Anybody out there with husband a software engineer

Discussion in 'Spouses and Partners' started by kamya, Mar 13, 2002.

  1. kamya

    kamya Member
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    Hi
    This message is for the female physicians either in med schools or in residency. Well I was just curious --- I was talking to one of my fellow doctors who is unmarried and asked him what kind of girl he would like to marry. In addition to several other qualities. he also mentioned that she should be a physician as well because that way they will be able to communicate more if in the same profession. I thought about it and realized that it is true. My husband as a softwarte engineer says that he has nothing to tell me about at the end of the day because it is mostly the software related stuff which I won't be able to undersatnd. I have also seen him talking a lot to his friends ( more than me)about the jobs or recent layoffs or the programming etc. I was just wondering is this only me or there is something else lacking here that we have so little conversation even when we go out for dinner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="frown.gif" />
     
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  2. Henna

    Moderator Emeritus 10+ Year Member

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    Are dentists allowed in here ?? Hopefully your answer is yes..( Iam not gonna wait for that thou ) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />

    Your post just made me laugh......
    You are not alone...
    The last sentence of your post just cracked me up .. That happens to us too ,it became so uncomfortable that we decided not to go out for dinner without friends...LOL.. <img border="0" alt="[Laughy]" title="" src="graemlins/laughy.gif" /> ( reminds me of an episode on Everybody loves raymond)
    My hubby tells me about the work, lay offs etc..but Iam not really into it... I dont think I'll miss it if he didnt tell me all that.
    At this point Iam looking forward to making more friends with whom I can discuss about my professional interests. Ahhhhh I miss that...

    So its not just you ....
     
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  3. kamya

    kamya Member
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    Hi Perplexed
    Good to hear from you. I am a little relieved but I am waiting for lot of other replies. Do many couples with differet professions find it difficult to carry on their conversation
     
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  4. kamya

    kamya Member
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    I am sorry that I mentioned this post is only for female physicians.

    Anybody- male or female -with SO in different professions are welcome
     
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  5. Wifty

    Wifty Eccentrically Silly
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    Well, I am not a female physician, but thought I would put in my two cents.

    Hubby is going to start med school and has been very involved in computers up til now. He knows alot and I just can't keep up. However, since it is something that interests him, I listen....and I have learned quite a bit myself so that now I can join in even better.

    I have also learned about baseball and he has learned about things that interest me...including taking a psych class together.

    I plan on reading his texts during med school. Although I won't memorize everything like he has to, I should have enough of an understanding to hold a conversation with him.
    To us, communicating about your day, work, life is important. The nice thing about having a smart spouse is that they are capable of learning enough on any subject to carry on a conversation or at least understand and commiserate with you. :)

    Besides, there is so much more in the world to talk about then just job stuff! Hubby and I are truely interested in what the other thinks about certain things - a news story, moral dilemma, movie, art, gossip, book read (oh, and we try to read some of the same books so that we can talk about our reactions together). The list goes on.

    Anyways, I know that I am not your target audience for the question....but I am at least half of the question since communication takes more then one.

    With smiles,
    Wifty
     
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  6. Starflyr

    Starflyr Manic Faerie
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    Well, my fiance is a hardware engineer (may be expanding to Systems, may go to software, he has skills in all 3 areas) - and I tried to head off the problem - I majored in computer science in college so that I could talk to him more - I also started trying to take up some of his hobbies (D&D, for example). I realize that most people didnt have the opportunity to do what i did, and we still sometimes have issues even now - we're finding a balance between not talking about our respective days at all and talking about them in too much excruciating detail -

    For example, When asked "How was your day? What did you do?"

    I might say: Well, I saw a baby with a cold today - the baby was very cute. I also had PBL and my presentation on antibiotics I think was helpful."

    instead of..adding details like, the baby had RSV or in PBL, we had this case and this was x and that was y and in this obscure paper published in 1892, it says..." etc.

    He might say: I worked on the new board for the phone today, and they want me to put more parts on it than before but make the board smaller! I dont want to be blamed for not being able to do the impossible!"

    instead of..."The dextophonic transformer icon chip that they want me to add to the interdimensional ion transporter in the zeta-alpha quadrant level 8 of the sixteen layer transwarp board coil..."

    I think it just takes a lot of work. And now we can talk about programming and D&D and he learned about my religious views and even about some medicine stuff, so its working out. Its not easy, though. Good luck kamya

    Star
     
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  7. Wifty

    Wifty Eccentrically Silly
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    Star,

    The computer stuff and the D&D seems to go hand in hand. LOL
    I also learned a bit about D&D and have played a few games cuz hubby was seriously an addict (yeah...hes a nerd but hes wonderful!). We had a good time doing it together...though I could never be as serious as he was. :)

    You certainly tried to learn alot about his field!! That is impressive! I agree, not everyone has the time to do that...but its still nice. :)

    Actually, I am glad that hubby is going into medicine because it is more interesting to me then computers. I am much more likely to want to know (and have read) the obscure paper, or if the baby was RSV and how bad it was and what had been tried, etc.

    Its still difficult at times and comes less easy to some couples. I think its just a matter of practice and error....finding the right level of communication that makes everyone happy....like Goldilocks trying the porridges. :)

    With smiles,
    Rebecca
     
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  8. TweetiePie

    TweetiePie Senior Member
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    whats up with docs and computer people? i'm entering medschool this year and my fiance is a network engineer. i think that having a so in a different field is more fun than getting stuck in medicine day and night. thats why u have a family and a job. i want my family to be a getaway from work. i dont think one has to be a doctor to be understanding. i am grateful to my fiance for being a healthy distraction during my premed times, for giving my life that balance, and for his support in my decision to go into medicine. :)
     
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  9. Nanon

    Nanon An urban myth.
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    Pre-med, but I work in public health. My husbands latest title (I have to ask him all the time what he actually does) is "Computer Security Analyst, Computer Systems Engineer Two." Whatever that means.

    He tells me he's the duct-tape of the computer world. That is all the information I need about his job.

    It's always been this way. We've been married for eight years, and when we met, I was a (very unhappy) computer programmer. I think this adds to my complete indifference to what he does ten hours a day. As long as I can reach him by phone, I don't really care.

    How on earth can we be happy this way? We talk about politics, books, our plans for the future, finances, our next vacation. Anything but work. And given the amount that we tend to jabber at each other, it seems to be working. Never an uncomfortable silence around here!

    Personally, I don't think I could be married to another doc. I like the fact that what I do and will be doing is all my own. No competition, no arguments about the best treatment, added bonus that at least one of us will have a regular schedule, and the other a regular paycheck. I think this arrangement we have is fantastic!

    Nanon
     
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  10. Voxel

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    Has anyone heard of outside interests? I personaly am tired at the end of the day to talk about the doctoring that went on that day. It's exactly the opposite of what I want to do. I want to leave it all at the door when I leave (although sometimes much harder said than done or not possible).

    You should learn to discuss things BESIDES YOUR CAREERS. In age when everyone is so focused on their jobs, some people cannot have a life/identity outside of their job and cannot stop talking about it even when they are done for the day. This is very sad. Enjoy your family and life outside of your hermit shell of a job.
     
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  11. squeek

    squeek Senior Member
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    I'm a medical student, and my husband is a graduate student in theology. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be married to anyone in the medical profession. I spend hours and hours each day in medicalese, medical hierarchy, and medical egos, and it's so nice to come home to someone with a different take on life.

    We've been married for three years, and we talk all the time.I'm his "best friend" and vice versa, as silly as that may sound. To be honest, our conversations are richer because of the difference in our professions. He asks me what I learn about, I ask him what he learns about...and we tell each other, in language the other can understand. I know MUCH more about Rahner and Kierkegaard and Schillebex etc than I ever would if he wasn't around, and he knows a lot more about biochemistry and pathophysiology than most theology students. Talk about integration of the humanities and the sciences! :)

    But we don't talk only about worklife--we talk all the time about our future, our plans, our hobbies (he loves to read and write, I love to read and paint--lots to talk about there, too). It makes us feel that, even though we're pursuing differing professions, we're working together for OUR life and what WE want together. It's a common ground, I guess.

    I wish you the best!
     
  12. bluefish

    bluefish Junior Member
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    The rules of the game.

    If you are a med student or doctor who always talks about medicine (trust me it isn't nearly as interesting or challenging as you think it is), then you might as well be with another doctor. We've all had these experiences. We go out with a bunch of other med students or doctors and all they can talk about is medicine. In these situations, I just try my hardest to change the topic. And with some people it just can't be done (which drives every nondoctor crazy).

    And then there are the other type. While sometimes it helps to understand what they are saying medically, an overwheling knowledge of all the junk medical people memorize isn't necessary. Note I try to avoid hanging out with stupid people so they have no trouble understanding anything. They don't let their jobs dominate their life or what they talk about. These people are better served without doctors since that commonality might make them drift into the first group. And from my point of view, the first type is to be avoided at all costs. In fact as we were choosing residency programs, this became an important factor (If you go to Rochester or UMaryland, I am sorry).

    In the end, I would say most of the interesting things that happen are very uninvolved with medicine. Sorry but taking care of crack addicts, diabetics who don't take their meds, or people who drag their kids into the ER for a low grade fever, just isn't interesting. Personal relations (valid in any profession), ethics, politics, humor, kids, watching a puppy chase pigeons or whatever will always win the day (over stupid diabetics). Doctors just take themselves way too seriously
     
  13. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    you know what I think is ridiculous, is someone who plans on reading some medical text JUST to be able to have some conversation w/their spouse. WTF? If you're interested in it, read it for interest or go into the medical field yourself...otherwise, please go and get your own life. I love how some wives like to live vicariously through their husbands. Oh, and if you have a problem w/docs talking about medicine, then don't hang out w/them. If you're w/a doc who talks about anything but medicine, good for you...if a person is so interested in their career that they like to talk about it w/others I think that's great...if you non-medical people have a problem w/it, then get your own life and surround yourself w/your own friends and talk about something you'll be able to contribute... :rolleyes:

    back to studying :p
     
  14. bluefish

    bluefish Junior Member
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    The biggest problem with doctors (and there are tones of it in the previous post).

    Doctors think they are so damn smart. Most of my nonmedical friends could intellectually kick the ass of the people I know from medical school. More often than being intelligent, people who go to medical school are just competitive and unidimensional (why they can only talk about one thing). They spent their undergrad careers polishing their resumes, arguing with profs over two points that they didn't deserve, and stealing tests from test banks so other people couldn't use them. At my school, this accounted for over half of the premeds (and they generally went to one med school that suprisingly (yeah right) has the same atmosphere but is a top 10 school). The other half could generally be ok and will probably be vastly superior caregivers.

    As it is their life, doctors can do what they want. To say that significant others aren't unwillingly dragged into this is stupid. AOA dinner, match day festivities, yearly banquets, wedding invitations from med school people, etc , etc, etc. Fine some people live through their spouses (this is their choice and fine as long as they are happy). But I'll still claim that doctors take themselves far too seriously (they have been since undergrad and therefore it is a continuation of a behavior as opposed to a professional necessity). Well, my wife and I will just continue hanging out with an mix of both (and doctors who aren't thinking about Harrison's on Friday nights).
     
  15. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    those are some broad generalizations you just made there. Don't forget there are some of us who are kids of doctors and are also dragged into to unintentionally...

    Anyways, I think you're missing the key thing...doctors aren't people I would consider extremely smart, more like smart people who work damn hard. I have friends who are getting their PhD's (new thoughts), which is tougher I think, and I have some friends who are just geniuses working as investment bankers and are in law schools. You're right, these people are truly intelligent. Doctors, on the other hand, may or may not be as smart, but there's no way in hell someone could have become a doctor w/out working hard somewhere down the line. I think when a career demands you dedicate so much of your time and energy, you better be damn interested, otherwise you sure are gonna get a rude awakening :D I'm sure most doctors wouldn't care that some nonmedical people could "intellectually kick their asses"...

    Oh, and of course spouses are "dragged" into it, that doesn't mean they can't have their own life...c'mon...reading a medical textbook to have some conversation w/your husband? PUHHLEEEZE! :rolleyes:

    Ok, now really back to studying <img border="0" alt="[Laughy]" title="" src="graemlins/laughy.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />
     
  16. Voxel

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    Bluefish. I guess you could all intellectually kick our butts (doctors). That's biggest bunch of bs I've ever heard. Please don't generalize. I work much harder than most of the PhD students around here who "claim" to be so much smarter than the med students. Even if you or your friends know some small corner of the universe better than anyone else you are not intellectually superior.
     
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  17. Evil J

    Evil J Member
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    I am on the other side of the court. I am a 29 yr-old pre med student and also an avid computer user. I have been in the Network Admin, Web design, Drafting/ design, and computer hardware field for many years. My wife, on the other hand, is a Realtor. We have very little in common when it comes to most of our daily issues on our careers, but many when it comes to our daughter and how the hell we are going to pay for my education. I talk A LOT, about computer stuff (I built a network in our home) and constantly get frustrated when she stares at the TV while I am explaining the latest install on her laptop. She gets mad when I change operating systems on her, but I can?t help it, I am a techie and constantly try out the latest stuff. We do communicate constantly on all of her issues with the new software that I have installed, thus giving me a chance to talk about computers.
    Now that I am diving into the medical profession, I am constantly talking about my days at the hospital as a volunteer and all the latest medical wonders that I find so interesting; yet, she just looks at me like, ?what the hell are you talking about.? I do give her credit for at least looking in my direction though.
    She likes to discuss her latest real-estate deals, and I try to listen without looking disinterested.
    We have learned to just listen to each other without actually taking any information in when it comes to careers. There are so many other topics that we like to share interest in: life, religion, politics, sports, you name it, we just like to talk. It is funny how it seems like you are pretty much alone most of the time, with your thoughts on your career. I think that it is like that for a lot of people, especially those with different careers, goals, and beliefs, but I also feel that it is a great foundation for an interesting & challenging marriage. I have only been married for 8 years, but in those 8 years, I have gone from, retail clerk, to CAD Operations Manager/ Engineer, Then to father, then Web designer, Network administrator, Nutrition specialist, then to unemployment, volunteer Clinical Dietitian, and finally to pre med student. As you can see, my wife has a hard enough time keeping up with my careers, let alone my conversations?
     
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  18. Wifty

    Wifty Eccentrically Silly
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    </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by simseema17:
    <strong>Oh, and of course spouses are "dragged" into it, that doesn't mean they can't have their own life...c'mon...reading a medical textbook to have some conversation w/your husband? PUHHLEEEZE! :rolleyes:
    </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I wrote a long reply to this, and the computer ate it. Perhaps it is just as well since I resemble the comment and the implications make me sad that people think like this.

    Yes, I actually did say that I would read my hubbies texts. Why? Because they are very interesting and it will give me a basic understanding of his passion and his life. It is no different then learning a bit about any other hobby/interest that your spouse is interested in.

    However, this does not mean that a spouse who learns and is interested in communicating about the others passion/life, is living thru them. That is ridiculous.
    Granted, if the spouse had nothing else that they did but learned and talked about medicine....then they need to expand themselves. However, simply reading to learn and/or share, does not denote any other problem other then an interest in life, learning, and the fun of communicating with your best friend.

    Hubby and I just got back from an extended camping trip. Although we took books/games/distractions....all we did was talk. Not even the radio on the 7 hour car trip each way was turned on because of us talking. We shared his interests, mine, mutual interests, and things we wanted to explore. I doubt any person who is not involved in their spouses interests could have had such a remarkable time sharing with each other.

    A persons passions in life are part of what makes that person unique and special. If you love a person, you love the passions and are interested in them to a degree. This does not mean that you don't have friends that share the same level of intensity about a passion....but to be able to share with your best friend is one of the best gifts in life.

    Spouses that share do not live through each other, they live MORE because of each other.

    Anyways, hubby is taking a couple psych classes this coming quarter (his last) because I have returned to school to become a school psychologist and so psych is very much my passion. He wanted to have a better understanding and background in MY passion and we love getting to learn more about each other because of truly being interested in everything that is part of the other person.

    I have no interest in being a doctor though I definitely have the brains....I simply have an interest in learning and life and am grateful to the brains I have that not only make my life more interesting, but make it possible to have a more complete relationship.

    Take care.....
    Wifty
     
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  19. vixen

    vixen I like members
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    Wifty,
    I see what you're saying and respect your opinion. I just have a different opinion. :)
     

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