Anyone else have a family that is pitifully unsupportive?

[Carmenita79]

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So I am a non-trad (going on 28) female and I am starting school in the fall.... I am thrilled, personally.... I can't wait to start and I can't imagine a better field for me. However, I just got back from a family gathering over the weekend (lots of aunts uncles, cousins, etc) and all I heard was "Med school? ohh 🙁 , so you aren't going to have kids until you are 45? And even then, how are you going to be a mom with a job like that?"

What is this 1955? Granted, most of my family ever went to college and work as grocery clerks or selling hot dogs at costco.... but still.

 

[jochi1543]

My parents, ESPECIALLY my father, were very unsupportive. My father went from being broke on a farm in the middle of nowhere to a millionaire in business, and he had centered my entire life around getting into the field of finance. He believes that happiness is entirely centered around money, and given his poor (and disadvantaged - mother dropped out of middle school, father in jail, plus back in his days, rural residents were not allowed to travel and thus obtain post-sec education) background, I see where he's coming from. He was LIVID when he found out I was thinking about medicine, especially primary care and rural work! He cut me off, which was a HUGE problem for me, because I was on a visa and could not take out loans OR work anywhere outside of campus (whether they paid me $8 an hour and I couldn't work more than 20 hours a week - good luck paying rent on that). I had to work under the table as a webcam girl and housecleaner to be able to eat. I knew that if I only caved in, I'd have a predictable and very much financially secure future in his company - I doubt I'll ever make as much in medicine as I'd make working with him, no matter how successful of a doctor I might be. But I just focused on my knowledge that it was an educated decision and that medicine was truly where I wanted to be, and persevered. In the end, he's calmed down. He'd still much rather have me drop out of the race and come back to his company, but he actually went as far as to tell me "Well, try to get in, at least" last time we spoke on the phone (my father's not a verbally supportive type, so this was a HUGE deal for me).

 

[ana]

So I am a non-trad (going on 28) female and I am starting school in the fall.... I am thrilled, personally.... I can't wait to start and I can't imagine a better field for me. However, I just got back from a family gathering over the weekend (lots of aunts uncles, cousins, etc) and all I heard was "Med school? ohh 🙁 , so you aren't going to have kids until you are 45? And even then, how are you going to be a mom with a job like that?"

What is this 1955? Granted, most of my family ever went to college and work as grocery clerks or selling hot dogs at costco.... but still.

Well, my parents were shocked and not too happy initially . Mainly, they were concerned I was going to ask for them for money, which they did not have in abundance. Yes, there was the typical stuff about not having childlren.

Needless to say, I went anyway. I paid my way with loans. I found out people were having children in med school, residency, afterwards, etc.

Years later, I have a family, a medical degree, a career I love, and I even earn enough money to help them out.

Don't let other people's fears about their own lives hold you back. When you achieve your goals, forgive them. You too will make mistakes you hope people will not hold over you.

 

[jochi1543]

Yes, there was the typical stuff about not having childlren.

Yeah, and by the way, I know TONS of women who don't want children (and no, not all of them are 19 years old). I'm one of them, and considering the extent of my vehement dislike for them, this ain't changing (if anything, the older I get, the more I dislike them). WTF with all those people who think having children is your #1 goal in life? At least I've got one less thing to worry about - i.e. how to balance medicine with motherhood. And seriously, almost anyone can have a child, but getting into med - not so much.

 

[apnea]

my mother told me i'd never be anything more than a mediocre CNA 🙄

i haven't talked to either set of parents (yes they're divorced [both remarried], and given the fact that neither of them like me, this one might actually be my fault) in almost a year. And...my father is a dentist

Zero support there.

i'm sorry you're getting no help 🙁 We should have a hug emoticon.

 

[apnea]

EEE look what i found!!

 

[Oceaner]

I am sorry, family support is a wonderful thing to have... however, you know that your destined to do something great, and don't let anyone, blood related or not tell you otherwise. At the end of these few year you know that whatever you accomplish, you've accomplished is standing fully on your feet. Beside the goal, the objective the journey itself will be something extraordinary that you will carry with the rest of your life. Seriously wishing you strength and the best, at the end of the day you want to touch as many lives as possible, and make one person specially proud-- you. *hug*

 

[American Princess]

😍 I'm not a Pre Allopathic Student, I'm pre Pharmacy Student. I thought that I was the only one with this problem.

i hope that everyone with succeed in their goals and have great success and happiness.

Michelle

 

[Meatwad]

👍 Good luck to all of you, it must be tough not having support. I feel even more fortunate than ever to have a very supporting family. It must be very difficult for you, but that will make it all the more sweeter when you achieve your goals.

 

[Pretty POHA]

Don't let other people's fears about their own lives hold you back. .

Bravo! This is a great thing to remember!!!

 

[GuzzyRon]

My case is the opposite of most of you on this thread in that changing my mind will send my dad to an early grave. My entire family, though several thousands of miles away, has been very supportive and encouraging. I could sense the joy in my dad's voice each time I call him with any little news of how well this application season is going for me.

I still find it shocking that parents will not support their own children in their chosen careers 😱 especially one as noble as being a physician. I am sorry to hear your stories.

Hang on tight, folks! Don't let anyone take your dreams and aspirations away - not even your parents!

 

[Trismegistus4]

So I am a non-trad (going on 28) female and I am starting school in the fall.... I am thrilled, personally.... I can't wait to start and I can't imagine a better field for me. However, I just got back from a family gathering over the weekend (lots of aunts uncles, cousins, etc) and all I heard was "Med school? ohh 🙁 , so you aren't going to have kids until you are 45? And even then, how are you going to be a mom with a job like that?"

Well, did you answer their question?

 

[sillydoc2230]

My fam at first was a little shocked and upset at how much this will cost, but now they came around because they see how dedicated I am to it. The extended family on the other hand... Yeah, you will always have those naysayers. Don't listen to them and follow your passion.

 

[powerful_squib]

Even though I do have a very supportive mother... I would say almost too supportive... you guys indeed do have people who support you... your SDN family (yes, I know a little cheesy, but it's true). Even though your fams. do not support you, at least your doing what you love, and thats all that SHOULD matter.

Just remember, when your making those big bucks as a hot shot doctor, and you family asks for money.... you can deny them all you want...lol... JK... I mean I would most likely not do it, but the fact that they have to ask you for money might prove them wrong... depending on ur loved ones at least. So just hang in there and remember that is what SDN is for,

 

[realitybias]

A lot of people want to have children to leave their mark on the world. No matter how much we believe in immortality, an afterlife, etc... we still look both ways before we cross the street. Having kids makes sure that after you die, you are not forgotten, and a small part of you lives on forever. That's my take on it...

But then being a doctor, you still get to touch the world in your own special way, and leave your mark on the world. You leave a little bit of yourself behind each time you save a life, cure a patient. You will be remembered, and every time you help a patient, you set forth waves of life in time that will reverberate eternally.



Wow, that was poetic.

 

[dayumgina]

It's totally possible to have kids while you're in med school. A lot of my friends in med school just got married and/or had kids this year. I feel you on the whole unsupportive family thing, although my situation is a bit different. My parents are totally doubtful of me (to the point of making me -almost- doubt myself) because I did not go straight into med school after college. I took some time after college to really think whether this is what I want, and will be attend a SMP in the fall. Moral of the story...the only person that you can fully count on will be yourself, and as long as you don't doubt your capabilities, you'll be fine.

 

[potato51]

*raising hand*

but I stopped caring what they think a long time ago and I couldn't be happier.

 

[baylormed]

I don't know what's worse, having some family members tell me I'll do great all the time and why do I have to worry about (I don't think they understand how hard med school is)...or having other family members tell me I'm insane.

I think the naysayers actually motivate me to work harder.

At least my parents are supportive.

 

[jochi1543]

But then being a doctor, you still get to touch the world in your own special way, and leave your mark on the world. You leave a little bit of yourself behind each time you save a life, cure a patient. You will be remembered, and every time you help a patient, you set forth waves of life in time that will reverberate eternally.

*copy/pastes into PS*


JK.

 

[omegaxx]

Yeah, and by the way, I know TONS of women who don't want children (and no, not all of them are 19 years old). I'm one of them, and considering the extent of my vehement dislike for them, this ain't changing (if anything, the older I get, the more I dislike them). WTF with all those people who think having children is your #1 goal in life? At least I've got one less thing to worry about - i.e. how to balance medicine with motherhood. And seriously, almost anyone can have a child, but getting into med - not so much.

Now, now, almost any woman can be a mom, but being a good mom - not so much; and being a good mom while being a good doctor - even less! 😉

 

[lilnoelle]

My parents weren't very supportive during the application cycle and I know they don't really like that I'm in med school, but they were supportive after I got accepted. (I think they figured that there was no way I was gonna turn back at that point and so they decided to accept it).

My parents very much believe in the idea of the stay at home mom. I'm already a mom and me going to med school has them very concerned for my kids. They bring it up a lot (although I don't think they mean to) that I don't have as much time with my kids and that my kids should be my number one priority.

Its not much fun. Especially since I am VERY close to my parents and I value their opinion. I think my kids are fine now but I am concerned how things will be handled on the family front in my third year and in residency when I'm not at home very often.

 

[xylem29]

Even though I do have a very supportive mother... I would say almost too supportive... you guys indeed do have people who support you... you SDN family (yes, I know a little cheesy, but it's true). Even though they do not support you, at least your doing what you love, and thats all that SHOULD matter.

Just remember, when your making those big bucks as a hot shot doctor, and you family asks for money.... you can deny them all you want...lol... JK... I mean I would most likely not do it, but the fact that they have to ask you for money might prove them wrong... depending on ur loved ones at least. So just hang in there and remember that is what SDN is for,

It's kind of discouraging and also heart wrenching to hear you guys say that your family, some EVEN your own parents, do not support you. It's true that SDN is like a family, not quite but you know for sure that you can find all the support you need here. I know that for my MCAT prep, SDN helped out alot - with Chuck Norris jokes, MCAT jokes, suggestions for sleeping aid, suggestions for E-drinks, etc...ah, what fun times last year was!

 

[melissainsd]

My parents weren't very supportive during the application cycle and I know they don't really like that I'm in med school, but they were supportive after I got accepted. (I think they figured that there was no way I was gonna turn back at that point and so they decided to accept it).

My parents very much believe in the idea of the stay at home mom. I'm already a mom and me going to med school has them very concerned for my kids. They bring it up a lot (although I don't think they mean to) that I don't have as much time with my kids and that my kids should be my number one priority.

Its not much fun. Especially since I am VERY close to my parents and I value their opinion. I think my kids are fine now but I am concerned how things will be handled on the family front in my third year and in residency when I'm not at home very often.

I just wanted to tell you your kids are really adorable (I think that every time you post).

As for me- I don't have a lot of immediate family to worry about. My father-in-law passed away, my mother-in-law is crazy, and my mom passed away. My dad is really proud of me though. My mom was a clinical laboratory scientist/ supervisor so I was raised by a working mother. My family knows it won't be a problem for me.

My family member of concern is my husband. He has become increasingly supportive but is terrified at our impending move. Unfortunately we just found out MN has weird certification standards for police and although he has 2.5 years as a military policeman, 2 years as a civilian policeman, a B.A., and an associates in criminal justice- he still cannot work in MN. He has to spend a year at a community college first (it's nuts).

I can't really fault him for dreading the move, but it really stole my thunder. I feel really bad for him. 🙁

 

[momtwo]

So I am a non-trad (going on 28) female and I am starting school in the fall.... I am thrilled, personally.... I can't wait to start and I can't imagine a better field for me. However, I just got back from a family gathering over the weekend (lots of aunts uncles, cousins, etc) and all I heard was "Med school? ohh 🙁 , so you aren't going to have kids until you are 45? And even then, how are you going to be a mom with a job like that?"

What is this 1955? Granted, most of my family ever went to college and work as grocery clerks or selling hot dogs at costco.... but still.

WOW! Stumbled on this thread and have to offer my 2-cents (can i have a hot dog?) I am a Mom of 2 daughters - one a PA and one starting med school in July. These girls are the first professionals (to be) in our family - - and I was a bit taken aback by the lack of enthusiasm from family for their goals but never in my wildest dreams did I think that families would react in the ways mentioned in this thread. I'm so sorry to hear this. What I'm noticing in our familiy is some jealousy, some just plain ignorance as to what it is they are taking on. I'm also noticing minimal support! It's been that way all through the girls lives as they succeeded in this or that. Nobody really seemed to care. This is no different. I think people get threatened by other's successes and I don't think they stop to realize the hard work you guys put in to attain your dreams. Your families should be proud of you guys! Yikes.

 

[SB100]

Not necessarily unsupportive, but it is "awkward" that I'm pursuing medicine coming from a family with no medical profession background at all. Although when I told my dad the expenses by the time I'd graduate medical school he nearly flipped. It was very weird going to my dad's law firm to pick him up for lunch the other day, and one of his partners told him "We still have time to change his mind" sarcastically after he found out I am pre-med.

 

[jochi1543]

As for me- I don't have a lot of immediate family to worry about. My father-in-law passed away, my mother-in-law is crazy, and my mom passed away. My dad is really proud of me though. My mom was a clinical laboratory scientist/ supervisor so I was raised by a working mother. My family knows it won't be a problem for me.

Yeah, I think your family tradition regarding working or staying at home with the kids is important. As everyone in my family spent the majority of their years under socialism where everyone worked and things like stay-at-home moms did not exist (only for moms with special needs children), nobody ever even said anything about being a housewife or SAHM. It was always assumed that if I were a mother, I'd be a working mother. And watching my mother's current existence as a SAHM, I say, you NEED a life outside of the mother/housewife role. She has become very isolated and bored, and as I do not live with her, I have been able to observe her changing from the side.

 

[psipsina]

My father died when I was little and my mom suffers from severe mental illness. She actually sabotaged my college application and financial aid when I allowed her to be a part of the process, she would refuse to drive me to the SATs or kick me out of the house the night before the ACTs for no reason, she would tell me she filled out my fasfa and then when I checked she hadn't . . . I had to be declared as an independent student because she wouldn't file her taxes or give me paperwork and I applied on my own (which meant no interviews which I'm sure hurt me). She believed that if I didn't leave for college I would stay home and be her child forever . . . so yeah. We communicate on and off depending on her personal stability at the time and right now she seems happy for me but she's not really capable of support in any way.

My aunt and uncle are kind of my surrogate parents, more so recently then in the past. When I got into multiple medschools my aunt let it slip that they were really surprised that I got in!?! Since then they have been very supportive of my first year struggles and have tried to help me make some connections via their social circle. My in-laws have been amazingly supportive, my husband is the only one in his family who's gone to college so they really don't understand the process and can't fathom how I'm not the smartest person ever but they have been sooo supportive. We lost everything in Katrina in the midst of my applications and they let us move in for free for a year with them so we could work and pay for my applications and save up to get back on our feet.

 

[vixen26]

I'm 26 and my parents were supportive until I didn't get into my state school and then I started hearing...well you don't have to go... it is a lot of money....how scary..i worry about you at night....you won't be able to to have a family...you're so pretty why don't you just find a husband that will take care of you like your mother...blah blah blah, not to mention my boyfriend of four years who was "so supportive" is telling me how we'll never make it because I have to move and it will be too hard. Sorry this isn't helping you, but just wanted to let you know there are others out there going through the same thing.

 

[melissainsd]

My father died when I was little and my mom suffers from severe mental illness. She actually sabotaged my college application and financial aid when I allowed her to be a part of the process, she would refuse to drive me to the SATs or kick me out of the house the night before the ACTs for no reason, she would tell me she filled out my fasfa and then when I checked she hadn't . . . I had to be declared as an independent student because she wouldn't file her taxes or give me paperwork and I applied on my own (which meant no interviews which I'm sure hurt me). She believed that if I didn't leave for college I would stay home and be her child forever . . . so yeah. We communicate on and off depending on her personal stability at the time and right now she seems happy for me but she's not really capable of support in any way.

My aunt and uncle are kind of my surrogate parents, more so recently then in the past. When I got into multiple medschools my aunt let it slip that they were really surprised that I got in!?! Since then they have been very supportive of my first year struggles and have tried to help me make some connections via their social circle. My in-laws have been amazingly supportive, my husband is the only one in his family who's gone to college so they really don't understand the process and can't fathom how I'm not the smartest person ever but they have been sooo supportive. We lost everything in Katrina in the midst of my applications and they let us move in for free for a year with them so we could work and pay for my applications and save up to get back on our feet.

Wow, sabotage? That is horrible. You are truly inspirational. I know how it feels to lose your home though, as we lost ours in the Cedar fires. There were so many homes burning at the time (and lives at risk) that the firemen never came. The home burned until there was no fuel (i.e. possessions) left. My husband was overseas at the time and I had just moved ahead for school so luckily I had clothes, etc. Unfortunately our family memories, love letters, and things of importance were in the home.

I am also the first person in my family to move on to graduate education (my mom was the only other college grad), so my extended family really doesn't know what is going on. I'm just glad they finally stopped telling me to go to trade school 😉

 

[Pretty POHA]

A few things I've learned:
You can't pick your biological family, but you CAN pick the family you surround yourself with!

Only YOU have the ability to change your own life. It doesn't matter what other people say. You have to be passionate enough about your goals that none of the roadblocks (which, by the way, WILL be there) can stop you.

And, be selective about who you place in your life. YOU have control of this... why would you choose to surround yourself with non-encouraging people?

 

[Winged Scapula]

You have to follow the path that leads you to fulfillment and happiness. Some may choose to shut out those who don't lift them up, others choose to fight the daily battle with unsupportive family and friends.

My father was never supportive; I was "education [myself] out of the marriage market" (not that I was even considering it), "men don't like women who have more education/make more money/might be smarter than them".

My mother just wants me to be happy and if she has misgivings (my family are medical phobes), she doesn't share them with me. OTOH, it would have been nice if I'd gotten a congratulations upon graduation from medical school or residency. It was pretty tough to go to my Chief's dinner and see my fellow residents with family from all across the country; I had no one there.

The only real supportive person I had was my mother's father; he was placed in foster care and shuttled between relatives after his mother's death when he was 5. He worked hard and put himself through college and nothing made him prouder than to see his grandchildren achieve educational success without having to work as hard as he did. When I talked about going back to school for medicine, he was thrilled and happy for me. Unfortunately, he didn't live to see me get into medical school, but my grandmother was so proud for the both of them and made sure that I had enough money to be comfortable and minimize my loans. She said that grandpa would have wanted to help.

So, I ignore those who have some pre-set notion of what being a woman is (because that isn't necessarily what I want) or what men want (because I haven't had too much trouble finding a guy so far), and pursue a choice that makes me happy.