Are people jealous of my goals?

[herbiederbie]

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mom of j, I do think your friend's response was rather strange. Especially since you spent 3/4ths of your response on congratulating her, 2-3 sentences on yourself, and also mentioned that your husband had passed away. The fact that she had nothing to say about your husband's death alone is odd. And it also seems peculiar that her response had no follow-up comments or questions on what you've been doing these past 20 years. I don't know if it's jealousy or not. I'm more inclined to believe that her response is due to self-centeredness more than anything. And this is a trait that all human beings possess to one degree or another. Maybe she is someone who struggles with this trait a lot more. But I'm only speculating, based on what you've told me. I don't know her.

A few months ago, I told one of my former professors from college that I was hoping to make the transition into medicine. She was supportive, but didn't go overboard or anything, which is completely fine and expected. I mean at this point, I'm only planning and preparing for med school and not actually admitted yet. But something she said really hit home. When I told her that I'd appreciate her not telling anyone about my plans, and that I was keeping it on the down low for now, she said that was a good idea. Her response was basically, "If you tell people now, they'll most likely forget in a short while anyway. Most people are so busy and wrapped up in their own lives that they don't care much or remember what anyone outside of themselves and their family is up to." And I think that's true. I don't think people mean to be self-centered sometimes, but everyone seems so busy these days, they feel lucky to keep their own lives straight, and aren't too concerned about everyone else's business. The whole "hey, how are you?" thing is really just a formality, I think, not a sign of genuine interest for most folks, unfortunately.

So my advice would be, just keep being the person you are. Someone who is genuinely interested in the welfare and success of others. I know it's hard sometimes, but don't let people's lack of support make you bitter. Keep on keepin' on. Best wishes to you.

 

[CougarMD]

To the OP.....life may be more comfortable if you consider certain things:

1.) Facebook sucks.
Truly. If these people were your friends, they wouldn't have to find you via an online social network. Or, if they DID find you via this network, their first contact to you would not be "Hey, how is it going? What is new? What are your life plans?" It would be "OH MY GOD I lost your phone number and lost track of you. Give it to me right now and I will call you so we can get together." These are not the people who matter. Don't invest your energy in them.

2.) Sure, some people are jealous.....though jealousy is not really the word I would use. Uncomfortable with themselves, and you are making them realize this, maybe.
Someone told me a story once that I will never forget (and since I am not a fisherman in Maine, I can't vouch for its truth, but here it is). Apparently, when you catch crabs in a basket, they usually will just sit there. But every once in awhile, a crab will try to climb out. What do the other crabs do? THEY PULL IT BACK IN. Why? Well...it is a bold move, escaping. Applying to medical school and completely changing your circumstances is a bold move. It is scary, and a big deal. And there are a lot of people out there who would like to change their circumstances, but make excuses as to why they cannot, or really truly cannot. And these excuses get them through the day. But then, when they see someone else doing it, this breaks down all of their excuses and makes them feel small. So it is not that they actually want to go to medical school....not jealousy, really. Just....discomfort.

3.)Assuming jealousy is a dangerous road to go down.
It will make you hate everyone around you and miss out on some wonderful opportunities. Play it close to the vest, sure. But don't assume the worst from people. It will drive you crazy.

4.) As a lot of other people have said, the awkward silence is often not about you at all, but just that people don't get it. Again, if they don't get it, it means they don't know YOU, so their opinions don't matter.

5.) This pre-med stuff messes with your head.
Find ways to keep it from doing so. Realizing that most information in your life should be given on a need-to-know basis is a good start. Even if that means mis-information to peripheral people, if it keeps you sane, go for it. I've also found that if you just don't talk about yourself....people won't notice. It is VERY easy to not answer questions. People would rather talk about themselves.

 

[momofj]

mom of j, I do think your friend's response was rather strange. Especially since you spent 3/4ths of your response on congratulating her, 2-3 sentences on yourself, and also mentioned that your husband had passed away. The fact that she had nothing to say about your husband's death alone is odd. And it also seems peculiar that her response had no follow-up comments or questions on what you've been doing these past 20 years. I don't know if it's jealousy or not. I'm more inclined to believe that her response is due to self-centeredness more than anything. And this is a trait that all human beings possess to one degree or another. Maybe she is someone who struggles with this trait a lot more. But I'm only speculating, based on what you've told me. I don't know her.

A few months ago, I told one of my former professors from college that I was hoping to make the transition into medicine. She was supportive, but didn't go overboard or anything, which is completely fine and expected. I mean at this point, I'm only planning and preparing for med school and not actually admitted yet. But something she said really hit home. When I told her that I'd appreciate her not telling anyone about my plans, and that I was keeping it on the down low for now, she said that was a good idea. Her response was basically, "If you tell people now, they'll most likely forget in a short while anyway. Most people are so busy and wrapped up in their own lives that they don't care much or remember what anyone outside of themselves and their family is up to." And I think that's true. I don't think people mean to be self-centered sometimes, but everyone seems so busy these days, they feel lucky to keep their own lives straight, and aren't too concerned about everyone else's business. The whole "hey, how are you?" thing is really just a formality, I think, not a sign of genuine interest for most folks, unfortunately.

So my advice would be, just keep being the person you are. Someone who is genuinely interested in the welfare and success of others. I know it's hard sometimes, but don't let people's lack of support make you bitter. Keep on keepin' on. Best wishes to you.

Yep, this is exactly what I'm trying to say, I found her lack of sympathy strange, even rude. Someone passes away the natural and respectful thing to say is " sorry for your loss..." I just don't get people these days! I guess I am mostly annoyed on the types of people that are trying to get in touch with me; is there no one decently nice out there? I am a very positive person, I like to believe people in general are "good", you know, the inocent until proven guilty, well for me its like that; nice until you F-up. I know this is NOT the approach I should have in the world, but I just can't help hoping the good beats the bad! Of course this isn't woriking for me, especially in the field I am about to enter, it sucks...to have to think this way, I don't like it. I like to believe there is good in everyone so when someone is attempting to make contact and shows amazing!WOW! excitement to "finally finding me!" I can't help but to feel this person is genuine and wants to hang out.
Thanks for the support, and for understanding, it seems some people here didn't get what i was trying to say....I'm just dissapointed at people and how they handle themselves when approached with responses they can't aparently handle. I will have a different approach in the future, we'll see what the outcome is!

 

[momofj]

To the OP.....life may be more comfortable if you consider certain things:

1.) Facebook sucks.
Truly. If these people were your friends, they wouldn't have to find you via an online social network. Or, if they DID find you via this network, their first contact to you would not be "Hey, how is it going? What is new? What are your life plans?" It would be "OH MY GOD I lost your phone number and lost track of you. Give it to me right now and I will call you so we can get together." These are not the people who matter. Don't invest your energy in them.

2.) Sure, some people are jealous.....though jealousy is not really the word I would use. Uncomfortable with themselves, and you are making them realize this, maybe.
Someone told me a story once that I will never forget (and since I am not a fisherman in Maine, I can't vouch for its truth, but here it is). Apparently, when you catch crabs in a basket, they usually will just sit there. But every once in awhile, a crab will try to climb out. What do the other crabs do? THEY PULL IT BACK IN. Why? Well...it is a bold move, escaping. Applying to medical school and completely changing your circumstances is a bold move. It is scary, and a big deal. And there are a lot of people out there who would like to change their circumstances, but make excuses as to why they cannot, or really truly cannot. And these excuses get them through the day. But then, when they see someone else doing it, this breaks down all of their excuses and makes them feel small. So it is not that they actually want to go to medical school....not jealousy, really. Just....discomfort.

3.)Assuming jealousy is a dangerous road to go down.
It will make you hate everyone around you and miss out on some wonderful opportunities. Play it close to the vest, sure. But don't assume the worst from people. It will drive you crazy.

4.) As a lot of other people have said, the awkward silence is often not about you at all, but just that people don't get it. Again, if they don't get it, it means they don't know YOU, so their opinions don't matter.

5.) This pre-med stuff messes with your head.
Find ways to keep it from doing so. Realizing that most information in your life should be given on a need-to-know basis is a good start. Even if that means mis-information to peripheral people, if it keeps you sane, go for it. I've also found that if you just don't talk about yourself....people won't notice. It is VERY easy to not answer questions. People would rather talk about themselves.

Oh thank you! you also get what i'm saying🙂

1)Facebook sucks!!!!👍👍 AGREED!!! time to disconnect, or decline people!

2)Uncomfortable is sooooo the word I wished I used! I agree 100% with you, and can see this even if I don't mention any school related info, I see this all the time, when we go to events and bring the kids, people are just 😱duh at us, we have done an amazing job in disciplining the kids and they know what and what not to do at someone else's home, I think this kind of stuff bothers people. I recently went to a bbq and one of the moms there just couldn't stop bitchn' about raising her 10mon old child, and how much work...blah blah blah, then here we come along all spiffy (and in healthy shape for our age😀, noticeable in the middle of obese city) with our 4 super behaved kids, the last one still crawing age! all I get is blank "how the hell do they do it?" stares. So I see what you are saying, its not so much the particular actions but the outcome of our dedication...the act of success that people just don't get! I guess to me this is so normal I really don't see the big fuss, we are hardworking ordinary people living how we know to live, its not a choice, we made the kids now we have to feed them!

3) This is one of my problems, I assume the best of people, not the worst, and in the end I usually get hurt or bothered by the nasty action the person took. Hate is something I don't experience, I get disturbed and want to understand the why's, I guess jealousy since it is familiar to me (been battling this nasty quality off of my sis!) was what I first though of. I don't fear what my feelings are due to this person's action, I'm just sad and disappointed once more at the people in the world....I know.... this I need to change, or I'll be having lots and lots of life disappointments...don't worry, this has been my life, and still I believe there is always hope, even for the lost cases!

4) Never really cared too much about people's oppinion about me or anything I'm doing anyway...I know what I want and how to get it, just feel bad they can't see past the intimidating success.

5)I guess the pre-med stuff can have some ego altering influence on some people, but it has actually made me unrepresent myself. I know I purposedly underscore my life (family, acchievements...) so I don't come accross to someone as "look at miss smarty-can-do-it-all-pants!" I don't want to come across that way because that is not the kind of person I am. I just have tons of passion for what I do wheather its my family, kids, school, people..and always go beyond...I work very hard to be where I am. As I write this, I can see I have been giving myself less credit for what I do, for the benefit of a few measly people trying to connect with me... I get carried away with things, I don't understand ignorance and lazyness, and so I try to go that extra step to understand it. YES! this is absolutelly the least subject I should spend time on, but I guess it bothered me enough to post it. Eihter way, I'm glad I did, I guess reading your responces and what I have wrote (and writing )now made me realize, just the opposite of what some people thought. I'm NOT arrogant, I'm at the opposite side of arrogant, also not good.😳

So I thought to disconnect fb, but decided to try one last thing (I know...a few more lashes won't be so bad, just for the benefit of results😉)! the next person I get with a be friend request, I am going to accept and give false info, well not false just really downplayed, really an unambitious-like life info...lets see what this does....I'll let you know! Don't worry I'm not doing the same thing! I get it, I'm done belittleing myself!!!!! Just want to prove a point!

Thanks again for the support, you have all helped me realized a ton of things, even the nasty comments😀!

 

[momofj]

To the OP.....life may be more comfortable if you consider certain things:

1.) Facebook sucks.
Truly. If these people were your friends, they wouldn't have to find you via an online social network. Or, if they DID find you via this network, their first contact to you would not be "Hey, how is it going? What is new? What are your life plans?" It would be "OH MY GOD I lost your phone number and lost track of you. Give it to me right now and I will call you so we can get together." These are not the people who matter. Don't invest your energy in them.

2.) Sure, some people are jealous.....though jealousy is not really the word I would use. Uncomfortable with themselves, and you are making them realize this, maybe.
Someone told me a story once that I will never forget (and since I am not a fisherman in Maine, I can't vouch for its truth, but here it is). Apparently, when you catch crabs in a basket, they usually will just sit there. But every once in awhile, a crab will try to climb out. What do the other crabs do? THEY PULL IT BACK IN. Why? Well...it is a bold move, escaping. Applying to medical school and completely changing your circumstances is a bold move. It is scary, and a big deal. And there are a lot of people out there who would like to change their circumstances, but make excuses as to why they cannot, or really truly cannot. And these excuses get them through the day. But then, when they see someone else doing it, this breaks down all of their excuses and makes them feel small. So it is not that they actually want to go to medical school....not jealousy, really. Just....discomfort.

3.)Assuming jealousy is a dangerous road to go down.
It will make you hate everyone around you and miss out on some wonderful opportunities. Play it close to the vest, sure. But don't assume the worst from people. It will drive you crazy.

4.) As a lot of other people have said, the awkward silence is often not about you at all, but just that people don't get it. Again, if they don't get it, it means they don't know YOU, so their opinions don't matter.

5.) This pre-med stuff messes with your head.
Find ways to keep it from doing so. Realizing that most information in your life should be given on a need-to-know basis is a good start. Even if that means mis-information to peripheral people, if it keeps you sane, go for it. I've also found that if you just don't talk about yourself....people won't notice. It is VERY easy to not answer questions. People would rather talk about themselves.

Thanks again for the advise, I really need to back off this kind of energy...your name just reminded me on how much I miss yoga! Hav't gone in over 6 weeks!

 

[jl lin]

Rightpath. Nursing power structure resembles Stalinism. . . .All branches of government--except a collusive disinterested oligarchy of physicians--in my system are dominated by nurses. And former nurses. It's an incestuous circle f@ck which achieves it's perfection in the inculcation of it's own tribal values. . . . Or what happens to the lonely individual who by some accident of fate finds himself on the bad side of a corrupt Sheriff.

Ummm, hate to say it; but I've been in it for a long time. There's a lot of truth in that--especially the part about incestuousness and "the inculcation of its own tribal values." The last part about the corrupt Sheriff--too true man. Nas, thing is, I have yet to figure out the exact nature of this and the perpetuation of it. Is it about feeling socially "less than" somehow--nurses I mean?

 

[jl lin]

OP, really so many hit on it. I feel like one of those above that said basically they could care less. I agree about not letting others define me.

 

[tremulousNeedle]

Ummm, hate to say it; but I've been in it for a long time. There's a lot of truth in that--especially the part about incestuousness and "the inculcation of its own tribal values." The last part about the corrupt Sheriff--too true man. Nas, thing is, I have yet to figure out the exact nature of this and the perpetuation of it. Is it about feeling socially "less than" somehow--nurses I mean?

This is sort of funny. When I was interviewing for residency, one of the program directors was a nurse before becoming a physician. We got to talking about the vague differences between training in nursing and medicine.

Anyways, the biggest difference he could recall between his nursing training and his medical training was that (obviously a generalization) "nurses tend to eat their young." From how my wife and many friends described the experience, my wife, friends, and myself agree.

 

[icalz]

So true, I had this conversation with my husband last night and he said the same thing. I think 'm a bit naive about how people feel in the subject, I have a friend (who is an MD) and am so glad I we became friends, I guess I was hoping everyone else felt the same way. Like my hubby said we are cut from a different mold, and sometimes staying quiet or being as vague as possible is the best option. I do feel bad, because I consider myself a pretty simple and kind person, who would love to have more friendships.🙁 I guess we stick to our own kind!

IMO, that's the best advice in this thread. I went to the optometrist to get my eyes checked and he asked what I did...."i'm a student" was my first response. Then he asked what kind...."biology," I told him. I was hoping he would leave it at that, but no..."oh, what are you going to do after you graduate?" He's a perfect stranger to me and I didn't want to jinx my eye exam so "undecided" was my pat response. I'm glad I said that because he went into a lecture on my opportunities. The funniest thing he did was compare med school to optometry school...he said that you learn the exact same stuff in optometry school that you do in med school, but it's harder because you also have to learn about optics. I kept my well-practiced poker face on and just nodded..."interesting," I said.

 

[Lazarus]

IMO, that's the best advice in this thread. I went to the optometrist to get my eyes checked and he asked what I did...."i'm a student" was my first response. Then he asked what kind...."biology," I told him. I was hoping he would leave it at that, but no..."oh, what are you going to do after you graduate?" He's a perfect stranger to me and I didn't want to jinx my eye exam so "undecided" was my pat response. I'm glad I said that because he went into a lecture on my opportunities. The funniest thing he did was compare med school to optometry school...he said that you learn the exact same stuff in optometry school that you do in med school, but it's harder because you also have to learn about optics. I kept my well-practiced poker face on and just nodded..."interesting," I said.

I have normally been very good about being vague regarding similar questions. Basically I find any of the the gambit of responses leave a bitter taste in my mouth. It seems you either get:

A. Overwhelming support: in which cause I feel undeserving because anyone can be a postbac premed.

B.Underwhelming response: such as "oh neat", or "interesting" leaves me feeling like they ought to be more supportive if they know me better; or if it is not a close friend that they have more to say but are holding the punches.

C. Outright Negative: obviously nobody wants this, and of course I don't want anyone thinking I am cocky or full of myself (I greatly detest the mirror kissing pre-meds that think they defecate roses).

 

[glamqueen]

IMO, that's the best advice in this thread. I went to the optometrist to get my eyes checked and he asked what I did...."i'm a student" was my first response. Then he asked what kind...."biology," I told him. I was hoping he would leave it at that, but no..."oh, what are you going to do after you graduate?" He's a perfect stranger to me and I didn't want to jinx my eye exam so "undecided" was my pat response. I'm glad I said that because he went into a lecture on my opportunities. The funniest thing he did was compare med school to optometry school...he said that you learn the exact same stuff in optometry school that you do in med school, but it's harder because you also have to learn about optics. I kept my well-practiced poker face on and just nodded..."interesting," I said.

That's interesting he said that (haha), because one of my classmates is married to an optometrist, and while we were dissecting cadavers one day, I asked if his wife did this at all at optometry school. He said no, they focused on the eyes and optics and head/brain dissections. That's only one difference - there are many. They don't learn the same things at all. LOL.

 

[J ROD]

more than likely....yes

my best friend is jealous not matter what he says.....

we both are pharmacist...but he applied to MD before pharm school and did not get in.....I did.

I get more attention and he cant stand it.....he cant be second and when he is with me he is....

I dont even care about any of it.

 

[CreoleMD]

I'm so thankful for each person's response!

I've rediscovered the joys of privacy, and many of the posts here have confirmed my wishes to stop sharing/broadcasting so much even when prompted to do so.👍

Best wishes & G~D-speed to you all! 😀

 

[tennisfan]

IMO, that's the best advice in this thread. I went to the optometrist to get my eyes checked and he asked what I did...."i'm a student" was my first response. Then he asked what kind...."biology," I told him. I was hoping he would leave it at that, but no..."oh, what are you going to do after you graduate?" He's a perfect stranger to me and I didn't want to jinx my eye exam so "undecided" was my pat response. I'm glad I said that because he went into a lecture on my opportunities. The funniest thing he did was compare med school to optometry school...he said that you learn the exact same stuff in optometry school that you do in med school, but it's harder because you also have to learn about optics. I kept my well-practiced poker face on and just nodded..."interesting," I said.

Icalz, that's hilarious, my father is an ophthalmologist and I can't tell you how many times I've heard the distinction between an optometrist and an ophthalmologist. My dad has often said that many optometrists perform procedures that they are not qualified for and not trained in, and should not be doing. Anyways, i got a kick out your post! 🙂