed.
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You need to protect yourself from this unstable person. Obsessive isn't far from full on Glen Close crazy. If you can afford it, a discussion with an attorney on how to protect yourself would be useful. Perhaps one of the books on stalking would be a good investment to get you started.
 
This is why I've never dated a fellow pre-med. To any younger people reading this, I strongly suggest dating people pursuing a field different than whatever you are pursuing. It'll save you a lot of drama.
 
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Does she have a sister you can sleep with?
 
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Don't change your plans based on this woman. If she's able to keep her life together enough to get into med school, she'll be able to get over you, it just might take a little time. The changes that come with starting school will help that process along, for both of you. You have some time before school starts, so I would recommend that you sit down and talk to her about the situation. She wants to succeed in medical school as much as you do, and she won't want to jepordize that for some stupid relationship. If you act like an adult, and show that you expect her to do the same, I'm willing to bet that she'll rise to the occasion.

Remember: you aren't married, you don't have kids (I hope), and you're both young (my guess is < 25). Stupid stuff like this can seem to take on greater importance at times of big life changes. Time will give you perspective on this. The one thing that you MUST NOT DO is backslide. I don't care if she shows up at your door half naked with Olivia Wilde, both begging you for a threesome: DON'T DO IT. Call your ex a cab, invite Olivia in, and get on with your life.
 
Unless she is mentally unstable, chances are talking to her to set things straight will provide closure and help to end this fiasco. Just make it clear that it is over, and you don't think you two should maintain contact. If you are concerned about her stability meet her in a public place (library, etc.).If she harasses you during medical school (in classes, on campus, etc.), complain to the dean and see if they will discipline her. Tell her not to call you. If not, research cyberstalking/stalking laws in your jurisdiction and use them to your advantage.
 
Hey everyone, op here, and I sincerely thank you for all the advice. Here's a little update and more context:
We're not married, never have been.
We went to the same undergrad- she transferred in- so we dated a little over two years (we graduated in 2013 and broke up shortly after)
I have 2 other acceptances under my belt (3 total) but the 2 others are ranked lower and much more expensive, so I would not go there. She has no other acceptances, although she is pending at two schools. (One waitlist and no news after one interview), so unless she's gets to either of those, I'm stuck.
I have already blocked her on Facebook and other social media apps (I deleted snapchat because seeing her face have me anxiety and it's a stupid app anyway)
As for the cellphone, I called ATT today and asked about changing numbers. Luckily they said it's a pretty easy process so I'm going in later today to change it. She's also not on SDN (thank god, because I'm sure she could identify me with all these details, I guess this is my safe haven. As for physical addresses, she moved back in with her parents, and I got a job in a doctors office in the same city as our UG college, so we live 3.5 hours apart.
I don't think I'm going to take legal action now (hopefully I'll never have to), but I have started documenting everything. I'm going to ask my brother (he's a 2 yr law student) to write her a letter basically saying to not contact me kinda like @Ashley1989 suggested. Thank you for all the help and the laughs.
 
WTFRichard said:
I don't think I'm going to take legal action now (hopefully I'll never have to), but I have started documenting everything. I'm going to ask my brother (he's a 2 yr law student) to write her a letter basically saying to not contact me kinda like @Ashley1989 suggested. Thank you for all the help and the laughs.
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I really would not do this. No contact is by far the best strategy with someone like this, and contact via your brother is still contact. It just reinforces the behavior that if she does enough crazy things, you'll eventually be forced to respond. And it is the kind of thing that could easily be twisted against you.

In this thread for the most part the people telling you to have zero contact are the older adults. I cannot urge you strongly enough to listen to them.
 
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Plot Twist : OP is actually the ex girlfriend and is using SDN to predict what her ex boyfriends next move will be.

Jokes aside.....OP have you seen the documentary, Dear Zachary? It's on Netflix. Check it out. Might make you feel better. Or not.
 
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DO NOT CONTACT HER. AT ALL. THROUGH ANYONE. IN ANY WAY.

"I deleted snapchat because seeing her face have me anxiety and it's a stupid app anyway"

This to me says it's gone well past normal behavior and into harassment/mentally disturbed zone. There will be no reasoning with her, and contact will only inspire her to escalate. If you were a woman, you'd have no problems securing resources and support in the face of this behavior, but since you *aren't you have to be extremely careful. Anything you do from this point forward could be used against you to undermine your case. Continue with the clean break, but save your old phone and document the hell out of everything. If you get even a hint of a peep of a problem during the first week, make an appointment with your dean and lay it out. Whether or not to get legal with it and secure a restraining order is on you; if you do not feel safe, involve the police. Otherwise, do what your dean says.

AND DO NOT CONTACT HER.
 
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SN12357 said:
I really would not do this. No contact is by far the best strategy with someone like this, and contact via your brother is still contact. It just reinforces the behavior that if she does enough crazy things, you'll eventually be forced to respond. And it is the kind of thing that could easily be twisted against you.

In this thread for the most part the people telling you to have zero contact are the older adults. I cannot urge you strongly enough to listen to them.
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Also, someone made the very good point that if you bring up the threat of pursuing a restraining order, she could actually very well best you to the punch and file one first claiming all sorts of crazy s***.

I would not pursue any half-assed legal measures, and I would not give her any clue that you were considering legal action ahead of time. All it does is encourage her to escalate and give her time/advance warning to do so.
 
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JediOchoa said:
Plot Twist : OP is actually the ex girlfriend and is using SDN to predict what her ex boyfriends next move will be.

Jokes aside.....OP have you seen the documentary, Dear Zachary? It's on Netflix. Check it out. Might make you feel better. Or not.
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Not going to lie, that got a chuckle out of me.
And no, I've never heard of it. I have netflix, maybe I can watch it tonight after work and the gym.
 
WTFRichard said:
I deleted snapchat because seeing her face have me anxiety and it's a stupid app anyway
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I just lost all sympathy for you. How dare you say something so egregious? Get back on the horse and improve your snapchat game, everything else in life will fall into place.
 
WTFRichard said:
Not going to lie, that got a chuckle out of me.
And no, I've never heard of it. I have netflix, maybe I can watch it tonight after work and the gym.
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Only watch it if you feel like having a good cry…that's what happened to me anyway
 
JediOchoa said:
Plot Twist : OP is actually the ex girlfriend and is using SDN to predict what her ex boyfriends next move will be.

Jokes aside.....OP have you seen the documentary, Dear Zachary? It's on Netflix. Check it out. Might make you feel better. Or not.
Click to expand...

Hahaha I thought of that movie as soon as I read OPs initial post.


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V5RED said:
Bear in mind that a restraining order will have severe consequences for her later in life if not now. Even if the school did not find out about it, residency directors would, so you could be ending her medical career with a restraining order.

Also, if you are serious about getting one, do NOT warn her. Unless your state has much more stringent laws than mine, it is not to difficult to get a temporary order filed against someone if you are female, pissed, and have absolutely no evidence that he did anything at all. If you threaten her with one, it could backfire and you could be the one with a restraining order against you.

Look up Andy Attallah if you don't believe me. In a nutshell, he turned down his ex's marriage proposal, so she freaked out on him, harassed him, then got a restraining order against him by lying to a judge. His school(NYCOM) expelled him and despite being presented with absolute proof that she lied about everything, they refused to reinstate him or allow him access to their disciplinary records about him(which is illegal).
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Remind me never to let anyone I know apply to THAT school.

sweet-jesus.gif
 
WTFRichard said:
Hey Everyone,

I was accepted to my 2nd choice and rejected from my 1st choice, so I am pretty much set on where I am going next fall. Everything about the school is great (great curriculum, location, faculty, research opportunities) except for one thing- my ex-girlfriend was accepted to the same school, and fully intends on matriculating. It would be fine if the break-up was amicable, but sadly, it was (and still is) a disaster. We split about 6 months ago, and I have moved on with my life, but she can't seem to let go. She still calls me 2-3 tiomes per day and sends me 10-15 daily texts. I try to block her but she calls from unknown numbers and such. I am afraid that this will inhibit me from succeeding in medical school. What should I do? In undergrad, if I wanted to avoid someone at school, it was totally doable. Is this how it is in med school? Would our paths cross much? Again, I am set on going to this school. Any advice and/or insight is appreciated.
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First, DO NOT let anyone know you were accepted there-- oh wait everyone brags on social media. New plan.

Restraining order. Study. Doctor. Profit.

In all seriousness--this is serious. I don't know what you've conveyed to her. Have you tried being blunt, even if it sounded mean? Or are you like most people nowadays who are reluctant to firmly put your foot down and let her know that she is acting insane and needs to leave you alone? Try it if you haven't. If this does not work, positively encourage her to seek professional help (this is not rude, believe it or not) to resolve whatever whacky emotions that are running wild. Encouraging someone to seek professional help can be a shocking wake up call as well. This is opposed to you just being perceived as an a**hole who is being mean and stopped loving her. If you intimately dated her, you probably know that she had an extremely dysfunctional upbringing. Nobody is just like this for no reason. If she doesn't resolve this extreme dependency issue and where it stems from, she will not have a high quality life. She has a high chance of ending up with someone abusive, or harming herself either indirectly through maladaptive behaviors or directly.

If you feel like you're in danger though, consider investing in protection and consider legal action. Also, if you feel in danger, DO NOT contact her about anything, even to say "stay away" or "you need help". Good luck, brah.

Also, many of the men on SDN would give their left you-know-what for a girl who cared that much. :naughty::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
 
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SN12357 said:
I really would not do this. No contact is by far the best strategy with someone like this, and contact via your brother is still contact. It just reinforces the behavior that if she does enough crazy things, you'll eventually be forced to respond. And it is the kind of thing that could easily be twisted against you.

In this thread for the most part the people telling you to have zero contact are the older adults. I cannot urge you strongly enough to listen to them.
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For legal purposes (both criminal and civil), I do think he should send her a letter in writing, by Certified Mail, return receipt requested, as this could potentially be introduced into evidence later depending on the laws of your jurisdiction. Restricting the delivery to her personally (where SHE has to sign for it), would be preferable. There are a number of civil remedies and injunctions that might be available to you depending on the law of your state and if you are successful in obtaining a court order, she can be held in contempt for willful violation.

I suggest the letter having content similar to Ashley1989, but to be sent directly from you and not your brother. Don't threaten, but restate that the relationship is over and that you do not wish to have any more contact with her be it in person or by indirect means (i.e. electronic communications or snail mail). You should also specify that she is not to communicate you by phone, email, by writing, nor should she make attempts to see you. Then politely tell her of your acceptance to school X, and that it is your understanding that she will also be attending and that you hope this will not interrupt your education or hers. Then add something to the effect that you hope you can avoid the need to take additional measures such as contacting the dean or legal action, but you will explore your remedies if forced.

P.S. In my first post, I had only read the original post and not your subsequent post where you had told her that it was over and that she shouldn't communicate with you. I would not meet her as I suggested previously. She does sound obsessive and mentally unstable.
 
SN12357 said:
I really would not do this. No contact is by far the best strategy with someone like this, and contact via your brother is still contact. It just reinforces the behavior that if she does enough crazy things, you'll eventually be forced to respond. And it is the kind of thing that could easily be twisted against you.

In this thread for the most part the people telling you to have zero contact are the older adults. I cannot urge you strongly enough to listen to them.
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No contact, yes.

But ALSO to protect himself. Society tends to assume it's the woman who is the victim in "he said; she said" stalker-threat situations; so if she goes that route, the burden of proof will be on you OP to prove you're a decent person and she's a nut case. If the OP truly has been clear and unambiguous that the relationship is over and that further contact is NOT welcome, and has already tried the cold turkey no-contact approach, well... If those didn't work, he needs to be prepared for possible further crazy. The whole Andy Attallah thing is not out of the question. As to the 'wait and see'? I do think having something 'official on record' at your undergrad institution could be important if the crazy continues into medical school. Remember the 'he said / she said' bias.

Also, you say you have multiple acceptances? I understand that this school is your top choice for good reasons, and if life were fair, you wouldn't have to even consider going elsewhere just because of your crazy Ex. But life's NOT fair, and she could easily make your life He!! if she decides that's what she wants to do. (Don't count on being able to avoid her.) So leave yourself another option in case the crazies don't abate by May 15th.
 
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DokterMom said:
No contact, yes.

But ALSO to protect himself. Society tends to assume it's the woman who is the victim in "he said; she said" stalker-threat situations; so if she goes that route, the burden of proof will be on you OP to prove you're a decent person and she's a nut case. If the OP truly has been clear and unambiguous that the relationship is over and that further contact is NOT welcome, and has already tried the cold turkey no-contact approach, well... If those didn't work, he needs to be prepared for possible further crazy. The whole Andy Attallah thing is not out of the question. As to the 'wait and see'? I do think having something 'official on record' at your undergrad institution could be important if the crazy continues into medical school. Remember the 'he said / she said' bias.

Also, you say you have multiple acceptances? I understand that this school is your top choice for good reasons, and if life were fair, you wouldn't have to even consider going elsewhere just because of your crazy Ex. But life's NOT fair, and she could easily make your life He!! if she decides that's what she wants to do. (Don't count on being able to avoid her.) So leave yourself another option in case the crazies don't abate by May 15th.
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I agree with the protecting himself part (thus the need for documentation, etc) but I still would caution against some kind of legal-'ish' solution such as sending a random letter written by a not-yet-a-lawyer brother. If you're going to pursue legal measures, better to do it full-throttle and fully informed. Which means consulting an actual lawyer with experience in the field and/or the police.
 
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SN12357 said:
I agree with the protecting himself part (thus the need for documentation, etc) but I still would caution against some kind of legal-'ish' solution such as sending a random letter written by a not-yet-a-lawyer brother. If you're going to pursue legal measures, better to do it full-throttle and fully informed. Which means consulting an actual lawyer with experience in the field and/or the police.
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Fully concur. Would also add school mental health counselor to the list.

If you're embarrassed to seek help, it's OK to say so. But do go on to explain that you're worried about your professional future more than your physical safety, and that you're also worried about her and want her to get the help she seems so clearly to need.
 
WTFRichard said:
Sorry for the delay, I'll add some clarification. No, she is not fugly, she is actually one of the prettiest girls I've ever dated. Half white, half Persian. I broke up with her after she cheated on me while she was out with her friend's for her sister's 21st bday. (That was just a catalyst, it was coming to an end anyway). I've never been one to judge my looks, but people say I look like a young Tom Cruise, whatever that means. (I;m 6 ft though) Just adding context.
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lmao @ young tom cruise checking in…gotta love it. Maybe she is the Goose to your Maverick?? :thinking:
 
OP:

You need to protect yourself in this situation. This means absolutely NO CONTACT. Stalking is a serious criminal offense and you could have a serious legal mess here because a tactic often used by abusers and stalkers is to make it look like they are the victim. Because she is a woman this is going to be even easier for her to do. Make sure you have documented everything in relation to her. Every email, text message, phone call, all of it. Leave no doubt that you are the one being stalked. Even if you don't go to the police, you made need it for the school administration.

I'm so sorry you have been going through this. Please know it's not your fault. Also seriously consider seeking professional help for your own mental health. Good luck.
 
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touchpause13 said:
OP:

You need to protect yourself in this situation. This means absolutely NO CONTACT. Stalking is a serious criminal offense and you could have a serious legal mess here because a tactic often used by abusers and stalkers is to make it look like they are the victim. Because she is a woman this is going to be even easier for her to do. Make sure you have documented everything in relation to her. Every email, text message, phone call, all of it. Leave no doubt that you are the one being stalked. Even if you don't go to the police, you made need it for the school administration.

I'm so sorry you have been going through this. Please know it's not your fault. Also seriously consider seeking professional help for your own mental health. Good luck.
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This.

Letters and text messages telling her to leave you alone will just antagonize her more. Just block her number or change yours, and don't contact her at all. If she is in your class, ignore her, and if she continues to bother you, let administration sort it out. Never make direct contact with her. Any contact will just add fuel to her fire, and let her know she's getting your attention, which is all she wants.
 
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Hey Everyone, op here.

I've decided against using my brother to contact her. So far today she hasn't been able to contact me at all (I successfully changed my number yesterday and only gave it to family and a few close friends.) She is completely blocked from my facebook, so thankfully that hasn't been an issue. She never used e-mail as a way to contact me, so luckily I won't have to change that (I've had it for 5+ years). Day one of absolutely no contact feels so good. Hopefully the anxiety will go away when my phone buzzes; I guess I've been conditioned over the last 6 months. Thanks so much for the advice everyone! Let me know if I can clear anything up or add more context!
 
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WTFRichard said:
Hopefully the anxiety will go away when my phone buzzes; I guess I've been conditioned over the last 6 months.
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My heart goes out to you man. There's nothing more ridiculous or frustrating than fearing your phone, as dumb as that can feel. I hope you're able to sort things out in a safe and satisfactory manner.
 
OP:

Some background: In the course of my professional career, I have personally encountered the following:
Three women who worked in my hospital were shot and killed by stalkers. One was chased down the highway by a would-be boyfriend while she was on the phone with 911. Another was a physician several months out of residency, shot in the face by her ex-husband at the front door of her mother's house with her daughter at her side.

I personally knew a physician currently in jail for allegedly murdering his first wife. Another 2 physicians I knew recently finished jail terms for sex crimes. And let's not forget the Craigs List killer, a medical student.

So, just because someone makes it to med school doesn't mean that they can't be either victims or perpetrators of violent crimes, including stalking. Granted, females are less likely to be violent than males, but she can do violence to your career.

So, with that background in mind, I find your situation very alarming. Therefore, in light of your follow up posts, I would like to clarify my earlier advice:

1. No contact means NO CONTACT. No letter from a brother. No letter from a lawyer. NO CONTACT.
I would also consider closing down your facebook account completely. It's not that important. Eliminate all
of your online accounts. You don't want any information about you out there, as she might be able to use it to contact you, or she might use it to figure out what you're doing or where you will be.

2. I didn't advise you to change your phone number, I advised that you get a second number, and leave the first one alone. The idea is that she won't try to get your new number if she thinks she already has your old one. It's worth a few dollars a month that the second number will cost you for the peace of mind. That way, she won't try to find your new number, and meanwhile, she will be calling you, and will assume that you have been getting her nunbers. The more she calls, the more she will understand that you are ignoring that. By not following the advice to keep your old number, you are not showing her that you can ignore her. You are only going to inspire her to try harder to stalk you and track you down.

Also, by keeping the old number, you would have allowed her to leave lots of messages that would have been good evidence that you could have used later. And, if she eventually stopped leaving messages and calmed down, you would have know that as well. But since you didn't understand or follow the advice as given, you have missed both of those opportunities.

You were given good advice and for some reason ignored it.

3. You career and life are worth a few thousand more dollars and attending a lower ranked school. School rankings are not very important, and you might be able to get some scholarship money from the other schools. If this situation is as dire as it seems to be, you should accept another school, and drop this one at the last possible moment, but don't tell anyone, even your immediate family, of your plans to go elsewhere. ( your mom will tell your aunt, who will tell your cousin, etc, and eventually your ex will find out what you're doing. )

4. On the other hand, if you're not willing to take these steps to protect yourself, either the problem isn't as serious as you made it out to be, or you don't care enough to protect yourself.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
 
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Just wanted to reiterate that you should document all the communications between you two. In case you need them. Hopefully you won't.
 
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Nymphicus said:
Just wanted to reiterate that you should document all the communications between you two. In case you need them. Hopefully you won't.
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Some cell phone companies might delete call records after a relatively short period of time, so I definitely agree that you should take steps to preserve everything.
 
My answer: don't let any female keep you from going to your dream school bro. If you do that, she wins. My advice is to set her ass straight up front and be stern. That's my advice for you, however, if it was me..If I was single during med school I'd be Hittin that as a stress reliever, and keep emotions out of it. Keep her at a distance but throw her the d whenever you need it. Lol. Just what I'd do.
 
One option to avoid seeing her in class everyday for two years would be a one year deferral... just throwing it out there. It would keep you from having to throw her under the bus to the administration and also possibly keep her from dragging your name through the mud with all your classmates.
 
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Blizzard18 said:
My answer: don't let any female keep you from going to your dream school bro. If you do that, she wins. My advice is to set her ass straight up front and be stern. That's my advice for you, however, if it was me..If I was single during med school I'd be Hittin that as a stress reliever, and keep emotions out of it. Keep her at a distance but throw her the d whenever you need it. Lol. Just what I'd do.
Click to expand...

Op please don't listen to this douchebag
 
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WTFRichard said:
Hey Everyone,

I was accepted to my 2nd choice and rejected from my 1st choice, so I am pretty much set on where I am going next fall. Everything about the school is great (great curriculum, location, faculty, research opportunities) except for one thing- my ex-girlfriend was accepted to the same school, and fully intends on matriculating. It would be fine if the break-up was amicable, but sadly, it was (and still is) a disaster. We split about 6 months ago, and I have moved on with my life, but she can't seem to let go. She still calls me 2-3 tiomes per day and sends me 10-15 daily texts. I try to block her but she calls from unknown numbers and such. I am afraid that this will inhibit me from succeeding in medical school. What should I do? In undergrad, if I wanted to avoid someone at school, it was totally doable. Is this how it is in med school? Would our paths cross much? Again, I am set on going to this school. Any advice and/or insight is appreciated.
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Wow. Just finished giving my two cents in the thread where a guy had the option of matriculating to an MD school vs. staying at a place nearer to his girlfriend of 2 years to go to a DO school. Compared to that, this question seems a cakewalk. Go to school, contact someone with authority (i.e. law enforcement) if something even starts gets out of hand, and just straight up ignore this person. The only issue there'd be is if you still had some sort of feelings for this girl which it doesn't seem like you do.
 
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Ismet said:
Unfortunately, med school is like high school. Gossip, stupid rumors, etc. Honestly I think there's a chance that she could make the situation even worse than it already is by spreading rumors and gossip. I don't think that you should give up your acceptance to this school just because of this girl, but you do need to be prepared to talk to administration about it, I'd say at the first sign of trouble. Unless you're the type of person who doesn't go to class and generally avoids the school except for required things, you'll probably run into her quite a bit in the first 2 years.
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Is it bad that I sometimes actually like the drama and high school-like feeling?
 
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boo hoo.
let me guess... she's very attractive and had like a 4.0 gpa and 40 on her MCAT.

just have a mutual friend talk to her and set her straight. you are probably keeping her on a string and you might not even realize it.
 
scarletgirl777 said:
LOL sorry. I'm not really any older than my classmates but sometimes it felt like I was dealing with teenage girls (even if I was talking to a guy) so I guess that struck a nerve ;)
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Haha, it's k, I was trying to add a bit of humor, haha. In all seriousness, I hope there's minimal drama especially when it comes to patient care but a bit here and there in M1/2 doesn't hurt as it spices things up a bit.
 
Psai said:
It's funny because you're a medical student. Female medical students gossip more in one week than housewives do in a year.
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Yay stereotypes
 
Psai said:
It's funny because you're a medical student. Female medical students gossip more in one week than housewives do in a year.
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Not this one. I really don't care about who slept with whom, especially if you're intel is based on a fifth hand sighting of two people standing next to each other and wild speculation.
 
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