And then the patient said....

[LucidSplash]

I swear I need a place to deposit all the funny and/or ridiculous things my patients say.

Me: (Taking picture of groin wound)
Patient: (Demented but intermittently lucid wizened old lady) “Is that for posting on the playboy site?”
Me: (Taking her seriously) Oh no ma’am, I promise it’s just so the team knows what it looks like. It won’t go anywhere public. It’s just for in the hospital.
Her: “But I need the money! I may be old but I’ve still got it! (Exagerrated wink and shoulder shimmy)

Me:

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[Jolie South]

“Rectum...damn near killed him.”

A patient said this to me, but I can’t remember the circumstances.

 

[HighPriest]

Had a young female patient (recovering from anesthesia) ask me to tell her if her breast implants looked good. (We didn’t place them, it was an old surgery). The. She tried to show them to me repeatedly.

Didn’t happen to me, but a co-intern had a young male call her “Dr. Chocolate,” and asked her to shave his balls, because he wasn’t able.

 

[wholeheartedly]

My 94 yo grandma has had a rough year.

In ED for infected leg...

ED nurse: do you smoke?

gma: No

ED nurse: Do you do any drugs?

gma: No

ED nurse: do you drink?

Gma: No, but I'm thinkin' about starting.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Rounding as a resident. I was dressed up for clinic.

Patient: you look different.
My senior: do you notice something different about her?
Patient: I do, but I can’t say fo’ shizzle!

Verbatim... I trained in an inner city hospital, but I hadn’t heard anyone actually say “fo’ shizzle” before or since.


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[TraumaLlamaMD]

A mom in response to being asked what surgeries baby has had...

“A$$hole transplant”

Baby indeed had an ostomy.

 

[MediCane2006]

Getting consent on a breast reduction patient, I asked “and ma’am can you just confirm what surgery we are doing for you today?”

Before the patient could answer her husband chimed in, “titty titty chop chop!”

....which has replaced “biggie smalls” as my favorite slang for reductions....

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

Before the patient could answer her husband chimed in, “titty titty chop chop!”

Is that like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?


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