bringing a significant other to pre-interview dinner

[AlmostAnMD]

I've seen only a few threads on this but usually in the context of a slightly different question. I see some users talking about bringing a significant other to dinner. But all my interview invites so far just say there is a dinner, no mention about just RSVPing for myself or myself +1.

One of the institutions I'm interviewing at, my fiancee is actually faculty there. Seemed like an okay idea to bring her but I don't want to just show up with her. Do I wait for pre-interview dinner instructions (do those get sent out? my first interview is in two weeks, not very close) or do I ask the coordinator if it's okay?

Or is it taboo to even ask if it's okay to bring a SO? Thoughts?

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[AlmostAnMD]

Well, not medical faculty, PhD in a different department.

If that makes a difference.

 

[IMPD]

Don't do it. The event is designed for you to meet residents and fellow applicants. It is not for your SO. It would stand out as a very awkward and cringe-worthy thing.

 

[AlmostAnMD]

oooookay

 

[organdonor]

Specialty dependent?

When I interviewed for family medicine my husband came to all the interview dinners he could make. About half of them. Many other significant others were represented at the dinners as well.

 

[Doctor Bagel]

Specialty dependent?

When I interviewed for family medicine my husband came to all the interview dinners he could make. About half of them. Many other significant others were represented at the dinners as well.

Yes, this. In psychiatry, inviting significant others is pretty normal, but I wouldn't assume someone is welcome unless it's specified on the invitation. My program did not invite significant others, for example, which I think was a budget issue. Not to say people didn't sometimes bring significant others, but our dinners weren't really set up for it. Not to say that anyone's spot on the rank list was likely affected by that. I remember interviewing at other places where it was specifically mentioned on the invitation that you could bring a partner. I suspect you'll get more information about the dinner as it gets closer. They normally do want an RSVP to make reservations and figure out how much food to have available.

 

[URHere]

Specialty dependent?

When I interviewed for family medicine my husband came to all the interview dinners he could make. About half of them. Many other significant others were represented at the dinners as well.

I second this. Every single interview invitation I have received has explicitly stated that significant others are welcome at the dinners. If your specialty didn't mention it, I don't think it would hurt you to email the program coordinator to see what the deal is.

 

[22031 Alum]

At my program, significant others - and children- are welcome at our dinners.

 

[Crayola227]

Sometimes it makes you appear more serious about that particular program and can make it easy to work into convo why

"My spouse's family lives nearby so they were excited for the chance to visit, and get to know my potential coworkers and their partners." Or "My spouse really wanted to get a feel for the area and the food here. We're loving it!"

At least on my interviews programs seemed obsessed on selling the area and the program peeps and culture, often moreso than any other factor. So playing into that seemed to help. Beem told many times residency is a region game.

Be sure the two of you don't ignore the room for your private world of two.

Depending on specialty it's common and OK to ask. Some places it's a question of them paying for their own dinner.

 

[AlmostAnMD]

Some mixed messages here :/

I think unless a program (well, namely my #1) specifically mentions bringing someone I'll probably just go by myself. She's certainly my better half and if she did anything to my application she would help it (or worst case, do nothing to it).

I didn't really want to bring her because she's faculty at the place I want to go to, as much as I wanted to bring her to the dinner of the place I want to go to, because, well, it's the place I want to go to and the one I'd take the the most seriously. If these residents are going to be like family for the next three years they may as well meet mine. That was my thinking, anyway.

But yeah, anyway I'll just see if they say anything about it.

 

[RadOncDoc21]

My program would have definitely saw it as a budget issue... an extra mouth to feed!

 

[doc05]

SouthernSurgeon is right.

Another thing to consider:

if she's faculty (even in another department) it's a bit risky.

and what if she's the only spouse who shows up? For many applicants/residents, the SO will be working/watching the kids/unable to travel/nonexistent. It si impossible to predict how many spouses will actually show up, so you run the risk that she's the only spouse there, which can make for a very awkward dynamic.

As suggested above, I'd advise avoiding all unnecessary variables; safest that she stays home. Good luck.

 

[gutonc]

I kind of fall in the middle. If they specifically say that spouses/SOs are invited, and your person isn't a sociopath, then go for it. If they don't say anything, and your spouse is traveling with you to check the place out (because they're going to have to get a job in that town), then ask the PC about it.

But your specific question, about bringing her to the dinner at the program where she already works? I don't see the point. If SOs are specifically invited, then great. But it's not like she needs to learn anything about the institution or the city.

 

[atomi]

Even if the program specifically says it's ok to bring your SO and your husband/wife is not faculty or anybody that might represent any conflict of interest, I still wouldn't do it. You have everything to lose and nothing to gain. If you can't go a few hours without your partner or don't trust each other enough to be ok with each other going to public events alone, you have bigger problems.

 

[Crayola227]

I kind of fall in the middle. If they specifically say that spouses/SOs are invited, and your person isn't a sociopath, then go for it. If they don't say anything, and your spouse is traveling with you to check the place out (because they're going to have to get a job in that town), then ask the PC about it.

But your specific question, about bringing her to the dinner at the program where she already works? I don't see the point. If SOs are specifically invited, then great. But it's not like she needs to learn anything about the institution or the city.

One of the most balanced posts I've ever seen from @gutonc

I think if you consider all the advice here and go with his, you'll be fine
Just give it thought, but it's really not a big deal to bring them, I think it should be encouraged

My specialty and the programs I interviewed at really encouraged it, there was plenty of turn out, and even if my partner was the only one there everyone seemed really excited to talk to us, it made things less awkward and injected some non-shop talk into the mix

Anytime a resident is at a bar or restaurant having a beer talking to someone intelligent NOT from their program or an interviewee, I think it's a treat
We don't get to interact with humans as humans most of the time

 

[Dral]

Typically weird to do in my specialty.

However, the place where I am now takes candidates with their sig others out to dinner...mainly for the sig other. But this is for job interviews and it's only the faculty, candidate, and sig other...not other candidates.

 

[Law2Doc]

Unless they explicitly say bring your spouse, there are Multiple reasons not to do it.
(1) it's a big budget issue at some places.
(2) this dinner is actually part of the interview at some places -- the residents vote carries a lot of weight -- you will be meeting future colleagues, and vice versa. And having a spouse there changes the dynamic, much as bringing your spouse to the after work happy hour to hang out with your work friends would.
(3) I've seen it hurt applicants in either of two ways. Either the residents don't hit it off with your spouse and it hurts your standing or your spouse outshines you and they come away saying "too bad we can't just rank the spouse".
(4) part of doing well in the interview process is managing the situation. It's a marketing meeting, a sales call. Playing up things that put you in the best light, playing down things that don't. Seeming excited about an opportunity but not desperate and begging for it. It's a careful balancing act we all walk and having your spouse there is just one more aspect you can't keep tabs on.

There will be plenty of opportunities for your spouse to meet everyone once you start work. IMHO, having been on both sides of these events, it's just not a strong move.

 

[VenusinFurs]

Hey so...

If your spouse is going to be relocating with you and the program has the money to feed you both and invites your spouse, I think it ABSOLUTELY appropriate to bring your spouse. They may want to get a sense of what you are getting into if they are going to be uprooting their life for you. I mean, if you are embarrassed by your spouse or feel like they overshadow you in social situations where you are supposed to shine I think that is probably a relationship issue.

 

[RadOncDoc21]

Why stop at spouse, let's bring the kids!

 

[organdonor]

Why stop at spouse, let's bring the kids!

I did. He was only a few weeks old at the time but yeah. I needed to bring my wife to see a few programs and they were a package deal.

 

[WingedOx]

I'll agree with anyone who said it's risky. The risk of your SO rubbing someone the wrong way is greater than any benefit they'd provide to people's impression of you. We've had SOs at our dinners and it's fine, but when I go to the dinner I'm there for two reasons.

1. free food because I'm a cheap resident
2. to meet YOU. I'm not there to make small talk with whoever you brought along

 

[Crayola227]

Seriously depends on the specialty, the particular program culture, and your situation.
Some programs it was practically weird not to have your SO there with you.... I've been to the ones where the kids came too!

Some of the PDs and interviewers the next day said, "I heard your SO made it to the dinner last night." Which segued into why I was uber serious about the program.

I could see the little notes they were jotting down as we chatted, "SO has blank ties here" and underlined my name strongly with multiple penstrokes. Followed up by "let us know if you two want to come here, we'll rank you to match."

 

[RadOncDoc21]

Pets?

 

[Crayola227]

I went to an outdoor dinner where a few residents brought their dog, although I recognize that doesn't count since it wasn't the interviewees. I'm sure it's happened though.

 

[22031 Alum]

Yeah, we draw the line at bringing pets. But small children can be like pets, so....

 

[Wordead]

If an applicant brings a really cute puppy to their interview this year, I'm gonna advocate for them.

 

[Law2Doc]

Pets?

this is an interview, not show and tell.

It's bad enough if your spouse outshines you but do you really want residents saying they'd rather work with your goldfish than you?

 

[SXMMD]

this is an interview, not show and tell.

It's bad enough if your spouse outshines you but do you really want residents saying they'd rather work with your goldfish than you?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. "Hi, yes, my goldfish and I are couples matching. We are a package deal."

 

[Crayola227]

Some programs I interviewed at the residents brought their homosexual significant others. I know some of my classmates did at their interviews. Like everything, politics. Seemed to help some places to have that kind of diversity. Maybe not at other places. Dunno.

Bring your same sex goldfish romantic life partner and your adopted kids.

 

[Doctor Bagel]

Some programs I interviewed at the residents brought their homosexual significant others. I know some of my classmates did at their interviews. Like everything, politics. Seemed to help some places to have that kind of diversity. Maybe not at other places. Dunno.

Bring your same sex goldfish romantic life partner and your adopted kids.

Wouldn't do it if you're applying at In His Image Family Medicine residency in Tulsa, Oklahoma, for example. Of course you probably wouldn't be applying to that program if you had a same-sex partner. Would have been totally fine at the place I trained at except for the whole we don't invite partners to our dinners thing.

Personally I think bringing kids would be annoying because when people bring their kids they have to spend a lot of time paying attention to them and not talking to other people, and talking to residents is the whole reason why you got to the dinner. But that gets to the whole thing that this is all specialty and location/program specific. For example, I wouldn't be surprised if bringing kids is totally done at that In His Image program, which btw is a real program.

 

[evilbooyaa]

What if you date somebody from your med school, and go as the SO to all the other person's interview dinners? Double the free food for both of you! Awww yeah.

 

[eastcoastdr]

I think its definitely program dependent... My residency program always says applicants are welcome to bring their SO. Our program is very family friendly and many of the residents bring their SOs to the applicant dinners too. If the program says SOs are welcome then bring your SO if you want to. If the invite doesn't mention anything about +1s, then I would just go solo.

 

[Crayola227]

I think its definitely program dependent... My residency program always says applicants are welcome to bring their SO. Our program is very family friendly and many of the residents bring their SOs to the applicant dinners too. If the program says SOs are welcome then bring your SO if you want to. If the invite doesn't mention anything about +1s, then I would just go solo.

So, you mean reading the instructions and taking them at face value? No way!

 

[alpinism]

What if you date somebody from your med school, and go as the SO to all the other person's interview dinners? Double the free food for both of you! Awww yeah.

Actually had this happen at one of my interviews in Texas.

One of the other applicants brought his girlfriend who was interviewing for FM the next day at the same hospital. The pre-interview dinners ended up being at the same restaurant at the same time. They spent half the night with us at the EM table and the other half of the night at the FM table upstairs.

 

[DrBowtie]

Did you think why not just split up and spend the whole dinner with the program they applied for?

 

[Arcan57]

Did you think why not just split up and spend the whole dinner with the program they applied for?

Maybe they had the insight to realize they were "better in small doses" people?

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

Oh good grief.
It's really a non-issue.
If you want to being an SO, bring an SO. Just be sure he/she can behave, not get drunk, and not take your spotlight

 

[Law2Doc]

...
It's really a non-issue...

A bunch of us are saying yes it actually can be an issue some places, for reasons outlined above. Not sure why you bumped a month old thread just to add some very questionable advice. The "good grief" comment should be reserved for those who feel they can't spend an hour away from their spouse as they try to land a job. This at some places is very much a part of the interview process and should be treated as such, not a night out on the town with your SO. You have 300+ other nights of the year you can do that.

 

[Law2Doc]

... If the program says SOs are welcome then bring your SO if you want to. If the invite doesn't mention anything about +1s, then I would just go solo.

As mentioned, even if you are explicitly "permitted" to bring a SO, there may be very good strategic reasons not to. Your goal is to get a job, not a free night out.

 

[AlmostAnMD]

So

as the guy that made this topic, I may as well update it since someone bumped it

I actually went and did the dinner alone since I never got an email specifically inviting significant others. She went with me on other interview dinners, though (just not the most important one).

Though oddly enough one of the residents casually asked where she was when she found out she's in town and I told her about not being sure about bringing her and a few residents encouraged me to bring her in via uber. I didn't, but it was nice they offered--by that time she had made other plans.

 

[J ROD]

Well, I thought I might as well add my opinion as well. Since I just finished interviewing.
I took my finance whenever I could. Some programs said in their email it was fine and others I asked. Only one said due to the size of their interview group it was not feasible and that was fine.
I see it as a process where I am interviewing the program as well. SO, if I am not allowed to bring basically my wife who will be affected as well. Then, that could be a problem for me. I look for family friendly programs. Not going to show me that with that attitude. Because I am not going anywhere she does not sign off. So, I think it is good for her to hear what the area has to offer etc. And if you are saying it is an issue, then don't rank me at your program. I am good. Thanks. But I am applying for Psychiatry where folks are nicer.

 

[togaedere]

This thread made me realize how program/specialty dependent this is. I applied med-peds and took my fiancé to as many dinners as he was able to go to (he came to 9 total, luckily had the flexibility to do so). Lots of SO's on the trail, and he always felt welcome. Program coordinators always mentioned that +1s were encouraged to attend. He's not in medicine so he brought that to the table as well. So I guess anyone reading this thread during next year's cycle just know some programs are more encouraging of this particular thing than others?

So

as the guy that made this topic, I may as well update it since someone bumped it

I actually went and did the dinner alone since I never got an email specifically inviting significant others. She went with me on other interview dinners, though (just not the most important one).

Though oddly enough one of the residents casually asked where she was when she found out she's in town and I told her about not being sure about bringing her and a few residents encouraged me to bring her in via uber. I didn't, but it was nice they offered--by that time she had made other plans.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

A bunch of us are saying yes it actually can be an issue some places, for reasons outlined above. Not sure why you bumped a month old thread just to add some very questionable advice. The "good grief" comment should be reserved for those who feel they can't spend an hour away from their spouse as they try to land a job. This at some places is very much a part of the interview process and should be treated as such, not a night out on the town with your SO. You have 300+ other nights of the year you can do that.

You do realize that those with an SO bring them so that their SO can see the area too. It impacts them as much as it does the person interviewing. If the program says no, then don't bring. If they said it's fine, just be sure they will behave and not make a scene.

 

[Law2Doc]

you do realize that those with an SO bring them so that their SO can see the area too. It impacts them as much as it does the person interviewing. If the program says no, then don't bring. If they said it's fine, just be sure they will behave and not make a scene.

They can "see the area" without attending the dinner. The dinner is part of the interview. It's not a "check out the city". There are numerous strategic reasons you want to be the sole focus of the interview, have the residents get to know you one on one, and control how you pitch yourself. It's not enough that they don't make a scene, they have to contribute to the residency wanting you or it's a big negative. For this reason id say avoid this. Of course if we are talking about relatively noncompetitive fields it might not make a difference, but if you are trying to close a more difficult deal having someone else in tow probably is not ideal.

Where I did residency spouses weren't explicitly invited -- the dinner was very much a part of the interview, residents has some weight in terms of how applicants ultimately got ranked, and budget for these dinners was very much a concern. While that may not be the case everywhere, it is the case more than some of you guys think

 

[scootad.]

In any other field it would be asinine to bring your spouse to a job interview. Do you think people going into investment banking or government jobs bring wives/GFs to their interviews? Of course not. Even if they explicitly say significant others are welcome, personally I'd err on the side of not doing it. Too risky.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

They can "see the area" without attending the dinner. The dinner is part of the interview. It's not a "check out the city". There are numerous strategic reasons you want to be the sole focus of the interview, have the residents get to know you one on one, and control how you pitch yourself. It's not enough that they don't make a scene, they have to contribute to the residency wanting you or it's a big negative. For this reason id say avoid this. Of course if we are talking about relatively noncompetitive fields it might not make a difference, but if you are trying to close a more difficult deal having someone else in tow probably is not ideal.

Where I did residency spouses weren't explicitly invited -- the dinner was very much a part of the interview, residents has some weight in terms of how applicants ultimately got ranked, and budget for these dinners was very much a concern. While that may not be the case everywhere, it is the case more than some of you guys think

I think its very specialty dependent. My FM and my wife's IM dinners all had spouses in attendance. I suspect peds would be similar.

Its no surprise the the surgical fields (and their representatives here) are more anti-spouse since we all know that the ideal surgeon has no family to distract him

 

[J ROD]

At the dinner, some of the residents "might" mention what the area is like and what there is to do. Like if you have kids, want to buy/rent a house, things their spouses do, etc.

Some things the SO can't get while just looking around an area for a day or two without a tour guide or first hand knowledge.

It sounds residency specific but I think it is important for me in making a decision. I don't want an unhappy spouse.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

In any other field it would be asinine to bring your spouse to a job interview. Do you think people going into investment banking or government jobs bring wives/GFs to their interviews? Of course not. Even if they explicitly say significant others are welcome, personally I'd err on the side of not doing it. Too risky.

Gov't jobs not bringing their SO?
I-banking not bringing their SO?

You're right. They're bringing escorts.

 

[Law2Doc]

Gov't jobs not bringing their SO?
I-banking not bringing their SO?

You're right. They're bringing escorts.

Not to the job interview. Maybe to the X mas party...

 

[NotAProgDirector]

In any other field it would be asinine to bring your spouse to a job interview. Do you think people going into investment banking or government jobs bring wives/GFs to their interviews? Of course not. Even if they explicitly say significant others are welcome, personally I'd err on the side of not doing it. Too risky.

My wife has been invited to the dinner before all of my interviews for jobs. She often declines because she finds them boring. If she does come, then some other spouses tend to come also. So, no, she would never come to the interview day itself, but coming to the dinner the night beforehand is fine if invited. Could a spouse make some sort of a big scene and cause you problems? Of course. Could they charm other people and make them like you more also? Of course.