S
StudentX
Sincere apologies for the offensive remarks in my previous post, if you happened to catch it. It was a rash venting. But my underlying questions remain, and I hope I can tap into the wisdom here in the forums.
Broke up a few months ago with an amazing girl. She is a year ahead of me in med school. We got together before I started school. we connected so well, and it moved so fast. Never been in love like this before, and she'd say the same. My heart is still broken and bleeding. I called it off.
You see, once it was my turn to start med school, the opportunity to make comparisons with her presented itself (not too hard because we're both still preclinical years).
-she's emotionally stronger, more intelligent, more resilient, quicker, more creative, more athletic....you get the picture. (and beautiful to top it off)
I've been brought up in a culture with arcane views on gender roles-- cave man mentality -- men do the hunting, come home to the wife --that school of thinking. I struggled with for months. I felt incredibly small next to her, incredibly weak. She didn't compete with me directly or intentionally, but I felt that in everything we did together -- studying, mingling at parties, reading books, talking politics and philosophy, dancing -- she was one-upping me. When school got hard and I got depressed, she really challenged me to stick with it, and I didn't always take it in the right way.
And so it became confusing. In the weeklong intervals between our visits, I'd long for her calming and healing companionship, but also fear her towering, larger-than-life presence. In classes, I'd constantly be comparing my performance against her history of accomlishments, always finding an inadequacy of mine in every regard in relation to her.
I called her one day after her exams were done to tell her I was too intimidated to stay in this. We fought over this through many conversations. She had been very aware of my insecurities and tried to convince me that this relationship was no competition, and that she was amazed at my qualities in turn. I'll never forget what she told me through tears-- "Do you realize what we've had, and what you're about to give up?" I finally called it, just before Valentine's. Even then, she'd check up on me afterwards...as I was crashing through depression due to other things that turned up...and I'd just shut her out. I'm so ashamed at all the things I told her those last few conversations.
At this point I've lost her, I dunno if there's any hope. But the lesson remains--
I am very attracted to such strong and talented women. But because of the intensity of my insecurities, the closer I get to them, the more I shrink from them.
But I want so much to be able to partake in such a relationship, where we can sharpen each other, bring out the best of each other, gently---- without me feeling so small in comparison.
I feel resigned to being "average joe" and to seek "average jane" because it's, i guess you can say, emotionally safer for me.
I'm 24 and have a ways to go. Is there hope for me to get over my insecurities--to enjoy such an extraordinary relationship again? To move on from fearing such a woman to appreciating her and respecting her?
Humbly asking for your insights,
-X
Broke up a few months ago with an amazing girl. She is a year ahead of me in med school. We got together before I started school. we connected so well, and it moved so fast. Never been in love like this before, and she'd say the same. My heart is still broken and bleeding. I called it off.
You see, once it was my turn to start med school, the opportunity to make comparisons with her presented itself (not too hard because we're both still preclinical years).
-she's emotionally stronger, more intelligent, more resilient, quicker, more creative, more athletic....you get the picture. (and beautiful to top it off)
I've been brought up in a culture with arcane views on gender roles-- cave man mentality -- men do the hunting, come home to the wife --that school of thinking. I struggled with for months. I felt incredibly small next to her, incredibly weak. She didn't compete with me directly or intentionally, but I felt that in everything we did together -- studying, mingling at parties, reading books, talking politics and philosophy, dancing -- she was one-upping me. When school got hard and I got depressed, she really challenged me to stick with it, and I didn't always take it in the right way.
And so it became confusing. In the weeklong intervals between our visits, I'd long for her calming and healing companionship, but also fear her towering, larger-than-life presence. In classes, I'd constantly be comparing my performance against her history of accomlishments, always finding an inadequacy of mine in every regard in relation to her.
I called her one day after her exams were done to tell her I was too intimidated to stay in this. We fought over this through many conversations. She had been very aware of my insecurities and tried to convince me that this relationship was no competition, and that she was amazed at my qualities in turn. I'll never forget what she told me through tears-- "Do you realize what we've had, and what you're about to give up?" I finally called it, just before Valentine's. Even then, she'd check up on me afterwards...as I was crashing through depression due to other things that turned up...and I'd just shut her out. I'm so ashamed at all the things I told her those last few conversations.
At this point I've lost her, I dunno if there's any hope. But the lesson remains--
I am very attracted to such strong and talented women. But because of the intensity of my insecurities, the closer I get to them, the more I shrink from them.
But I want so much to be able to partake in such a relationship, where we can sharpen each other, bring out the best of each other, gently---- without me feeling so small in comparison.
I feel resigned to being "average joe" and to seek "average jane" because it's, i guess you can say, emotionally safer for me.
I'm 24 and have a ways to go. Is there hope for me to get over my insecurities--to enjoy such an extraordinary relationship again? To move on from fearing such a woman to appreciating her and respecting her?
Humbly asking for your insights,
-X
I'd practically kill to find a woman like the one you tossed to the curb. Care to send me her email addy?
