Anyone want to grade and give pointers on my WS?

[Scrub MD]

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I know my writing is horrible and I was just trying to get into the top half if possible of grading. This essay I wrote in 22 minutes without sketching out a plan(just writing). I have never been able to make an outline and use it effectively so I just write.

The Prompt was: Developed nations have an obligation to provide aid to the underdeveloped nations of the world.

Tasksefine, situation not obligated to, what determines when dev. nat. have obl. to provide aid

Nations that have advanced their own living conditions and economy should give back to less fortunate nations. Developed nations have a higher standard of living that includes clean drinking water, ample food and sanitary living arrangements. Underdevelop countries are stricken with disease, starvation and poor living conditions.

A country would not be obligated to give aid to an underdeveloped country if that country was not using the aid to benefit its citizens. The USA has previously provided aid to such a country. Cuba's rebels and government have used aid brought over by the USA to further advance their military without concern for their own citizens.

How the country is going to use the aid is the major factor when determining whether a developed nation should provide aid to underdeveloped nations. If the needy nation is not going to use the aid in the way the giving country intended then they should not give to that nation.

Another factor to consider when going to undeveloped nations is the developed nations current state of affairs. If the would be giving nation has major problems of its own, than it would be beneficial for them to not give aid. Examples of this would be a nation at war. They would want to and should use all their available resources to ensure their troops and citizens are properly cared fopr with common necessities usually given as aid to other countries. A war is already such a drain on the clothing, food and water production of a country that one has to look out for its own citizens and soldiers.

[any help would be great, thanks!!]

 

[shoal]

Okay... I'm not sure if you have read TPR or kaplan on writting samples but this is not really following the structure very well.

TAS
thesis, example, antithesis, example, synthesis, example
is how i wrote it and was tripped up on my second essay (being an engineer w/o english for 3 yrs) ended up with a Q.

I know my writing is horrible and I was just trying to get into the top half if possible of grading. This essay I wrote in 22 minutes without sketching out a plan(just writing). I have never been able to make an outline and use it effectively so I just write.

The Prompt was: Developed nations have an obligation to provide aid to the underdeveloped nations of the world.

Tasksefine, situation not obligated to, what determines when dev. nat. have obl. to provide aid

Nations that have advanced their own living conditions and economy should give back to less fortunate nations. Developed nations have a higher standard of living that includes clean drinking water, ample food and sanitary living arrangements. Underdevelop countries are stricken with disease, starvation and poor living conditions.

<--- Define nation, obligation, and aid (definition of terms will help with examples and sythesis)

A country would not be obligated to give aid to an underdeveloped country if that country was not using the aid to benefit its citizens. The USA has previously provided aid to such a country. Cuba's rebels and government have used aid brought over by the USA to further advance their military without concern for their own citizens.
<--- VAGUE you moved onto anti-thesis here, or synthesis provide an example of where it is important, give examples (real>concrete>made up>hypothetical).

How the country is going to use the aid is the major factor when determining whether a developed nation should provide aid to underdeveloped nations. If the needy nation is not going to use the aid in the way the giving country intended then they should not give to that nation.

Another factor to consider when going to undeveloped nations is the developed nations current state of affairs. If the would be giving nation has major problems of its own, than it would be beneficial for them to not give aid. Examples of this would be a nation at war. They would want to and should use all their available resources to ensure their troops and citizens are properly cared fopr with common necessities usually given as aid to other countries. A war is already such a drain on the clothing, food and water production of a country that one has to look out for its own citizens and soldiers.
<--- Used a hypothetical example - plenty of examples of nations at war - do not do this! it is a bore.

[any help would be great, thanks!!]

You need to follow the structure provided - it is difficult for me to see where you are going with this essay.
During the synthesis you should provide a rule - when it works and when it doesn't or overall statement.

You're on your way but need some guidance - I'd supsect you'd end up with a K-M on this essay. Hopefully this is not too harsh of a review.

Keep working

good luck!

 

[Scrub MD]

Okay... I'm not sure if you have read TPR or kaplan on writting samples but this is not really following the structure very well.

TAS
thesis, example, antithesis, example, synthesis, example
is how i wrote it and was tripped up on my second essay (being an engineer w/o english for 3 yrs) ended up with a Q.

You need to follow the structure provided - it is difficult for me to see where you are going with this essay.
During the synthesis you should provide a rule - when it works and when it doesn't or overall statement.

You're on your way but need some guidance - I'd supsect you'd end up with a K-M on this essay. Hopefully this is not too harsh of a review.

Keep working

good luck!

That is exactly the advice I need. Thank you. I will check out some ideas for structure (I have just been winging it). I got an M in APR05 so I don't think your judgement is at all harsh. This is one of my worst writings(first practice one yet) but thought I would post it and get some feedback.

Thanks again Shoal!! Anyone else got any ideas? I need all the help I can get!!

 

[CoffeeCat]

The Prompt was: Developed nations have an obligation to provide aid to the underdeveloped nations of the world.

Tasksefine, situation not obligated to, what determines when dev. nat. have obl. to provide aid

Nations that have advanced their own living conditions and economy should give back to less fortunate nations. Developed nations have a higher standard of living that includes clean drinking water, ample food and sanitary living arrangements. Underdevelop countries are stricken with disease, starvation and poor living conditions.

A country would not be obligated to give aid to an underdeveloped country if that country was not using the aid to benefit its citizens. The USA has previously provided aid to such a country. Cuba's rebels and government have used aid brought over by the USA to further advance their military without concern for their own citizens.

How the country is going to use the aid is the major factor when determining whether a developed nation should provide aid to underdeveloped nations. If the needy nation is not going to use the aid in the way the giving country intended then they should not give to that nation.

Another factor to consider when going to undeveloped nations is the developed nations current state of affairs. If the would be giving nation has major problems of its own, than it would be beneficial for them to not give aid. Examples of this would be a nation at war. They would want to and should use all their available resources to ensure their troops and citizens are properly cared fopr with common necessities usually given as aid to other countries. A war is already such a drain on the clothing, food and water production of a country that one has to look out for its own citizens and soldiers.

[any help would be great, thanks!!]

Our teachers say that it definitely has to hit 3 pages, the longer the better so I'd suggest developing your examples and giving more details and the introduction can be a lot longer but you did a good job of defining your terms.

You don't really have an example for the thesis, that deveoped countries should support undeveloped countries. Your counterexample about Cuba is good but as I said before could use a few details.

I like your rule - that it depends on how the country would use money. I think if you followed shoal's suggestions on set-up, you'd be doing a lot better.

Good work!