can someone pls read my PS

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drguy22

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ok..so i was debating whether to put this up..but now i will anyway....pls tell me wat u guys think of it...any suggestions would be appreciated...and i know im gonna get this question so ill answer it before..

Q: Y are u writing a PS even though u got into medical school?
A: AMCAS requires one to process the app..( or at least they told me)

so here it is

My exposure to medicine began while I was in middle school and continues even to this day. While I was in the 6th grade, my dad began to have heart ailments which a few years later worsened to Congestive Heart Disease. In addition to his heart condition, he also has diabetes, hyperthyroidism, right total hip replacement, gout, and was also recently diagnosed as an anemic. Apart from my dad, my mom too has a serious health condition. During May of 1999, my mother was involved in a car accident on her way to work and suffered an injury to her cervical spine vertebrates C-1 through C-5, thus posing a risk for paralysis. She underwent a cervical spine fusion which has caused immense pain even to this day and has left her disabled and only able to move her neck ten degrees in all directions.

As a result of all these troubles, I spent a good part of my childhood in doctors? offices and hospitals. However, despite all of the hardships, one good thing did come from my experience. It was because of my childhood experience, that during my sophomore year in High School, I had firmly decided I wanted to pursue my future in the field of medicine. I knew this because I was able to see first hand how doctors had given both of my parents a second chance at life, and I wanted to do the same for others as well.

Although my parents? health condition was a major contributing factor in my goal to become a physician, it was not the only one. All throughout High School, I volunteered at the hospital, and was able to see first hand what doctors and patients go through on a daily basis. Unfortunately, while volunteering at the hospital, there were a few occasions where I saw elderly patients being neglected and labeled as burdensome during meal times solely because they were not able to feed themselves without assistance. The neglect that I saw, even further solidified my goal to be a doctor; one that will treat all his patients equally and respectfully, whether they are elderly or young. Besides volunteering at a hospital, I have also shadowed a physician while he attended his hospital rounds, and yet again I was able to see first hand the interaction that goes on between a doctor and his patient.

Apart from my volunteering experience, I am currently involved in a lot of clinical research at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School. My research at the medical school involves linking Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) with psychological stress and an unbalanced autonomic nervous system response. Just recently, my advisor and I were given permission from the IRB to launch a pilot study to prove the efficacy of Heart Rate Biofeedback (HRV) in patients with IBD. HRV is an innovative technique that exercises the barrow reflexes and has been proven effective in many other diseases and disorders such as asthma, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and arthritis.

When I first decided I wanted to be a doctor, a few family members doubted my intentions because I was not a ?high achieving? student in high school. However, with the support of my immediate family, I worked hard and I went from top third in my freshman year to top six percent by the time I had graduated high school. The same thing happened to me when I started college. At first, I had a lot of trouble adjusting to college life, rigorous courses, and my family obligations due to my parents? health conditions. However, by my third semester at Rutgers University I had learned to manage my time efficiently and consequently, was able to succeed in a very vigorous course load. My parents have always told me that life is filled with many battles, and unfortunately, it is almost impossible to win every single one of them. However, the most important thing about life is that you learn from you mistakes so that you do not repeat them. I have lost battles in life; however, from my losses, I always walk away with lessons and try my best to avoid making those same mistakes again.

I believe the field of medicine is a very rewarding field with many benefits; not in a monetary way, but in its capacity to save many lives. I look forward to the satisfaction of making a difference in someone?s life. Patients need to feel comfortable and know that not only do they have a great doctor, but also a friend that is there in their greatest time of need. It is this extra offering of friendship, or more simply, the human touch, that distinguishes an excellent doctor from a good doctor.

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are you writing this for just the file cause your already in med school or are you applying this year?

i think it's a bit impersonal....maybe add a bit more of you emotions and specific examples of your clinical exposure, like who was the old person you saw being neglected, what did you do, did you talk to him etc....

your parents illness can be used more advantageously....like how you felt about doctors when your parents were sick and how you thought it was awesome that they could help them etc.....
 
wends said:
are you writing this for just the file cause your already in med school or are you applying this year?

i think it's a bit impersonal....maybe add a bit more of you emotions and specific examples of your clinical exposure, like who was the old person you saw being neglected, what did you do, did you talk to him etc....

your parents illness can be used more advantageously....like how you felt about doctors when your parents were sick and how you thought it was awesome that they could help them etc.....


im already accepted to med skool..i got into the BA/MD program for the class of 2009..the same class u guys are applyin for:) but in order to process the AMCAS( i have to officially send it through AMCAS, but i got the acceptance letter in the mail already and the phone call:)...i need one..thnx for the advice...keep it comin guys ..thnx in advance:)
 
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wends said:
are you writing this for just the file cause your already in med school or are you applying this year?

i think it's a bit impersonal....maybe add a bit more of you emotions and specific examples of your clinical exposure, like who was the old person you saw being neglected, what did you do, did you talk to him etc....

your parents illness can be used more advantageously....like how you felt about doctors when your parents were sick and how you thought it was awesome that they could help them etc.....

o ya...in response to it....it was the nurses on the floor..wat could i do???i was very helpless, although i did feed patients that need help..so maybe i should put tat in....
 
the PS is not particularly good. aside from the theme, which is nonexistent, there are numerous problems with grammar, spelling, word choice, etc. lucky for you it doesn't really matter, because frankly your chances of getting admitted with this PS is slim.
 
drguy22 said:
o ya...in response to it....it was the nurses on the floor..wat could i do???i was very helpless, although i did feed patients that need help..so maybe i should put tat in....


yeah put that...make it more personal...add feelings, realizations, :idea:
etc
 
doc05 said:
the PS is not particularly good. aside from the theme, which is nonexistent, there are numerous problems with grammar, spelling, word choice, etc. lucky for you it doesn't really matter, because frankly your chances of getting admitted with this PS is slim.

:( bah o well..im better at analyzing other peeps PS's than writing my own.....:( lol...now tat just sux....i wasted a whole 45 min of my life on this...and it sux :(
 
You seem to want to show off your knowledge of medicine in this personal statement, especially in the first paragraph. This is a bad idea. These statements are not supposed to be about how much you know. Instead, thise entire statment should have an organized theme about why you decided to become a physician. This lacks in your statment.

Also, don't brag about your accomplishments. While these accomplishments are noteworthy, they are already included in your AMCAS application. The personal statement should come from the heart.

Mossjoh
 
Mossjoh said:
You seem to want to show off your knowledge of medicine in this personal statement, especially in the first paragraph. This is a bad idea. These statements are not supposed to be about how much you know. Instead, thise entire statment should have an organized theme about why you decided to become a physician. This lacks in your statment.

Also, don't brag about your accomplishments. While these accomplishments are noteworthy, they are already included in your AMCAS application. The personal statement should come from the heart.

Mossjoh


how do i show off my knowledge??? its facts and tats all... i dont understand??? hmmm..i agree with ur second statement bout not braggin bout accomplishments, but my pre health advisor said that that should def be there because admissions people look at the PS first and sometimes automatically issue interviews from there without looking at the experiences....so he URGED me to put it in there...i dunno... :confused:
 
Yeah, I have to agree...this PS is does not stand out much. I think its ok to talk about research, but talk much less about what you are doing, and more about why you enjoy being involved in research. Then link that to why research leads you to the desire to become a physician.

i don't know what your grades look like, but I would drop the whole explanation of "academic struggles" unless you were pulling all Cs and Ds. Also, its "rigorous course load" not vigorous.

In the part about working in the nursing home, you seem to condemn medicine and doctors. Probably not a good idea if the person you are interviewing with is a doctor. Stick more to why you enjoyed working there, how it made you felt, and why it made you want to become a physician.

And I agree with another poster, there seem to be a lot of wording errors...it doesn't flow very well.

To sum up, you sound like a cookie cutter premed who wants to go to med school because they saw doctor save someone, and you want to help people too. Oh yeah, I have volunteered and done some cool research. A little personality and some feelings could go a long way to help this.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you asked for the criticism.
 
FaytlND said:
Yeah, I have to agree...this PS is does not stand out much. I think its ok to talk about research, but talk much less about what you are doing, and more about why you enjoy being involved in research. Then link that to why research leads you to the desire to become a physician.

i don't know what your grades look like, but I would drop the whole explanation of "academic struggles" unless you were pulling all Cs and Ds. Also, its "rigorous course load" not vigorous.

In the part about working in the nursing home, you seem to condemn medicine and doctors. Probably not a good idea if the person you are interviewing with is a doctor. Stick more to why you enjoyed working there, how it made you felt, and why it made you want to become a physician.

And I agree with another poster, there seem to be a lot of wording errors...it doesn't flow very well.

To sum up, you sound like a cookie cutter premed who wants to go to med school because they saw doctor save someone, and you want to help people too. Oh yeah, I have volunteered and done some cool research. A little personality and some feelings could go a long way to help this.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you asked for the criticism.


hahaha its all good....i volunteered in the hospital not nursing home...and i did see patients get neglected....and im not gonna get any interviews....basically my purpose for this post...IS THERE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY WRONG THAT WILL GET ME KICKED OUT OF THE PROGRAM???
 
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drguy22 said:
hahaha its all good....i volunteered in the hospital not nursing home...and i did see patients get neglected....and im not gonna get any interviews....basically my purpose for this post...IS THERE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY WRONG THAT WILL GET ME KICKED OUT OF THE PROGRAM???
In that case, i highly doubt it. I know someone who was in NU's combined undergrad and MD program, and they had to fill out amcas as a formality also. I think he wrote like one paragraph so it let him submit. To my knowledge, he had no problems.
 
drguy22 said:
how do i show off my knowledge??? its facts and tats all... i dont understand??? hmmm..i agree with ur second statement bout not braggin bout accomplishments, but my pre health advisor said that that should def be there because admissions people look at the PS first and sometimes automatically issue interviews from there without looking at the experiences....so he URGED me to put it in there...i dunno... :confused:


You show off you're knowledge of cliches. I didn't know you could fit that many in a one page paper. But life is full of battles and we can't win em all.
 
tom_jones said:
You show off you're knowledge of cliches. I didn't know you could fit that many in a one page paper. But life is full of battles and we can't win em all.

i thought i only had one in there...where do u see more...??? im gettin really confused.....ill cut and paste the copy of wat my advisor emailed me in reponse to my PS when i emailed it to him.....

"I finally got to your Personal Statement. Besides apologizing for being so slow, I am happy to say that it is a good job and should do what is needed."

im not sure who to believe now.....u guys are good at this too..... :confused: :confused:
 
I believe the field of medicine is a very rewarding field with many benefits; not in a monetary way, but in its capacity to save many lives.

This sentence bothered me. I think its best not to mention anything about money. One of the benefits of being a doctor is the money, so it sounds weird when you say that money is not a benefit. Also, saying that something is a rewarding field with many benefits is redundant. Something that is rewarding has many benefits and something that has many benefits is rewarding. I don't really like the repetition of the word field. Also, the field of medicine doesn't save the lives, the doctors save lives and have the capacity.
 
doc05 said:
the PS is not particularly good. aside from the theme, which is nonexistent, there are numerous problems with grammar, spelling, word choice, etc. lucky for you it doesn't really matter, because frankly your chances of getting admitted with this PS is slim.


lol, stole my thought !! :thumbup: :thumbup:
 
leverp2000 said:
This sentence bothered me. I think its best not to mention anything about money. One of the benefits of being a doctor is the money, so it sounds weird when you say that money is not a benefit. Also, saying that something is a rewarding field with many benefits is redundant. Something that is rewarding has many benefits and something that has many benefits is rewarding. I don't really like the repetition of the word field. Also, the field of medicine doesn't save the lives, the doctors save lifes and have the capacity.

agree with this. take it out.
 
woah....bad idea postn my pS......ok..lemme clarify because this this goes outta hand...


i had to write a seperate essay for the program i applied to and it wasnt this one, it was much better...this essay is just so that AMCAS will process my app. I dont know if any admission people will read this essay, but just in case i want to make sure it doesnt raise and SERIOUS problems. i dunno..i dont see many grammar problems...wording yes i do see...can u pls point out grammar problems PLS?
 
My exposure to medicine began while I was in middle school and continues even to this day. While I was in the 6th grade, my dad began to have heart ailments which a few years later worsened to Congestive Heart Disease. In addition to his heart condition, he also has diabetes, hyperthyroidism, right total hip replacement, gout, and was also recently diagnosed as an anemic. Apart from my dad, my mom too has a serious health condition. During May of 1999, my mother was involved in a car accident on her way to work and suffered an injury to her cervical spine vertebrates C-1 through C-5, thus posing a risk for paralysis. She underwent a cervical spine fusion which has caused immense pain even to this day and has left her disabled and only able to move her neck ten degrees in all directions.

This is the paragraph I was talking about. I realize this was a hard time for you to deal with, however it doesn't seem to flow well by naming off a lot of different medical conditions. Just say, "My mother suffered a neck injury and was at risk for paralysis"...I do not need to hear that it is a C1-C5 cervical spine injury that required fusion and she can only move it 10 degrees. Seems like a lot of unnecessary information that really doesn't work with the goal of the personal statement.
You'll learn all the medicine in medical school, you don't need to show them you know it already.

Mossjoh
 
Mossjoh said:
My exposure to medicine began while I was in middle school and continues even to this day. While I was in the 6th grade, my dad began to have heart ailments which a few years later worsened to Congestive Heart Disease. In addition to his heart condition, he also has diabetes, hyperthyroidism, right total hip replacement, gout, and was also recently diagnosed as an anemic. Apart from my dad, my mom too has a serious health condition. During May of 1999, my mother was involved in a car accident on her way to work and suffered an injury to her cervical spine vertebrates C-1 through C-5, thus posing a risk for paralysis. She underwent a cervical spine fusion which has caused immense pain even to this day and has left her disabled and only able to move her neck ten degrees in all directions.

This is the paragraph I was talking about. I realize this was a hard time for you to deal with, however it doesn't seem to flow well by naming off a lot of different medical conditions. Just say, "My mother suffered a neck injury and was at risk for paralysis"...I do not need to hear that it is a C1-C5 cervical spine injury that required fusion and she can only move it 10 degrees. Seems like a lot of unnecessary information that really doesn't work with the goal of the personal statement.
You'll learn all the medicine in medical school, you don't need to show them you know it already.

Mossjoh

agreed that all this medical terminology is unnecessary, but otherwise, wow you guys are being awfully harsh. an based on this I'm glad i didn't post my PS on this board...wow one thing i did right... :D
 
drguy22 said:
i thought i only had one in there...where do u see more...??? im gettin really confused.....ill cut and paste the copy of wat my advisor emailed me in reponse to my PS when i emailed it to him.....

"I finally got to your Personal Statement. Besides apologizing for being so slow, I am happy to say that it is a good job and should do what is needed."

im not sure who to believe now.....u guys are good at this too..... :confused: :confused:

1. Family medical problem that turned you on to medicine. This is extremely unoriginal. Everyone has family members with medical problems. i'm sure it was rough and you helped out, but the personal statement is not the place
2. The Human touch line. Very funny, but you don't want people laughing at your personal statement
3. Your famous life is full of battles line.

It sounds like you have done some research and may be qualified, but this is an unoriginal, bland, and too detailed personal statement.
Ask an english major to help you brainstorm your PS, and then have them help you structure it so it flows well, and each paragraph has a topic statement and a purpose.

Good luck.
 
I don't even know where to start, but I'll say this: don't do a poor job here just because you have a guaranteed acceptance. Your personal statement will not only validate your work ethic but also give you insight into your reasons for pursuing Medicine.
 
[I did a little editing... good concept it just needed some tightening up. I took out some things that sounded unnecessary and made some comments on how else to improve... Hope it helps and good luck!

My exposure to medicine began in middle school. While I was in the 6th grade, my dad began to have heart ailments, which worsened to Congestive Heart Disease. He also has diabetes, hyperthyroidism, right total hip replacement, gout, and recently became anemic. My mom has a serious health condition also. During May of 1999, my mother was involved in a car accident and suffered an injury to her cervical spine posing a risk for paralysis. She underwent a cervical spine fusion which has left her disabled and in constant pain.

Because of my parents medical conditions I spent a good part of my childhood in doctors? offices and hospitals. While in high school, I decided I wanted to pursu become a physician, it was not the only one. All throughout High School, I volunteered at the hospital, and was able to see first hand what doctors and patients go through on a daily basis. Unfortunately, while voluntee my future in the field of medicine. I saw how doctors gave both of my parents a second chance at life, and I wanted to do the same for others as well.

Although my parents? health condition is the major contributing factor to my goal of becoming a physician. ( I lost some info here... sorry)ring at the hospital, I saw elderly patients neglected and labeled as burdensome. (enter specific example here) The neglect that I saw made me want to be a doctor that treats patients equally and respectfully regardeless of their situation. (dont put that last part... it takes away from the other experience)

Apart from my volunteering experience, I am currently assisting ('involved' implies that you are participating in the trial) with clinical research at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School. My research at the medical school involves linking Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) with psychological stress and an unbalanced autonomic nervous system response. Just recently, my advisor and I were given permission from the IRB to launch a pilot study to show the efficacy of Heart Rate Biofeedback (HRV) in patients with IBD. HRV is an innovative technique that exercises the barrow reflexes and has been proven effective in many other diseases and disorders such as asthma, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and arthritis.

When I decided I wanted to be a doctor, a few family members doubted my intentions because I was not a ?high achieving? student in high school. (don't put this unless you have a reason, med schools want high achievers all arond) However, with the support of my immediate family, I worked hard and I went from top third in my freshman year to top six percent by the time I had graduated high school. (all this stuff can be seen in your application... try to concentrate on your true strengths not your weaknesses) At first, I had a lot of trouble adjusting to college life, rigorous courses, and my family obligations due to my parents? health conditions. However, by my third semester at Rutgers University I had learned to manage my time efficiently and consequently, was able to succeed in a very vigorous course load.

My parents have always told me that life is filled with many battles, it is impossible to win every single one of them. It is however important to learn from your mistakes . (here would be a good spot to put an EXAMPLE of adversity you were faced with and how you overcame it) I have lost battles in life; however, from my losses, I always walk away with lessons and try my best to avoid making those same mistakes again.

The field of medicine is a very rewarding field the ability to save lives would give me a sense of immesurable fulfillment. I look forward to the satisfaction of making a difference in someone?s life. Patients need to feel comfortable and know that not only do they have a great doctor, but also a friend that is there in their greatest time of need. It is this extra offering of friendship, or more simply, the human touch, that distinguishes an excellent doctor from a good doctor.[/QUOTE] (work on a better finish that ties in the whole paper)
 
Be warned: there are are some glaring spelling errors in pristine21's edit.
 
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