Anyone willing to read personal statement?

[redwings54]

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Hey all. In the pre-allo forum, there is a sticky for people willing to read and comment on other people's personal statements. For those of us who really only want to go to osteopathic school, our personal statements are a little different than those applying to both. Or at least mine is geared toward osteopathic schools only. I was hoping to get a little feedback from some of the people on here regarding my personal statement. I attached it below. So if any of you feel kind, can you possibly read it and offer some feedback? Of course, I will be willing to read others as a sort of thanks. Cheers.

 

[mastamark]

Hey all. In the pre-allo forum, there is a sticky for people willing to read and comment on other people's personal statements. For those of us who really only want to go to osteopathic school, our personal statements are a little different than those applying to both. Or at least mine is geared toward osteopathic schools only. I was hoping to get a little feedback from some of the people on here regarding my personal statement. I attached it below. So if any of you feel kind, can you possibly read it and offer some feedback? Of course, I will be willing to read others as a sort of thanks. Cheers.

Not bad. I would read through it though, as you have a couple of mistypes.
good luck. 🙂

 

[notnarcsDO]

Hey all. In the pre-allo forum, there is a sticky for people willing to read and comment on other people's personal statements. For those of us who really only want to go to osteopathic school, our personal statements are a little different than those applying to both. Or at least mine is geared toward osteopathic schools only. I was hoping to get a little feedback from some of the people on here regarding my personal statement. I attached it below. So if any of you feel kind, can you possibly read it and offer some feedback? Of course, I will be willing to read others as a sort of thanks. Cheers.

Hello, at my school, we had professional evaluators give us workshops on personal statements, so Im pretty knowledgeable about what they are looking for. As a whole, it is great. It shows excellent development and an honest description of what led you to osteopathic medicine. What you are missing is the opening line. Your opening paragraph could sink you and they may not even care enough to read on to hear the exciting experiences you had. You need to pick an important one of those activities, and find a witty statement that ropes them in. Even something completely off the wall would work. An admissions person once told me that the best statement that she ever read started with, "I always wanted to be a firefighter". Dont focus so much on the "I want to help people" edge. Tell your story using personality and creativity.

 

[redwings54]

Bump....people are giving ping some advice on her personal statement so I was hoping to bump mine back up to get some advice on mine too. Thanks in advance.

 

[BklynWill]

As a whole, it's good. I would suggest you consider the following:
1. I agree that it needs a strong opener.
2. This is very much an autobiography, which is informative but can become tedious reading in large quantities. Insert some more wit and engage the reader with your characteristics that make you seem unique among the masses.
3. Italics will not show up in the ascii format, so use a different method to emphasize key words.
4. Avoid jargon like, "what went on", ending sentences with "to", and watch your tenses.
5. Very good osteopathic component. You can even do a search and cite some research suggesting that positive mood is correlated with better health.

I think you're on your way to an excellent essay.

 

[LT2]

Hi-
i hope this isn't too harsh...

i agree with everyone who said you need a better opener...

your research paragraph sounds very choppy, i think you can join some of the sentences together (ie. we used solution chemistry with solid phase enzymes to research haloperoxidases in sol-gels... or something like this). you also elude to future endeavors which i'm not sure if you mention or not?

your opening paragraph is heartfelt, but what is it's tie to medicine for you?

your international experiences, i think, can tie back in very nicely to the views of osteopathic medicine. maybe say something about how those experiences pushed you towards DO. i think you elude to it a bit, but i think you could clarify a bit more, it'll make the statement stronger.

you talk about the patients in the hospital towards the end, what hospital? is this volunteer work? in this paragraph, you almost come off as "preachy" but i think this is where your desire to become a DO comes through

your concluding paragraph seems very choppy and the first two sentences don't make sense to me...

just my opinion...

i think you have a great idea here, but it still seems to be a bit rough around the edges. i think you can find a way to tie the experiences together to make the essay more coherent, right now, i feel like you've told me a bunch of stuff, but i'm not sure how it all fits together... you do have a couple of grammatical/spelling errors as well... i hope this helps and isn't too harsh! good luck

 

[Kazema]

Your PS should be a coherent organism (I know it sounds corny) that is unified by an underlying theme (even cornier). You have that theme in your third and fourth paragraphs, which by the way are excellent. The first two paragraphs seem just randomly thrown in by comparison, which is very unfortunate because it may cause your reader to stop paying attention. Either cut them out completely or condense them into one paragraph.

I believe you should lead with how your holistic medicine fellowship led you to osteopathy. Your PS is not a place to list your activities; that's another part of your application. Your PS is a place to sell yourself as someone who will be an excellent osteopathic physician - and while you have managed to do that with your 3rd and 4th paragraphs, these paragraphs are buried in a lot of other irrelevant-seeming information.

I'd suggest restructuring your essay entirely. Your experience in Siberia sets you apart from any other applicant, and will grab your reader's attention right away. Then you can focus on explaining the other experiences you've had that solidified medicine as a career choice for you, and use all these experiences to show that you will be an excellent physician. Make sure that the path through your PS is clearly laid out and guide the reader through it.

 

[redwings54]

Thanks everyone for writing and offering advice. I tried to incorporate your suggestions into a new essay that flowed together better. This is what I came up with. Let me know what you think.


“Ok, we can read Harry Potter again” I stated as children ran up to me clutching the book. But as the child’s face lit up, I realized that Harry and the gang were great friends that made reading fun. During my years as the chair of the DEAR, Drop Everything and Read, program at Westmorland Elementary, I have heard many tales of how we can help and serve others disguised in tiny pages. We learn that by serving others, we can receive the greatest rewards. By actively becoming a part of the children’s lives, and them a part of mine, we made a connection; by being together both became happier. Both learned that service can take you on some incredible journeys.

With a love for science propelling me forward, the summer after my freshman year I began my somewhat nerdy adventure as I joined Dr. Tim Elgren in his biochem lab. Experimenting with hazardous toxins and oxidizers, I worked to determine mechanisms of catalysis for haloperoxidases in sol-gels; silica matrices that allow solution chemistry to be performed with solid phase enzymes. Although not medical, I learned process and protocol, experimentation and creativity. Research allowed me to conduct a journey leading to new techniques for bioremediation that could help many in the future.

Last fall, I was enjoying a life of which many could only dream. Having studied in Siberia, I was in Edinburgh researching a self-designed, expense paid fellowship in holistic medicine, specifically psychoneuroimmunology and shamanism. As I became more involved in my project, I started living what I was researching. I felt and saw the connection between the mind and the body through my interaction with holistic healers and medicine men. I observed how patients rely on others unreservedly for treatment. I saw the miraculous power of love and witnessed strength gained from hidden sources. I learned that patients can heal themselves.

With numerous adventures, all my experiences have helped me to one day become a more complete physician, to learn to treat the whole person. I found that by working to improve the spiritual, psychological and physiological collectively, we begin to fully heal the individual. In my job in the hospital, the patients I see progress the most are those treated not just for their physical ailments, but in every aspect. Despite suffering, those who believe are happier and healthier. I have seen the effect hope has in combating illness, and the power of love in fighting disease. I have written on psychoneuroimmunology and hope. Inherent in osteopathic doctrine is this concept of holistic care and disease prevention. I feel these ideas are not simple suggestions but necessary components which every physician should prescribe to.

With my experiences, I have learned by serving others. My adventures gave me direction and an unquenchable drive. I have gained so much and feel that through medicine, I will have the greatest opportunity to give back.

 

[Kazema]

I still feel that you should restructure your essay, but if you decide not to I have one last suggestion: take out the word "nerdy". Don't use any colloquialisms in your PS.

 

[LT2]

Hi again-

i think it flows much better. i also would not suggest using "nerdy" in your personal statement. if you get a researcher reading your personal statement, they may take offense. also, don't use "biochem" use "biochemistry", remember, this is a formal essay!

the first sentence of your conclusion is akward to read. try to combine it with the second sentence and how it has provided you with a drive for OSTEOPATHIC medicine!! this is, after all, what you want, right?!?

this is also a totally personal opinion, but the word unquenchable doesn't sit well with me. 🙄

i think kazema had a good point. i wouldn't necessarily re do your essay, but think about writing transition sentences between your paragraphs to make your essay flow better...

overall, i think it's a lot better this go.

 

[BklynWill]

This one is a lot more interesting. I agree that the paragraphs need clearer transitions. I think the stronger theme of your essay is the osteopathic principle you've eluded to, which should show up in the very first paragraph. This is obviously evolving into a better essay.