Burnout?

[ExcitatorySynapse]

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I would appreciate any insight on this situation. I graduated from an elite private university this last Spring and am applying to MD/PhD programs this cycle, as an international student. My last semester was very demanding (6.5 classes), my summer taxing - intense, brief, but focused preparation for my MCAT, volunteering, shadowing, applying. I moved several times, the last across the continent, to accept a research internship in a field that I was new to, with a respected scientist. I mentioned that I would be working here on my applications.

I've not been here for long. But lately, I've found I cannot sleep. I've had more sleepless nights in the last 6 weeks than I have had my entire life. I have minimal desire to eat, faltering concentration, disinterest in everything, a proclivity towards moments of despondence. When I went to exercise, I became easily fatigued, had a hard time breathing, and began throwing up. I have tried to dose myself with melatonin to sleep, but it is not working. I have a history of depression due to childhood trauma, but it had been successfully treated for the 9 months or so with medication and CBT. Regardless, I have never felt like this before. I am far from my friends and family, and as of this moment do not have insurance, though I may be able to get it, depending on some paperwork going through. The organization that is funding me is seemingly supportive, and I think the lab that I'm with is as well. Still, I feel like I just want to go home, but I am unsure how this will impact my relations with the lab, and my application cycle, and I think it is a drastic step.

I am at a loss for what to do, or how to respond, and would appreciate any insight from people with greater life experience. I feel like I am earnestly going mad and none of the solutions that I have tried seem to be working. Thanks!

 

[AttemptingScholar]

I think you know the answer, my friend. You need your health before you can start helping the health of others, and you should be able to handle stressful situations and large workloads while maintaining health, or the next decade or so of your life will be very hard for you.

Not all is lost--it's possible you just need a break or to dial back your time commitment. This problem can be solved! But I don't think it can be survived--don't hope it goes away. An Md/PhD isn't going to help burnout. And I do agree it is burnout.

You've done incredibly well so far in focusing on your studies. See if you can get insurance, see if you can get a little more time for you. Do you have a support network in the area? If not, call home a lot. If it becomes unbearable, get out. Are you going home over winter? Do you have any large breaks in work coming up?

Good luck!

 

[ExcitatorySynapse]

I think you know the answer, my friend. You need your health before you can start helping the health of others, and you should be able to handle stressful situations and large workloads while maintaining health, or the next decade or so of your life will be very hard for you.

Not all is lost--it's possible you just need a break or to dial back your time commitment. This problem can be solved! But I don't think it can be survived--don't hope it goes away. An Md/PhD isn't going to help burnout. And I do agree it is burnout.

You've done incredibly well so far in focusing on your studies. See if you can get insurance, see if you can get a little more time for you. Do you have a support network in the area? If not, call home a lot. If it becomes unbearable, get out. Are you going home over winter? Do you have any large breaks in work coming up?

Good luck!

Thanks for your response. Ironically, this is the least stressed I have been in the last 5 years or so. My university was really crazy. Now? Just a job, have my own place, but nothing seems to be working. I've taken the last 2 days off but I feel like I'm just going in circles. I talk to my friends and family fairly regularly, but I just can't shake these symptoms. It's definitely not for a lack of wanting to. :-/
I'm flying to the East coast for an interview in a couple of weeks and will stay there for thanksgiving, but nothing beyond that. I'm thinking of trying to go to some walk in clinic.

 

[Zacky]

So sorry to hear about your situation!

1. Treat yourself more often! Buy some food that you enjoy eating. Or if you like to cook, make something special for yourself. Treat yourself to a cozy movie night. Explore the area that you've recently moved to. Have a walk through a nearby park or settle down in a local cafe. Make small everyday activities into something to look forward to. That way, after you end work, you can feel excited about the rest of your day. Set little 'treats' for yourself throughout the week so that you can look forward to the upcoming days.

2. Avoid browsing premed forums. Find a new hobby, or keep busy with your research, or make more plans with your colleagues/friends. I've previously found myself browsing these forums every day. It would fuel by worries and make me think, "What if I did this instead? What if I applied earlier? What if, what if..." At the end of the day, browsing through these forums will not increase our likelihood of receiving an interview/acceptance in the email. Perhaps refresh your email a few times a day, but avoid spending too much time on the forums because it doesn't result in productivity and it is ultimately everyone's own journey.

3. I've had trouble sleeping before exams/big life events. I've found exercise/strength training to be effective in allowing me to feel tired and fall asleep more quickly. Get in both some cardio and weights so that you have a nice sweat going and that your muscles ache slightly when you go to bed. Also, try to do something relaxing in the 1-2 hours before bed. I've found that the main reason I have trouble falling asleep is because my mind wanders while I'm laying in bed. Therefore, avoid browsing the premed forums/ponder upon your life or what you could have done differently. Maybe watch a show or read a book or take a shower.

Hope this helps a little and lemme know if you need anything.

 

[Goro]

I would appreciate any insight on this situation. I graduated from an elite private university this last Spring and am applying to MD/PhD programs this cycle, as an international student. My last semester was very demanding (6.5 classes), my summer taxing - intense, brief, but focused preparation for my MCAT, volunteering, shadowing, applying. I moved several times, the last across the continent, to accept a research internship in a field that I was new to, with a respected scientist. I mentioned that I would be working here on my applications.

I've not been here for long. But lately, I've found I cannot sleep. I've had more sleepless nights in the last 6 weeks than I have had my entire life. I have minimal desire to eat, faltering concentration, disinterest in everything, a proclivity towards moments of despondence. When I went to exercise, I became easily fatigued, had a hard time breathing, and began throwing up. I have tried to dose myself with melatonin to sleep, but it is not working. I have a history of depression due to childhood trauma, but it had been successfully treated for the 9 months or so with medication and CBT. Regardless, I have never felt like this before. I am far from my friends and family, and as of this moment do not have insurance, though I may be able to get it, depending on some paperwork going through. The organization that is funding me is seemingly supportive, and I think the lab that I'm with is as well. Still, I feel like I just want to go home, but I am unsure how this will impact my relations with the lab, and my application cycle, and I think it is a drastic step.

I am at a loss for what to do, or how to respond, and would appreciate any insight from people with greater life experience. I feel like I am earnestly going mad and none of the solutions that I have tried seem to be working. Thanks!

Go see a doctor ASAP.

 

[yellowballoon]

I would appreciate any insight on this situation. I graduated from an elite private university this last Spring and am applying to MD/PhD programs this cycle, as an international student. My last semester was very demanding (6.5 classes), my summer taxing - intense, brief, but focused preparation for my MCAT, volunteering, shadowing, applying. I moved several times, the last across the continent, to accept a research internship in a field that I was new to, with a respected scientist. I mentioned that I would be working here on my applications.

I've not been here for long. But lately, I've found I cannot sleep. I've had more sleepless nights in the last 6 weeks than I have had my entire life. I have minimal desire to eat, faltering concentration, disinterest in everything, a proclivity towards moments of despondence. When I went to exercise, I became easily fatigued, had a hard time breathing, and began throwing up. I have tried to dose myself with melatonin to sleep, but it is not working. I have a history of depression due to childhood trauma, but it had been successfully treated for the 9 months or so with medication and CBT. Regardless, I have never felt like this before. I am far from my friends and family, and as of this moment do not have insurance, though I may be able to get it, depending on some paperwork going through. The organization that is funding me is seemingly supportive, and I think the lab that I'm with is as well. Still, I feel like I just want to go home, but I am unsure how this will impact my relations with the lab, and my application cycle, and I think it is a drastic step.

I am at a loss for what to do, or how to respond, and would appreciate any insight from people with greater life experience. I feel like I am earnestly going mad and none of the solutions that I have tried seem to be working. Thanks!

Depression often reappears even after successful treatment. I highly suggest you follow up with a doctor about how you're feeling. There are also sliding scale therapy offices if insurance is a problem; at least having an outlet for your thoughts and feelings may help you get through this. Is your research institution affiliated with a hospital? There may be some resources available to you there.

In the mean while, here are some of my own suggestions:

1. For sleep troubles, consider not doing other activities on your bed other than sleeping/resting. Your room temperature may also be a problem. Maybe run the air conditioner at night or move your bed to a colder area in your room (preferably windows if you reside in a cooler region).
2. Have you tried mindfulness exercises? Block out a few minutes or an hour or so per day and do something to help focus your feelings and pull you our of your headspace. I personally like to make tea with lemon slices and fresh ginger or catch up on my recreational reading.
3. Is it possible to make new friends outside of your lab? Maybe attend a grad student mixer, holiday party, etc? Making a new friend might ease some of your homesickness and make you feel more comfortable with your new home.

 

[AtlasSonOfIapetus]

1. See a doctor. I don't have any other advice.

One thing I do want to mention is that going outside and spending time in nature, seeing the light of the sun, green light from trees, etc. can have a surprisingly significant effect on mood and sleep. Going barefoot on grass while doing this may be important for reasons I won't go into right now. While there, doing deep, slow breathing may also be important.

I don't have time to go through the evidence for all this here. If you're skeptical about this, do some research about patient recovery times when the patient faces a window looking out on a forest, effect of bright light therapy on patients with major depressive disorder but not seasonal affective disorder, effect of bright blue/green/white light during the day and darkness at night on cortisol and melatonin rhythm, yada yada yada.

If you're in a part of the country where winter happens, this is trickier. Other potential wintertime mood boosters and circadian rhythm synchronizers that you could discuss with your doctor and that are at least somewhat supported by the evidence include sauna and bright light therapy. Many gyms have saunas, and grocery stores like Fred Meyers sell very bright blue-spectrum LED lights for about $19 for two. You could also make sure the free program flux is installed on all your computers, Night Shift Mode is on your iPhone, etc, you darken your bed room as much as possible at least two hours before bed and sleep with an eye mask, the room is cool enough at night, etc.

A doctor could rule out underlying physical causes. Your doctor might want to test your levels of at least vitamin D3, vitamin B12, homocysteine, CRP, zinc, copper/zinc ratio, and I'm sure other ones I'm not aware of or thinking of right now.

Please note that even doing all of this is not a substitute for taking other important and necessary steps to take care of yourself, most importantly seeing a doctor. I don't know how going home would affect your app or you. Nor is anything I've said here advice of any kind, except for the part to see a doc, which there are ways to do even without insurance or much money as others mentioned.

 

[wb100]

1. See a doc.
2. Start a hobby. I started drawing and doing artsy stuff (painting, ceramics, knitting) and it has really helped me to relax and get my mind off everything. You can spend hours lost and concentrated on what you're doing in front of you.

 

[ExcitatorySynapse]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts! I am having some kind of appointment tomorrow and then will happily be getting insurance in the next few days, so yay. I think that will really help.
@Zacky, thanks for the 'treat' yourself suggestion. I have been trying that, but I feel like I have very low interest in the stuff I've attempted, e.g. favourite food, but maybe based on @AtlasSonOfIapetus 's comments, I will make going outside more of a thing. I live in a very sunny place with no winter, so that should help. I've been trying to stay away from these forums, and to broadly be positive. I think less computer time overall will be good, maybe more reading. I was trying to get back into working out safely, with the supervision of a trainer, so I suppose I will persist with that.
@yellowballoon , I do think it gets hot or cold sometimes, which is not helpful. I am hesitant to open my windows because I have found spiders in my house despite being obsessively clean, but I guess I'll risk it. An AC would cost like 500$. I will try on the mindfulness and making friends, but it is hard since everyone I work with is 10+ years older than me.
@wb100 I bought myself legos to try and do that and I just had no energy. I used to love them, but now I feel like there's nothing to 'dream about', nothing that sparks my imagination. But I'll have to keep on keeping on, I suppose.
Thanks again, I will really try these suggestions. My own solutions have not been working as of now, so I appreciate new insight.

 

[wb100]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts! I am having some kind of appointment tomorrow and then will happily be getting insurance in the next few days, so yay. I think that will really help.
@Zacky, thanks for the 'treat' yourself suggestion. I have been trying that, but I feel like I have very low interest in the stuff I've attempted, e.g. favourite food, but maybe based on @AtlasSonOfIapetus 's comments, I will make going outside more of a thing. I live in a very sunny place with no winter, so that should help. I've been trying to stay away from these forums, and to broadly be positive. I think less computer time overall will be good, maybe more reading. I was trying to get back into working out safely, with the supervision of a trainer, so I suppose I will persist with that.
@yellowballoon , I do think it gets hot or cold sometimes, which is not helpful. I am hesitant to open my windows because I have found spiders in my house despite being obsessively clean, but I guess I'll risk it. An AC would cost like 500$. I will try on the mindfulness and making friends, but it is hard since everyone I work with is 10+ years older than me.
@wb100 I bought myself legos to try and do that and I just had no energy. I used to love them, but now I feel like there's nothing to 'dream about', nothing that sparks my imagination. But I'll have to keep on keeping on, I suppose.
Thanks again, I will really try these suggestions. My own solutions have not been working as of now, so I appreciate new insight.

Wishing you the best of luck! Remember, it's ok to take a (long) break to focus on yourself.

 

[Medic741]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts! I am having some kind of appointment tomorrow and then will happily be getting insurance in the next few days, so yay. I think that will really help.
@Zacky, thanks for the 'treat' yourself suggestion. I have been trying that, but I feel like I have very low interest in the stuff I've attempted, e.g. favourite food, but maybe based on @AtlasSonOfIapetus 's comments, I will make going outside more of a thing. I live in a very sunny place with no winter, so that should help. I've been trying to stay away from these forums, and to broadly be positive. I think less computer time overall will be good, maybe more reading. I was trying to get back into working out safely, with the supervision of a trainer, so I suppose I will persist with that.
@yellowballoon , I do think it gets hot or cold sometimes, which is not helpful. I am hesitant to open my windows because I have found spiders in my house despite being obsessively clean, but I guess I'll risk it. An AC would cost like 500$. I will try on the mindfulness and making friends, but it is hard since everyone I work with is 10+ years older than me.
@wb100 I bought myself legos to try and do that and I just had no energy. I used to love them, but now I feel like there's nothing to 'dream about', nothing that sparks my imagination. But I'll have to keep on keeping on, I suppose.
Thanks again, I will really try these suggestions. My own solutions have not been working as of now, so I appreciate new insight.

Do you play any sports or do anything athletic?

 

[ExcitatorySynapse]

Do you play any sports or do anything athletic?

I used to lift pretty regularly, with some HIIT, but I haven't done sports properly since high school. Like to watch them though (see avatar 😀 ).

 

[MyOdyssey]

I used to lift pretty regularly, with some HIIT, but I haven't done sports properly since high school. Like to watch them though (see avatar 😀 ).

Would you still feel burned out if Yuna Kim were still skating competitively or if she hadn't been robbed at the Sochi Olympics?

 

[ExcitatorySynapse]

Would you still feel burned out if Yuna Kim were still skating competitively or if she hadn't been robbed at the Sochi Olympics?

Well, it would be quite the pick me up! 😀
I know that you're kidding, but more seriously, I am happy for her retirement, because it seems she really needed it - she said she just felt relief after finishing Adios Nonino - and she had been dealing with many injuries and lots of pressure for a long time. That being said, IF she had won the Sochi gold, her retirement would've definitely felt less tragic.
Either way, she really is one of the most inspirational people that I can think of, and her performances cheer me up even on hard days. Long live the Queen!

 

[deleted862527]

See your GP. It could be anything. Vitamin B12 deficiency (which could also cause depression, etc).

It sounds more likely it is due to your depression, which is also culminating into possibly anxiety symptoms as well. Depression and Anxiety are both different conditions, but can have a single causal factor that 'activates' both pathologies. 6.5 classes is tough along with all the other stuff you got going on. It would make anyone burned out.

Depression also can lead to insomnia, and you probably are losing interest in activities you may have once found enjoyable (exercise, etc) and you do not even realize it. Depression is a sneaky illness.

Take care of yourself. Realize that you are not superhuman and that impressing AdComs with a highly competitive resume is not the only purpose for life. Not trying to sound harsh, but if you do believe this way it will only get worse. I wish you the best and hope your health matters get resolved.

 

[MyOdyssey]

Well, it would be quite the pick me up! 😀
I know that you're kidding, but more seriously, I am happy for her retirement, because it seems she really needed it - she said she just felt relief after finishing Adios Nonino - and she had been dealing with many injuries and lots of pressure for a long time. That being said, IF she had won the Sochi gold, her retirement would've definitely felt less tragic.
Either way, she really is one of the most inspirational people that I can think of, and her performances cheer me up even on hard days. Long live the Queen!

It seems you and the Queen have something in common in terms of dealing with tremendous pressure over a sustained period of time.

Sochi was a tragedy not only because of the obvious home crowd favoritism that led to Yuna Kim being robbed but also because both Kim and Mao Asada deserved to finish their competitive careers with one final showdown, which never materialized.

 

[precisiongraphic]

Go see a doctor ASAP.

Yes.

You said that you don't have insurance so if that is the barrier, go to the student health clinic on campus and tell them. I hope that they can find you a licensed professional to see either free or a reduced price or sliding scale based on income.

Please get help.

 

[ExcitatorySynapse]

See your GP. It could be anything. Vitamin B12 deficiency (which could also cause depression, etc).
It sounds more likely it is due to your depression, which is also culminating into possibly anxiety symptoms as well. Depression and Anxiety are both different conditions, but can have a single causal factor that 'activates' both pathologies. 6.5 classes is tough along with all the other stuff you got going on. It would make anyone burned out.
Depression also can lead to insomnia, and you probably are losing interest in activities you may have once found enjoyable (exercise, etc) and you do not even realize it. Depression is a sneaky illness.
Take care of yourself. Realize that you are not superhuman and that impressing AdComs with a highly competitive resume is not the only purpose for life. Not trying to sound harsh, but if you do believe this way it will only get worse. I wish you the best and hope your health matters get resolved.

Thank you for your advi e. I have been previously diagnosed with anxiety but never received any medication for it, just CBT. I think you are right about losing interest. Before things got really bad (Summer 2017) and I was put on medication, I used to work out really diligently and then just lost all the energy for it. Although I've kept taking my AD, I think I need to get back on CBT ASAP and try to talk through things. It always surprises me (kind of idiotically, I suppose) how much our thoughts influence our wellbeing; we really are not that rational. As for the adcoms, that was me four years ago, but now I'm more stuck at what gives life meaning at all. It's hard for me to pinpoint anything right now.

It seems you and the Queen have something in common in terms of dealing with tremendous pressure over a sustained period of time.
Sochi was a tragedy not only because of the obvious home crowd favoritism that led to Yuna Kim being robbed but also because both Kim and Mao Asada deserved to finish their competitive careers with one final showdown, which never materialized.

I wish I was half as mentally sound as the Queen. She is such a legend, to carry her nation on her back for countless years, and with so much grace. But I totally agree with you about the horrendous judging (that seemingly hasn't improved over the last four years) and with the Mao/Yuna conclusion. It's honestly disgraceful that Mao did not receive higher scores for her FS, I just re-watched it after reading your comment, and her last step sequence gives me goosebumps. What a champion!

Yes.
You said that you don't have insurance so if that is the barrier, go to the student health clinic on campus and tell them. I hope that they can find you a licensed professional to see either free or a reduced price or sliding scale based on income.
Please get help.

One of my parents recently became employed in the US, so I think I can get insurance and treatment soon. I actually went to a clinic for the uninsured/low income and had an evaluation scheduled, but I figured I shouldn't get it done if I will have to get it re-done. I think I didn't realize how much effort I still needed to put into managing these things, since I had been improving.

 

[precisiongraphic]

Thank you for your advi e. I have been previously diagnosed with anxiety but never received any medication for it, just CBT. I think you are right about losing interest. Before things got really bad (Summer 2017) and I was put on medication, I used to work out really diligently and then just lost all the energy for it. Although I've kept taking my AD, I think I need to get back on CBT ASAP and try to talk through things. It always surprises me (kind of idiotically, I suppose) how much our thoughts influence our wellbeing; we really are not that rational. As for the adcoms, that was me four years ago, but now I'm more stuck at what gives life meaning at all. It's hard for me to pinpoint anything right now.

I wish I was half as mentally sound as the Queen. She is such a legend, to carry her nation on her back for countless years, and with so much grace. But I totally agree with you about the horrendous judging (that seemingly hasn't improved over the last four years) and with the Mao/Yuna conclusion. It's honestly disgraceful that Mao did not receive higher scores for her FS, I just re-watched it after reading your comment, and her last step sequence gives me goosebumps. What a champion!

One of my parents recently became employed in the US, so I think I can get insurance and treatment soon. I actually went to a clinic for the uninsured/low income and had an evaluation scheduled, but I figured I shouldn't get it done if I will have to get it re-done. I think I didn't realize how much effort I still needed to put into managing these things, since I had been improving.

Good luck. Getting help sooner rather than later would be good.

 

[deleted862527]

Thank you for your advi e. I have been previously diagnosed with anxiety but never received any medication for it, just CBT. I think you are right about losing interest. Before things got really bad (Summer 2017) and I was put on medication, I used to work out really diligently and then just lost all the energy for it. Although I've kept taking my AD, I think I need to get back on CBT ASAP and try to talk through things. It always surprises me (kind of idiotically, I suppose) how much our thoughts influence our wellbeing; we really are not that rational. As for the adcoms, that was me four years ago, but now I'm more stuck at what gives life meaning at all. It's hard for me to pinpoint anything right now.

Do you know how to do CBT on your own? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tries to teach you how to conquer your cognitive distortions or 'thoughts'.

Purchase the book 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns, M.D. The methods outlined in his book have been exemplary and are highly useful to those suffering from any depressive episode.