Anyone considering *not* having kids?

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unfrozencaveman

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I'm personally pretty undecided on this, and am so far from it being a realistic option to even be considered seriously-- but I was wondering if people were just not really thinking about fitting kids into their plan.

I actually got into this discussion with my best friend (a guy) the other day, and basically floated the idea that maybe this wouldnt be on my list of priorities, and was pretty shocked at his reaction to someone considering not having kids. He basically asked me what the point of my life would be...
 
I have four kids already but just had a conversation with my husband about this. He felt that he would have been alright with not having children but obviously now enjoys our life. I was the one who wanted kids. You just have to go with how you feel and be sure the person you are with is in sync with that. Life is just as sweet in a good relationship with no kids and none of the stresses that come with family.
 
I want one in theory. Even though I enjoy other people's kids, seeing babies gives me zero maternal urge myself. My clock should be ticking by now but it isn't - so maybe I'll end up never having one. The idea of being pregnant, giving birth, and lactating kinda grosses me out actually.
 
me! i'm approaching 30, heading to medical school in the fall and just don't feel a strong desire to work kids in. i might change my mind in a few years, but right now, i feel okay with the idea of never having kids. the world doesn't need more people, so i don't see why anyone has grounds to give me a guilt trip for not having kids. right now, i think i could be pretty content with my cats and a dog in the future.
 
I initially didn't want kids.

I chose my partners based on this decision. They didn't have to be particularly responsible or stable.

I realized halfway through my brief marriage that although my partner *did* want children and had always hoped I'd change my mind about children... I didn't want to have children with *him*. He's not a very stable individual and just not the fatherly type.

My advice is, always get with someone who would be a good parent - even if you don't think you want children.
 
I didn't want children when I was younger, and definitely not during my first marriage. But when I found the "right guy" and settled into a very happy second married life, that changed.

Life's funny this way - you keep changing your priorities, your ideals, your goals, and yourself. Don't worry about it. If you end up wanting them, great. If not, that's great too.
 
I remember being in college and not wanting to have kids. I read up on books about women not wanting children and debated with friends that children aren't for everyone and it's perfectly okay not to have any. I think I was influenced by my boyfriend then, and maybe it was all part of being a teenager. Now that I'm married I really want children with my husband. He's just so great with kids I can picture him being a great dad. But, I still think not wanting to have children is perfectly fine.

I spoke to another non-trad premed about this. His wife is finishing up on her residency and he's applying to MS this year. They're both in their 30's and are considering adoption instead of trying "beat the biological clock." That could be something for you to think about too.
 
I didn't think about kids until just recently when I began to have maternal urges...now, I am carefully planning the day when I may have kids. I need to find a boyfriend first, but then I hope to have kids by the time I graduate. It'll be tough with residency but that's what family is for! 🙂

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having kids, I think our society has evolved to the point having biological children is no longer a must. There are so many options if one does decide to have kids in the future that saying 'yes' or 'no' doesn't close any doors. And with the demanding career of medicine, I can't imagine having kids at this time.
 
Interesting. I think the older I get, the less interest I seem to have. But, I still think there is a pretty strange stigma around people who don't want kids I never noticed before until now (I mean, who cares, but it's still interesting). As if this world would be improved by a mini-unfrozencaveman running around it?
 
There is totally a stigma attached to not wanting kids. People look at you like you have an extra head when you say it.

I'm ambivalent. I think that if I were elsewhere in my career and personal life, I probably would have them, if only because I'm a little concerned that I'll regret it if I don't (yes, I am aware that this is a sucky reason to spawn).

However, I am in an interesting Catch-22. Starting med school next year, I'm going to be a busy beaver. I just can't see meeting someone, falling in love, and deciding to have children by the time 4th year rolls around. I really don't think I'm going to want to have kids during residency. And I'm even less certain about having them afterwards... my eggs and I will be ancient! And yet, if I stay with my current boyfriend, who is wonderful in many ways, having kids is completely off the table. He is older than I am and has already had a family that's up and out of the nest.

Basically I've come to the conclusion that if having kids was really important to me I wouldn't have gotten myself into this pickle. I would feel much better about it if I could have some nieces and nephews but my sisters seem to be as un-procreatively inclined as I am.

So, anyway, long story short, you're not alone. 😀
 
UFC, around here, there are people that look at my wife and I like we're aliens when we say we are 29 and 30, been married for 3 years, and don't have kids.

The norm here is to marry someone by no later than 23 or 24..and start having kids...I just don't get it.

Of course, at 26, I got married and started chemo within 2 weeks, so having a kid wasn't a high priority, then my wife was in school for the next 2 years...and now I'm trying to do the school thing. I might want them at some point, but I will not determine my life a failure if I choose not to have kids...

Believe me, there are PLENTY of people that think just like your friend.
 
Shakepeare's first sonnet deals directly with this topic. He advocates having children as, 'His tender heir might bear his memory'. It is, in a manner of speaking, a way to preserve a living specimen that paystribute to your youthful beauty into old age. I'm sure this would be appreciated in old age. If you don't you may not be upset but if you do it is hardly likely you will regret it. The odds of being happier, then, with respect to this particular decision taken in isolation clearly favour having children.


Note: I do not have kids and am a little younger than most on this board. i.e. I have no idea what I am talkign about.

Sonnet I
1. From fairest creatures we desire increase,
2. That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
3. But as the riper should by time decease,
4. His tender heir might bear his memory:
5. But thou contracted to thine own bright eyes,
6. Feed'st thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel,
7. Making a famine where abundance lies,
8. Thy self thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel:
9. Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament,
10. And only herald to the gaudy spring,
11. Within thine own bud buriest thy content,
12. And, tender churl, mak'st waste in niggarding:
13. Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
14. To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee
 
I'm conflicted. I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything, but honestly there is a part of me that wishes I were still single, or married to someone who didn't want kids. If you're still trying to decide, ask yourself how much you value your personal freedom. I think it's hard for singles to comprehend just how much freedom you lose when you get married and especially when you have kids. It's probably not as bad if you live close to extended family or you can afford a nanny. And don't get me wrong -- many of my most rewarding experiences have come from being a dad. Like so many things in life, it's all about trade-offs. I just try not to think too much about what might have been...
 
Classof2010 said:
I'm conflicted. I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything, but honestly there is a part of me that wishes I were still single, or married to someone who didn't want kids. If you're still trying to decide, ask yourself how much you value your personal freedom. I think it's hard for singles to comprehend just how much freedom you lose when you get married and especially when you have kids. It's probably not as bad if you live close to extended family or you can afford a nanny. And don't get me wrong -- many of my most rewarding experiences have come from being a dad. Like so many things in life, it's all about trade-offs. I just try not to think too much about what might have been...
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I'm pretty much the same as you except I'm on the female side of the equation.... I have two children, a 2 1/2 year old and a 6 month old and know life would be MUCH easier for me in the next 8-12 years if I didn't have children. When I first got pregnant with my daughter (2 1/2 year old) I thought I had to give up going to med school. Now I'm doing it anyway. I think its perfectly acceptable to put off having children or not having them at all. If nothing else, there are plenty of parents out there that would LOVE to get help from someone that wants to have an impact on a child's life but doesn't want to have the responsibility of having one of their own. I sure wouldn't mind loaning mine out for a while 🙂 disclaimer.... I love my children and can't say I regret having them - how can a person regret a life that is sitting right in front of them - its not a choice one can undue, and it created something so wonderful, but to those who haven't had children yet, it is a decision to make very seriously, not just because you feel it is expected of you or because you feel a biological clock ticking.
 
I never had any desire to have a baby, and still don't. But eventually I realized that didn't mean I didn't want to be a mom. A year ago I adopted a 9 year old, who is the light of my life.
 
Everything is a trade off. I have gone without so my children could have. My time is not my own, I have no place for MY stuff that it won't be pawed through. I have little privacy - let's face it, when kids are young you can't even go to the bathroom alone. There are days I would give every penny I own for 5 minutes of peace and quiet, and days where I keep salesmen on the phone just to talk to an adult. I have had few hot meals since my kids were born. I eat last, I go to bed last, I get up first. My needs come last in the house. My daughter is starting to hit puberty and quite frankly I'm scared.

But on the other hand my children enrich my life like nothing else. The sticky hands, gooey kisses, hurried hugs, sparkling eyes, the ugly lump of clay ("It's a pinch pot, mom!") you get every year. The joy of understanding in their eyes when they "get it". The laughter over their first caught fish. The agony over the first bike wreck. The anticipation of their footsteps on the front porch after school, "I GOT AN A" "I'M HUNGRY" "MOM GUESS WHAT" "HEY I WAS TALKING" and everything else all in one breath. The feeling of a small soft warm hand slip into mine during a walk. Relearning the innocence of catching snowflakes on your tongue, snowball fights, and making snowmen.

The joys, the heartaches, the lack of privacy, the lack of time, the extra work around the house. It's all a trade. It's not for everyone. Being a parent is, bar none, the toughest most underpaid, underappreciated, and undervalued job EVER. It's also one of the most rewarding, but you don't get your report card until your children grow up.

Those of you who complain about the looks you get from people when you say you don't want children - try the look of disdain when you tell people you're an at-home mom. In many adult eyes you immediately become very non-important, uninteresting, and boring. You are considered to be second-class and without ambition. I chose to stay at home and work part-time (during hours my husband was home) while my children were pre-school age. I choose to stay home during my 'glide year' between the BS degree and med school. I say again, being a parent is the hardest job EVER. Don't let anyone make you feel badly because you don't want children - it's not for everyone. But, if you change your mind, it is pretty damn wonderful.
 
Tribeca said:
Now that I'm married I really want children with my husband. He's just so great with kids I can picture him being a great dad. But, I still think not wanting to have children is perfectly fine.
QUOTE]

I second this. I myself don't want kids b/c I don't have that maternal urge, but with the right guy/husband, I think kids makes the relationship whole.
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ShyRem said:
Those of you who complain about the looks you get from people when you say you don't want children - try the look of disdain when you tell people you're an at-home mom. In many adult eyes you immediately become very non-important, uninteresting, and boring. You are considered to be second-class and without ambition.
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Heh. And if you're a working mom with kids, you're doing a bad job at raising your kids, right? Comforting to know no one has it right.

It's not so much a "should I" or "shouldn't I" debate so much as a "will it" or "won't it" happen. Kids, and marriage for that matter seem like a HUGE luxury-- you're very very lucky if you get it, and get it right. But people kind of take both for granted I think, and beat themselves up over a "failure" to not get the job done.
 
Hey, I am twenty some years down the road because I took time to be at home with four children. I would not change anything I have done but I am now 42 and starting medical school. There is always a sacrifice of some sort when you choose a path. Looking at parenthood with "kids" soon to be four teenagers (19-13) you do the best you can, feel responsible for every failure, and enjoy watching every success. My first one is at Northwestern and it is hard when they leave. There is no right answer. I followed my husband's career through four states and twelve moves . It is not that I stood around cooking cookies and smiling but it wasn't till now that I am ready to pursue what I want. That is because being a parent means putting your own desires behind what your family needs. Fitting a birth in between medical education is addressed at mommd. It is doable. Just realize that having a child is a lifetime commitment that entails more than just finding time to deliver a baby. One of my children required a year of homebound school do to an illness and guess who was the teacher? Don't let family or opinion -like you will regret it if you don't do it make your decision. Like being a doctor do it for the right reasons knowing as much about it as you can not bacause it is expected.
 
I've decided I'm having kids but not until I'm atleast into my residency. That'll be about ten years away. I figure I'll be mature enough then and in a better position. Kids will put a major speed bump in my dream. I'm happy for those who have kids and make it through the process.
 
Gatewayhoward said:
I've decided I'm having kids but not until I'm atleast into my residency. That'll be about ten years away. I figure I'll be mature enough then and in a better position. Kids will put a major speed bump in my dream. I'm happy for those who have kids and make it through the process.
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I wish I had that option - if I even just waited for med school to be over, I'd be 43 when I have kids. I think this is pretty much why so many women have kids in med school.
 
unfrozencaveman said:
I'm personally pretty undecided on this, and am so far from it being a realistic option to even be considered seriously-- but I was wondering if people were just not really thinking about fitting kids into their plan.

I actually got into this discussion with my best friend (a guy) the other day, and basically floated the idea that maybe this wouldnt be on my list of priorities, and was pretty shocked at his reaction to someone considering not having kids. He basically asked me what the point of my life would be...
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I told my mom that I would never have kids when I was 15. At the time, she told me that I would change my mind when I got older. Mom gets it right about 99% of the time, but not about this. I'll soon be turning 31, and I still don't want kids. There's not a doubt in my mind about this after nearly 16 years. I have vacillated on many things in my life, but never on the issue of whether I'd have kids. Frankly, I don't particularly even want to get re-married. More power and much respect to those of you who are on your second marriages (or more!), but I've come to realize that I'm probably not cut out for marriage, either.

So what is the purpose of a childless life? Well, the purpose of your life is whatever you choose to make of it, regardless of whether or not you have kids. We are all very fortunate to be living here and now, where we have such options open to us. If I had lived even 100 years ago, I would have had little other choice but to be married and have kids. If I lived in certain parts of the world even now, I would have that same lack of choice. But luckily, I live in the US in 2006, and I am free to choose what to do with my life. All of us are. I think that the only "wrong" decision regarding whether to have children is to have them when you really don't want them. An unwanted child is something that we can all agree is a real travesty.

P.S. A beautiful and moving post, ShyRem. 👍
 
I will be starting med school at age 30 (I'm now 28 and just getting ready to start a post-bac program), and won't be starting residency then until about 35. I've always thought I did want to have kids. I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but if I do find the right partner in my life at some point, I will seriously consider it. On the other hand, I know that being a doctor is a huge life choice as a career, it will be very fulfilling, and I think I could be perfectly happy without kids also. My sister just had a child 6 months ago and from observation, as other people have said in this thread, it is a huge commitment and responsibility. I think in the medical community people will respect you either way.
 
unfrozencaveman said:
I'm personally pretty undecided on this, and am so far from it being a realistic option to even be considered seriously-- but I was wondering if people were just not really thinking about fitting kids into their plan.

I actually got into this discussion with my best friend (a guy) the other day, and basically floated the idea that maybe this wouldnt be on my list of priorities, and was pretty shocked at his reaction to someone considering not having kids. He basically asked me what the point of my life would be...
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My wife and I recently had our first child. For a LONG time, we were undecided about whether we wanted kids or not, but what convinced us to start a family was that everbody that we knew that did not have kids (and was too old to have them) regretted their decision, and that of everybody we knew that had had kids, no one regretted their decision.

We obviously spent lots of time thinking/talking about the effects that starting a family would have on our life, and how we wanted our family to affect our life, as well.

Jota
 
unfrozencaveman said:
I'm personally pretty undecided on this, and am so far from it being a realistic option to even be considered seriously-- but I was wondering if people were just not really thinking about fitting kids into their plan.

I actually got into this discussion with my best friend (a guy) the other day, and basically floated the idea that maybe this wouldnt be on my list of priorities, and was pretty shocked at his reaction to someone considering not having kids. He basically asked me what the point of my life would be...
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Hi there,
I never wanted to have children and loved my multiple careers (journalist, news producer, scientist, surgeon). My brother had four sons and I had the greatest time hanging out with my nephews but I never felt the least bit interested in parenting them.

I always knew that I wanted to be a scientist and travel the world. I have plotted my career as such and I have totally enjoyed myself. Children were never a part of my thinking. I have a great fiance (who has a daughter) but I am not a parent to her and I will never be a parent to her (she has two excellent parents).

I applaud those folks who have or will have children but they are not for me and never were. I also totally believe that some people are not destined to be parents and I am one of them. Odd thing, my sister who is an electrical engineer feels the same way. We had excellent parents and wonderful childhoods but we have no interest in becoming parents ourselves.

My life has plenty of meaning and plenty of "point". I love my career and love my life without children and have no intention of changing it. I also love having plenty of freedom to do and explore the corners of the world with no ties. My fiance and I love our DINK household (double-income, no kids). It's not for everyone but it works well for us.

njbmd 🙂
 
I am only half serious with this post, but don't some of you feel in some way obligated to repopulate the world with the same good genes you were blessed with?

The modern trend seems to be that the most educated and intelligent people choose to have no kids or only one. While those with ...ahem... less desirable phenotypes are popping out babies right and left. I realize environment plays a large factor in determining intelligence, but you can't deny that there also exists a significant genetic component.

What about all the people with genetic diseases who in past generations would have been unable to reproduce because they either didn't reach maturity or were too unhealthy. Now these people (at a tremendous cost to society) are living just long enough to ensure that the frequency of these genes is increased in the population.

I know I am about 2 steps away from eugenics here, but haven't any of you had these thoughts before? Just to clarify - I'm not advocating withholding care from those with genetic diseases or forced sterilization for stupid people (well, maybe if you're stupid AND ugly. :laugh: ) Just pointing out how strange it is that our society seems to be selecting for perpetuation of the least desirable phenotypes.


I know... I know... Who am I to decide what type of person is more desirable than another? I'm just thinking out loud here.
 
June 22. My wife is expecting our first child. Yeah! It's a highly personal but I'm very excited, and feel tremendously blessed.
 
12YearOldKid said:
I know I am about 2 steps away from eugenics here, but haven't any of you had these thoughts before? Just to clarify - I'm not advocating withholding care from those with genetic diseases or forced sterilization for stupid people (well, maybe if you're stupid AND ugly. :laugh: ) Just pointing out how strange it is that our society seems to be selecting for perpetuation of the least desirable phenotypes.
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The fact that I'm such an "intelligent, educated person" means that I have some ability to discern which of my thoughts are good ones, and which aren't. Acting on these thoughts is utterly immoral, as you already know.

But to answer your question, no, I don't feel responsible to repopulate the world, not with my genes or anyone else's. Six billion other human beings are quite an adequate number to do a thorough job of populating this planet without my help. Plus, I'm not naive (or arrogant) enough to think that my presence on this planet is either necessary or sufficient to "improve" mankind. The human race got along fine without me for thousands of years, and it will continue to do so after I am long gone....assuming, of course, that all of your "repopulaters" don't overdo it. 😉

P.S. Congrats, Lindy. 😀
 
There's been a lot of posts on SDN lately about kids, haven't there?

I'm only 24, but realistically I don't think I will ever have children of my own. I've had lots of health problems in my life and am not even sure I would be able to have children of my own. Having kids becomes an entirely different issue when you have questionable fertility.

I have a biological clock even at my age, and all of my friends except one have a child or are pregnant right now. It's a lot of pressure. But the thought of pregnancy and childbirth is disgusting and scary to me as well, and I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world to face the same health problems that I have had.

I love kids. A whole lot, which scares me sometimes. But I think my best option would be as an adoptive parent or a foster parent. I also really love my pets, so it's fulfilling taking care of them too.

Who knows? I may decide to be a pediatrician. Then you'd have more kids than you could count. There are more ways to influence the lives of children than having kids of your own.

Great post, Shyrem.
 
I think that your concerns would be more justified in the past than they are now, megboo. The thing is, 70 isn't "old" like it was in the past. People are living longer and healthier lives, and that trend seems likely to continue in the future. I am not saying that every 50-year-old is going to be spry enough to parent a child, but I also don't think it's fair to generalize that all 50-year-olds are too old to parent, either, just because they'll be 70 when their children are 20. One could make an analogous argument about many of us older non-trads who will be starting our careers in our forties or beyond, right? 😉
 
Being a young parent seems to be a strong concern for younger people. Many of my friends in the 20s can't envision a life beyong 29, 30. People in their 50s and 60s can enjoy healthy, fulfilling and active lives. My own mother finished teacher's college at 56 and is loving every minute of her new career.

Having a 70 year old parent who is present, involved and loving is more important than the hypothetical younger parent who can play a game of touch football with their 20 year old kid. Generalizations usually don't say much about people in any age group but life doesn't end at 29 or 39.
 
megboo said:
Yeah, that's why I figured maybe it was just my frustration at my specific family members - who are not in the best of health to begin with. But I have observed it in a clinical setting as well for speech therapy vs. natural-born children with other people (how they treat their adoptive children). But then again, there are tons of people who treat their natural-born children in ways that make me cringe.

Just a rambling thought. I think it's laughable for anyone to put someone down for NOT having kids.
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You won't get any argument on that from me. 😉 And, I do think your point that people should evaluate their ability to raise a child, whether natural or adopted, is well-taken. This would include being in sufficiently good physical condition oneself to take care of the child, or else having an alternative caretaker who is.
 
Mustang, it's interesting that your questionable fertility colors your choices. All my life growing up i had been told I could never have children due to medical problems. I had pretty much resolved myself to not having any, and my husband was fine with that.

And then we started thinking 'wouldn't it be nice' and after many infertility treatments, lots of drugs (with lots and LOTS of unpleasant side effects), I have two of my own. Yes, I am one of those folks that only got pregnant with ONE child both times I was on massive amounts of fertility drugs. And I'm grateful for them both.

However, I do understand that medical issues cloud your answer, and before doing lots of research and before going through 4 years of heartbreak and medical treatments, I was one of those folks that was told by doctors that it was "highly unlikely" that I would ever have children of my own. And I was perfectly ok growing up with the thought I would never have children. So I've seen both sides.

Having children is a very very serious decision. It is a lifelong commitment not to be taken lightly. Too many people have children without thinking about the future - I applaud those of you who have thought about it, and who have made decisions either way. It is not an easy one - either way.

Just one favor tho - don't be mad at those of us who have children if we have to stay home with a sick kid and ask for notes. Believe me, I'd rather be in class than watch one of my children be sick. 🙂 I'll bake cookies as a reward. 🙂
 
ShyRem said:
Just one favor tho - don't be mad at those of us who have children if we have to stay home with a sick kid and ask for notes. Believe me, I'd rather be in class than watch one of my children be sick. 🙂 I'll bake cookies as a reward. 🙂
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I can't imagine anyone resenting you for that, Shy. I'll give you mine, but only if those cookies are chocolate chip, no nuts. :laugh:

On a more serious note, I was talking to some other non-trads about setting up a non-trad med student club for mutual support, advocacy, family-friendly social activities, etc. They have one at Pitt, and it's geared toward students over age 30 and 20-somethings who have children. I thought it was a great idea, and that we should start clubs like that anywhere that non-trads go to school.
 
QofQuimica said:
On a more serious note, I was talking to some other non-trads about setting up a non-trad med student club for mutual support, advocacy, family-friendly social activities, etc. They have one at Pitt, and it's geared toward students over age 30 and 20-somethings who have children. I thought it was a great idea, and that we should start clubs like that anywhere that non-trads go to school.
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Very cool idea. I'm on board!
 
This is a very interesting thread. Like several of the people who have posted, I have never wanted to have kids. In fact, I ended up getting a divorce because my husband changed my mind and decided he wanted to have kids. We had other problems, but we probably could have worked them out if it wasn't for the kids issue.

I don't understand why so many people have such disdain for people like me who don't want to have kids. The world is overpopulated enough as it is. I respect other people's decisions to have children or not to have them, and I wish that more people would respect mine and not try to give me a guilt trip.
 
colorado_doc_2B said:
This is a very interesting thread. Like several of the people who have posted, I have never wanted to have kids. In fact, I ended up getting a divorce because my husband changed my mind and decided he wanted to have kids. We had other problems, but we probably could have worked them out if it wasn't for the kids issue.

I don't understand why so many people have such disdain for people like me who don't want to have kids. The world is overpopulated enough as it is. I respect other people's decisions to have children or not to have them, and I wish that more people would respect mine and not try to give me a guilt trip.
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Hey you're not the only one that doesn't want to have kids and you shouldn't feel guilted by others for your decision. I have no desire to have kids either and whoever I end up being with if anyone has to be a woman that is on the same page or, yes i agree, it just won't work. Kids are A LOT of work and should not be something done just to appease others or because it is your 'duty' or something like that. Ignore the ignorance and keep your chin up there's plenty of women and men alike that don't want kids and are okay with that regardless of other's opinions.
 
Lindyhopper said:
June 22. My wife is expecting our first child. Yeah! It's a highly personal but I'm very excited, and feel tremendously blessed.
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I'm very excited for you and wish you the best. My daughter has been the best thing that has ever happened in my life. Good luck and don't forget to keep your kid "first."

PS - Read Dr Sears.
 
But there's an article in Foreign Policy talking about how people who don't have kids are the more educated, liberal segment of the population and how this will cause the triumph of conservatism.

Any thought?
 
wannaberad said:
But there's an article in Foreign Policy talking about how people who don't have kids are the more educated, liberal segment of the population and how this will cause the triumph of conservatism.

Any thought?
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Here's a thought: how about if we focus on educating the kids that are already here, instead of concluding that the only solution to there being large numbers of people who don't think exactly like we do must be to pump out more kids whether we want them or not? :idea: I'm not even convinced that the hegemony of conservatism is A) a real problem in the first place, and B) even if it is, that it can be fixed by liberals having more kids. The idea that you can indoctrinate a kid into believing exactly what you believe is pretty weak anyway, at least in a free society. How exactly would you prevent your kid from being exposed to other, even "liberal" ideas, assuming you wanted to do this? I think that if conservatism is "triumphing," it's because conservatism speaks to psychological needs for certainty and stability in people's lives, not because conservatives have been brainwashed by their conservative parents.
 
What a great thread. It's good to know that there are people out there with the same concerns that I have.

I never really gave much thought to having children. It was always something that I figured I'd do "later." But now, at 26, I'm starting to feel the "urge." Not necessarily to pop one out right this moment, but to start thinking about the long-term. I think that this may be a subconcious manifestation brought on by the sheer volume of friends that got engaged/married this past year (I swear, there's something in the water), but I've been worrying recently about where a family will fit in along the way.

I would like to think that "it'll happen when it happens," since I usually subscribe to that philosophy. But I can't help thinking that this point in my life (mid- to late-twenties) is the best time (biologically) to have children. Does anyone else ever worry about the complications and problems associated with births later in life? The risks even begin climbing after 30. It shouldn't scare me as much as it does, and I don't know what initiated these fears. There are days when I don't even think I want children at all. But then there are days where I visit my friends who have kids, and I think, "Wow, I can't wait to have what they have." Is it a female hormonally-induced phenomenon? 😕
 
I think, especially for a woman, the question comes down to how old are you at the beginning of med school, and do you really want to have your own child? Excluding finances, of course. And, if you don't want your kid, do you want a baby? I've never wanted to give birth, and right now, I have a stronger inclination towards kittens than children. However, I'll be in my late thirties when all is said and done, and we plan to adopt a toddler and a baby, so it would be like we started earlier.
 
ShyRem, beautifully written. That is how I feel too. Actually for me, I don't mind some of the things I have given up to have a son (and another on the way). Since college I have always wanted kids, I grew up with 3 other siblings in a great household. And I used to give people those looks of "You don't want kids? What is the purpose of living then?" I used to challenge other people's desires to live without having children.

I've backed off since then. I no longer give out those looks, and I don't challenge people anymore. Children are an enormous responsibility like you said, but for me I just can't get enough of the rewards. My son is so close to learning how to walk, and he giggles and laughs everytime we hold one of his hands as he precariously balances his chubby little torso with his developing legs.

I really think there is nothing better than having your child come to you and give you a big hug. I am (along with my wife) the most important person in his life.

Anyway, it ain't easy. Talk to me when we he is uncontrollably crying over something stupid. Like his truck hits the wall and won't move. Oh man those are the times that it SUCKS BEING A DAD!
 
Kids has been a very big concern of mine espcially when it comes to med school. I'm 28 & my husband is 35. We been together for 8 years and married for 3. People are always asking us, "so, when you gonna have kids?" It's funny because my husband laughs and says one day we'll have 10! I make a face like I just saw them picking their nose! I always thought I wanted kids, but as I get older, I just don't know anymore. Sometimes I think it's because I'm selfish and sometimes I feel like I've been tainted by other people's kids. For example, I love my niece and nephew, but everytime I'm finished visiting with them, I have even more resolve not to have kids or if I see kids behaving badly, I think.... NO WAY! People say," oh it's different when they're your own," and I believe them, but I just can't get the bad taste out of my mouth. My husband would be elated if I were giving birth tomorrow, but I also think he sometimes has grand elusions about raising kids. He's just had no experience with them at all. Raising kids is HARD and I applaud all those who have them, I just don't know if it's right for me. I think about this topic ALOT when I think about med school and the future. I just feel guilty making my husband wait until he's in his 40's to have kids. He says whatever I want to do is fine, but I would still feel guilty because I know he really wants them, and sooner than later. And then sometimes, SOMETIMES, I look at my husband and just KNOW he'll be a great dad and want to bear his children. Don't get me wrong, I've always known he'd be a great dad, its only in the sometimes when I actually get that knot deep down in my heart and want to see him slepping on the couch with our baby on his chest. You know? Well, I guess we'll see what happens and sorry for the long post, but this topic has been weighing heavy on me ever since I started the med school journey. I can't think about one without the other.
 
i'm 23 and i don't plan on having any kids. Something about me and kids just doesn't seem right. Maybe i'll change one day, but the way things are going I'm happy not wanting one.
 
I'm 32 and don't have any plans to have children. At this rate I have a couple more years of pre-reqs to get through, and then medical school, so it really isn't feasible I suppose. I do love kids... I know my mother sure wants to be a grandmother, but my other siblings can manage that part I think. 😉
 
I've been at the point lately where, at 31, I've felt like I'd have to choose between children and med school (which I why I've also been considering PA school). . .I suppose, though, children might not happen whether I go to med school or not, so I'm trying not to let that weigh too heavily on my decision.

I'm not 100% sure I really will ever be "ready" to be a mother, but I think I'd regret not having children when I'm 60 or 70 or 80 and child/grandchildless. Who knows, though?
 
You're far from alone in this sentiment. Visit http://www.childfree.net/

Of course the downside to so many of us otherwise intelligent folks not having kids is that the population headcount will not do well, as already discussed in many places.

unfrozencaveman said:
I'm personally pretty undecided on this, and am so far from it being a realistic option to even be considered seriously-- but I was wondering if people were just not really thinking about fitting kids into their plan.

I actually got into this discussion with my best friend (a guy) the other day, and basically floated the idea that maybe this wouldnt be on my list of priorities, and was pretty shocked at his reaction to someone considering not having kids. He basically asked me what the point of my life would be...
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